They said we'd never make it. They said that a marriage between a big-headed-woman and a small-headed-man would never last. But we proved them all wrong. At least for another year.
Way back on June 18th, Jakob and I celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. But we actually celebrated a week earlier.
We went downtown to the Cheesecake Factory.
And just in case any of you are wondering what the secret of our success is, it's that Jakob only likes the wheat bread and I only like the sourdough. Everything else is easy when you don't have to share the complimentary bread loaves.
Then we went and saw Jerry Seinfeld perform. There were no posters, no programs, and no photos allowed inside. (And no set or props or anything during the show. Ka-ching! I need to get funnier and go on tour.)
So here I am standing in front of the fat lady statue in front of the Buell doing my best Seinfeld "Helloooooooooooooo". (Also, I got this dress for $7 at JCPenney. I had to add three inches to the bottom, though.)
The show was awesome. And completely clean. Jerry Seinfeld was funny. The audience was super diverse, so I think he had to take on more universal themes, like technology and toilet stalls.
But Jakob and I both thought that the funniest part of the evening was the opening act, Tom Papa. He hosts the show 'The Marriage Ref', which we have never seen. But his act was hilarious! It was all about family and marriage and perfect for married people with kids.
(SIDENOTE: Jerry Seinfeld and his wife have also been married 11 years, and have three children ages 9, 7, and 4. Same as us, minus Big Easy. At the end of his act, he asked if anyone had any questions for him and I yelled out, "WILL YOU BE OUR FRIEND?")
I found this clip of Tom Papa on YouTube and he did this exact same bit at the show. Hilarious. But, he says the 'S' word twice. I was 25.7% offended by the two swears, so don't watch it if your offense scale is more sensitive than mine.
It was a wonderful anniversary! This last year has been such a great marriage year. Our 11th year equation has been this:
Love + (Scriptures+Prayer+Temple) - Pregnancy - Nursing + PMDD Meds for Mindy = Happiness
Our marriage isn't perfect, but it's constantly progressing and improving. We work hard. We learn from our mistakes.
For example, Jakob learned that when your wife spends all day sewing a dress and getting ready for a big date and says after the show, "We should go get dessert at a restaurant," he shouldn't say, "I'm really craving a blizzard." (AKA The Anniversary Dessert Disaster of 2010.)
And I'm learning that my own worst enemies are my expectations. Expectations for myself, my kids, my marriage, my house, everything. My expectations will be the death of me. I'm trying to observe how "laid back people" live, react, eat, and breath and become more like them. (Except I will continue to wipe my kids' runny noses and try to show up for things on time.) Taming my expectations is like holding the tide back, but I will keep on trying.
I love my Jakey! I'm so glad I decided to marry him (and I guess he also decided to marry me, but I was pretty much holding the reigns on our runaway marriage.) Yeah!
Marriage is one of my favorite subjects and I feel so fortunate to have studied marriage and family at BYU and learn from some of the greatest minds in the field. I've been sorting through my old notes and books and want to record a few quotes I love right now. (This section is L-O-N-G, so stop reading if you are short on time or really don't care about improving marriage.)
"Some married couples live very superficially together. They communicate about routine matters, but do not share their deepest thoughts. They live almost separate lives under one roof (boardinghouses, I call them). They meet each other's elementary needs but never venture into what I call relationship-in-depth....They simply live together on the basis of a
mutual exchange of services. He "brings home the bacon," she takes care of the house; he takes care of the cars while she manages the children, etc. Based on a few such elementary exchanges, the marriage soon becomes dull and dreary. Such mediocre marriages are
very common in our culture. Yet often these very people are tormented by the longing for a relationship that is richer, deeper, and more meaningful. They are
love-starved and often they turn in other directions to seek what marriage has failed to give them. (Then we have to discipline them.)
Sharing life in depth with your spouse is the solution to most of our human problems (David Mace,
Getting Ready for Marriage, 1972).
I love that quote because our marriage is so "in-depth" that we're living at the bottom of the sea 'Bedknobs and Broomsticks' style. Sometimes I drown Jakob with our relationship.
Douglas E. Brinley is one of my favorite authors on marriage and family. Here are some quotes of his I love:
"All couples and families have adjustments to make - no one ever sailed off into the sunset and lived "happily ever after." We all marry someone we know little about, but we commit ourselves to accept the weaknesses as well as the strengths we discover in our spouse. We ought to be getting better each year we are together."
"Seek feedback from each other - both spouse and children. We often fail to seek help from those who can do something about our concerns, or who know best how things could be improved. Check in with the children to see how they view your discipline methods, marriage, allowance system, etc."
I love this because I get the feeling, especially in the church, that we are all supposed to ignore the weaknesses in our marriage or the traits in our spouse that we don't like or struggle with and just pretend that our marriage is perfect. I think this very "turn a blind eye" approach to marriage can often lead to a "mutual exchange of services" marriage. I think we can only have a "relationship-in-depth" when we counsel with each other in a loving way about how each of us can improve and strengthen our skills and then humbly receive our spouses feedback.
I try to spread the word (
just like Jerry) that marriage is hard and that it's normal to have struggles with your spouse so that I can help couples living in silent despair, but the backlash for my efforts can be pretty intense. My honesty can be very unsettling for those who are comfortable with their superficial relationships. :)
Brinley also said:
"Of course we don't like negative feedback, but how else can we "repent" - meaning that we stop or start, increase or decrease those things that are causing some "glitches" in our marital relations. Those items where there is some need to make some changes need to be discussed in all "faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence" (D&C 4:6).
And lastly:
"Be a therapist in the family. Be sensitive to feelings, hurt, disappointment, ups and downs."
And to that I say, "You're welcome, Jakob and Sons." For if there is one thing I excel at in this family, it is being a therapist. Holla!
Sleeping in and breakfast in bed!
A beautiful Father's Day song sung by Kobe, Luke, and Jude.
After this picture we did open a few presents - mostly new work shirts - but I didn't take pictures.
I've said it many times before, but I love to say it every year. Jakob is the greatest dad to these four boys. He is so fun, playful, and interactive with them. He is also mindful of them and their needs. He is super involved with their school and homework, and I think it teaches them that it's important to both of us and motivates them to try their best.
Please tell me what color and brand of lipstick Bella is wearing in the opening scenes of the movie. Not just a guess. (This is the best picture I could find.)
