the aftermath

I walked in the door with the empty carrier and wasn't quite sure what to do with myself.

I knew I needed to clean the litter box area and throw all of that stuff away. I mean..I was sad, but that wasn't my idea of something special to keep.

I cleaned things up and threw some things away. I washed the towel from her carrier and her special blanket. My girl put the blanket on her bed and I put the towel away with all the old 'extra' towels we rarely use.

If I walked past the bathroom, my head turned involuntarily to check to see if the litter box needed scooping. If I walked past the bedroom, I looked for her form in the crumpled up covers on the bed. In the mornings, I shed tears because I didn't have that cute little furry mouth to feed and doctor. My daughter checked the hallway every time she left the bathroom. She also missed being needed for drinks at the bathtub water fountain.

So many routines just shattered by loss.

But mainly I just rattled around the house, numb with grief.

I know she was just a kitty. But the grief is very palpable.

And in some ways, it set me back in grieving our little boy. So many similarities. I was the main caregiver for both. So many routines just gone. I was buried for a number of days. It was so hard. And for the first time, I experienced an anniversary of Bub's without Annabelle to sit and watch me to make sure I was ok, if I got upset. I felt a little lost. I would sometimes just hold her and cry..and now I needed her to cry into and she was gone too.

We are some better now. My sweet friend bought cute little necklaces for us within minutes of AB's passing and had those in the mail to us very quickly. We think of her and smile more than crying now. And somewhere along the way, I ordered necklaces with Annabelle's name on them. We wear one or both of those every day. It helps us. We can see them and smile and think of her.

We miss our sweet kitty. But thankful for all the love we could share with her..even if she didn't always 'love' in return. Cats!

Our sweet Annabelle's last day

On Monday March 20, I was a mess. I knew. I called the vet early but she was busy. She was supposed to call me back around 11 but by God's great grace, she didn't call then but called right after I got home from dropping of my girl for a college class. Dr G said the way she was acting meant her kidneys were failing pretty quickly. She said we could do fluids (and make her miserable because of repeated vet visits) in hopes of buying a little bit more time with her. But I knew from the last time we went to the vet, that she was 'finished'. She had let me know that she was done with interventions. I had been praying that I could keep my mental promise to her. So I declined the interventions and the vet and I both agreed, that this was a very reasonable and merciful time to stop. Tears fell. The vet couldn't get me in until 2pm..or wait until the next day and then she could come to our house. I had wanted to do this at home, but I didn't want to watch her suffer for yet another day. So I told her I would be there at 2pm. And then I cried. I busied myself crying on the phone to a friend but before I knew it, the dreaded time to leave was upon me. So I did my little hunt to find her buried in the folded bedspread on the floor. I folded back the layers to find where she had crawled in..much like many times before. But knowing this time was the last time. This time it broke my heart into a million little pieces. I snuggled her and talked soothingly to her, all the while falling apart on the inside. I could not lose it. I had to drive. So I put her into her kennel easily. Usually she could or would put up quite a stink. On that day, I just set her inside without a fuss. She didn't even cry on the way to the vet. She was so unwell. Bless her heart.

We were quickly ushered to a room and I took the lid off the carrier. I wanted to hold her. But she wasn't having it, so I set the lid back in lace so she wold feel safer. The vet came in ad told me she would be right back. Some techs came in and I signed some papers and answered some questions. Soon the vet came in with the first sedative. She told me she had to give it in the muscle and it was sting a little. It must have because she hissed. Her last parting gift to Dr G. Everyone left the room and I waited and watched. Soon, her head lowered a little bit and her breathing calmed significantly. I started petting her somewhere along the way, trying to soothe her and tell her what I good job she was doing. She purred for me which was a sweet parting gift to me. Soon after, her little head lowered against the carrier. I continued to pet her and tell her I loved her. I took the lid off the carrier at some point to kiss her and be as close to her as I could. (I was a little upset about the idea of holding her at this point, because I knew she was limp.) I pressed my face into her body, taking her in. I kissed her little head and back and rearranged her face so it wasn't pressed against the carrier. I knew it didn't matter but I needed and wanted to care for her and fuss over her, soI did. And then the moment arrived for the vet to come in with the last injection, to be given in the vein. She very gently lifted Annabelle's sedated body out of the carrier and spread her out on her side on a towel. I could see her face and pet her while Dr G administered the drugs in her hind leg. The room was completely still as we watched her, petted her and talked about how beautiful and soft she IS. I enjoyed using the present tense with her in those last moments. I cried and kissed her. After just a couple of minutes, the vet listened under her little tiny chest, and told me she was gone. The vet offered to make a paw impression so we did that and also did some paw prints. I asked for some of her fur, so she went for the clippers and a bag an did that for me. And then she quietly told me I could stay as long as I needed to and slipped out of the room. At this point, I was sobbing. Kissing her all over. Admiring her sweet tiny body. I tried to close her eyes, but they didn't really close. I snuggled and nuzzled around her neck and under her eye (my favorite softest place to kiss her) I wanted to breathe her in and for my skin to memorize the feel of her fur. I got fur all over my chapsticked lips, but didn't care. I kissed her some more. And sobbed.

I knew I had to be aware of the time. And yet I dreaded the thought of walking out the door. I took some pics of her precious little feet as I held them in my hand. Finally I knew it had to be 'time' whether I felt like it was time or not. I went down the hall to tell them I was ready to leave. A tech came in and wrapped up our sweet girl in the towel she was laying on, holding her much like a baby, face side up, just like my hubby did when we gave her steroid pills. I hugged the tech so I could be close to Annabelle one more time before she carried her away..giving her more kisses and looking at her one last time..one last touch. I turned my back and they carried her away. They told me I could pay later and I was so thankful because I was a wreck! After a bit, I went down the hall and gave them all the techs and Dr G a huge hug and thanked them. I didn't want to leave but I knew I had to. I gathered myself and put the carrier back together, placing everything inside the empty carrier for the terrible ride home. A tech walked me to the car so I could give them unopened food for a credit and gave me another huge hug and I was on my way. Heartbroken and somber. I had survived one of the most difficult things I had ever done. We are crushed and so so sad. Many tears. But we are so thankful for her little life and all she meant to us.

Forever loved, sweet kitty girl. Gone but never forgotten.

Annabelle Late 2002 - March 20, 2017

For the next little while, I am going to blog about my kitty. We had to make the difficult decision to put her to sleep a week ago today. It was devastating for our little family.  I know she's "just a kitty" but she was our kitty. And she came into our lives a little less than a year after we lost Bub. I have cried many tears with this sweet little fur ball standing watch to make sure I was ok. Bless her little heart. She's a special girl to us. And dealing with grief in another form has been a struggle that has brought back thoughts from the past.

Today I'm going to begin telling the story of her final months and her final day. My sweet friend Amy suggested doing it as a form of therapy. I have struggled with wanting to forget because it was so hard, but never wanting to forget because I loved her so much. So here goes...

We knew she was going down hill. we had lived through a few bouts of kidney failure. and those brought us some added years. Last year at Christmas, my girl and I enjoyed buying her some fun presents. We got her a catnip paper bag and some pop up cubes to rest and play in. We got a book from Amazon and it came in one of those fold out cardboard contraptions, so we laid that in front of her little two room pop up condo and it looked like a sidewalk. Very cute. It provided hours of entertainment for her and for us as we watched her having a good time.  But we knew she wasn't well and that it would probably be her last Christmas, so we wanted to enjoy her in it and we did.

A few months ago (I honestly can't remember if we learned this before or after Christmas) we found out she had probable lymphoma. The vet asked if we wanted to pursue treatment. My answer was absolutely not. I did not want to potentially harm us by exposure to harmful drugs. And besides, she already had a long list of health problems. I could not see putting her through any more misery. Just doing the blood draw was so traumatic that she wasn't herself afterwards for days. (I secretly hoped at this point I would never have to do more interventions for her because I felt like she was telling me she was 'done'.) So we did a round of oral steroids. It was cheap and safe. And it bought us a little bit of time.

Early on during the steroids, she acted like a kitten again. She was super playful, was eating and drinking well and gained back a bit of weight. She was so happy and enjoying life. but as it goes with steroids, the dose tapers off. And with the tapering off of the dose, we could see the life and liveliness in her tapering off as well. It was sad. We knew. And I spent a lot of time trying to get our daughter ready for the inevitable. And to get myself ready for what I knew would be the task at hand. One of the most difficult tasks of my life. But that's getting ahead of the story.

We were doing the steroids and trying to make the best of things. Giving our kitty girl extra cuddles and love when she would allow it. Giving extra broth pouches an wet food that I made into a slurry, in hopes of getting more fluids down her and making it into a treat for her. but most of her days were spent hiding, since it was winter. But we had some warm days and she enjoyed playing and we enjoyed watching her.

As we tapered off of the steroids, things started to change drastically for her. she was losing weight. and begging for water. It got to a really bad point on her last weekend. She just wasn't herself. I knew then that she was miserable and not enjoying herself in the least. I was preparing our daughter for the end. And trying to prepare myself for what I knew would be up there on the 'worst days ever' list.

To be continued...

I'm kinda back

So I think I'm going to resurrect the ole blog.  For a time anyway.

 I don't know how regular I will be but I know I have some things I need to work through and the people of Facebook probably get tired of me. Ha. 

So stay tuned. 

Should have a post up in the next day or two. 

going to the place to do the thing

***This is a rant...you've been warned. lol***

I have been getting phone calls from the funeral home that did Landon's 'stuff'.  It had always gone to the machine because I wasn't home. And I never called them back.

Well, a few days ago they caught me. Drats! Seems they have new owners now and they wanted me to come by and check on my paperwork and make sure their info is correct bla bla bla. I asked how long it was going to take and they assured me that if I didn't have any questions, it would not take very long. So I made the appointment at a time that I could squeeze it in 'just to run by there and get it done'. Whatever 'IT' was.

Well...I arrived for my appointment a few minutes late. I had to run by the vet to get some stuff for the cat (we think she has cancer..she's 14..it sucks but it is what it is..she's an old cat. Anyhoo..) I walked in the door and my eyes immediately went down the long corridor to the door we walked through to see our baby's little empty shell for the last times.

And lost it. Nice. : /

So I am quietly trying to pull it together, Gertrude and this older lady asked me why I was there and offered to escort me to a small room to wait. She was nice and is very good at handing out condolences so she pretty much insisted on giving me a hug while I am doing all the sucking it up I can get ahold of.

Well...I know..lots of well..a lady and a man came in. Double teamed. Fun. And they chatted a little bit about the plots we own bla bla bla. They also chatted me up about Landon and commented on his stone etc (honestly I was surprised they knew what was on it!)  and I think that helped them have an idea of what all we went through before they ever talked to me. It was sweet but hard talking to them. But really their intent for about 99 percent of the visit was pre-need. Y'all. I was so not prepared for any of that. I wish they had been more honest about their entire intent for the visit. But I guess if they did that, they would have very few people go through the door. But UGH. It took an hour!

So much info and so much to think about. On top of the emotions and the every day stress of being in remission. I didn't say a word about that..they would have been all over it and had me dead and in the ground before I could sign my name. LOL

I finally made it home around 2pm and dumped some veggies and fruit in the Vitamix and dumped a smoothie in an old Nutribullet cup with a lid and ran out the door to pick up someone.

Some days adulting is just hard. 

***end of rant..thank you for listening, my friends!***