dreaming of kulaks

Well, that's over. High school that is. I'm too sentimental for my own good. Yesterday was the last day that I ever have to set foot inside there again. And a very enjoyable hour and a half long visit with masich made for a happy last day within those cursed walls. What is it about that man; I could tell him anything. I do believe I've found a kindred spirit.

And, well, the party. We pulled it off. The pictures should be good. The neighbour boys egged the tarps and stuffed eggs in tailpipes. Somebody was screaming bloody murder in the field, and I'm glad they did, because what followed meant...means more to me than I can explain. And apparently I'm a trooper.

Of course there was quite a bit more than can be described. And I don't know if I want to. Not here anyway, although the poetry isn't coming along smoothly either; there's just too much to say and an inability to crystallize these vast emotions into neat and powerful crisp lines and words. Or maybe the vast emotions are what is to be feared, it's starting to look like it; the creature that we know is there. Neither one is going to turn over that stone and reveal the existance of what we wouldn't be able to truthfully deny knowing about. Why would departure mean an end? And where was he going with that half finished question left dangling. Said too much. But I've got an answer anyway. If that were to happen, if I had some sort of gaurantee, I would open the door, my arms, heart and life wide. I would still say yes, let's. I may be leaving, but that doesn't have to mean I'm going anywhere.

Now maybe I'm the one who's said too much and laid too much open for exposure to attack. Too much on the line.

One countdown has just ended as others begin.

older peas

Happy birthday Three Lonely Peas! You are one year old, you have served me well these past 365 days, and have not caused me any major problems. Yet.
I didn't really have any expectations when I started blogging. I didn't know that whole worlds would open up to me through it. It's been good. I think I'll continue as long as I feel the need, meaning the Three Lonely Peas are gonna get a new home in vienna, Viennese Peas.
Anyway, here's to the one year birthday of this blog.

study

Happy Birthday Vin! Hope that orgy went well for you.

to a horse named tommy

Instead of a gift dream, today was a gift day. I spent two hours studying this morning then got dropped off at the ride and slide, the last of three days of reining competitions. Amazing. I've never been interested in that sport, but mostly because I've never seen it performed. The winner of the class was this guy my age named felix from austria, more specifically vienna. I talked to him later, congratulated him, and told him about operation wiener schnitzel. Austrians are so closed up and totally unresponsive to common canadian friendliness; I am going to get so shot down in vienna. But even though the conversation may have been strained, I got to get in some horse stroking, so soft. And the great thing was, there was more to come. Mamaji showed up and we were standing at the warm up arena when one of the competitors rode up and pretty much handed me the reins of her horse; she had to go get her other horse as she was competing with both. I didn't mind and ended up holding alternating horses for the next hour as she first warmed one up then the other, then competed. They were beautiful too, not that it would have mattered anyway. Chestnut, well mannered quarter horses that stood patiently without pulling or prancing or pushing, letting me rub behind their ears and scratch underneath their manes. The downer was when she had to recieve her placings and had to lead one and ride the other; I'm kicking myself now for not asking her if she wanted me to ride one in. That would have been perfect, perfect...
But I didn't and she didn't offer. But I did walk away smelling of horse, I did spend a good hour standing with a horse's large and beautiful head by my shoulder, and I did feel like I was back, even just for a little while, in the horse world, that elite circle. Elite in the fact that I want in but can't get there. Quite.

As for 'lesser' 'minor' movements; my "favorite uncle from ireland" phoned, after having had a few guinness. The five protestant cats are doing well, he used "big words like marmalade" and serenaded us with a beautiful, alcoholically primed voice. I'm planning to go there sometime around the 26 or 27 of december and stay for new year's which is "magic, ayla, magic". Irish bagpipes, fireworks, stormy atlantic westcoast weather, warm turf fire, rowdy music sessions, "and we'll drown the new year in guinness!" I'm thinking of taking the bus from dublin to westport too, so I could get a glimpse of some of the countryside which we didn't see in august like the midlands and roscommon and such.

And, of course, operation wiener schnitzel is occupying a lot more of my thoughts since andrea's phone call and recent developments about the new abode. We whipped out a huge map of vienna, huge because, oh you guessed it, vienna is huge! And mamaji assuring me, oh it's nothing but a village really, doesn't help. Yeah a village of 2 million. Anyway, gaulacher gasse is in relative proximity to Schloss Schunbrunn, the innercity, and the ring which is where the old city walls used to be and is now a tree lined avenue made up of the huge parliament, the city hall, the university, the national library, the major museums, the opera, theatre, etc...Gaulacher gasse is also close to the police station, the post office, one of the hundreds of graveyards, and, sigh, the vienna woods filled with beech trees and deer and wild boar just minutes away from subways and pigeons and old impirialism.

I feel like a juggler. I'm not sure if I'm good or not yet as I don't think I've managed to drop any balls yet, and you know, broken balls...not good, right mr burke?

andere mammies haben auch shoene bubbies

1. Useless:: throw
   
2. Radiant:: glow
   
3. W:: man
   
4. Unpaid:: plaid
   
5. Geek:: horn rimmed glasses
   
6. Unfaithful:: tie
   
7. Reboot:: DM
   
8. No!:: gape
   
9. Squad:: trot
   
10. Fetish:: whip
    

Just finished last day of work at the palace. I ate with the kitchen staff; hilda and I had an interesting conversation over scrambled egg with shrimp and salted duck egg.
Talked to andrea today, there are two apartments available, price and quality differences, but I can tough it out so the cheaper one is mine. From the sounds of it it's two rooms. And she thinks that I should be there at the beginning of september to get adjusted and apply and register, find a job, that sort of thing. That brings the countdown up to two months.
I got mamaji to give megan an invitation to the grad party. I hope it stunned her. I hope she comes. This girl who I used to spend every possible moment with all summer long has spent the last year and a half glaring at me and definately not speaking to me. In fact it was last june that I last talked to her. This whole thing on wednesday should be interesting anyway...
I have to go to sleep now; happiness is fresh bedding.

waste

Biology 12 is done. One more and I'm truly out. I've crammed for days and now all that's going through my mind are words like efferent arteriole, glomerulus, post-synaptic cleft, reduced hemoglobin...

M moved back in with the fascists. "Life isn't all about strength and widsom ayla...I give people second chances...that's low ayla...screw you." That one left me reeling. Some people are unfathomable.

And stunned, a bit. Not completely blindsided though. Some things just can't be forced or manipulated. I was just hoping for a bit of advise, wisdom, a boost, something to get me on the right track out of this funk. And maybe I was waiting for that deliverance when I shouldn't have been. It's gone now.

for sure

Yes!
I've got the and apartment on Gaulacher gasse, in the 16th district, Ottakring, Vienna. phew.
There's an address with my name on it.
And I won't have to worry about creepy viennese enighbours either. I'll be sharing a toilet in the hallway with my cousin, King Mo, my uncle pere's apartment is on the same floor, as is King Mo's and my new cousin from Paris who will also be starting at the university. The only other people on that floor are this german couple who apparently only come a few times a month.
I am ready. It's not an issue of whether I want to go or not, I mean, it's like graduation; it looks scary, but when the time comes it's not because you are ready for it and the time has come in your life to make that step. This is the same thing; I am going to do this because this where my life is going and I am ready to move on, up, away.

guardian angel

I'm dirtying up my chances,
I just want to be clean again
I feel grimy and filthy and smelly and not worthy of anyone's love anymore.
and I am so selfish.

I need to recycle, to reprioritize, clean up this mess and not get sucked back down. I thought I had learned my lesson.
It just comes in such a nice wrapper. And I'm acting the impulsive shopper.

There better not be a fruit to this seed...

I need to be picked up and glued together again and I'm afraid that I've shut everyone out too effectively.

august 17

I've done enough peptalking and esteem boosting and encouraging today to last for months. It was a jailbreak in every sense. Stockholm syndrome. Spent all morning of happy ayla day wiping away tears and packing everthing into a truck. Damn the fascists. It seems that I have very little patience with crying men.

Sold.


Celebrate solstice! It's midsummer, even though they say this is the first day of summer, pah. Rxn and I are going to dance around the fire tonight. And update The Tree. And see if we can glimpse a faerie.

superhero

Well isn't that a slap; "besides, you wouldn't be welcome...." I care about this, I changed my plans for this, I have waited years for this, and then, no I can't be there, because it wouldn't be proper, I'm not on the vip list, I am not a part of the circle, there are more important people that he thinks deserve to be there.
I've been replaced.

I wasn't going to write an angry post, and I'm afraid the rest of this is going to be tainted. Rxn, paul, stine, and I got together again last night; it was amazing, I mean I thought saturday evening was good, this beat it by 100%. We all met here, paul renamed the cat Seminal Vescicles, we gulped down some pasta salad and headed to the lake. It was windy but warm, and the sun was just beginning to go down. We wrestled around for a while, I got tackled, and then had to have rxn accompany me to the outhouse...it was dark and I had to see down the hole first. It was amazing to feel memories being made, slightly cliche ones, but nonetheless really really good. The four of us sitting on this plank on the beach with the sound going down; no drama, no fighting, no annoyances.
We finally got the nerve to go skinnydipping. Paul, with inhuman selfcontrol, promised not to look and laid down on the picnic table. The three of us stood wrapped in towels, shivering, toes in the water, suddenly shy, looking at each other...three two one and they're off, screaming, white, splashing; three bums in the sunset.
Afterwards kristine tried flying, only to fall flat on her face off the table, and we laid out on the grass until it was quite dark. The rest of the evening went welll; Romeo and Juliet, bed at 1:30 and a sleepy drive home at 7 this morning.

mutterings

1. Domesticated:: large
   
2. Cask:: wood
   
3. Wayne:: marion
   
4. Insidious:: snide
   
5. Cool!:: primary colours
   
6. Dishwasher:: convenient
   
7. Little house:: thatched
   
8. Stepford:: chandelier
   
9. Hung:: stretch
   
10. Falling:: rip
    

Enjoyed a beautiful evening with paul, kristine, and Rxn, as she performed at art space last night. There was perfect chemistry between us, which is always a sort of hit and miss thing. It was philosophical, but at the same time relaxed and laidback...and way too hot. A humid heat, so everything was covered in a moist warm layer. Good performers, good lyrics, I just want some reciprocity, robots robots, my liver got liquered again last night, I've found someone who needs me/and that other girl/I can just let go/let go...
The girls and I hit Kelly O Brians for appys and mocktails and dirty jokes...four skins. Strange but a man came in at midnight and ate a full meal. I wondered about that. In the end we were too tired for skinnydipping which was on the agenda; some other time. It was really good for us three to reconnect; we've always been close but it's the little things like last night that strengthen that bond even further.
Last night I dreamt that I was in the attic of a Russian czar's palace filled with statues and furniture and knickknacks during a flood and as the water rose we had to retreat higher and higher. There was a mixture of troy and paul studying for the history exam and a chinese pickpocketer showing me his tricks; he had on a blue silk blouse and black pants.
M is on the brink of moiving out and getting emancipated from the fascists who have suddenly declared me persona non grata. I hope he goes through with it.

du wunderbares weib

Barely anthing has a real, clear, concise definition. There's always more meaning, deep layers, ties, and points of view. Everything means something else for different people.
End. The end of highschool, beginnning, birth, death, corner in the road.
Friend. The realization that those who you thought were your friends, aren't so much. And vice versa. Someone you've hated becomes your closest confidant, and the world turns upside down.
Love. Sharing of pain, sharing of spirit, compassion, symbiotic, sacrifice. When does love end? When does it start?
Adult. Child. Maybe it's possible to be both at the same time. Maybe growing up is signified with a different leap for each person. Moving out, emancipation, cutting yourself off from the fascists.
Truth. Freedom.
The last day of classes was a bit of a shock. I tried conveying to my favorite teachers what they meant to me; I'm not sure if it worked or not. Peressini and I are going to meet in Klagenfurt on the border between Italy and Austria. I felt like I should write Robbie a note, somehow telling him, encouraging him to not get sucked into the black hole that is highschool, and to just be himself; that guy has so much potential, he is smart, well mannered, and doesn't seem to be as ignorant as the masses. I wrote the note, and I think it worked; he have me a little bony hug saying i'll try not to get sucked in...take care of yourself ayla. It just hurts to see all these impressionable grade nines and knowing what is in store for them.
I gave my two week's notice at the palace yesterday. It didn't feel as good as I thought it would. But done is done. After work mamajia and I went on a spontaneous drive to reid lake. We parked the car and walked along the roadside in the setting sun and picked rosebuds. There was a field of black angus cows, and as we walked by the whole herd ran to the fence. Strange. Sometimes you wonder what really goes on in the minds of animals; so long so long and thanks for all the fish. I scratched this one heifer's head for five minutes as we laughed at the mohawk on another. Afterwards we got a bit lost, and almost high-centered, on a logging road, but the sky was beautiful, the moon was out and we saw a large black moose in a sudden clearing. The sasquatch jokes weren't appreciated though.
I told mamaji there was a party at duke's yesterday, her face lit up, let's go!
We got home and made ourselves a midnight snack: spaghetti, with olives, sundried tomatoes with soya sauce, pesto, and parmesan. The wine hit me really hard though and I ended up crawling to my bed, tipsy.
Mamaji and I are going to meet for Christmas somewhere in the world, and make it a unique and improv celebration. Hiking on Crete sounded quite good. Olive branch christmas tree. Calamari dinner.

two more days

I'm so glad that it's not in fact our two year anniversary today.
Ha.
Happiness is jumbo split pea soup.

huddle

My mind is not a good place right now. I don't feel safe. It feels like something has taken up residence there and like maybe I am going crazy...or am just posessed. Constant headache and unrest and...more than that, unease. This is more than emotional. There is something going on, here in me, and I am not a voluntary part of it, and I am freaking out. I feel mute; I'm in a daze, I go from feeling ecstatic to melancholy, my mind feels singed, burnt, alien.
I don't know what happened there, but it was significant. There was such a power that swept through the place, my ears were ringing with it. It was void and nameless and immense. My scalp was tingling and tightening, my skin was crawling. It felt like the pressure was going to burst my ears. I know I should, but I don't want to have had anything to do with that. I kept trying to think of tangible things, familiar and peaceful places. Like the field, wildflowers in the lawn, The Horse, the wind in the grass, sunlight: nothing. There was no time, there was nothing other than there, there was no future and no past.
I really don't know what's going on. I'm trying not to panic.

wool

Stress fat and a spiritualy stoned mother.
Screaming worshippers and a crawling scalp. Selling my heart, piss on the boundaries.
Whoever commented anonymously, thank you. It helped...or will.
breathe ayla. the night may be long but the sun is coming.
There's just too much, too many things for me to keep writing here.

infiltrated

1. Wally:: stripes
   
2. Phantom:: gone
   
3. Slippery:: slope
   
4. Fungus:: growth
   
5. Slot:: give
   
6. Type:: order
   
7. Discharge:: mucus
   
8. "We need to talk”:: red alert
   
9. On the spot:: spotlight
   
10. Liquid:: swish
    

I am invaded. They are here now. The constraint I am showing now won't last long; my fingers are already shaking with the effort of smiling and sitting camly and acting as if this terror is normal.
Ah what was that!?
I can't write anymore. I've got to go...do something, I'm not sure what. I can't do this.
I really dont' know how I can describe this what I should do with what is happening
I feel like i've been raped and sold, all the while smiling

pink and blonde and sequince and a kitten's face on her left breast

oh no
I can feel the panic rising

I can't write anymore

sporadic

The things people would discover if they followed me everwhere all day long; it's amazing all the different me's I can pack into a 24 hour period.

Got home yesterday and read a chapter in Don't Look Back, a Norwegian crime novel I'm reading. Went outside for a two hour walk. Ran into a bear. (oh sorry rxn, I should change that, I didn't really run into the bear...) I hid in the bushes and watched said bear feed for half an hour, turned around and walked on. If I can't ride these trails anymore, I should at least walk them. Some peace is better than no peace. I went to the lake, rescued the picnic table from the mud and water, and stuffed myself on strawberries. It's strange to be in those places where I always was on horseback, the world looks so different from a suddenly pedestrian viewpoint. I don't like the change.
After supper I left early to go to Books and Co. Rxn was going to be late, so I went to the horse arena; this place is fast becoming my haven. Ever since the spring, I've been coming here whenever I have any spare time in town; up until now nobody knew...Stupid blog-readers. I watched by the rails as a girl on a beautiful strawberry roan mare was getting a lesson; walk, extended walk, watch the inside leg! working trot, sloppy post! canter, extended canter, nice, hand gallop, butt in seat-two points!
Books was awful, the music actually, but I did get to do some writing. (I'm trying Ruth, I'm trying.) Rxn and I left soon and wandered around the neighbourhood, avoiding rape and horny cats. It was really good; we were both in good moods and as so often happens, she said some things which I felt but never could quite put into words. Talked about girly-girls, car head, yvan, and my dance with ed, ("I felt like I should have been paying someone to watch that!) mostly the usual.
Farmer's market this morning, bread bread bread, beads, resume at Zoe's, then on to VV with Stine where I got an awesome 100% lamb's wool grey sweater. We watched the naked run, protesting I'm not quite sure what, but nonetheless, there was irena, bold and beautiful, protesting in the rain, naked. "Less gas More ass". Mall, pesto bread, gifts for mamaji. On the way home I stopped in at the arena again, this time there was a horse clinic in progress; sabre and her horse were there. I watched for a while, remembering when The Horse and I were at the Parelli clinic in Vanderhoof; "you and me in this perfect moment/dancing under vaulted beams".
On the drive home, I stopped and walked up to the fence of the field with the herd of horses. No contact but a step nevertheless.
Home, fought with B, posted this, on to work, then to Treviso with the birthday mama.

Promises piss me off. No one that has made a promise to me has kept it...well that isn't totally true, but I'm talking about promises that really really need to be kept, not about watching out for you at the party. Why do people do this?! You're killing me here...

we've got a groovy thing going

I have had a really good day. That doesn't equate to a gauranteed happy state though; I cannot say, I've had a good day therefore I am happy, but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe happiness is overrated and good days are all that we need.
...no. It does matter.
A good day nonetheless.
I am dressed like a gypsy right now. I love it. This is who I am, barefoot in the garden, dancing in the grass, brown skin, grass stains, insubstantial clothing, bangles, braids, heavy necklaces.
Organic.
Growth.
Living.

Ha, this was meant to be a short post, but everthing always bring me back to The Horse. He was the vital link; without that link the music is a little off, the angle tilted, the sounds disonant. I had a gift-dream the other night, well it started off as that anyway; it turned into a nightmare, literally. I woke up shaken and distrubed. The images haunted me during the day and that night, for the first time in a long while, I cried about The Horse again. I guess the image of skinned and dead horses will do that to you.

But I didn't want to end on a bad note; I really did have a good day. And that in itself makes me happy even when other things don't so much.

kinsale

It was Shaw, that quote about dancing being a vertical expression of a horizontal desire. I remember where I saw that. It was framed on the wall along with quotes of other famous Irishmen in a fish & chip shop on the Kinsale harbour in late August, County Cork, Ireland. Mamaji and I had waited for the perfect atmosphere to get fish & chips and we found it at Kinsale. The food was so salty and so delicious; we ate it looking out to sea. The sun had just set and a waning moon was high up in the dusky sky. There was a carnival in town that day and the pier was packed. I remember watching a little boy with the reddest hair and freckles. The fish & chips were so good we went back for more. The hostel we stayed at that night had the names and dates of famous battles written above all the doors; I remember the door to go out into the back yard was Trafalgar...and the shower would go from ice cold to burning hot in one minute intervals.
aah ireland...I will go back before this year is done.

mutterings

1. Exhibit:: look don't touch
   
2. Evolution:: dominoes
   
3. Loser:: forehead
   
4. Hypnotic:: sway
   
5. Unlikely:: doubt
   
6. Interrupt::but...
   
7. Ambivalent:: frustrating
   
8. Rise and fall:: ...ha
   
9. Indian:: red and black
   
10. Prophecy::white
    

cont'd

And the smells...soap and sweat and remaing faint traces of cologne. and some vodka on that one. hmm.

Mamaji sent prom pics to her friend lynn. She included one of y and I with ave's on in the park. Lynn came back to ask if he was my bf. No. Well they're going out right? No. But they look so natural together, so comfortable and accustomed and good together. Why not?

wow

real. it's been real. I don't know what to say that could come anywhere near to describing the past 32ish hours. All but four of which I was awake for.

There's really too much to say for me to say anything.

Dancing really turns me on. That was so hot and I never wanted to stop. What famous Irishman said that dancing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire? Yeats or Wilde? I never experienced that before, but it is so so true. What will monday be like, when I come face to face with the bodies I discovered in the pulsing dark sweaty flickering dancehall? What will they do? Will they look different sitting two people away from me in history class? Will I feel different about them; were the hands that copy down the same notes as I do really the same ones that moved in an aura on, over, and around me last night? Strange how suddenly I was straddling legs of people that have never spoken a word to me and how hormones, dance, and the dark will open eyes and loosen inhibitions.

A night of five of us hanging out in a bathroom for two hours, cuddling in the empty bathtub, the dry sauna, and Bill and Ted (and Death) was, in the end, not dissapointing. Kissing ruth on the lips was strange and completely platonic and spontaneous. Falling asleep, then waking up to eat most of the pizza, and falling asleep again was rewarding. Simultaneously waking up at 6:30, watching three movies (United States of Leland, Donnie Darco, and Braveheart), and for the first time ordering chinese from my restaurant was strangely relaxing yet invigorating. Death to Frank by the way. ugh.

amazing exhilarating nostalgic overwhelming

graduation

today

finally

a few more hours

a few years too late

can't you see

no

no

oh no