He's becoming my home.
If I give him the chance, this man could break through my every wall and fear with his steady pure love. Love of a calibre I've never encountered before.
A joyful thanksgiving, my first as a hostess. Every minute of the twelve hours I spent cooking and preparing was happy and every action done with pleasure. Chopping root vegetables while watching planet earth 2, beet red fingers and leopards making off with piglets in the night.
21 guests and friends feasting in the woodshed - beset with extension cords, lamps, mini lights, moose skulls. The boys made long benches of 4 inch thick milled raw wood, there was spontaneous poetry and shouting and bonding and it was decided that lithe little yela should stand on uncle buck's shoulders, wear a headlamp and reach up in the branches of the weeping willow to screw a lightbulb into the moon of a paper lantern hanging there. And all the guys surrounded her, their arms reaching up to spot her, faces upturned at her, a taut or intense moment somehow, charged, they were intent she not fall, little virgin with light shining from her third eye, lighting up the moon, in the centre of a circle of strong and good hearted men, their arms up in still worship.
A fast trip to the island, hamish meeting my godparents. We left with a massive elk shed, bullets, books, full stomachs and my inheritance, a beautiful little browning .22. Blitzy. I didn't want to let go of her, she feels good in my hands. By the end of the trip, Karen was mentioning frequently how much hamish reminded her of her deceased son, Ralph, the handiness, the good humour and ready smile and optimism. And as we were driving away, hamish remarked how it felt like he was leaving his parents' place after a visit, homey and comfortable, overgrown and cluttered and cozy. A place where one can be oneself and is loved for that.
Waiting for the last ferry, tired and chilled and fighting a cold, I lay in all my clothes under the duvet in the back of the truck, teary eyed and my mind spiralling out of bounds, suddenly panicking at being in a relationship, at still not knowing what to do, not having moved ahead in the process of dismantling harmful and defeating habits, and yet finding myself here again, joining my life with another's heart and feeling like a fuck up, harmful, poisonous. I have had no role models of long lasting healthy partnerships. That dear man coaxed it all out of me, heard me out, then gently asked if I might let him be my role model. Didn't tell me all the reasons I was wrong, or that I was just overly tired or anxious or all the logical ways I could overcome this issue, rather just asked to let his love be invited in.
