Let me tell you why

I am a CRAZY PERSON!!!

In a regular course of conversation that I have I will be point blank when I say that I am a paranoid crazy person. It has gotten better since living in Seattle. I think my paranoia just reacts better to the city rather than the the country. When I was in SV, which is not really "country" but small town-ish-ness, my fear and paranoia came back in a mad flood.

But here is something random and ridiculous that I have come to notice.

1. I don't like when people are walking behind me. Obviously in a city, especially of this size, there is always going to be someone.. But there have been moments on the way to somewhere when there is a lone stranger walking a little ways behind and no one else. I have a minor panic and veer off to the side to let them pass, digging in my bag while keeping an eye on them. Once they pass. I wait a few seconds and continue on my journey. This happens on occasion on my way home at night.

2. When I go into a restroom and someone is fiddling with their stall door to come out, I will swiftly move towards a stall and enter before they come out.. To prevent myself from being seen.
Why?
No idea.

3. Stairs. Stairs are creepy. I think this helps because of a story Liza told of when she was a missionary in Russia about a drunk man chasing her up the stairs to her apartment. There was a moment when I was at Outdoor Research heading out for lunch and taking the stairs down to the street. From several floors above I heard this click-clack of heels descending the stairs. The pattern of sound was consistent and seemed to be getting closer. There is that feeling that I have read described in stories.. Like a hang gripping your heart as fear floods through you. I raced down the stairs and burst out onto the street. I continued to walk swiftly away from OR but keeping an eye behind me to see who had been coming. While at the same time reprimanding myself for my ridiculousness and how irrational it all was. Because it was completely irrational. I heard the door open from a ways back, only to see one of the other OR employees.
So now, here. I have moments on stairs. Doesn't matter where.. School, church, whatever... That inkling remains.

Another irrational moment..
So I went to Ireland this last weekend. It was very exciting and awesome. The friend that I was staying with was house-sitting and the family had specific rules about various things. One was closing all the blinds and curtains when it got dark. Whatever. That's fine. But I didn't want to close my blinds. I had this lovely field and irish mountain behind me. I had a romantic notion about the sun rising over the mountain into my window.
And then I turned out the lights and saw the outline of it in the distance. AND MY NEXT CONSCIOUS THOUGHT - AS A TWENTY NINE YEAR OLD WOMAN WAS-
Oh my gosh... If I leave the curtain open the faeries will get me.
What.
The faeries.
I was in Ireland after all..
Not leprechauns.
It was faeries.

This is both amusing and completely ridiculous.

ABC

A. There was a woman trying to capture peoples attention as they walked by today.. Her method..yelling: "STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE!" 

Whaaat!? 

Her male counterpart on the other side of the street had his own methods.. Aiming for me with a sly smile, a subtle complement and mumbling something in a foreign tongue.. In my head all I could think to do was pause and say excuse me? But that would have gotten me talking to him which I did not want to do.

Sneaky.. So sneaky. 

B. I had this really SOLID conversation this week with a couple girls from my class. One from Germany. One from Greece. (What a cool world I live in.. but that is beside the point..) The girl from Germany commented about how she very much wanted to get married and have a family. The girl from Greece told her she was crazy.. Wanted to "shake her shoulders" to make her see sense. Getting married at "our" age was crazy. Divorce is so prevalent! What if he leaves you? What if you are left to care for the children on your own with no support? You will never be able to travel or do anything ever. What if what if what if! Also a lot of commentary about her own fears about committing to one person for the rest of her life.

Katarina (German) spoke of her boyfriend who she has been with for four years. He has been the only one that she has been with and the same can be said for him. She wants a family. She spoke of her understanding of divorce (apparently it runs rampant in her family). She wants to pursue her education, but marriage and family is at the top of her to-do list. She spoke of motherhood with appreciation and reverence. Raising children would be such a privilege and selfless task.

HOW FREAKING AWESOME IS THAT!? 

I was sitting between them and finally I hit a point, after sitting there in utter shock and glee, to join in the conversation. I agree with her, I said, pointing to Katarina. I made my points. And it wasn't because I was "older" that I wanted to start a family. It has always been what I wanted. If it had happened when I was 23, it would have happened and I would have made it work. I would have just had different experiences.. Matured in a different way. This is MY choice and what I want most. I talked about my siblings and when they got married.. (21-23 ish... not counting Derek) and how YES it was a struggle.. I look at the things my sisters had at my age and it's just totally different from me.. It's intimidating... But I think it's amazing. I like the life I have had.. but still... there is a greater call for me.

The girl from Greece made her points too, but eventually left to go to the library. I was left with Katarina and we laughed and continued to talk about our views and how they differed from so-many-other-people. It was so wonderfully comforting to not feel alone in this. I think she felt the same.

C. I went to institute this week and we were talking about prophets. Why we have prophets. Why we follow the prophets. There was a whole thing about our pillars or foundation of our faith. So.. at some point I opted to raise my hand and mention mine..

Eternal families. That was the beginning of my understanding and knowledge of truth. And it wasn't just because my dad died and I'm "hoping" to see him again.

First off.. I know-that-I-will... But it was in that moment that I, at thirteen, told my Father in Heaven "thy will be done." In my mind I presented my dad to my Father... My willingness to give him up.. It was in that moment that I felt peace. In the chaos of concern over my dad, his health and safety, I was comforted to know that everything would be okay. And it was. Just not the way I was expecting.

I didn't go into detail about this in my class. Just a mention of my faith and understanding.. how I knew at that moment, and I would not doubt it. If there is ever a question, I return to this moment.
Elder Phillips, one of the senior missionaries, leaned over to me and rubbed my arm with a look of utter devastation on his face.
"I'm sorry you had to learn that way."
"I'm not," I muttered under my breath. (No one heard me)

Let it be known that I LOVE MY DAD. He is seriously the best of men and I am convinced that he is doing great work on the other side. I am convinced that he looks out for me. I had an amazing childhood with a dad who loved me. I would never trade that. And I have grown and learned from this experience. And I know that through my faith and diligence I can be with him again.

This life is not the end. 

I have a purpose. 

AMEN!