Merry Merry

When you know you want something, when you know you have to have it, when you know it will make you happier, when you it is THE thing for you, will you let anyone or anything stop you from getting it? Achieving it?

It's just a thought that's been sitting with me since last night. When you figure out that something or someone is right for you, it shouldn't be such hard work to admit it, right? It's like deciding that you want a large cup of cafe mocha, and you make a beeline for the counter and order it. You'll deal with the consequences later. All you know is, it's going to make you happy, and you brave the crowds and the cost to get it.

Censequences are not hindrances. When you know you want something, you want it, period. No need to figure anything else out. No need to stress and obsess about it. No sleepless nights thinking of how to communicate it or express it. You just go and get it. Or do it. Or say it. No nameless or formless fear should be able to stop you. You'll figure it all out when you've got whatever it is you wanted. It's like all those adventure movies where the hero just knows, deep in his heart and his gut that he has to get to the woman he loves. He'll figure out how to get past all the obstacles to her when he gets there. And when he's got her, that's when he'll figure out how they'll get out of whatever place they're in.

Shouldn't it be as easy as that? When you know you want something like that?

Of course real life isn't that easy. It takes a lot of courage to admit you want something, or don't. And sometimes the consequences are harsh, and they don't end with a credit roll and closing overture music. But we'll never really know how it will all go unless we try. :)

Kapaskuhan

I used to celebrate Christmas the moment December 1 blew in. Everything--the lights, the music, the air, the traffic, the crowds--seemed to coalesce and build up into one grand finale on December 24. There used to be a lot of what I call "a perfect second" when you take a breath and you feel this waterfall of contentment wash over you and you look around smiling, and everything in your world is perfect. Then you blink and it's gone.

Wrapping presents are my thing. I look forward to it every year. There's a joy that comes with anticipating that happy smile on a friend's face when they receive your little token, or the yelp of glee when a loved one rips the package open. No matter how prettily it was wapped. Yes, there are two levels to gift-giving: the happiness of wrapping something up nicely and giving it away, and the second wash of happiness when you see what's really inside.

This year Christmas was late. So much happened that threatened to postpone my holiday altogether. :( it's been a trying year, but it's so much better than last year's. It's so much more awful when you're weak and the world is falling apart and you don't know how to fix things.

Anyway, at least Christmas is here. Even if it came two days before Christmas Eve. I'm not sure now if this is what CHristmas will be like as I grow older. Hopefully that's just this year. I'm just a little sad that I wasn't able to feel the whole width and breadth of it. Making a living gets in the way of having a life. There are things that can't just be dropped because you're exhausted. There are also things you just can't leave alone. And which you have to fix or else your peace of mind gets screwed up royaly.

And so you put out the little fires and before you know it the days are gone. Funny that today the whole day seemed to crawl and it was sometime during the afternoon that I realized I missed 22 days of good feelings. [DEEP SIGH] Oh well. Shit happens. And sometimes it happens right in the middle of the holidays.

I'm still better off than the Poes and de Venecias of this world though. I'm still thankful for that.

Hanging on

My eyes are heavy
like rainclouds in the distance
trying not to rain

Calm before the Storm

I feel it deep in my gut. I can feel the dense, dark clouds swirling in my head and they're suffocating me. The echoes are bouncing around the insides of my head and a cold chill embraces me.

Something is brewing, and I hate that I don't know what will come next. I hate not being in control and at least not knowing what the status of the rest of my working life is here. I am dizzy with foreboding. Is this the end?

I wish someone would come up to defend us. I wish someone would take responsibility. We did. Now it's their turn. And I'd really appreciate it if they would let us know where everything stands.

I don't want us to be at the mercy of someone who slanders us. Especially when we know it was a matter of technicality and lack of accountability and a great deal of handwashing on the part of our bosses. I hate that it's always those who are right that get oppressed.

I also don't want to do the "should-haves" thing. What's done is done, right. No use going back and regretting. We just move forward and deal with the present.

But presently, I don't know how things stand.

Don't provoke me

or you'll be sorry. When someone accuses me or those honorable people I work with, of unethical practices, they'd better have proof. Or else they'll be eating their own shit.

And they'd better be careful about doing that in public, with other people around. People who are NOT involved in the issue. People who can stand as witnesses later and give an impartial account of the event. When we prove that they've been lugging their blubber around broadcasting misinformation about us, mark my word, they're going to choke. And we'll stand around them watching.

To think we trusted these people. To think I enjoyed working with them. To think I helped cover their poor stupid, sorry asses several times from getting skinned---and here they leave us at the mercy of this albino walrus and her pea-sized brain!

So, ipitan na lang pala tayo. That's totally fine with me. I can play that game. And I can win. And when I do, gad, will they be sorry they ever crossed me.

Do it yourself

I almost ran away last night. I almost took the rusty cutter in my pen holder, my big black back pack, and my wallet with me. I almost walked out the door and swore that if anyone tried to stop me I'd whip out my cutter and threaten to cut myself.

I almost ran away, but I didn't. Because I'm a coward. Because I was too alone. Because I knew I really didn't have the strength to do it.

Maybe there's another way, I thought, as I clogged up my nostrils with snot. If talking has failed, if presenting empirical evidence doesn't work, if offering help before it's even asked isn't appreciated, maybe there's another way of bailing myself out of this mess that I haven't explored yet. If only I knew what it was.

Oh, the cutter looked so nice and bright with its red plastic. If only I could cut away that which was making me hurt so much. Life's so ironic. Just when you think you're helping people, you end up hurting them instead. So what good are you? Might as well hurt yourself.

Lose yourself. So you don't hurt others anymore.

No one has to see the way your eyes express your feelings. No one has to misconstrue it as a criticism. No one will have to hear you speak so they won't misunderstand that you were offering a solution and not an insult. No one will have to know you as someone impressive when you're really not, and then get all disappointed when they realize what you really are.

Who says you matter at all in this cynical world? You only think you do. When you really come down to it, how much can you really do? What have you really done? Will it all really matter in the end?

Thoughts on Yoyong #1

I was surprised I wasn't agitated today on my way to work. Apart from the fact that classes were cancelled because of the storm, I realized it was because the billboards on EDSA were removed. You could actually see the skyline. And you could actually see the sky! There was less clutter, less distraction. And the gray, smog-ridden city actually looked...nice.

The local governments should think about tearing those things down permanently. Maybe the MMDA could find a place where the billboards can stay, sort of like an exclusive advertising nook in the city. It will keep the metropolis looking neater. And it will keep the citizens safer.