My Sweet Lord "controversy"
NEW YORK Mar 31, 2007 (AP)— A planned Holy Week exhibition of a nude, anatomically correct chocolate sculpture of Jesus Christ was canceled Friday after Cardinal Edward Egan and other outraged Catholics complained.
...
But word of the confectionary Christ infuriated Catholics, including Egan, who described it as "a sickening display." Bill Donohue, head of the watchdog Catholic League, said it was "one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever."

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(Many a religious righty have repeated the following logic to me in the past, so I present it now to them.)

Dear church officials,
You are not constitutionally guaranteed the right to not be offended. We do not live in a theocracy. If I were guaranteed the right to not be offended, I'd be able to arrest you for offending my sense of logic. Get a grip and find something else to complain about. Like evolution. You seem to have dropped the ball on that one recently.

Also:

Dear Catholics who believe that the representative "bread" and "wine" actually is the body and blood of Christ,
Why not bring some peanut butter and a fork and have a themed communion? Instead of bread and wine enjoy chocolate and milk.

No love,
Me

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Dear entire country:
My mother's birthday is 11 September.

YES she knows.
YES we know too.
YES that day was pretty much a seething ball of mixed emotions for her.
YES it is still kind of a ball of mixed emotions for her, though somewhat less with the seething.

NO she does not appreciate your observations.
NO we do not appreciate your observations either.
NO it does not help matters when you point out the fact that she shares her birthday with a national tragedy with pointless, superfluous and, quite frankly, inane comments like "wow . . . it must, like, be kind of weird to have that birthday."
NO you are not the first person to point that out.

YES when you do that it makes her want to kill you with a pencil.

So, in short, when you're . . . say . . . (hypothetically of course) a pharmacist running her insurance card verifying her information and you see her birthday pop up on the screen and inhale through your teeth and give her a "wow . . . it must, like, be kind of weird to have that birthday," please do us all a favour and SHUT UP AND FILL HER PRESCRIPTION.

No love,
-Tymber

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Dear boss,

This thing called a work schedule exists so that your employees know when they are working beforehand, and thus can plan around it. They are not happy when you assume they have no lives and call them up early in the morning asking them to come in that day. Just because I have no life does not make this any better. Please get out of this habit.

No love,
James

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Odiferous...
Dear customers:

Shower. Daily. Thanks.

No love,
Me.

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I'm sorry if I step on anyone's toes with this but . . .
Dear NYC St. Patrick's Day Parade,

It was bad enough that, during the Amtrak ride to my parents' house in Williamstown MA, after I switched trains at Penn Station, Rickie and I were basically surrounded by very drunk, very loud, very obnoxious St. Patrick's Day revelers (it was then that I remembered "oh yeah. It's 19 May).

It was bad enough that the ticket taker behaved like an absolute ASSHOLE because, and I quote, "I'm the only sober one on this train. How would you fucking like to work on St. Patrick's Day?" I have. Besides, I'm NOT your asshole boss so stop acting like a prick and punch my fucking ticket.

It was even bad enough that, upon deciding to use the bathroom in aforementioned Amtrak train, I stepped in a heap (not a puddle, not even a pile, but a fucking HEAP) of vomit someone thoughtfully deposited on the floor, rather than in the toilet, and spent the next fifteen minutes frantically scrubbing GREEN PUKE off the sole of my shoe chanting "ew! ew! ew!"

But the line was crossed today when (and I'm surprised it took me this long to find it, considering how religiously I read the news) I read that John Dunleavy, chair of the NYC St. Patrick's Day parade, in defense of the Ancient Order of Hibernian's decades-long practice of banning Irish LGBT organizations and people from marching, compared LGBT people (Irish-American and otherwise) to prostitutes, Ku Klux Klan members, and neo-Nazis.

"If we let homosexuals march," he said, "should we let prostitues march as well? Should a black pride parade let members of the KKK march? Should a Jewish parade let neo-Nazis in?"

Ah yes, John. I remember very well when I and my fellows went door to door in Dublin rounding up Irish people and gassing them.

No love,
-me

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Army recruitment
What follows is my hand-written response to a form letter I received from army recruiters. It appears as if they have me pegged as a "biology student", which obviously means I must be interested in medical school. Hah!


Ms. Duke:

Thank you for the thoughtful form letter (enclosed). I regret to inform you that I am uninterested and ineligible for service in the armed forces. Please remove me from whatever mailing lists you have me on. Not only am I a botanist with no interest in medical school (I shudder at the thought of mammalian anatomy), but I am also gay and would not comply with "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Furthermore, I honor peace and pacifism, not violence and war; I could never associate myself with such an organization as yours. Beyond that, I am already enrolled in a rewarding academic graduate program of my choice that will lead to my own career goals.

Once again, please remove me from all recruiting mailing lists. I wish you the best in the future.

(No Love,)
Me

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Screw you, Belkin
Dear Belkin,

I hate you. A lot. All I wanted was a dependable, cheap wireless router. I suppose I got what I paid for, though I would appreciate simple packaging that could indicate the reasons your product is $20-30 less than linksys. Let's list them, shall we?
-Fewer security features.
-Dropped connections every. fucking. hour.
-Those dropped connections don't reconnect, so I have to reset the whole damned thing every hour.
-You make my blood boil.

Your product should come with a disclaimer: Not for those that can't take a 50-point increase in the blood pressure. Perhaps this your version of a cruel joke, Belkin? Let's give an old geezer a heart attack. Is this how you get your jollies?

Oh, and your tech support people... I know they mean well. I know they're probably good people. But you give them no script that can help me. I tell them "It drops connections every hour." They tell me "Reset the router, make sure it's not your ISP." "Done and done. Still does it." Then you send me a replacement router. I figure, new version, updated firmware--it must work better! An hour later... Crash. I call again, you tell me there's nothing more you can do. I buy linksys and now I'm happy.

Oh, and thank you, Belkin, for sending me a free paperweight. Otherwise, you suck.

Go suck money out of someone else's bank account. (I should have known better)

No love,
Me.

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To: Geico Customer Service Management
You know, I always liked those cute commercials, like the Old Navy ad spoof, so when I purchased a new car last year, I decided to go with Geico. You offered me better policy components at a reduced price. Everything was smashing; we had a great love affair. I paid you every six months in advance and never got a ticket or in an accident and all I ever heard from you was confirmation of payments and offers for bigger and better policies I really wasn't interested in.

It was unfortunate I was in an accident that made my car unsafe to drive. Like any good companion, I expected you to be there for me. You were a great tease. The woman I reported the accident to was compassionate and caring. She understood my situation and scheduled me an appointment with a claims adjuster ASAP.

Except I think your claims adjuster might be on drugs and alcohol. That's the only reason I can think he would schedule an apointment and then stand me up on three seperate occasions. Mt Bug and I are lovely, sexy even! Surely you'd have wanted to meet us. It was all okay I was assured, the claims adjuster wouldn't have to have to see the car before I was given a rental. These were a part of my policy and you were gracious to give them to me even though the customer service rep I spoke to called me a liar and claimed that the person who cancelled on me didn't work for the company.

No one told me that those 6 days the claims adjuster did not see my car was a part of my 30-day allowance. So when I was approved for time with the rental I thought everything would be fine. Unfortunately my bumber is on backorder. It's a very unfortunate situation, and I'm sorry I have to bother you Geico.

All I asked for was a 6 day extension past the 30 days since your claims adjuster was negligent in keeping his appointments. I did ask for rudeness. This is something that should be given to me without having to demand to speak to a manager. And when I do, a manager should provide this to me without argueing with me for 15 minutes. She should not indicate to me that it's my problem and they filled their obligation by looking at the car within 6 days. And when I ask for your manager, you should bring him on the line.

Geico, you're customer service rating with my is definately NOT 97%.

No love,
Ellie

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Dear Fuckwit Customers,
If you have no idea what a product is, then I will be happy to explain it to you. However, while I am pleasently explaining, do NOT ask me if i think you're stupid. Do NOT tell me that you think i'm patronizing you. Don't tell me that you are going to go somewhere else because I'm treating you unfairly. You're the one who asked about the paint in the first place. You're the one who needs an explination because you're "only doing this for fun" and "have never done this before". I responded to your plea for help.
After that? No fucking way am I giving you a discount. You're NOT a student if you're doing this at home for fum. Don't try to bullshit me.
Oh, and even if we DID accept checks, I still wouldn't take one from you.

No Love,
Me

Current Mood: annoyed

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Dear George Steinbrenner and Johnny Damon,

The Yankees and their fans would be much better off without EITHER of you.

No Love,
Me.

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Re: The NYC Strike
A No Love letter to the folks at the MTA and the TWU,

You fucking bastards!! Fuck the lot of you!! The MTA, the TWU, everyone involved with this bullshit, fuck you all!!

Yes, for completely personal and selfish reasons, I am pissed. I will now be taking a final on Tuesday December 27 instead of tonight at 6:20. When after an exhausting and draining semester of graduate study, I could be done tonight but instead I have to take a final after Christmas! For my mother who doesn't need to deal with this. For my friends who don't need to deal with this.

For unselfish reasons I am pissed because this is going to help to destroy this holiday season in New York City! Because the hardship that people are going to face. I expect that some people may even die because of this insanity. If people can't get to hospitals something bad is going to happen!! For the other college and university students who are going to have finals delayed or need to figure out how to get to a final in this. For all the people of New York who don't need to deal with this!!

Happy friggen Holidays, you bastards!!

Absolutely NO LOVE,
Marianne -one very unhappy New Yorker
And everyone else in this City who has to deal with your bullshit!



Similar version of this originally posted at my journal


Current Mood: aggravated

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Oh, yes, the DMV
Dear Australopithecine "man" behind the counter at the Washington Department of Licensing (WADOL *chukle*), also known as Fred:

My car is not stolen. I did not use illegal means to obtain said car. I did not need a lienholder to release the title for the car for the same reason it is not stolen--I paid for it. Through the nose. I own it, every last fiber and mechanical problem. Therefore, I am offended that you would even suggest that I illegally obtained a title for my vehicle in Ohio and I suggest that it was rather your incompetence that led you to this conclusion. No, sir, you mispronounced "lien." No, for the last time, no lienholder needed to release my title to me, for I didn't have one. Oh, yes, thick skull, I understand.

I have had to register vehicles and flip titles in four states now, NJ, PA, OH, and WA. Out of all four, sir, your state's DMV-like-institution was the more poorly run. In the state capital, no less! I will have to commend you, though, there were few people waiting in line. I suspect you keep the crowds at bay with incompetence, frustration, and your large, cranial brow. Please remember to not drag your knuckles so often, it ruins the floor.

No Love,

Ryan

(cross-posted to my journal)

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WV is not love
Dear Volkswagen of America and Heart Volkswagen of Kingston, NY:

I should have known I was being foolish when I bought a brand new WV bug. My jettas had simply been too good. I know that you're simply punishing me for my stupidity and hoping I'll know better next time.

You see, the car did not start when I tried to pick it up, but I let the dealership place a new battery in the car and send me on their way. I've no learned that they did not replace the defective battery and provided no record that there was even a problem. I should have known people were dishonest in nature.

When after driving the car for four days the transmission developed a serious electrical problem, I should have said something. When the dealership refused me service and I had to involve the Consumer Fraud Division of Ulster County, I should have done something. When the transmission had to be repaired twice, that should have clued me in.

When after a year the alternator of the car broke and again Heart Volkswagen of Kingston denied me service, I should have spoke out. Instead I diagnosed the problem myself and spoke with the manager. He was so impressed with me he agreed to honor the car's warranty. When after a week the alternator broke again, I should have demanded a new car.

Instead I called you and requested the warranty be extended for another year and that I get the wages I lost due to the car's electrical issues. You laughed, and gave me $100 of credit at a dealership that does not want to service my car. You gave me a slap on the ass as though I was your corporate whore.

Next time, I'm buying a saturn.

No love and no peace and I don't care if the Bug is a cultural icon,
Ellie

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Dear all Men who Catcall,
Stop it. Really. It's annoying. It will get you nowhere, unless you are whisteling or honking at a $20 whore or some sad slut with an inferiority complex. If you are driving a stinky garbage truck, you really have no rights to whistle, let alone wave. If you must embrace this stupidity, then maybe it shouldn't be aimed towards women who are covered from head to toe in dirt, brandishing shovels, trowels, machetes, and pick-axes who are digging litte round holes next to the highway. You don't need to remind us when we're at work that we have breasts. I don't go down to where you work and remind you that you're an asshole.

Dear Two Guys in the Village Commenting On My Ass,
There really is no point. I realize you think it's funny to yell about, but that's only because your life is empty of meaning. Yes, it is large. I am a fat woman, so a large ass is part of the package deal. Oh, and yes, as you so eloquently put it, "I know how to walk that shit."

Dear everyone who has ever dumped garbage in empty wooded lots along the highway,
You make the archaeologists cry.

No Love,
me

Current Mood: annoyed

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Dear Bees that live in a nest under ground in the woods on campus,

I'm sorry that i stpped on your nest. Really. However, if you'd sent ONE of your drones to tell me so - you know, buzz around my head a bit - then that would be fine.
I do not, however, appreciate the massive attack you sent me. In the process, I lost a pair of clippers, looked like an idiot, AM V. STINGY RIGHT NOW, and you got FIVE of your drones killed. Is this neccessary? If you understood WHY I was near your nest, and understood capitalism, I'm sure you wouldn't do this.

No love,
an angry bee fan-turned killer

Current Mood: aggravated

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Dear NYPD,

What. The. Fuck.

You really think making Grand Central Station a madhouse at rush hour is really going to put a damper on terrorism? Stopping people for 'random' bag searches when everyone's in a hurry, yeah that'll go over REAL well.

Like it's not fucked up and crowded enough there already, you're going to pretend there's no racial profiling involved at all.

Suck it and fuck it.

You're just making people's lives all the more uncomfortable and violation their own personal sense of self.

Screw you.

No love,

Me.

x-posted to my own journal.

Current Mood: pissed off

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Dear Norman Roth, owner of University Hill Realty:

You suck. A lot. My mother recently informed me that she received a letter from you stating that not only are you not returning my security deposit, but you are also charging me 69USD. While I would normally snicker at the fortuitous amount, I find myself entirely unable to do so.

According to the letter, you are charging me for damaged window screens; screens I EXPLICITLY TOLD YOU needed replacing the VERY FIRST DAY I MOVED IN AND ARE DOCUMENTED. You are also apparently charging me for cleaning, despite the fact that MY PARENTS AND I LEFT THE FUCKING ENTIRE APARTMENT ABSOLUTELY SPOTLESS WHEN I MOVED OUT. Finally, you are charging me for taking down the ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING BATHROOM MIRROR IN THE HALLWAY. Seriously -- the thing was covered with mold. To add insult to injury you are charging me for another quarterly waterbill, dated AFTER THE TERMINATION OF MY FUCKING LEASE, which adds 30USD on top of the additional 69USD I owe you for cleaning my already clean as it can possibly be apartment. Oh yeah -- and also taking into account the fact that my security deposit was 400USD you are all told extorting me out of 499USD.

Maybe if you focused on maintaining the slums you already own without trying to acquire as much new property as fast as possible and letting it sit there and rot while your tenants have to BEG you to fix the shower so they can get ready for work the next day you wouldn't feel compelled to extort your tenants who have recently graduated and aren't employed yet.

Fuck you. Sideways. With a chainsaw.

No love whatsoever,
-Jonathan

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Dear Mike Stanton,

Why on earth did we ever bring you back to the team?

Wait, maybe I shouldn't rank on you, you had a banner evening, only allowing ONE RUN!!!!! (And at least it was quick, like a band-aid, MR. ONE PITCH!!!!!) The Orioles even proclaimed you their Pitcher of the Game. Maybe we should trade you to them for a decent reliever.

No Love,
Rachel

Dear Tom Gordon,

Why did you let them tie it up? *You* blew the game even worse than Stanton did! Maybe we should trade you for a decent reliever.

No Love,
Rachel

Dear Joe Torre,
Listen, dude, I love you, and I always will, but Stanton? EVERY YANKEE FAN IN THE STANDS knew he'd blow the game. And there were almost as many of us as there were O's fans. Can you please lobby to George to get us some decent pitchers?
Small amounts of Love,
Rachel

Dear George Steinbrenner,
F You. You waste our money on crap players. Why don't you spend a little less and get some good farm prospects so we can have another dynasty like the 96-2000 years, eh???? No, congratulations, you've brought us back to the 80's.

Also, do us a favor and let Giambi and Johnson out of their contracts.

Absolutely no Effing Love,
Rachel

Dear Randy Johnson, The Big Ugly Turkey Unit,
Gobble Gobble Gobble. I can't wait till Thanksgiving. I knew you'd do NOTHING for this team, and I was RIGHT.

No Love,
Rachel

PS, I'm still pissed about 2001, Jackass.

Dear Orioles,

Seeing as everytime I come to Camden Yards the Orioles win, the next game I'll be attending there will be O's vs. Red Sox.

Sincerely,
Rachel

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Dear Cosmos,
You really need to stop. You're driving us all crazy. If I hear one more person be swept aside as useless and unloved I will sweep you aside.
No love,
Solange

Current Mood: angry

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Dear US Airways,

Wow, do you suck.

First of all, I didn't even *want* to fly with you. Travelocity switched me to you.

Then, I get on board expecting the same level of service I get with the "lower quality" airlines, such as Jet Blue and Delta Song. You know, TVs in the back of the seat, complimentary headset, that sort of thing. Nope. None of that. There was an in flight movie, but I couldn't hear the sound without a headset - that you wanted to charge me $5 for. Then, you charged me $5 for a snack box that supposedly had trivia and games in it. BS. It had a couple of questions on the outside and a word search puzzle on the bottom, that I couldn't even do because the stupid fruit cup leaked out all over. So I called your stewardess, and she wouldn't take the offending items away, even though they were dripping all over.

Then you lose my bag. Then, you tell me the bag is on its way. The bag isn't on its way, you just told me that to get me off the phone. And now, you won't answer your phone because it's after midnight EST.

Die Die Die, but not before you upgrade me and my husband to first class for our flight home Saturday.

No Love,
Rachel

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