little cloud

I did the roller derby thing yesterday after all that agonising!

1. it was fun

2. driving is less scary each time I do it, which is not surprising since that's the way facing your fears WORKS but it manages to surprise me a bit anyway. my fear of driving is sometimes so all-encompassing that it's hard to imagine spending a moment of it in anything but white-knuckled terror.

3. driving was okay despite the fact that while nearing Ballarat I was like "woah is my suspension off? do I have a flat tyre???" and then realised it wasn't that, it was just THE SHEER FORCE OF THE WIND NEARLY DRIVING ME OFF THE ROAD.

4. it was opposite day at scrimmage, where I enjoyed jamming more than blocking (??) but also enjoyed reffing the advanced scrimmage so much that I didn't want to stop (?????)

MEANWHILE I also set myself up with artistic skating classes at a nearby rink here where I live!!! Only to hear from derby people that the staff at this rink are not good on safety stuff and it's best to learn somewhere else. Unfortunately there are just not that many other rinks to start with, let alone rinks that offer artistic skating. :/ Also let me tell you, it is somewhat sobering to hear <em>roller derby players</em> being concerned with your safety when doing <em>dance skating</em>. Definitely not discounting it, I completely believe them, but it sure goes against people's perception of skate disciplines.

I intend to check out the rink and the classes for myself anyway, just with a more measured look now. After five years of roller derby I'm pretty confident in my ability to judge what's safe, and to have boundaries, and I'm comfortable telling a teacher "I don't care what your class rules are, it's my body and I'm not going to do that right now." But proceeding with caution.




Meanwhile, in fandom, REMEMBER WHEN I USED TO TALK ABOUT DOCTOR WHO ALL THE TIME? Probably not, it's been at least five years, but I will definitely watch again for the new Doctor, omg. Excited to get this train back on track.


I've also started rewatching Utena, in a real blast from the past moment. The animation in this anime looked old when I first saw it back in the 2000s, and looks even older now. It strikes me that it's about the only time I've really enjoyed the arranged marriage trope. "I fought this duel to defend my friend's honour! I didn't realise that meant I was now engaged!" My partner walked over during episode three, during that bit where Touga tries flirting with Utena for the first time, and she just said "Don't touch her. I've watched this show for five seconds and I already know that." RIGHT ON.

I moved house and started a new job all in the same week. That was three weeks ago, and I guess this is the first time I've felt like I had time to sit down, take my time and think. And yet I've barely taken any down time before I'm gearing up to do something else terrifying: drive out to Ballarat to play some roller derby again.

So much of the world seems overwhelming and scary to me sometimes. I know all about the value of leaving your comfort zone, but while i keep expanding my comfort zone it's still pretty small. Usually, just going about my daily life involves doing several things every day that scare me. It really isn't necessary to exacerbate it by combining two uncomfortable things (driving and playing sports) in one afternoon, and then commit to doing it every week. And yet, here I am, spending all morning obsessing about it, knowing I'll feel sad and disappointed if I don't go.

I've spent the last year trying to work out where I am with roller derby. I thought moving back to Melbourne and rejoining my old league would be fun, but I didn't feel at home there any more and then I was ground down by a concussion and by bullying. Spent the next six months just trying to get back to the point where I could get on the track without crying. And, okay, I got there, that was good.

I love skating, and I feel like I'm missing something without it. I love the derby community, too, and I feel sad when I'm not a part of it. The problem is that I never really had a great passion for competition, and now I feel that all my drive to compete is gone. Combine that with a whole pile of do-people-still-even-care-about-me feelings about the Ballarat club after being away for a year and a half, and I don't know where to find any motivation.

Although, there is always refereeing.

I haven't reffed before because... well, basically it looks too hard. I know! What the hell! Harder than having people tackle you while you're both wearing wheel shoes? Yes, because ti means making complex decisions about applying rules and people are going to question my judgement, and can I really deal with that? Also, it's a skill that takes ages to learn and I haven't felt like I had the energy for it. I'm not always up for feeling like a foolish newbie any more.

So in feeling overwhelmed and like I'm worn out from doing things that scare me, I've come around to a solution that also involves challenging myself. I'm also a bit stuck on the fact that I really enjoy the image of myself as a roller derby player. But I've done a lot of that by now, and if I don't feel excited by playing, is it worth it to keep up the image?