Permanent Joy in Temporary Settings

I was asked to speak at a fireside for the University Stake in our community. Below is an outline of what I shared, but first a bit of Q&A.
Q: What is a fireside?
A: It's like an evening devotional. I believe it gets its name from back in the day when pioneers would gather around the fire at night for a spiritual message. But I might have just made that up.
Q: What is a University Stake?
A: A stake is not a misspelled chunk of meat but instead a group of congregations of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This particular stake is made up of the congregations (some for married students and some for single students) from Washington State University of University of Idaho. 
Q: Why were you the speaker?
A: No really good reason. A friend of mine who is in a leadership position in the student stake asked and I was happy to accept.
Q: Is there a lot of Mormon language in this?
A: Yes. This was an address to a predominantly LDS audience, so I used language and shared stories appropriate for that audience. I've tried to do some translating in italics. Hopefully the message is still applicable to the non-LDS crowd.

Permanent Joy in Temporary Settings

The other night I was rocking our youngest son Ace (5 months old) to sleep. I was nestled comfortably in the oversized recliner I've rocked all five of my children to sleep in. Everyone else was sleeping and the whole world was quiet and peaceful. The only sound was my baby suckling on his bottle. Suddenly he stopped, and he grabbed my thumb with his entire hand. He looked up and me with a big, toothless grin and his whole face just radiated love for me.

I was completely overcome in that moment with one thought. And that thought was: Kid, you have got to finish this bottle right now so I can go back to sleep.

I tell you this story so you'll understand what this fireside is not. This is not going to be one of those things where I stand up here and tell you how these are the best years of your life, that they'll be over in a blink of an eye and one day you'll look back and miss them.

That all is probably true, but it's not the message I bring tonight.

The message I am bringing is an acknowledgment that likely all of you find yourselves in the uncomfortable position of waiting for something, waiting for your "real" life to begin. Maybe you're waiting for a mission call, or to get married. You might be waiting to be blessed with children, or to graduate and get a job. Maybe you're waiting for some sort of direction in your life.

In the meantime, you're surrounded by the temporary -- temporary apartment, temporary roommates (unless your roommate is your spouse, in which case I hope it's not temporary). Your classes will change, your job will change, even your ward (LDS congregation) will change.

Living a temporary existence is full of challenges, perhaps greatest of which the temptation to disengage, to merely bide your time.

I testify to you that there is a way to navigate your temporary years in a way that will make you happy now and always.

The Colesville Saints

We can learn how by looking at the example of the Colesville Saints.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was officially established in April of 1830. Membership to this new church grew quickly, and it didn’t take long for branches (congregations) to form. The third branch of the Church was the Colesville Branch. It consisted of Saints living in and around Colesville, New York. Its first branch president was Hyrum Smith, brother to the prophet Joseph.

The Colesville Saints knew and loved Joseph Smith, even before the church was organized. It was members of that branch who supported Joseph, financially and otherwise, during the period of time he translated the Book of Mormon. They also knew and loved one another. So in December 1830 when the Church received a revelation to relocate to the Ohio Valley, the Colesville Saints sold, packed or left behind all of their possessions and headed West together.

They left New York State in April of 1831 and arrived to Kirtland, Ohio that May. Almost immediately they were told to relocate again to nearby Thompson, Ohio. So as a group they picked up and moved a little further.

They began immediately settling the land, with structures and roads and a meeting house.  Then, just six weeks after they arrived, the property owner had a change of heart and evicted them. So, as a group, they picked up on moved again, this time to Kaw Township in Jackson County, Missouri.

This time faired better – they got to stick around for nearly two years before mobbing forced them to move to Clay County Missouri in 1833.

And from there they got to stick around for a bit until finally in 1836 the church as a whole moved on and the branch, which had been through so much together, finally scattered.

There are three lessons I want to share from the Colesville Saints.

(1) Come together with your fellow Saints

First, to come together with your fellow Saints.

No doubt the difficult circumstances that the Colesville Saints endured were made bearable because they were endured together. No pioneer ever sat in their room feeling sorry for themselves because no one around them understood how hard it was to pickup and move time and time again. Everyone knew just how that felt.

You are blessed to be surrounded by others whose circumstances are unique and yet in so many ways they know exactly how you feel. They are struggling with many of the same things as you. Take advantage of this time together to form lifelong friendships.

Think about the many times in your life when you made lifelong friendships in short periods of time. If you've ever attended EFY (Especially For Youth, a week-long camp for LDS teens normally held on LDS college campuses) or a sport's camp, you've probably made a best friend in one afternoon. And think about your spouse if you're married. Chances are most of you made a close connection in less than a decade.

Enjoy this time with your fellow wanders on the Palouse. Reach out to each other. Help each other. Love each other. These relationships will be life-altering and eternally benefitting.  Plus, you've got Facebook to keep you connected for years. Imaging in the Colesville Saints had Facebook back in their day. They would have been liking each others photos of oxen on a daily basis.

(2) Seek and follow the counsel of your leaders

Second, we can learn from the Colesville Saints to seek and follow the counsel of our leaders. The Colesville Saints had Hyrum Smith and then Newel Knight as their leaders in the early days of the Church. Today you have dedicated, loving leaders you can turn to as well. I know, because they take your leaders from the family stake (the congregations in town made up of all the non-students such as my family) and we struggle because you steal all our best families.

I also know you have great leaders because I experienced that when I was a member of this stake. Brother Walker, who invited me to speak, is a good friend of mine and a great leader. His father is someone I credit with all the good things that have happened in my life.

Bishop Walker was my bishop when I first moved to Moscow. By his love and concern for me, he helped me to make better choices and to start doing the things that made me truly happy then and have resulted in continued happiness today.

And he wasn't the only one. There was Bishop Hughett and Bishop Capawana, Bishop Zirker, Sister Zirker, President Huber, Sister Smith, Sister Miller, Sister Schoenberg. You likewise have great leaders today who love you and who have proper guidance for you. Counsel with them. Listen to them.

(3) The counsel from the Lord: Live as to years

Finally, there's the counsel the Lord himself gave to the Colesville Saints that applies to us today.

The Lord told the Saints that Ohio was just a temporary gathering place, but he also told them how he wanted to live while they were there.

In Doctrine and Covenants (a collection of revelations that the LDS Church recognizes as scripture) Section 51 he said:

And I consecrate unto them this land for a little season, until I, the Lord, shall provide for them otherwise, and command them to go hence; And the hour and the day is not given unto them, wherefore let them act upon this land as for years, and this shall turn unto them for their good.

When they started to settle in Thompson, Ohio, they did it knowing they weren’t staying. They didn’t know they would only be there 6 weeks, but they did know it was a short-term thing.

Can you imagine the temptation to live out of your suitcase? How much easier it would have been for them to pitch a tent for 6 weeks and camp out, rather than build?

And can you imagine how hard it would have been, after being kicked out of their last home, to follow the Lord’s counsel and start building again, even though again the Lord told them this was just a temporary stop?

Defining 'as for years' today

What does it mean today to live “as for years” now?

We aren’t sent to the wilderness and told, “Build a city, even though you’re leaving soon.”

We are sent to Moscow, Idaho, or perhaps Pullman, Washington, and told, “Live.” That counsel means more than just stay alive.

The Lord knows better than you do how long or short your stay here will be. But clearly He doesn’t see that as an excuse for putting off any part of our lives.

I asked my Sunday School class today (I teach the high school juniors and seniors) their thoughts on this topic. All of them are short-timers, too. They had some great ideas as to why the Lord would want us to live as for years. Some of their thoughts:

• You never know who you were meant to meet and help in the short time you have.

• You leave a part of yourself with everyone you meet.

• Your circumstances are temporary, but you are permanent.

Il    I'll expound on that last one. Your circumstances are indeed temporary, but the you that you are becoming is permanent.

      Over the last 15 years, I have moved several times. Most moves were an upgrade of sorts, and I was always so excited for the change. Without fail, every time I would get everything unpacked and unloaded and be shocked that despite being in the nicer, newer apartment, everything as the same. With every new place I lived, I took the same old crappy furniture with me every time.

      Moving on to the next phase of your life doesn't change who you are. You are the furniture you take with you every new place you live.

Examples of living as for years

There have been many times in my life when I did not follow the Lord’s counsel to act “as for years.”

When I moved to Moscow at the turn of the century (literally) this was going to be a brief two-year stint. I was so un-invested in this place that I didn’t even bother to learn the name of my downstairs neighbor, whom I saw often in the stairwell.

I have to tell you, it’s really awkward now, 13 years later, when I run into him in town. It’s much too late in our relationship for me to ask him his name now.

There were other ways I didn’t act “as for years.” There were a lot of opportunities I squandered because I was so focused on biding my time and then relocating to civilization – you know, some place that has a Target.

I was not a great example of acting as for years. But I know others who were.

You may be familiar with what a Visa-waiter is. That’s what we call a missionary for the Church who is called to a foreign mission but has to serve in a stateside mission while waiting for his or her Visa to be approved. We had a missionary serving in our ward earlier this year. He was a Visa-waiter, but you would never know it the way he approached the work. He wasn’t going to be here long, but he served “as for years.” He was here. He was engaged.

Time extended

Sometimes we need to act “as for years” because our time in these temporary settings could be unexpectedly lengthened.

When Lehi’s family(too much to explain, so look it up here) left Jerusalem and headed to the Promised Land, they rejoiced when they reached the land they called Bountiful. After years of dwelling in tents and traveling through the wilderness, they thought they were there. They thought they had made it. They did not expect the Lord to command Nephi to build a ship so they could journey more – this time across the ocean. I’d imagine some of you had a similar feeling of shock and despair when you felt the urge to apply for grad school.

I mentioned how good the pioneers became at creating new settlements. When the early Saints, including members of the then separated Colesville Branch, finally arrived in the Salt Lake Valley, they continued to live in temporary housing while they built their permanent homes. And while still building Salt Lake, many were called to leave, to go establish settlements elsewhere. Nearly 500 of these settlements came after the Saints “settled” in the Salt Lake Valley.

As for me, I thought was just here for two years then off to bigger and better things. Things changed. First I slowed myself down a little by taking a quick break from school to serve a mission. Then I slowed myself down a lot when I married a freshman months after finally graduating myself.

(Though I will say to the single ladies, even if you’re a graduating senior, don’t overlook the freshmen guys. That’s where I found my diamond in the rough.)

Time shortened

Sometimes we need to act “as for years” because our time in these temporary settings could be unexpectedly shortened.

I mentioned I served a mission for the Church. I did not serve the full 18 months, however. About a year into my mission I woke up with no feeling and limited use of the left side of my body. I brushed it off and hid it from my leaders for as long as I could, but word eventually traveled up the chain and one night I received a phone call from my mission president letting me know I was loved, I was valued, and I was going home in three days.

I was so grateful that I could say my mission was one time in my life when I acted “as for years.”

Shortly after returning home, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I could talk for hours about how life with MS has served as a constant reminder to me about how I need to act now, while I can. Play with my children now, while I can still walk. Write my life story now while I can still type. Share my testimony now, while I can still speak.

Living as for years can mean really simple but profound change. Yesterday I was reading my husband’s journal and found a story from a year ago that I’d forgotten about. I should note that I read his journal with permission, but I’m totally sharing this without his permission so don’t tell him, OK?

June 8, 2013

Today was my day off. I was looking forward to spending the day with my four children. I had made plans to go to the park and the library. I promised my daughter that I would not watch any shows on the computer; this is one of my new rules. I waste so much time on the computer, time I could be spending with the four most precious people in my life and I have wasted countless hours ignoring them, hours I can't get back. I pray that i will be forgiven of my neglect and be able to make up somewhat for lost time.

I was called into work today, so my plans with my children will wait until tomorrow. My (Heavenly) Father has blessed me already today. I have not watched a single show, already spending several more hours with my children than I regularly would. Even though I will be gone (for the rest) of the day, it is already a success.

Ben's time with his children was cut short, but because he made some changes and was acting "as for years" the short time he did have was well spent.

I have two other friends who have been examples to me of living as for years.

Both were individuals I came to know and love during my time in the student stake. Both married wonderful women and were loved dearly by their families. Both died this last summer. 

R knew he was dying. For five years he battled cancer. He didn’t know it would take him, not until late in the game. But throughout those years, and throughout all of his life, he lived with purpose. He enjoyed life. He loved the people around him. And when it was clear the cancer would take him off this earth far too soon, he didn’t give up or even lighten up but instead intensified his efforts. Before he died, he took every opportunity to express love, to share kindness, to improve the world he was leaving behind. Ryan acted as for years when he knew he didn’t have years to live. He had time to give up, to disengage. But he chose not to. His time frame wound up being more like the Colesville Saints’ time in Thompson, Ohio – about six weeks.

B’s death, on the other hand, was unexpected and sudden. There was no warning. There was no probationary time to get used to the idea. He was there and living and thriving until suddenly there was an accident and he was gone. But Bryce also lived as for years, and because of that he left a legacy of so many people who loved him, so many lives made better through him.

Both established a foundation for a long life. Neither got to live that long life, but the life they did live they lived well.

What are you putting on hold?

Brothers and sisters, what areas in your life are you neglecting while in your temporary circumstances? What are you intentionally or unintentionally waiting until you’re settled to do?

Are you putting off giving a regular Fast Offering until you have more money to give?

Are you disengaged from missionary work because you’re not going to be here long enough to follow through?

Are you waiting until you’re married to regularly attend Family Home Evening? Or are you married but waiting until you have kids? Or do you have kids but you’re waiting until they’re old enough to be involved?

Do you look forward to the day when you can establish a Christ-centered home but right now just exist in a shared dwelling space?

Are you waiting to go to the temple?

Are you putting off truly committing to the commandments?

I don’t know your heart or your circumstances, but the Holy Ghost does. I hope as I’ve spoken with you you’ve felt a prompting, or perhaps tonight when you take time to ponder something will come to you – some change you can make during your temporary years to be living as to years.

Permanent happiness

The way you live your live during these temporary years will determine your permanent happiness. Be generous. Be kind. Be prayerful. Love and help each other. Counsel with your leaders. Establish lifetime habits and attitudes right now. What comes next is a whole series of new temporary circumstances – after all, mortality itself is just a temporary period.

The Lord’s counsel to the Colesville Saints applies to you and to me. And so does the promise that followed.

To paraphrase what I’ve already read, from Doctrine and Covenants Section 51:

And I consecrate unto you this college life for a little season, until I, the Lord

shall provide for you otherwise and command you to go hence. And the hour

and the day is not given unto you, wherefore, act upon this opportunity as for years,

and this shall turn unto you for your good.

And then the promise:

And whoso is found a faithful, a just, and a wise steward shall enter

into the joy of his Lord and shall inherit eternal life.

FHE: September 21, 2014

I've been waiting to use this puppy since I bought it for $12 during our June visit to Idaho Falls.

A Family Home Evening assignment chart with seven spaces: Opening Prayer, Song, Scripture, Lesson, Activity, Treat and Closing Prayer.

The kids are excited to have their own job each week. The parents are excited for the new enthusiasm to help us keep FHE as a weekly tradition.

For our first go-round, Hawk was in charge of the music. He got to pick the opening hymn (closing hymn is always "Families Can Be Together Forever") and lead the music … with his Daddy's help.

Nelly was in charge of the scripture.

To start, Ben or I will find the verse for them to share, but eventually we'll have them pick their own. To go introduce our lesson, Nelly read this one:

Proverbs 18:24
A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.

For the lesson, I asked the kids what they think it means to be a supportive friend. Everyone listed some characteristics of a good friend -- share toys, play nicely together, help with problems. Then we talked about how friends have been supportive to us -- coming to Rutherford's baby blessing, being there for us when we needed help. We talked about an upcoming event where some friends might show up to support us -- the Primary Program that Hammy and Nelly (and Ben as a teacher) are part of next Sunday. Then we talked about ways we can be supportive in return. Nelly is going to help a friend from school who is having a hard time. Hammy wants to invite a friend over who he said struggles at home. Hawk will support Deak by helping him at school. Deak will help Hawk by helping him ride in a police car.

Finally we wrapped things off with Deakin's closing prayer.

We're super reverent during prayers, by the way. Hawk demonstrating proper nose-picking technique during prayer.

Nelly struggling to stay awake and Hammy … well, Hammy is Hulking. But reverently.

(And of course Mom is taking pictures during prayer, so that may tell you where they learned their reverence from.)

We wrapped up the night with Hammy handing out the treats -- this time some Air Heads I reluctantly shared because I'd been too sick all day to bake banana bread.

Tomorrow we'll switch the tags over and everyone will have a full week to be excited about their next assignment. Well, maybe not everyone. I'm a little apprehensive -- after all, Ace is up for snacks next time, and I don't happen to like any of the things he usually eats.

Pictures from the fair

I've been looking forward all week to showing off pictures of the fun time we had at the fair. Checking out the awesome booths. Trying our hand at the impossible-to-win games. Riding one of the rides. This year, we were even going to get some fair food, which is something we absolutely never do. Such a great time to be had.

But there's no pictures. And there was no great time to be had. Because I made a deal with the kids and they didn't do their end of the bargain and as a result we all missed out on the fair.

The bugger of it all is that we had a pretty good day today. The kids all got along. No one was bored. No one was crabby. But also, no one felt like doing the chore I assigned.

(Note: The oldest was excused from this chore because she always does it and the boys always ride her coattails.)

I'm exceptionally proud of myself. I made the chore assignment before lunch. Normally I'd give them what I would consider a fair amount of time to do it on their own, then I'd bark military style at them until it was actually done. Today, I did no yelling. For the first hour I reminded them several times. The more I'd find myself getting mad, the more I'd back off (for once).

The result? I never did yell. And we never did go to the fair. Because after six hours of asking nicely and reminding them kindly, the chore never got done.

Here's where it's hard being a parent. It is super, duper easy to yell. For one, it's my personal knee-jerk reaction -- they don't listen, I yell. For two, it's so darned effective. If I had yelled, they would have done the chore in the first hour. And then we could have gone to the fair. But I'm tired of yelling. And I'm fairly certain that I've trained my kids to react only to yelling. So today we tried this. And it … worked?

Hard to feel successful since there were so many tears to end the day and no one ended up getting what they wanted. I spent 20 minutes on the couch holding an absolutely broken down, sobbing 5-year-old. He was unconsolable. You'd think his puppy (the one I won't let him have) had died.

Everyone was sad. Everyone was disappointed. And in the end, the chore was done but the reward couldn't be had.

It was a pretty rough deal.

But maybe, just maybe, next time (tomorrow) I give an assignment, the kids will remember how it wasn't worth avoiding the chore today. Maybe in the future they'll remember the bad consequences and instead strive for the good ones.

Either way, we have no pictures or memories of our county fair this year. Meh. What are you going to do?

First day of school 2014

Impossibly, I have four kids in school this year. Sure, three are half-day (and not the same half-day to boot), but still. That's a whole lot of school-aged children.

Monday was the first day of school for the Bigs. Nelly was so excited to start of second grade with the adorable new outfit our dear friend Teresa took her shopping for last month. It's a very classy dress with a plain top and cats on the bottom. And, you know, tennis shoes. 'Cause we remembered to send her off clothes shopping but forgot she only has two pairs of shoes that fit currently.

Hammy is thrilled to be in kindergarten this year. His preschool was in the same building, so he's already comfortable with the environment. He even had lunch in the cafeteria today and handled it like a champ. He's ready to blow his teacher away with how well he's already reading and doing math problems. (Like how I snuck that "my kid is so smart" brag in there?)

Monday was the longest day in the world for the Littles because the Bigs started school and they still had to wait another day. But FINALLY Tuesday rolled around and these two took preschool by storm.

We are spoiled rotten because we're able to send Hawk and Deak to the same preschool Hammy went to last year. It's a district-wide developmental preschool. There are limited spots for "peer partners" who can demonstrate milestones and behaviors for others in the class. The program was so huge for Hammy last year -- he learned and grew so much. We're excited for what these two will accomplish thanks to this incredible opportunity.

Of course, we're also a little worried that Hawk here might scheme his way into some serious trouble.

And sweet Deakin here isn't entirely innocent himself.

But as long as they don't do any seriously elaborate scheming, it should be a great year for everyone.

Especially sweet Ace, who gets to spend most of his days getting shuffled around in the car seat performing half a million drop-offs and pick-ups. 'Tis the life.

FHE: September 7, 2014

The start of school was postponed for two weeks due to some unfinished construction projects in our district. The first extra week of summer was well received. The second felt slow and painful. So we were extra ready and super excited for school to start Monday.

Before the start of school, we had our annual Father's Blessings for Family Home Evening. Ben holds the office of an Elder in the Melchizedek Priesthood, and through which he can give blessings to those who are sick or in need of guidance. It's also appropriate, by virtue of being their father, to give a blessing to the kids at crossroads. The start of a new school year is one of those for our family.

Since Hawk and Deak were starting their first year of school, they were extra excited for their first school blessing.

Halfway through Deakin(above)'s blessing, Hawk climbed right up on the chair with him. Super cute, those two.

While it surprised me to open my eyes to see that, I was even more surprised to see what Hammy was up to in the background during Nelly's blessing. (I probably shouldn't have been surprised. He was being too quiet.)

We feel grateful to have access to priesthood blessings whenever we need them. At times when Ben has been unavailable, we've called on friends, neighbors, and church leaders to help out. Once a few weeks ago (I'll get around to blogging this story I'm sure) a set of missionaries dropped by our house just when one of the kids needed a blessing and Ben wasn't home. It's a great comfort.

Labor Day in Montana

We had our fourth annual trip to Hamilton, Montana to see family and stay in what we all refer to as "our cabin" even though it's a rental that we don't own and plenty of other people stay at throughout the year. As always, it was a great trip -- not too long of a drive, plenty of free time to just lounge with family members we don't often (or ever) get to see. The kids (minus Ace) were all old enough to remember the cabin from past years and to be super excited for it. And Ben was able to take time off to attend with us, which was great -- he's always come with us, but by taking time off it meant we got time with him after we came home as well instead of it eating all of his time off up.

We were determined to fit all the luggage for a family of seven in one suitcase. Success! The rolling technique works!

I will never understand why people enjoy puzzles, but apparently my kids get it. They were big "helpers" to Great Grandma Roy on several different puzzles that were set out throughout the weekend.

This was the first time anyone lit up the fire pit, leaving everyone to wonder why we didn't do it every year before. Everyone but me, that is. I was certain at least one child would wind up falling in the flames. I sent Ben out with the kids, figuring he would be the best one to have around if/when that happened.

By the way, you see Ben in the picture about? Really? Sure it's him? Or is that my cousin Chandler? They both had the same fresh shaved head and similar glasses. Made for a super awkward weekend, folks, whenever everyone kept mixing up my cousin and my husband.

In addition to the good times to be had at the cabin, we did more exploring around town than we've done in the past. Second only to Moscow, or perhaps in some areas even tied with Moscow, my favorite place is Hamilton, Montana. There's just so much to love about this town. Like this cute little park with huge bugs the kids could climb on.

Deakin approved.

Or the huge crest on the side of the fire department. Hammy in particular loved that.

Two of the four years we've gone to the cabin, we've been in town the weekend of the Ravali County Fair. The kids love it, because they know that means they get to go on at least one ride. In this case, I bought enough tickets for each kid to go on two. But after their first ride, the twins were done.

Not going to lie, that may forever be my absolutely favorite picture of all time. Those two.

But the next picture is definitely in the Top 10 rankings. These two. Great Grandpa Roy with what is currently his youngest great grandson Rutherford Roy.

I love my Grandpa. I always loved when he'd come visit, or when we'd go visit them. He'd always call us squirrels or punks. He talked like I imagine a 1920s gangster talked, though I base that on nothing and though he wasn't alive in the 1920s.

But he has been alive for quite a while. And he's been married to Grandma for most of that time. They celebrated a big anniversary during our trip, which as fun (even if the cake was carrot).

So there was time with the Great Grandparents. And there was time with my parents. It's always good to see them.

Grandpa Steve is always a kid favorite. He played catch with anyone who would play with him.

And he held the baby -- he always holds whatever baby is laying around (I think so he can get out of doing dishes).

We got to spend time with many of my Roy cousins -- all of the cousins from one family were there and one from another family. Oh, and my sister. One of my sisters was there.

My kids got to spend time with oodles and oodles of cousins.

And even with all the extended family and crowds, my little family got to spend some quality time together, just us.

I love my family -- the little units and the big whole of us. It is always so nice to get together. The annual cabin trips have been a huge blessing for us. It's nice that they're low key and no pressure -- come if you can, we'll see you next time if you can't. They're inexpensive (for us, at least). We've established some traditions, but it's unstructured enough that there's room to create new traditions. It's just nice. And we can't wait to go again next year.