Stellmon Quarterly Fall 2016

Grampa

Last Sunday (May 1), late in the night, my grandfather passed away. He was 86 years old and his health had been failing for a long time. His passing was not unexpected, and in many, many ways it was a great blessing and relief. But because of the wonderful man that he was and the incredible relationships he had cultivated with all of us in his family, his passing was difficult.

There's a lot I could say about Grampa -- what a hard worker he was, or a great gardner. His trees. His chinchillas. His coins. His genealogy. The way he'd always buy us Chicken Bones (a terrible candy I never liked and gobbled up just the same) from the upstairs candy counter at ZCMI every time they'd come to town. The way he'd put kittens down my Uncle Brian's shirt. The way he'd sniff out an exposed toe (pig) from a mile away and decry how foul it smelled. The way he called us birds and squirrels and talked just like a character from the 1920s.

But one memory has stood out for me above all others this last week. It's not a specific one-time memory, but rather a recurring event that played out exactly the same way over and over again.

When I was a student at the University of Idaho, Hamilton was the perfect halfway stop on my long drive home to Idaho Falls. I loved taking advantage of the "Roy Hotel" -- not only was it clean and cozy, but it always came with a good home-cooked meal.

I can't count how many nights I stayed over on my way to or from college, but each and every time I would stay, in the morning Grampa would load my things into my car, get into his own sedan and lead me to the gas station. Once there, despite my protests, he'd always top off my gas tank then take me into the store where he'd buy me a Salted Nut Roll and a soda -- normally a Mountain Dew, though sometimes I could get away with buying a cola instead. And then he'd slip me $20 -- telling me it was for the road and he'd never take no for an answer.

And then every time -- every single time -- as I drove away, he'd be there at the gas pump, holding his hand up in such a grandfatherly wave. I never made it more than 100 yards before I would erupt into sobs -- big, ugly cries that weren't exactly conducive to the 70 miles per hour I'd soon be driving.

I don't know what it was about those goodbyes that always got to me. Grampa's health was good back then, and normally I had plans to stop by again on my way back through in just a matter of days or weeks, so I wasn't afraid I wouldn't see him again. I think it was two things. First, I think I always missed Grampa immediately -- even though I was used to seeing him only a few times a year, whenever we were apart again I just missed him. And perhaps even more, I think during that period of my life when I was trying so hard to be an adult -- to be independent, to make my own choices, to move forward in life -- Grampa was there unchangingly, unyieldingly taking care of me. And I didn't begrudge him for it. Not one bit. I think that's why I cried -- because as much as I was growing up, as much as I was no longer a child, it made me feel so safe to know I would never outgrow the love and support of my Grampa.

That's why it was Grampa cornering me in the hallway of a Coeur d'Alene hotel the night before my wedding that set me off as well. Just him and me, standing in the hallway, and in his classic way he slipped me some money -- said it was for later and of course couldn't be compelled to take it back.

I didn't need money. Well, I mean, of course we did need money. But it wasn't about the money. It was Grampa's way of saying grown-up or not, married or not, I was still his little squirrel and he would always be there to take care of me.

I wasn't due to see Grampa again until late this summer, but just like every time I would see him waving in my rearview mirror as I pulled out onto Highway 93, I miss him so immediately. I am so happy for him to be free from this life and I am so grateful for the family members and loved ones who made his later years and his passing so comfortable. I feel so strongly that he is still and always will be there to take care of me.

Grampa Roy meeting Rutherford Roy in 2014.

With Grampa and cousins (and sister) in 2014.

I am so grateful for every experience I had with my grandfather. I feel so fortunate to have known, loved and been loved by him. And I cannot wait until our next meeting, when he'll no doubt top off my tank and help me on my way to my next destination.

Stellmon Quarterly Spring 2016

FHE: March 17, 2016

I'm at a bit of a loss as to why, but Hammy has been asking over and over again about who the first person to get killed was. I'm not sure if he had a Primary lesson that touched on it or what might have instigated it. But since it was his turn for the lesson, Ben and I decided that would be as good a story to share as any.

First, Ace had opening song. He chose (let's be honest, I chose it) "If You're Happy and You Know It." Since it was St. Patrick's Day, we substituted Lucky in for Happy. We're clever like that.

Ben shared the scripture.

Genesis 1:26-28
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that crept upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

With that background, Hammy joined me and I had him help share the story of Cain and Abel. We explained that God and Jesus created Adam and Eve and told them to have a family. And we talked about how two of the children they had were brothers named Cain and Abel. Cain was like a farmer and Abel was like a shepherd. God loved both of them, but Abel did the things Heavenly Father required of him and Cain did not. Cain was upset that God accepted Abel's offering and not his.

We put that in the context of how lately a some members of our family have been expecting to get the blessing for the work someone else did or because someone else was obedient.

Now, I fully expected that to sink in, maybe -- help the kids realize they all need to earn their own blessings and rewards. But instead, where they really perked up, was what happened next ...

"So Cain killed Abel ..."

Yeah, they perked up a lot more than I'm comfortable with during that part. So we explained why that definitely made things worse instead of better. Still, now I check on the boys more than once a night ... just to make sure ...

After the lesson, Deak was in charge of the treat, so he helped everyone pick out their own piece of See's candy, which miraculously we still have leftover from Christmas (thanks, Grandma Janes!) -- everyone was happy with their selection, though I was jealous that Hammy finally found the strawberry creme.

For activity, we moved to the play room for several rousing rounds of Musical Pillows. It's like Musical Chairs, but so much easier because pillows are much easier to move between rounds and way more fun to plop down on.

This lesson reminded me that it's been a while since we've told the scripture stories one at a time, so we may need to focus on those more.

Jade's Talk: Jan. 10, 2016

Ben and I had the opportunity to speak in our congregation at church in January. I spoke about New Year's Resolutions and Ben spoke about Sabbath Day worship, specifically utilizing our time at church. As part of our family history that this blog is, we're posting our talks here.

New Year’s Resolutions and goals in general can be hard because we go about it in a kind of ridiculous way. I’m going to take this thing – whatever it is – that obviously I’ve struggled with having the will power to do or not do, and I’m just going to will myself to be better at it.

I’m not discounting the need for us to be disciplined. But I think we set ourselves up for painful failure when we approach self-improvement and change that way.

Take us, for instance. For the last 10 years that we have been married, we’ve probably set the same New Year’s Resolutions 10 times.

But not anymore. Since having this speaking assignment, we’re ready to make some changes in how we make changes. I want to share with you some ideas in the hopes that they’ll be helpful to you as well.

The word “resolution” has two meanings. One is a firm decision to do or not do something. That’s the kind we normally think of this time of year. That’s the one where we say, “Well, I’ve never been very good at eating right, but by golly, now I’m going to start doing it.” That’s the willing ourselves to do something we’ve traditionally not had the willpower to do.

By the way, this is not a new problem. Paul wrote in Romans Chapter 7: “For that which I do I allow not, for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.”

The other meaning of the word resolution is the action of solving a problem, dispute or contentious matter. For example, world leaders are seeking a resolution to the conflict in the Middle East.

That’s the definition I’m switching to for my New Year’s resolutions – the act of solving problems.

Now, what does that switch look like? I’ll still take a step back and analyze my character flaws and imperfections – and believe me, the list is long so I’ll have plenty to choose from. But instead of resolving to do better, which feels pretty passive to me, I’m going to find a resolution – find why those things are a problem for me and take action to change.

It might seem like a subtle difference, but for me at least it’s really a quite different approach.

I’m going to go about that change in three ways.

The first way I’m going to approach my resolutions is by changing my environment.

At work over the last two years, we’ve been working on Lean principles – which is essentially analyzing our processes to minimize waste and maximize productivity. Through this process we find pretty simple things we can change that have huge impact. Here’s one example – we have bio-hazardous waste trash bags which are pretty expensive to dispose of. Then we have regular garbage, which is a lot cheaper to get rid of. We found that when we changed where the regular garbage cans were located – when we put them where they were actually needed – people put regular garbage in the bio-hazardous containers much less often so our bio-hazard bills went down.

Those same principles about simple changes in our environment can work in lots of other ways, too. I want to read my scriptures more regularly. What is it about my current environment that keeps me from reading my scriptures? Is it as simple as where I store them? They’re over there on my desk, but maybe if they were by the recliner I like to rock in every night, that might help? What if I stored the remote control on the television, making it harder to reach it, but keep the scriptures beside the couch?

Or maybe changing my environment means something a little different – changing my schedule so I wake up 5 minutes earlier and store my scriptures right by my bed, then I can reach for them and read first thing while I’m still cozy under my blankets Maybe it means waking up earlier and read scriptures while eating the sugary cereal that the kids don’t know is hidden at the top of the pantry. That could provide a little motivation to help me establish this good habit.

Sister Kendra Pickard gave an incredible lesson a few months ago in Relief Society, all based around a single question – What am I willing to do to feel the Spirit in my home? That really resonated with me. I recognized right away a lot of ways that the environment I had established in my home was impeding the presence of the Holy Ghost. I started that day to make simple changes and small sacrifices – not matters of willpower, but of action. I threw out that book. I deleted that show from my Netflix queue. I ate all that candy. But then I didn’t buy more. We rearranged the family room to make it easier to clean so we wouldn’t have as many battles (or in other words so I wouldn’t yell as much). These little changes have had tangible impact on the environment of our home. They haven’t solved all of our problems, but I can report that they definitely have been more effective than the years of me resolving the old way to just do better.

In the April 1981 General Conference, Ezra Taft Benson – then president of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles – gave a talk to fathers. I think he counsel applies to all of us. He said, “One great thing the Lord requires of each of us is to provide a home where a happy, positive influence for good exists. In future years the costliness of home furnishings or the number of bathrooms will not matter much, but what will matter significantly is whether our children felt love and acceptance in the home. It will greatly matter whether there was happiness and laughter, or bickering and contention.”

So, with the resolutions you have made, take stock of your environment. What can you change to help yourself be successful? And what are you willing to change to get the result you want?

The second way I’m going to approach my resolutions is to replace old habits with new ones.

In Colossians Chapter 3 it says, “See that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; and have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him.”

I have found in my life it has never been enough to stop doing bad things. I can stop doing bad things. But before long I find I’m either doing that bad thing again or another bad thing has replaced it.

I think our lives have this thing against voids – they just always get filled. If we don’t intentionally fill our voids with good things, then the natural man in us allows them to fill with less desirable things.

One thing I was able to do on my mission was help a lot of people with smoking cessation. We had a curriculum we shared with people, which acknowledged that you couldn’t just stop smoking – you had to recognize the times and circumstances when you normally would smoke and then replace the smoking with something else. That might be chewing gum or eating carrot sticks, but you have to have a plan and replace the smoking with something that’s better for you.

I have a goal to stop snacking late at night after the kids have gone to bed. I’ve found the only times I’m successful in this goal is when I fill a cup full of ice water and carry that around with me instead. By golly, my body wants to consume something at night, and if I don’t fill it with the thing that’s good for me – the water – somehow the Reese Peanut Butter Cups find their way in there.

By filling our life and our time with positive things, we can push out the less desirable things in our lives.

Ben’s work schedule is such that I spend a lot of evenings alone. I get the kids to bed and then while I’m getting the house put back together, I would carry around a tablet and watch shows. First of all, I found I was watching much more television than I really would like to admit. And second of all, it made the cleaning and chores slow going. I was distracted, not getting much done, and watching an awful lot of junk.

Back in September I had a strange thought that maybe I should listen to all of the General Conference talks that have been given in my lifetime. It really was an idea out of left field, but I decided to go for it.

And wouldn’t you know it, that fit in well with my desire to watch less television. I found that I could be much more productive with the chores around the house while listening to conference talks. I also got ready for work faster in the morning when I was using my phone to stream a conference talk instead of check Facebook. And I was more cheerful doing the dishes while listening to a talk instead of the evening news.

In the Book of Mormon, King Benjamin is a righteous leader who addresses his people with this great sermon about changing and being better. The people respond in Mosiah Chapter 5, saying, “Yea, we believe all the words which though hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.”

If we can fill our voids with positive things, we’ll allow the Holy Ghost more access to our homes and our hearts.  Being closer to the Holy Ghost will always bring us closer to Christ. That gives us access to the refiner’s fire, to the sanctification that comes through Christ.

The third way I’m going to approach my resolutions is to change my definition of success.

With the Conference talks, I started that back in September. While I’ve been pretty diligent in listening to talks pretty frequently, for some reason I thought I’d be further along by now than I am. I don’t think I realized when I started the project that it would take me a few years, at least, to listen to them all.

With unreasonable expectations, I was getting down on myself. But when I looked at it a different way, I could see the success. To date, I have listened to 80 conference talks that I probably never would have listened to without this challenge. Of those 80 conference talks, I’ve used quotes or thoughts or scriptures from them at least a dozen times in my Sunday School lessons, in Family Home Evenings, and in this talk. And at least a dozen times more, I’ve learned something that was helpful in my life and the current situations I find myself in. Maybe I haven’t listened to all the talks yet, and maybe I won’t for a really long time, but because I set a goal and at least started it, good things have come to me.

I have another example of a huge failure in the goals department. A few birthdays ago, I decided I was going to engage in what I called the Year of Mac and Cheese. The idea was that every Sunday I would make a different kind of macaroni and cheese for dinner. I would blog the results, pick a winner each month, then at the end of the year I was going to invite friends and family over to feast on the Top 12 recipes and we’d vote and crown one recipe the winner.

Well, that birthday party never happened. I did find a bunch of different recipes. And we did have mac and cheese every Sunday for several months. But somewhere in month four my entire family learned something – we learned that man cannot live on mac and cheese alone.

My goodness, were we tired of mac and cheese. I think we developed a little more compassion for those poor Israelites who ate manna for 40 years.

Looking at resolutions and goals the old way, I would chalk this up as a delicious-turned-nauseating failure. But in truth, there was a lot of great stuff that came from it. For one, we tried and fell in love with some new spices and ingredients we’d never previously used. I learned some new techniques for making sauces that I’ve implemented in other meals. And we did find some great recipes that we will eat again – some day, when the very sight of elbow macaroni doesn’t give us nightmares.

We will all set goals for our self-improvement and we will all fall short, maybe more often than we are successful. But we can’t view that as failing.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said in 2003, “Growth comes slowly – one step at a time. We understand this when it comes to mastering a musical instrument, becoming an accomplished athlete, or flying a jet aircraft. Yet, we often can scarcely forgive ourselves when we don’t make the progress we expect in all areas of our own lives. Great sculptors and artists spend countless hours perfecting their talents. They don’t pick up a chisel or a brush and palette, expecting immediate perfection. They understand that they will make many errors as they learn, but they start with the basics, the key fundamentals first. So it is with us.”

The last point I want to make is the why behind our resolutions. The beginning of a new year is a good opportunity to reflect on our lives and make changes to be more in line with the type of person we want to be. That actually has a different name than New Year’s Resolution. I’d say that also could be called Repentance.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said in his October 2003 General Conference address, “The gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to change. Repent is its most frequent message, and repenting means giving up all of our practices … that are contrary to the commandments of God. The purpose of the gospel is to transform common creatures into celestial citizens, and that requires change.”

Perhaps we can approach repentance a little differently and a little more practically. We can view it as a problem to be solved and make immediate and appropriate changes in our environment to help us be more successful, rather than depending on our already proven to be weak willpower. We can replace our sinful behavior with positive behaviors, like service, like self-improvement activities, like anything at all that helps us feel the Spirit. And we can view success a little differently. Instead of being so very aware of our shortcomings and failures, we can praise our Heavenly Father for the changes He has wrought in us. We can love ourselves for the work we have done, and we can love ourselves through the work we still need to do.

In Jeremiah Chapter 18, the Lord told Jeremiah, “ Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there will I cause thee to hear my words. Then I (being Jeremiah) went down to the potter’s house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it. Then the word of the Lord came to me saying, Oh house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? Saith the Lord. Behold, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel.”

We are flawed and imperfect. But if we are willing to take action, and if we allow the Lord to shape us, He can make us into a good vessel.

Ben's Talk: Jan. 10, 2016

Ben and I had the opportunity to speak in our congregation at church in January. I spoke about New Year's Resolutions and Ben spoke about Sabbath Day worship, specifically utilizing our time at church. As part of our family history that this blog is, we're posting our talks here.

Recently in the church, you may have notice a renewed focus on honoring the Sabbath Day and keeping it holy.  I want to talk to you today about how we can get the most out of our Sabbath day, and out of our three hours here. 

If you currently have, or have had, an infant, you have probably felt at least once as though your entire Sunday was spent trying to occupy your child or children and that you didn’t get much from your church meetings. I do not have any magical words of wisdom to help fix this issue. You’ll just have to wait until they’re older.

So how do we get the most out of our short time at church?

Before I attempt to answer that question I would like to share with you just a couple scriptures, to give us an idea of what we are supposed to be getting out of gathering together on the Sabbath day. The first scripture is Doctrine and Covenants 59:9-10,12

            9) And that thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspotted from the world,

            Thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my

            Holy day;

            10) For verily this is a day appointed unto you to rest from your labors, and

            To pay thy devotions unto the Most High;

            12) But remember that on this the Lords day, thou shalt offer thine oblations

            And thy sacraments unto the Most High, confessing thy sins unto thy brethren,

            And before the Lord.

So we have prayer, oblations, sacraments, and confessing sins.  The second scripture I’ll share is in Ephesians 4:11-13

11) And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers;

12) For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for edifying of the body

Of Christ.

13) Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God

Unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ:

So we have three hours a week to pray together, give our oblations, take the sacrament, confess our sins, minister, edify each other and perfect ourselves.  Three hours is simply not enough time if we do not prepare ourselves for this day, and yet, typically more time and effort goes into our meal preparation than our Sabbath day preparation (we make a weekly meal calendar).

Preparation brothers and sisters is what will make the difference in what we get out of our short time together each Sabbath day.

            In the Nov. 2000 Ensign, in an article by Dallin H. Oaks, he writes:

In contrast to the institutions of the world which teach us to know something, the gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to become something. The purpose of the gospel is to change us, to change not only our views and thoughts but also our actions and hearts. Perhaps for some of us, conversion may come in one dramatic moment in a Sunday school class, but for most of us, what happens at church is only one step on the long path of lifelong conversion. What we do before and after class may be just as important.

In the 17^th Chapter of 3^rd Nephi the Lord, after teaching the people, sends them home. He tells them to go and ponder and pray and prepare themselves for the next morning when he would teach again.

He gives them one night to prepare for that, to prepare to be taught by the savior of the world, again.  Can you imagine?  If you had been there, would you have gone home and gone to bed and not thought about it again until the morning?  No. I imagine all of us would have stayed up all night pondering and praying and preparing to hear the words of our Savior.  Now hearing from our teachers here may not be exactly like that, but the words are the words of Christ, and they deserve as much pondering and prayer and preparation.

Now I know I am not saying anything we have not all heard before and I’m not saying that preparing our hearts and minds for church each week is easy, I find plenty of ways to fill the hours in the week with things other than preparing for the Sabbath. But, when I have prepared myself to partake of the sacrament I find deeper meaning and greater joy in our sacrament meeting. When I have studied a Sunday school lesson ahead of time I have gain greater understanding of the gospel and my fathers will for me. Preparation makes a difference.

In preparing for this talk (do you see what I did there) I found an article by Sister Marriott of the Young Women’s General Presidency, one section of her talk really brought this topic home for me. She writes:

            When we commence each Sunday prepared and reverent, our depth of Sabbath understanding will be as spiritual food to all members of our family, faith in the Lord will grow in our homes as we bring our Sabbath day reverence into our living places. Just as at church, reverence for the divine in a home brings a spirit of truth and learning. Thoughtful preparation for and participation in the Lords day will surely make the Sabbath a delight at church and at home.

The hours between our church meetings this Sunday and our church meetings next Sunday will be filled with things we need to do, things we probably should do and things we want to do…and sleep hopefully.  Can we start with just one hour a week, can we resolve to cut out at least one hour of our time from things we want to do, to make room for one more thing we should be doing?  Just one less hour on Facebook, or Netflix, or if you’re like me one less hour on Pinterest. Can we dedicate that hour to preparing ourselves to be spiritually fed here each Sunday, dedicate just one hour to increasing faith in our homes. Just one more hour to preparing ourselves for the Sabbath day so when we find a t-rex on our doorstep Sunday morning it doesn’t totally throw us off. That is an inside joke.

If we can make just this small change I know will get more out of our short time together each week. I leave that with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

FHE: January 10, 2016

Due to some scheduling conflicts this week, Family Home Evening was moved to Sunday night.

First, Deakin lead us in the music. I tried to get him to choose "Keep the Commandments" because it went so well with the lesson, but he had already made up his mind we'd sing "I Love to See the Temple." Can't argue with that.

Ace was supposed to say the prayer, but he basically spent the entire Family Home Evening marching around (loudly) without pants on.

Hawk gave our scripture.

Mosiah 2:22
And behold, all that he requires of you is to keep his commandments, and he has promised you that if ye would keep his commandments ye should prosper in the land; and he doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep his commandments he doth bless you and prosper you.

Then Ham was in charge of the lesson. We watched a video from LDS.org called "The Sting of the Scorpion." It shared the story of a young boy growing up in the Arabian Peninsula who had learned from his parents to always wear shoes while out in the desert. However, due to laziness and a little bit of rebellion, he chose to wear flip flops instead one morning. When he felt the sting of the scorpion not long after, it caused searing pain to rise up his leg. His parents quickly responded and drove him the two hours to the nearest hospital.

Fortunately for this boy, the type of scorpion that stung him was not lethal except to the very small or the very sick. He received treatment right away and made a full recovery within 24 hours. However, he learned from this experience that in order to stay safe, he needed to listen to his parents.

The scorpion business was pretty intense of the kids -- it certainly got their attention. It may have captivated them a bit too much, since all discussion afterwards about how keeping the commandments of God keeps us safe kept dissolving back to discussion about whether we have scorpions here and if they hurt and why they're allowed to wear flip flops in our back yard -- does that mean we're terrible parents who don't love them enough to keep them safe from scorpions?

So the message may have been lost. But hopefully it didn't entirely and they'll remember that by listening to their parents, and even more importantly by listening to Heavenly Father, they can be protected.

For treat, we whipped out the special chocolates Grandma Janes sends us every year for Christmas. Piece selection is a very serious business around here. Sharing is technically frowned upon, but sometimes we pretend we don't see it so they can check out each other's flavors.

And then we rounded out the night with Wootopoly, a cheap knock-off of Monopoly.