7 weeks 1 day

It's been no secret that Josh and I have been trying to have another baby for nearly 6 months. Right before Thanksgiving, Josh and I found out we were going to be parents again... but I knew from that moment something was wrong. December 22, my thoughts and fears were confirmed. I was cramping and having some VERY light bleeding. Nothing to worry about I thought. Sat in the ultrasound room, waiting to see this tiny person on this very large tv screen & hear a heartbeat, but only heard silence. I heard nothing except the sounds coming from my own mouth. Cries of shock & disbelief. How do you prepare yourself for something you know will come, but is going to be so heartbreaking?

My regular doctor happened to be out of the office on this day, so I had to go through all my options with someone I had never met, let alone trusted. Josh sent my doctor a text message just to let him know what was going on with us. I know God had his hands on everything, but this day, even through my grief, I could feel His presence. Dr. Gebhart, my regular doctor, came to the surgery center & performed my procedure. He also reminded me that the God we serve is an awesome God. With my sweet Joshua by my side, and a doctor we both trusted performing my surgery I felt better, sort of.

So many emotions have flooded over me these last few days. I feel like this was something I did (I have been assured by many there was nothing I could have done, I feel like I failed in some way to protect this tiny life, I am angry with those who are pregnant, and embarrassed that we told all these people I was going to have another baby, and now we have to tell them I'm not. People ask me if I want to talk, but what's there to say? On Tuesday I was pregnant and on Wednesday I wasn't. I had morning sickness, my skin was breaking out like a teenager's, and I wanted jars and jars of pickles, not to mention the 3 pregnancy tests I took and the doctor confirmation. People don't want to hear that I lost the baby because that's so sad. What do you say? Do I grieve like I did over the loss of my grandmothers or do I just move on? Statistics show a woman that has miscarried has a 70% chance of having a healthy baby in her next pregnancy. Those are great odds, but I am afraid to try again to be honest.

I'll guess Josh and I will just have to pray about this, and lean on one another to make it through.

We unexpectedly call you... home

I never thought I would ever say this, let alone outloud to someone other than myself, but I'm going to miss living here in Meridian! There was a time, not so long ago though, when I wouldn't have said that. Moving here from a bigger city, like Birmingham, is and was a shock. Everybody seemed to have made friends, and for me, I felt like they weren't interested in making any new ones. Tough place to be when you're the new kid on the block. Josh and I hadn't really found a church home, and we surly hadn't found a place where we truly belonged. Then thanks to the power of prayer and my mother, God brought me a "neighbor." I don't understand how my mother came to know this person that knew a person, but long story short, a sweet family took Josh and me out for pizza one night.

Trey and Enley Long... what can I say about them? They invited us out for pizza with their family and another couple and then invited Josh and I to Sunday School and church. I hadn't been a part of a Sunday School class since youth, and I'm pretty sure Josh hadn't either. The Longs opened doors for Josh and I here. Doors of faith and belonging. They invited us into a world that seemed so very closed off to us. We made friends with people who cheered with us when we found out we were pregnant and those that cried with us when my Grannie died and later when Josh's Uncle John passed away. They prayed with us when Maddie Gray was in the hospital and loved us when we needed it.

Our house being for sale has not been as easy as I has envisioned, but I am waiting on the Lord patiently (and not so patiently at times) to move. It's difficult with him traveling and trying to keep a house clean with a 2 year old, but living here in Meridian Josh and I have had the opportunity to meet people that we probably never would have met. We have grown so much closer to each other and in our faith being here as well. I am certain that while times here have been painful, I will be sad to leave this little town I unexpectedly happen to call home.

Catching Up

So much has happened lately. Josh took a new job with ethicon, which a division of Johnson & Johnson. We are so excited! This job has also brought about a move for us, so our house is on the market. Really sad to be leaving our house, where we brought our baby home from the hospital, but super excited about moving back to Jackson for the time being! I am also working as a surgical assistant at Dr. Drummond's office. I love where I am in my job, but my feet HATE it! Being on my feet for 8 hours gets tough. I am in need of a pedicure right now!!!!

We also went to the beach at the beginning of June. Josh's whole family was there, minus Josh because he was gone to training with work. We got to see his cousins, and Maddie Gray got to meet hers for the first time! His cousin Lindsey is a wonderful photographer, so she took some really great pictures of Maddie Gray.

This is her silly face!

My sweet bee & her Mommy

My sweet little bee loves to blow bubbles! Too bad she ends up putting the bubble wand in her mouth & eating it!

Maddie Gray & Mommy left from the beach & flew (her first time, my last) to meet her Daddy and our friends the Frenchs in New Jersey! The flight there was terrible, she screamed & cried, so at the end of the flight when we were circling the airport for half an hour & were finally re-routed to Philly, PA, Mommy ended up crying. It was so not cool. The flight home, thank you bendryl was much better, but not something I wish to do again, alone that is, any time soon. We had a great time playing with "Aunt" Cindy and Andrew though. We went to the zoo and visited the campus of Princeton. She loved it, and I loved being with really good friends where there was lots of kid friendly things to do. It was sad to leave Josh and our friends but after being gone for 10 days, it was nice to be home and sleep in our own beds!

We are also getting ready for her 2nd birhtday! I cannot believe that she's nearly 2 years old! Time has gone by so fast. I feel like I blinked my eyes and she was a big girl. She is telling us what she wants, and what she doesn't want! She is also starting to go potty! I'm hoping we'll be out of diapers so soon, because they are so expensive. It seems like every time I turn around, she needs more!

I will do better about keeping everyone posted on things. I am hoping things will start slowing down some at work, but will start picking up with the house and hopefully we'll be spending Christmas in a new one! Please keep us in your prayers on that one!

Good Bye

I have to start this post by asking everyone to please scroll all the way to the end & play the song by Mercy Me. I think it is a beautiful song and is perfect for this post.

Nearly 2 weeks ago this Friday, Josh's Uncle John Davis was killed in Starkville. He would have been 51 next month. Uncle John did a lot for Josh and I while we were in school and continued to do a lot for us even after he and I left Starkville. Since part of Josh's territory is in Starkville & Columbus, Josh saw him on a regular basis. He was a man full of life and faith and those who knew Uncle John knew he always made everybody feel at ease and welcome.



Not only did Uncle John radiate the light of Christ everywhere he went, he managed to photograph it as well. Below are 2 pictures taken by Uncle John. The first one is the sun rising over a lake with his motorcycle there in the foreground.

This one is of the sun rising over the Mississippi State University campus. Uncle John would get up early and walk/run down main street waiving those he passed along the way. Starkville always seemed like such a little town with him in it, but now I think it will just seem a little bit more empy.

Last Year, Josh and I read a book in Sunday School called One Month to Live. In the book it talked about your dash. In your life you have 2 dates, the date you are born, and the date you leave this earth. What's in the middle is a dash, or your life. I am positive Uncle John lived an awesome dash. I am honored I was a small part of that.

Uncle John you will truly be missed.

Date Night & Maddie Gray Updates

Josh and I recently went out on a date! We got dressed up and went to the Junior Auxillary Ball in Meridian. We stayed up past our bedtime, but we truly had a great time. We haven't gotten dressed up like that since our honeymoon. Thanks Aunt Bam for babysitting!

Can I wear this dress all the time?

Maddie Gray's hair has gotten long enough to put into a ponytail, but she won't let me do it all the time! She has gotten so big and is so much fun. I can hardly believe she will be 17 months on Tuesday. Where has the time gone? We go back to see the orthopedic surgeon for her hip next Friday. I think he wants to take more x-rays and make sure everything is still healing well. I will be sure to update on that. Her new favorite body part is her bellybutton, and she keeps her finger in it all the time! She also likes to come up to Josh and I and stick her finger in ours and then laugh. She also likes to say, "No No" which I hate. She'll shake her head and tell me "No No." We can ask her, "What does a cow say?" and thanks to Aunt Bam (Amber), she says "Moo" When did she get to be such a big girl? She even looks like a little girl now. I could just watch her all day long if I thought she wouldn't notice me. She is completely facinating to me. Here are some updated pictures of her. Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I'll try to be better!!

Here is Maddie Gray & her daddy eating their favorite snack, popcorn! She loves to crawl in that chair with Josh.

This is the only attraction in Meridian, besides the Davis Family! It's the carousel horses. It goes a lot faster than I thought, but Josh thought she would enjoy it. He was so right, we had to drag her off of it! She loved it. Josh was the first to go around and then I had too. Then we ate popcorn! We had the best time!

Right before Christmas, Josh took me on a surprise trip to Charleston, South Carolina! It was so much fun, and my next post I will post pictures of that. We walked around this outdoor market and found a woman who made clothes and hats. Josh really liked the one she's got on in this picture, so her daddy bought it for her. She's so stinkin cute!!!!