I'm Not Super Mom, but Sometimes I Play One

I heard on the radio today that a woman in her mid thirties shot and killed her 4 children, ranging in age from 12-17 and then turned the gun on herself.  I was heart sick for this family, because no matter how dark things seem, they do get better.
I know as a woman who has worked outside the home and is now staying at home, being a mother is hard.  We as women tend to want people to think we have it all together.  House cleaned, hot meal every night, happy husband, happy children...sometimes though, we don't have it all together.  I've said it once, and I'll say it again.  My house isn't always clean, in fact, sometimes it's down right messy, my car stays a mess with old french fries in the seat, "presents" of dead flowers or weeds are left behind, spit up from Mac and the accidental spill can all be found there.  My diaper bag is also the most unorganized chaotic wreck ever!  Am I proud of this, no way!  Does it make me less of a mother or wife, absolutely not!  Is that hard for me to say out loud...you bet.  I want to look put together, so that people can't see sometimes I'm flailing.  I'm too proud to ask for help, because I want people to think I'm super mom.  I want people to think I can cook dinner, fold laundry, help Maddie Gray practice her handwriting all the while breastfeeding Mac.  "I've got it" are my famous last words, when really I don't got it.  For myself, I don't say anything, because what do you say?  Who do you say it to?  I don't want people to think I'm depressed, because I'm not.  I don't need pity either.  When did it become okay for me to not say I am overwhelmed at times?  When did we as a society become so set on doing things on our own without the help of others that if we ask we feel ashamed?  I wrestle with the Mommy Guilt of sending Maddie Gray to pre-school when I'm home with Mac.  I wrestle with wanting to stay at home if I don't get into nursing school.
I love my husband and children with my whole heart.  I love them fiercely and passionately, but sometimes feeling like I have to do everything for everyone does get to be too much.  I will no longer feel guilty for not making all of Mac's baby food.  I will not try to hide the fact that Mac at some point in his life was given formula to fill him up a little longer so I could sleep.  Sometimes, I don't play Barbies with Maddie Gray, because I just want to watch the news or some other boring adult program.  I will, from this day forward, no longer be afraid to say I need some "me" time or I need help.  Help isn't a bad thing, in fact, it's a blessing for all involved.  It gives me time away to be an adult and not have to wipe a behind or smell throw up only to realize that smell is coming from my hair!  It gives me the opportunity to be a better mother for my two precious gifts from God.  I will do my best to longer "lose my voice" when my true feelings are screaming to get out.

It's The Time of the Season

I was thinking tonight about things that are only in our lives for a season.  God puts people, things, and even places in our lives, sometimes just for a fleeting second.  Like Maddie Gray for example, when she was a baby, she loved her binky or paci or whatever you call it, but now that she's 3 1/2, she no longer needs it.  She does, however, still carry around a ratty old blanket, but I am sure that someday, she will outgrow that as well.  Both will be a season in her life.  Friends are like that too, I guess.  Josh and I have been through a deployment.  It was only a short one in hind sight, but it brought us to such a different place in our lives.  He and I lived in Meridian for a while.  I completely detested living there... in the beginning.  While I am happy where we are, closer to friends and family, I wouldn't trade those 5 years for anything.  The Lord placed some of the most wonderful people in our lives that we would never have crossed paths with otherwise.  There are also friends that are in our lives for but just a blink.  People who stood by you at your wedding as you took your vows, but now you are only "friends" with on Facebook. Those friends were only supposed to be in my life for a just a brief second, and I know I am who I am because of their friendship.  There are others, though, who I may not talk to everyday or even see regularly, but I know if I need them, they are right here for me.  It may not be here physically, but the phone works great when I need to vent or cry or laugh.  Funny the twists and turns life takes.  The people, the places, the plans I make...all different from what I thought in high school.
I never doubted a few things though, the love I have for Josh.  He has been with me during all of my steepest mountains and during my lowest valleys, and I can't imagine traveling through life without him.  I know the Lord placed him in my path to be my life partner, my helpmate.  I also never doubted the love of Christ though I may have strayed far from Him.  So thankful that the twists, turns, ups and downs I have had those two constants to lean on.  Of course my parents and sister are also constants.  My dad's health may change, my mom's focus may change from me to him, and my sister might even get married, but I know if I need them, they're right here with me and for me.  My address, my jeans size and even my hair color may change, but I am so thankful and blessed to those people who do decide to hang around!

Great News

First, let me say that my Daddy is doing so well!  He's up and moving!!!  He still has some trouble walking, but since he still has limited mobility in his right arm, he has to use his legs to get him around in his wheelchair while he's in Rehab.  His speech has also greatly improved.  My mom picked him up on Saturday and took him to her house.  I think he really enjoyed being back at home, but Mom said when she took him back, he was ready!  I told her she shouldn't be worried about him wanting to come home and stay home, she should worry more about his not wanting to come home!  He seems to really be improving, and I am so thankful.  He still has a ways to go, but to not even be a month out, he's doing amazing.  I know he's going to come back from this, stronger and better than ever.

Now, on the my other FABULOUS news!  I took Mac to see the GI doctor today, because we haven't been since he was about 3 months old.  I am happy, no thrilled, to announce that we have graduated from the office of Dr. Paul Parker!  We don't have to see him again unless we have problems!!!!!  I also get to start slowly adding things back into my diet.  Dr. Parker asked me what I missed the most, and I said cereal.  I told him I was really nervous about making that the first thing I added back I know it takes a month for the milk protein to get out of your system, so he said to try some peanut butter first and then try a some cheese because there's less of the protein in that.  If he didn't scream, then I could go back to my diet as usual!  I'm super excited, but I'm also a little afraid.  The last thing I want is to upset the apple cart by adding things back into my diet that I haven't had in month, but then on the flip side, cereal is such a comfort food for me.  I think what I may do is wait on the milk until he's 7 months.  I know all the complaining I have done about not getting to have it to hold out longer seems silly, but it's fear that's driving my madness now.  Plus, truth be told, I really don't miss it that much.  There are some great things to be said about eliminating things from your diet.  Some people do it during Lent, but I gave it all up in the beginning for my precious baby, but now, I think I will just continue on my journey until I think it's safe.  Now if I could just pass my Chem final tonight and find out about Nursing school all ready, I would be in excellent shape!