Is it really the End of the Year..................

This year has been so full of wonderful events and heart breaking ones too. I just wanted to share our family pictures for this year. I keep reminding myself that I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways and here are TWO of the most amazing ways...
Justin and Shayli:

~ Normal ~

Normal is having tears behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in you're family' life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentines day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party.....yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is feeling you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs and why didn't I? go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the t.v. on the minute I walk into the house, because the silencing is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity and then seeing the horror in someones eyes at how awful it sounds and yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days, and trying to find the balloon of flag that fits the occasion. Happy birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything to this loss, unless they too have lost a child NOTHING, even if your child is in the remotest part of the Earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as a "fetal demise or a product of conception" , when you know they were once someones loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone striken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands, and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God, "God may have done this because......" I love God. I know my baby is up in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this Earth is not appreciated and makes no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is avoiding McDonalds and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is asking God why he took you child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".



This "normal" is torture.

Pitching Fits ~ Temper Tantrums

I had to laugh when my religious advisor was talking to us about things that bother us that other people do. That there MAY BE the something they are doing is what we do and it bothers us about ourselves.
I had to laugh, I find this so very true. I try hard to step back and look at WHY this person's habits or reactions or what ever it is, bugs me. WHY dose it bother me that parents have a hard time with their children throwing tantrums, but we as adults can do it and ITS OK.. Or at least we are suppose to just roll with it.
My 3.5 year old, is at the point when she doesn't get her way for ANY REASON, she feels the needs to react. I on the other hand, tell her once and then leave it at that. Some may not like the way I handle it. They even think I give in. When in reality what I do is wait for the time to talk to the 3 yr old about why we can or cant, or should or shouldn't.. and so forth. Talking to her when she is calmed down and talk to her so she thinks its HER idea to put on her PJ's.. Whats wrong with that? Climbing into her tent and talking to her about it? I'm not giving IN, I'm just meeting her half way.
Why is it as adults we cant MEET HALF way. I have a very close friend that when they don't get their way for any reason they go into this fit of rage. Where they humph, and hum slam door or anything they can find, UNTIL they get their way..
So I ask, WHY is a 3 yr old who really doesn't KNOW any better get put in time out for doing the same thing they see an adult do??? I ask you is this fair?? I find that my little 3 yr old is a mirror of me. She dose things that she see's me do, or other adults she inter acts with..
If we as adults display bad behavior then why are we not put into time out?? I see this would be very useful and our children would learn from us that when we act poorly we pay for our actions.
All this has come about from some deep thinking. Losing our Son the 2nd Oct of this year has been very hard. So much harder then ever before. I see in so many ways that there are no more Tomorrows, only yesterdays. And this kills me. Part of me has died, and the other part of me would like to die too.. I know that some may never understand this, but I hurt, deeper then ever before. I had so much taken from me that day, only to have nothing put back in its place. So I am left with an empty soul.
I love my daughter and to be honest it is ONLY because of her I even get out of bed. Not even for my DH do I feel the need to get out of bed for. I'm tied of bad behavior from so many around me. My Daughter dose not under stand why Adults can act this way, but we are teaching her right from wrong get their way when they pitch a fit, why dose she get punished and not them too........ I ask this same question to myself every time I have to correct the act that is wrong. I tell her every time, I love you dearly, but I don't like the way you are acting... Someday she will understand.

Been a while?

Life has a way of running you ragged if you let it. I know that for me its been WOW, is about what sums it up.

Yesterday we Celebrated Lynli's 5th Angel Day - Birthday. It was a great day, one with the sun shining and it was HOT, just like the day she was born on and buried on too. I made cupcakes on Thursday night, the night before we left to go camping. and Saved them for Shayli and I to frost and decorate up at Her grave site.

Shayli loved it, she thought it was sooo cool to have PINK frosting, and with SPRINKLES even better. I think she ate half the sprinkles but then what are the for anyway but to eat. She was so funny. We took candles and lit one for her and sang her Happy Birthday. And for the first time in years I didn't cry or shed tears, I was happy remembering my Princess Lynli and all the wonderful things she has taught me and keeps teaching me through her life.

After we sang Lynli Happy Birthday we had to sing Jakob and Jeneh and then Shayli Happy Birthday and blow out the candle. We let Shayli blow out all the candles we knew that her Big Brother and Sisters where enjoying the ramblings of their 3 yr old sister and all her craziness that makes her up. I see so much of Jakob, Jeneh and Lynli in Shayli. She is all of them rapped in one little Ball of Fire. At times Justin and I wonder where she came from we are so blessed to have her.

On Friday as I was getting ready to leave I received the most amazing email with Pictures. I'll share them with you know:

I came across this site (http://www.aloharemembered.blogspot.com/) from Share and being a part of them. I emailed Emily the Angel Mom that runs this site and asked if I could have my Angels names done in the sand. I at first only did Jakob, Jeneh and Lynil's but she contacted me and told me she would love to do the rest of my Angels and if we had named them what where their names. I had only named the little Boy we lost at 14 wks in between Jakob, Jeneh and Lynli. So I also asked for his name done too. When people found out we lost 4 children with in 50 weeks, I enjoy watching their eye's roll into the back of their heads as the comprehend all that we have been through.

What a wonderful gift to be given at the beginning of a rough month of Angel days. I'm so grateful for my Angel days and getting to spend them with family.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYNLI.
I love you!

Mom

Has it been a while. Well, yes it has. ...

I am amazed every day that the Lord has blessed us with such an amazing child. She brings life to everything. From getting up in the morning to saying good night to her at night. Life is very different then it was 4 yrs ago.
As we approach Mother's Day weekend, I have to pause and remember what life was like 5 and 6 yrs ago. How life was very Innocent in so many ways.
After 2 years of trying to have a baby, we turned to do IVF, and where just waiting for the end of our two week wait, and that was Mother's Day weekend.
I remember the drive to St Marks Hospital to have the blood draw. Never in the few days prior had I ever thought about testing to see if our first round of IVF worked. I still think back to how "Innocent" I and we where...........
We waited and waited all day on Saturday for that phone call to tell us if we where going to have a baby or what our next steps would be. Then the call came, it was Michelle, my favorite Nurse at our RE's office. She had laughter in her voice as she told us that it worked and our due date would be Jan 17, 2004. I was thrilled and we where going to wait and tell our families for Mother's Day.
Our joy was even more added when we found out at 9 wks that we where having TWINS. I was kind of floored because all the ultra sounds before this had said ONE, but the one that day told us TWO, very live and living heart beats where beating away in side of me and I was nerves and excited all at once. Now Justin, he was just bunching off the ceiling and couldn't wait to shout it to the world.
Our joy and excitement was meant to be short lived, due to lots of complications, Jakob and Jeneh where born August 18, 2003, at 19.5 weeks into this world, silent.
My innocents was gone forever....
Then Mother's day week the next year, I didn't know what was wrong with me, I was really really grumpy and couldn't even stand to be around myself, little alone anyone else.
We had gone back in Dec 2003 to do IVF again, and it worked again, but we lost another little boy (son) at 14 wks due to PROM. At this point I wanted no more talk of having babies, talking about trying. I really just wanted to be DEAD!
But that week in May of 04 we found out that Miracles happen all the time, and most of the time we are NOT aware of it. We where pregnant again, with out the help of modern medican. We were shocked and thrilled and scared all at once. WE had no clue to how far along we where.
We got right in to our OB, (Jed, a God send and his staff are also sent from Heaven). He confirmed that we where in deed pregnant again and due Dec 2, 2004. Just into to move into the house we where building. I was 10 wks a long.
We where on cloud 9 and made copies of our ultra sound to give to our Mom's for Mother's Day. When they found out they where just as happy as we where....
Our innocents was gone but we where still exited, but that too was to be short lived. Lynli was born into this world August 3, 2004, at 23 wks. She was born alive but didn't make a sound. We were blessed to hold her for the few short minutes of her life. And then a week later burred her next to her brother, Jakob and sister, Jeneh, in the Mapleton Cemetery.. My heart is also burred there...
Each year for Mother's Day I think back to getting the news of being PG with my children, I cry over it, but I also rejoice over it too. I know that someday I will see and hold them again. Someday, but for now. WE have the most amazing little Princess of the Fields (witch is what Shayli means) to play with, watch grow, guide and teach and just enjoy life through her eyes.
I hope that everyone gets these moments to reflect and enjoy the good along with the painful and not so good. In all that we have been through to have a family, I am grateful for the lessons I have been taught by a Loving and Caring Father in Heaven that only wants the best for me and those I love.
What a wonderful world we live in and I'm so thankful that I'm here for the ride. So enjoy "The Princess of the Fields" picture. She is an amazing little girl. From her;
"Mommy we don't say that word."
"Shayli, what word are you talking about?"
"F***" (Daddy taught this to her, and he has sense gotten it out of his vocab, lol)
To..........
"Mommy, I want to go to Jakob, Jeneh and Lynli's grave and put flowers on them".
I know she really doesn't know who they are but it brings a smile to my heart to hear her say their names.
Yes the rain dose come, but the sun is not far behind..........

Saying Goodbye to our friend, Tinkerbell.

Can I say how hard this is, I have cried for the past 3 days now and the tears still come.

Saturday, Shayli and I went to do some running around. I got Shayli ready to leave and let her out into the garage to see the baby goats we are bottle feeding. I opened the garage door when I came out and Tink came over to say her "Hellos" and then took off.

I put Shayli into the car and started her DVD, and then went looking for Tink. I kept having this thought that I should move the car out of the garage, this came to me again and again. But I was to busy calling for Tinkerbell.

I called for her about 10 minutes or so and she never came. I heard the dogs behind our house barking and thought that maybe she was back there. So I got in the car to go and look for her.

I always pull out slowly of the garage due to the fact we have a small dog and we also have a Princess. Well I got a little ways out and I felt this bump, I knew that there was nothing in the driveway to run over, it was clean and KNEW that I had just ran over our Puppy. I got out of the car and FREAKED, I had ran over her..

She went very fast and never knew what hit her, but I feel so bad. Shayli keeps asking for Tinkerbell. Or where did Tink's bed go.

I called Justin the minute I did it and freaked out. I had to get her out from under the car and clean it up. I didn't want Shayli seeing this. I dry heaved and gaged the entire time. I just cant believe this.

Just the other night she alerted us to someone in the yard, she was such a good puppy, we are going to miss her very much.

Justin told Shayli that Tink is up in Heaven playing with Jakob, Jeneh and Lynli, that they needed a puppy to play with too and Tink went to play with them. Shayli seemed to be OK with it. Shayli sees me crying and says "Mommy why are sad?" And gives me ((Hugs))) and kisses. Such a cute little girl. She dose not like to see Mommy cry.

So last night we burred her out in the Chicken coop, where she loved to go and chase the chickens. Its where she loved to be.

Goodbye Tinkerbell, we love and miss you.

Where do they get it?

I have to say that I never get bored with Shayli's prayers and the things that come out of her mouth. She is an amazing young Lady and her ability to be a sponge is, well there is only one word for it and that is "WOW".
She sucks in EVERYTHING, from good to not so good. Right now we are dealing with our future 16 year old. (the teen years are really going to make Daddy go grey if he doesn't learn to build his bridge and get over it OR pick his battles.)
This is Justin and Shayli's conversation the other day while they where shopping.
Background, Shayli kept wandering off in the store, due to the fact that at the age of almost 3, she thinks she is to BIG to be riding in the carts, and Daddy kept telling her to stay with him. So the conversation went like this:

D: Shayli you need to stay with Daddy.
Shayli, No answer.
D: Shayli come over here right now.
Shayli, stands there with out saying anything, acting like she never heard a word.
D: Shayli if you don't stay with me, then I'll take you out to the truck and you can sit in there.
S: Fine... Fine. FINE!
and then she starts to wander off, again.
D: Shayli you need to come over here by Daddy.
S: FINE!
D: Shayli!
S: FINE, I'm coming. I'm coming. FINE!

Needless to say that Daddy was NOT happy with Shayli's tone and actions and I dont know what happened in the end, but I do have to say that when he told me about this, I was kind of shocked, because I had never seen this with Shayli, not my little Princess.
But I did get to see it later that night at bed time.
We started reading our nightly books and Shayli wanted to read more then the normal two that we read, and I told her that it was late and that if she wanted to read more then two before bed, she needed to start earlier. So the next thing I hear is:

"Fine, fine, FINE!"

Can I just tell you that is was all I could do NOT to laugh when I saw and heard this. She kept saying this and went across the room and sat down. And kept saying it. I think she said it like 20 times. I know I'm not suppose to laugh, but HOW do you not???
So last night, Daddy got tired of the "Fine" and Shayli got to do time out for saying it so much. I have to say at this point I have never heard "fine" said, until Daddy is around. When its just me and her, I never hear it, do you think there's something behind that? lol
But none the less, Daddy and Shayli "talked" about NOT saying that word and that Pretty little Princesses do not act that way. We'll see if it works. I am sure that, the "FINE" will raise its ugly head and Daddy and Shayli will be butting heads once again.
The one thing that baffles me about this "FINE" is that we don't say this. We don't, just like her bout with "Shut Up." We have had time outs due to saying this lately too, and I don't know what to say about it. OH and lets not forget that "Stupid" is also being said.
I just shake my head and TRY to talk to my very active 3 year old about not saying these kinds of words, that they hurt others.
I think the most effective way I have gotten through to her so far is to cry when she says "shut up" to me. And then I talk to her about why that hurts and why we shouldn't say that, but it is OK to say "Please be quite."
So if you hear the words "FINE, STUPID, or SHUT UP" come out of my mouth, I want you all to know I learned it from my Daughter.

I win the Bad Mommy award for today!

So we started a new Day Care Provider on Tue, Wed & Thru and so yesterday was Shayli's real first day due to her being with daddy all day at the action on Tuesday. While at the new Day Care Provider she pee’ed her paints and was put in her change of clothes. Then Cindi picked her up and she went to her house. I got off work late due to a fraud ring that I have been working that has just gotten out of control and also the fact that people DO NOT READ HISTORY, so I was really late picking her up. (Like 2 hours late)
So when I finally got there Shayli had had another accident and was in the tub with Cindi's Boys. I was cool with that, and when I took her home just put her in a pull-up and rapped my jacket around her. Cindi only lives like a block away so I didn’t put her in her car seat but on the front seat next to me. (Another bad Mommy moment)
When we got home I backed the car into the garage. I normally put the keys in my pocket but where I didn’t have any I put them in my purse on the seat next to Shayli.. As I came around the car, Shayli was trying to open the door but it wouldn’t all the way. So I pushed it back in and realized that she had LOCKED THE CAR! So I kept asking and showing her where she needed to push to unlock the door, but then found out that the safety system in our care you have to weigh over 50 pounds and be sitting on the seat to be able to unlock the car.. (Grrr.) And I didn’t find this out until AFTER I got her out.
So I kept asking her to push this button and that, but nothing worked. I then called Justin; because he had the only other key to the car and told him what had happened. he said he was leaving then... So I had to go to the bathroom really really bad and knew that she wasn’t getting out.
So I went in and did my thing, when I came out I couldn’t find her. I was looking all over in the car, and when I finally did see her, she was in the back of the car unwrapping the present for my sister from my dad.. lol. I got her to come up to the front and every time I asked her to come to one side she would go to the other.. (Little stink; she was having a ball in the car, messing around with the wipers, radio and such).
So I sat there and thought and thought about what I could do to get her out. THEN I got an IDEA!
I told Shayli to get in Mommy’s purse and get Mommy's keys. She was more then happy to do this. THEN she went over to the drivers side and tried to put the key in the ignition (stinker again, she’s has started the ATV a few times so we are now hiding keys from her). I told her no that she was NOT suppose to do that and when she saw that I was on the side she was on, she went back over to the other side. I then told her to push the buttons on the remote. She pushed buttons, but just not the one I wanted, she got the alarm on the car and then FINALLY she pushed the button that unlocked the driver’s side door and I had my hand on the handle and opened it fast..............

When I opened the door, Shayli was all like: "MOMMY YOU GOT IN!" lol.

So after about 20-25 minutes I finally got her out. And did I mention that she was ONLY IN A PULL UP the whole time.. Good thing it was a warm Jan day, lol.