Deke's 2nd Angel Day

I'm not sure what I want to write, so I'm just going to leave it at this;

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you."
~ Winnie the Pooh (A.A. Milne)

Happy Angel Day little man Deke,
I sure do miss you..

I Cannot Be

I Cannot Be

"I cannot be the candle
When darkness fills your room
I cannot be the rain
That makes your flowers bloom
I cannot be the wind
That blows your ship to shore
I cannot fight the battles
That you can fight no more
I cannot walk your path
When you would like to stray
But mine will be the hand
You hold along the way."


Reality is that we cannot take the pain from anyone who grieves the loss of a loved one and a child most definitely, it is somewhat conveyed in this poem, along with the offer to comfort and hold their hand. How often I have heard statements like "things will be OK" or “It’s God’s will” or “He’s in a better place” and my all time favorite, "God does not give us more then we can bare" these are just people’s attempts to encourage when someone is hurting. I however have found these statements offensive and hurtful, diminishing my pain and disregarding my hurt. Please consider your words carefully before you attempt to console a grieving Mom or Dad.

As I approach Deke’s 2nd Angel Day, I find my mind dwelling more on the days that lead up to his passing; The killing labor pains I had for 48 hours before I delivered, the Dr to this day that I cannot say her name without disgust and hate, that she would just dismiss me when everyone around knew and could see I was in labor, the fact that she lied to me about talking to my “REAL” Dr about my pregnancy that he was in the "loop" on everything that was going on. When in reality he didn’t even know I was pregnant.

I hold a lot of anger and hate for this Dr, thinking back to the times in 2 other pregnancies that she dismissed me when I had issues, like when I was leaking fluid with Shayli. I had again walked myself in to their office because I KNEW I was leaking, she tested me, and sent me home saying it was nothing. WRONG, I was leaking and Shayli was born the next day, less than 24 hours after I had been in her office. What a Quack!

I still have so much anger over losing Deke, parts of my life that were ripped from my life, without any say, just taken, and I have been left to deal with the aftermath..

Have You Ever Held Heaven?

Have You Ever Held Heaven?

Have you ever held heaven?
I have in my heart ever sense you left.
That day you where placed in my arms,
I knew that you where heaven sent.
~
I don’t know why Heaven called you home.
I thought my arms where your home?
But God has bigger plans for you,
I’ll understand them when Heaven calls me home.
~
Is there really a Heaven?
Somewhere, where there is no pain?
Will I ever find that place?
I thought I had and then God called you home.
~
Why is life so painful and unfair?
What did I do so wrong?
Someday I will understand,
Well at least that is what I am told.
~
Have you ever held Heaven?
I did one day in my arms.
And now in my heart you will ever be,
That is where you forever will be.

By Toni R Dursteler
Mommy of Jake, Jeneh, Lynli & Deke
I love you and will miss you forever.
07/31/2005

** I wrote this peom before we found out Shayli was on her way. I have sense added Deke's name to the bottom, because with him I also held heaven.

Life is hard and sucks

Life is hard and sucks some of the time. It’s an eternal truth, something we can relate to and can empathize with. I know for me at times I “assume” that others have it easy or that they do not seem to have very many problems, but I have to keep reminding myself, that we should never, ever think that someone has it easy, are that they are without problems, because really does anyone have to “all together?” We are all here to gain experience and learn, we all face adversity, struggles, heart-aches and the list goes on. I know that, I intellectually get it. But I have those days, and it seems like it is ALL THE TIME, when I look up to heaven, with fists clinched and yell something like, “WHAT THE CRAP, WHERE DID I WRONG YOU, God?”

I love the show “Fiddler on the Roof, and have days like Teyve-like and have conversations with God and wonder, as Joseph Smith did; “O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?” (D&C 121:1)

Days like these, and again I seem to have a lot of them, hopefully I can remember to flee into the scriptures and talk with God. I know it may be the last thing I want to do, but it is the first things that will bring peace to my soul.

When I find that my fists are clinched and yelling to the heavens at times; “Hey, remember me down here!” I find hope in this statement:

"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."
~ Jeffrey R. Holland

LIttle Boy's

I had the opportunity to hold the most amazing little boy in the wee hours of Sunday morning, my heart broke for the little family that he belongs to. They had come to L&D Saturday night ready to meet their little guy only to find out that he had passed.
So much sadness in the past 2 months, Utah Share has been very busy with many loses. Even last night at 10:30 there was another call that went out for yet another loss; that is 2 in less than 24 hours.

It seems many have joined this "sucky club" and I am so sad because of it. Many, many broken hearts, and its hard to dream when your world, life, heart, mind are in pieces.

The Anguish of Loss

I was sent this picture in a card when we lost Deke, by one of the most amazing women I know Chele, it is due to her work and amazing drive that Shayli is here today. She set up a website called "Abby-Loppers" and I found it after we lost Lynli. This site is for information for the TAC, or the formal name; Tans abdominal Cerclage, such an amazing discovery for women that suffer from IC (incomplete Cervixes).
For me this picture says’s it all, just the depth of hurt and sorrow, ANGUISH that comes with losing a child or children. I feel this way all the time, and most of all after losing Deke.
I write today because a friend of mine became a "2nd" time Angel mom this past week. Just breaks my heart when I hear of first time "Angel Mom's", but really why a Second time?? Tanya, texted early Monday on Labor Day morning that there was a Loss of a Share Mom, Brianna Weeks and if anyone could go. I said I would, so Tutt and I went. And I am so glad that we did.
There is such an amazing spirit when walking into the room of a family that has just become an "Angel Family" the feeling is sad, but the other side is just so close. It’s hard to put onto paper just how close the other side is at that time. I love to hold these little ones, little ones that are just too perfect for this world and have a calling on the other side to do, all they needed was their body. I love to hold them and whisper to them to tell my children "Hello" because they will be there to meet them.
The Spirit was so strong going into Brianna's room, there was so much love in there and it was not just from her Mom and Nate’s Dad that was there, the other side was welcoming this little Alex home.
I know how hard it’s going to be for Brianna, you feel like such a freak, well at least I did and still do, to have another loss. Sometimes there are just no answers as to why this happened, and sometimes there are answers, but for now we have to know that there are bigger reason's to why this madness has to happen and except that our Savior's love is what we have to lean on in our deepest darkest abyss, that there is light. I know that there is a plan, but at times, I don’t see that light, when we are walking that path, we don’t see that there is light, what we are doing however is holding on to the Lords hand for everything we are worth so that we do not ser-come and drown in our sorrow.
I believe in the scripture that states that our Savior has born it all for us, but I also know that we have to walk our path, because if we do not know of this sorrow, how can we truly be worth to live with our Father in Heaven and Lord Jesus Christ. We have to bear our trials the good and the bad, to be worthy to live in their presence again. How would you feel to live with someone that has sacrificed ALL for you and you have not had to do or sacrifice anything to be there, I know that for me I would feel as if I do not belong. But I do know that so far in this life I have walked a path to show that I do belong, that I have suffered, and that I still "press forward with a stead fastness in Christ......" Life is not easy, never has been, and never will be. One thing I have never talked about on here is the abuse I suffered growing up, the shame that even thinking about it brings on me now. I don’t understand why I'm still ashamed, but I am. I guess because it’s still a "taboo" of things that shouldn’t happen but does and (as my Aunt so rudely informed me when I came home from my mission) "We don’t talk about it, to ANYONE."
I suffered for years at the hand of my father being sexually abused. From my earliest recollection, I remember it starting at the age of 4, at the age of 11 (I can even remember the date, Feb 13, 1982, it was a Saturday) that my dad thought he got me pregnant. HOW can someone still remember the DATE, let alone what day of the week it was, but I do, a date that I will never forget. I will never forget it, so it will not happen to my daughter, if it does, there will be the death of that person to pay at my hands, and I promise that I'll get to that person before Justin will...) But for the most part the abuse went on until I left on my mission in June of 1991. I came forward, Nov 3, 1992, and it seems like that should have been the day to set me free, but in many ways it was like I signed my own death. I thought my life would change when I finally told, but it didn’t, but in many ways got worse.
You know I have thought a lot about the abuse I suffered and the loss of so many children, and I know that I would walk that path of abuse all over again if I didn’t have to walk the path of losing so many children. I feel like a freak because of the abuse and then ever more when I am asked how many children I have and I want to say, "living or dead, is it OK if I count my dead children because I do, maybe the worlds dose not or anyone in my family, but I do.."
This brings me to something that I don’t know how to do or face, Shayli has to fill out a paper for "Queen for the Day" for school, on there it states how many siblings do you have and then asks you to write their names and ages.. Do I put Jakob, Jeneh, Lynli and Deke's names on there and then put that they are dead or do I just leave it blank? I know that for me I would be lying and not a "good" lie if I forgot them or didnt put them on that paper, I don’t want her to forget them, I don’t want her to ever forget that they came first, well not Deke, but Jake, Jeneh and Lynli. If it were not for them and the sacrifice that they made to come first, she would not be here today. It’s like they sacrificed their life for her to come be with us..
Now that I have shed more of my soul then I do to anyone I had better leave it here for today. Nate and Brianna and Kurt and Heidi, I am so sorry you’re walking this awful journey of now being Parents of an Angel, it’s not fair and it SUCKS!

A few pictures of my favorite Princess

I found these saved to my computer at work and my heart just melts when I see them, I have to say that these are some of my favorite of Shayli, so hard to believe that she is 5 and in school.

4 months old

Christmas 2007, 22 months old

Father's Day 2007, 16 months old

5 weeks old, and should not have been born yet,
3 days after coming home from the NICU.