Friday, October 11, 2013

Purifier of Silver

The past little while I have thought a lot about this Scripture and a story that was sent me a long time ago, well not that long ago, but back just after I had buried my 3rd child, after losing my 4th baby with in 50 weeks.. This is the story I was sent: 
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."! She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it."



I have thought about how hot that fire has to get for the sliver to melt, that our Savior is there every minute, that he had to be over that hot intense heat, knowing what is going on with our soul, what events we are to face to make us 'pure', so that he can see his image in our countenance... I know for me that I'm not such the greatest at taking my lickings, that I complain and wonder "Where I had wrong God that he would send suck a horrible, heart wrenching trial my way. I do not think I am or could be like Job of old who praised God for all that he was handed. I do how ever find that I can look back on events and thank my Father in Heaven for giving me that trial, for I see that person he has been molding me in to be.
I see Mother's who are dealing with the lose of their child, I watch how they search their soul trying to figure out what they did to bring such a test and trail upon themselves and their family. Why they have to walk this dark path. I remember those days, I remember asking those same questions. I remember when just one thing would go wrong, like a flat tire or just spilling a glass of milk, how just those little things would make me fill like I was left alone.. But after reading and studying more of just what it takes to be a Silversmith, I know that I have never walked alone... And for today, I am Thankful to my loving and kind Father, that he blessed me with this journey, because I am better for it, and I have amazing children and I would never trade that.

Friday, September 27, 2013

When vs. Never........

When am I going to put all this grief behind me and move on to live the life I have? To appreciate what I have and not think about what I don't?

I ask myself the above questions all the time. I run lead at support meetings for grieving parents and I think that I should be able to tell my "story" without a tear, but I never can, never. I try, but I can't. I feel like a failure at times because of this. But I understand that this shows part of me that still carries that deep heart wrenching pain of saying "hello" and "goodbye" to my children way before I was ever ready. So my "When's vs. Never's".......

When am I going to stop trying to incorporate you into my life (and then feel frustrated and guilty when I can't find the right way)?

When am I going to stop hating this place because it's where the nightmare of losing you happened?

When am I going to stop crying at songs with lyrics that make me think of you?
When am I going to stop feeling the hole in my heart were my daughter's  and son's were supposed to go?
When am I going to stop feeling "I want what you have," when I see a pregnant woman?
When am I going to stop resenting families who have one boy and one girl, or even more then just one child?
When am I going to stop trying to get others to understand?

These are the questions in my mind.

The answer is my heart is....never.

I'm never going to stop trying to incorporate you into my life.
I'm never going to stop resenting this place.
I'm never going to stop crying at song lyrics.
I'm never going to fill the hole in my heart.
I'm never going to stop feeling envy when I see a pregnant woman.
I'm never going to stop wanting what I tried for years to create.
I'm never going to stop trying to get others to understand.

I will never stop missing you. I will never stop loving you. I will never again be the person I was before each of you came into my life. I'm so grateful for that. I'm grateful for you.

I love you, miss you and I thank God that he blessed me with you.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Sometimes the things we can't change end up changing us.

I'm a preemie mom, but not all of my preemies have made it home only 1 out of 6. I know this poem all to well, my only preemie that I was blessed enough to bring home is now 7, she was born at 32 weeks to the date and spent 5 weeks in the NICU. This is for you Shayli. Love you more then you will ever ever know or understand.



Preemie Mom's Oath

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have sat in the NICU and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at my surviving miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to an alarm going off, another round of meds or because I am crying tears for fear of the unknown.
I will be happy because my baby is alive and crying out for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a preemie with physical challenges or medical issues, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.