Mayb i juz keep causing more trouble than fixing it.my every decision is made on what i think is best, but always end up getting me in some other kind of problem. Sometimes even, i couldn't identify what my problem is. It's not just me tryin to hide it. When the moment comes, it just happens. Breakdown... For no reason i could explain. I wish i could. I could only think of Allah, i hope He helps me. I hope i could understand and fix it. I hope i could make my dad understand instead of him making remarks than i've such a bad attitude of not wanting to change. I hope people wont make quick judgment on my decisions... Decision dat i had a hard time making without feeling bad. Things dat i cannot easily explain for them to at least not condemn me at. I try to make decisions with the best outcome, not simply for my own benefit. I can make my own decisions right? Mayb they aren't always what people think are good,but i think i've a choice,as long (hopefully) nobody's hurt in the process..

a weird game hardcore 29.11.07

civilization, is the game i'd never stop playing. guess i just like strategy stuff... and i know how other people who hear me playing this game with such a "deep interest" find it rather weird - they find it boring. hehehe... well that's never new for me. i dont know why for sure, but i simply love this game. i may get annoyed at it many times coz i keep losing in the game when i tried to play it in a more difficult level than the easiest level - even the easiest level is hard to win at. i seem to lose pretty much the same way everytime... yet i keep playing this game. the initial desire to play for like 20 minutes into the game could turn to be an all-niter for me, and my family at home & yan, my housemate in intec, all have been used to this.. sorta a bad habit, i'd say.

it started out probably few years ago when i found a game called colonization, which is a game created by the same person who made civilization - that was made back in the 90's. i dont remember how i found the game, but i just thought i'd give it a shot. i became a leader of a nation, who went off shore to explore new lands to colonize. in the new land, i'd make my own cities, build new buildings, find new resources and convert to commodities to sell and so make profits to build more cities and so on. then there's the need to build my own army to defend my cities, or else locals nearby might come and attack coz they really dont like us there (colonizers, after all ) or maybe it'd be those from other nation that come and attack our cities to colonize it as their own for their own benefit to widen and strengthen their empire. to avoid this, once i've met leaders from other nations, i must build strong friendship with them, or they'd grow suspicious of me and in time, destroy me. in a short time, i found myself addicted to it...

civilization is pretty similar. in fact, sorta better. i never tried I or II, when i found civilization after colonization, i tried civilization III. civIII (its short name) had better graphics than colonization - obviously, since it's newer. i can choose to be any leader from US (abraham lincoln), india(gandhi) or any other from aztecs, babylon, england, france, german, greece, china, japan and many more. i could build wonders of the world like pyramids, hanging gardens, great wall of china and colossus. after building this, culture of my empire would grow, and my area would become wider... of course there are always intruders from other nations. they'd trespass my area on their own but would get deeply upset if my army pass by their area, afraid i'll go over and attack their cities. or, much to my dismay, their army would attack my cities coz i didnt have enough army to guard it - they'd throw words at me, thinking i had a weak empire. they'd demand gold, commodity etc to end the war with them. to build an army, i'd need gold... gold is needed for many other causes, like creating workers to build roads, creating settlers to build more cities, building universities to provide education to people in my cities etc... usually i never focused on army bulding. but cool tho, there are many units of army that i can create, such type like ancient warriors or archers from back in the stone age till an airplane bomber or a jetplane shooter or a warship in the modern age. if i attack a city of another empire and won, i'd take control over the city, and widen my empire, get more gold, and more commodity. usually if my empire is doing good too fast in the game, i'd lose quite soon afterwards - other nations easily get envious and attack my empire. damn it annoys me everytime i lose in a war... all the hard work building an empire vanished just coz i had a weak army.
strange thing is, as time passes, the leaders of the nations just never seem to get old to die, from the stone age till the modern days - unless if they die in a war.
civIV has better graphics, more leaders to choose from... havent played that in a while. it causes crash in my old laptop coz of the limited hard disk space left...
therefore i am going to buy an external hard disk, soon. haha... i havent even fixed my phone yet...

but i'd probably buy a new phone, and keep using that, since my phone now is pretty much... close to its last breath already. hehe... we'll see... i'm no rich person... but i really love my laptop.. hard to live without it! and i havent seen it in 10 days now! i miss ya so much!

we'll see each other soon!! =)

today... 27.11.07

here it is. these days have been spent basically on nothing much but sleeping and playing sims 2. hehe.... and today, 27th nov '07... is ausmat's grand dinner.
well yan sure has that frustrated look on her face when i, again and again, tell her that i wont go.damn... it sure hasnt been easy for me either.
some people have been assuming reasons for my decision - which is coz he's not going. even if i tell them the real reason wasnt that... it seems like no one really trusts me. who trusts me now?
it's hard, i know, since i havent explained the real reason yet. but to do so could be more difficult... i could take a lifetime to explain it to to others yet it's hard to make anyone see it the way i do.
and life hasnt been made simpler when my phone is pretty much about to be screwd up totally. its microphone was damaged about 2 weeks ago and i still havent sent it in for repairs. other people have difficulties to talk to me... i can only hear people talk over the phone, i couldnt respond back for them to hear me. the first time i realised this was when my dad called and i yelled out HELLO so many times but he kept muttering over the phone of why no one said anything although the phone was already picked up. and... as usual, this phone keeps showing me the "insert sim card" msg even though, obviously, the simcard is already in there - no matter how many times i tried taking out the battery and try to meddle with the simcard, the same msg appears... ever so often, it is annoying. also... this phone also occasionally has no signal... even though i'm obviously in a good-signal area.
all tells me that i need to get a new phone...

now i sure hope i can open myself up... and tell someone how i feel. although this is one of the most diffucult things ever... since my whole life, i have been doing nothing but keeping everything to myself, avoiding people and ignoring my problems...
this is a necessity.
yet i don't know how to do it...

respond... 19.11.07

these days i felt like going back to square 1... going thru the root of my problem. coz i wish i could explain to people, to the simple why questions that for me, just have a very complicated, looong answer that only i understand.
well i really dislike it when people ask things regarding problems and we tell them and they're like... oh biaselah tuu...
in some cases anyway, serious things. there were things that were so bothersome to me up to a point where i'd blow up or erupt like a volcano or simply having a thunderstorm deep in my heart (lol), then when ya finally felt like opening up to somebody...
they act like they know everything. they think they know the feeling...
or they know the reason...
or that they understand the situation...
but they could be wrong.
things they say could be right.
but probably things i'd expect from anyone who'd give advice..
advice that no longer has any effect on a rebellious mind.
in the end, maybe, just maybe, ya'd even end up thinking.. why even tell all of that stuff in the first place?

not that you can do anything about it anyway, since everyone's different in their own ways so they have different thoughts and reactions to things. what's amusing to me might be a very serious problem to another person - so what turns out to be a simple joke could lead to a huge war between me and other people without me having the intention to hurt anyone's feelings in the first place. but this isnt something that everyone would understand.

for that, i've worried myself too much. i wanna care for my friends. then i'd rather keep quiet than hurt anyone. if anyone would talk to me about anything, i'd listen - just like how i'd like another person listening to what i say. no need to judge anything, no comment needed, just listen.
but then it could be big time annoying too.

i remember in NS matrix college last year. out of 3, my 2 roommates told me many times about my expressionless face. it was like...when they told me things, they said i had no feelings @ response bout it at all. the day i wanted to walk out of college, they told me they bought some present for me but left it (forgot to bring it - left at kampung of 1 of those 2 girls when they both went there during the weekend), they said sorry. at that, even, i was surprised they bought anything for me. in the end the only response i gave was... takpe... with a face that didnt exactly show disappointment. so then they stressed it out to each other with an i-told-ya sentence = "if takde perasaan"... even so... i just smiled at them. it was an expression i had heard ever so often about me having no expression on my face... so used to it, i pretended like it was nothing. but eventually i realized... it wasnt really me. having same, chill face to different things being told to me? i got tired of it. somehow, it made me look too serious, as someone told me b4. altho the earlier intention was to become a friend that can be trusted and wouldnt hurt others' feelings... which would be the kind of friends i'd like to have. after all.. you get what you give. but what i was doing... could be more to pretending. being silent doesnt mean you're the most trustworthy friend in the world...

just let my friend know that i'm willing to listen, that's all. coz sometimes i prefer a listener, not a counsellor. even if the listener knows nothing bout what i really feel, at least the listener is still there, existing as a friend, willing to listen all i have to say, instead of playing games or sleeping that seem more beneficial to them.

besides, for me, it's actually annoying to be called "muke takde prasaan". it made people unable to tell if i'm sad, happy etc... it's bad, if a person gets awfully angry but people think he doesnt mind and they just dont seem to care... get the point..


then we can never be too quiet...

blogging here again! 17.11.07

friendster has been slow... and its blog got disadvantages, so i'm switcing to this one.
this blog has existed for over 1.5 years now, i've ignored it for a while.
so from now on, i'm going back to it.
later! =)