there can be 2 ways to look at our situation now, if you're in any way in a similar situation as mine. we are either looking at the
-ve side:
frustation after all the while, tired, sad, pathetical, used up government's money - tried living in intec, spent 1.5 years going thru ausmat - hectic, busy, depressing, stressful, complicated, some think we made it when actually we didn't, hav to look for alternatives now, no more living thru the same aussie dream, family disappointment, suicide, running away, giving up
+ve side:
gained knowledge.. it all came from Allah, got experience, dealt with one of the deepest pain in life - something to remember, met new people, had great friends - laughed, had fun, shared interests, went thru ups & downs, knowing people who changed our life, those who helped us out - i know i won't ever forget, knowing different ppl and help each other - share out lives together, knowing shah alam, knowing intec - n its weirdness, going thru ausmat - hectic, crazy, baka, hilarious, outrageous, fun, unique, hav other chances out there - aussie's probably not the best place to be!, another of Allah's test - He loves us all!!
as Madam Gouri once told me, "You always have a choice, my dear. Always."
choose who we wanna be. =')
now... 22.12.07
what;s been up? 16.12.07
reading - paper, chicken soup, etc
writing
checking email
doing friendster & facebook
online with ym
lazying around
scolded - stil bad at cooking, =P
surfing net
looking around
listening to music
find new music - japanese (l'arc en ciel is awesome), indo (hujan is cool, apparently) etc
downloading
gaming
blog
checking out berlitz japanese audio
go thru berlitz essential
practise it out
tv
sleep
pondering
wondering
plan to buy new phone - old one = damaged & stil is
helping for sis aqiey's wedding
waiting for exam results
hoping, praying
creeping myself out
everybody, wish you all good luck - best of luck! - and hope we all get the best and fly together!
days go on 07 13.12.07
today was a crowd like it never had been b4. a disabled man in his thirties was often glancing at me, i wasnt sure why. he kept shaking his feet while seated on the chairs there in the clinic, hentak kaki most of the time - the other man he was with had to tell him to stop it, but he said he couldnt, as he was hungry. while waiting for his turn to be called, he seemed eager to eat, to leave, but couldnt do that if the other man wouldnt accompany him.
2 policemen entered the clinic about 9am, with 1 of them had a guy in purple clothes handcuffed to his wrist. dis caught attention of a lot of other people there. my dad on the other hand, kept reading the newspaper. a boy sitting in front of him turned to the back to sorta join him reading it - he kept muttering things to himself. his mother scolded him later, but he seemed uncontrollable. my dad allowed him, so it didnt matter.
the lady at the front recognized me, the uitm student. i know, i could be the only 1 still a student there. the other lady, an older one, checked my blood pressure later on, asking me bout my studies. she was actually having a conversation with me, something i didnt expect she'd ever do - she had a loud voice, always looked rather fierce, and that moment was the 1st time i'd seen her smile, out of the many times i had been there b4. the "senyumlah" campaign may be worked out after all, i thought it was a simple banner put on the walls there - since the situation there was always kinda serious, stern, it was hard to see happiness. certainly we werent happy people as we all had to wait hours b4 we were called out. even unhappier, if some were being (sorta) scolded as they dont follow orders - but cant it be understandable that these are the type of people who r hard to control?
and there was a little girl. she made me amused the entire morning, singing "way way, go away, go again go other day" many times, being heard to the entire clinic - her dad, maybe, told her to stop several times. probably it made me think how the crowd there was so big that some people may think they'd better go another day.
i saw an old man in his seventies on a wheelchair. the nurses were talking to each other, they were with him, they were asking, wondering, where the man's son/daughter had gone to, as 1 of the nurses said the son/daughter was there b4. the man looked helpless, not able to answer well when being asked. somehw it just made me wonder, a lil curiosity, a worry, where did his son/daughter go? why leave him there?
and i'd have 1 last appointment, maybe, in january. the doc said she'd write me a letter if i needed it to go to australia - as expected anyway. further assessment in australia is good, she said. by seeing my condition, she said i need not alprazolam anymore, being addictive as that stuff was, few doctors would recommend it anyway. dat leaves me, with my white stuff.
writing all these, i dont wanna forget the condition of being here. there are many other people with different illnesses who are here, just like me. if taking medicine hadnt been so difficult, if deaths and sadness dont occur so often, i wouldve wanted to be a doctor... maybe. taking care of people in need and helping them, just to live a life again. give them hope. make them happy in such a gloomy place (hospital). make them feel ok even at times they were at their worst, even if in reality they had lil hope left. such places make me feel sad sometimes, they often teach me a lot. that's how it is, and more that i never know, life at the hospital.
days go on 06 8.12.07
whew. outside of my home, i fall asleep fast. less than 2 minutes in average. at home, there is no chance to fall asleep. well, i never really give myself that chance. in a way, it's really bad for my health. time all gets jumbled up and it makes ya tired. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. =)
well then lots of things have happened since the past 1 week, too dramatic for me to adjust to myself. obviously, i've showed just how emotional i could be, and that's really the truth of what i am. but indeed i still love being a happy person. not giving people a smile even on my worst days would really ruin my life even more. that's basically my nature, even though in a way that's not good at all as i'm hiding what i may feel deep inside. at the end of the day though, i still feel good about it, coz i managed to make no one worry about me, that makes me feel good enough =D
i hope i was never the kind of person who thinks too much. a complicated mindset that grew within me as i grow up, living the kind of life i've been having. but everyone's been destined to be somebody, believe in your fate. there is a reason for everything even though sometimes certain things are hard to comprehend. really though, the way i've been thinking has probably set me apart from my life with others. it made me keep away from things that i could really want, out of fear for things related to myself, the past and the people around me. imagine being afraid of snakes as your greatest fear... except for me, it ain't snakes but people. being afraid of them, you chase them away. hmm.. this could be a wrong way to describe my situation, but hehe, well, sort of something like that... chasing away what i fear, thinking it was the best decision. the difference is, what i'm chasing away is maybe what i needed in my life exactly... then to find that i regretted the decision, wishing i could turn back time.
but turning back time means i have to re-sit ssabsa exams.. LOL.. ok getting ridiculous here again. maybe i won't chase them away anymore. i'd welcome them in my life... but maybe not to a point of having a special someone anymore. friends are all great people actually! and they're all special in my life! if only i'm better at showing that feeling off to them.. hehe =')
right now kinda waiting for results of ssabsa to come out. somehow no one is liking their holiday.. that includes me. this is already december... 2007. the weirdest, most complicated year of my life. there are people i'll never forget whom i knew this year, happenings i'll keep forever in my heart and memories i'll cherish forever...
the moment is almost here, which is scaring me out bad. the outcome is unpredictable, yet i hope for the best. i hope God help us all, i really do.
only God knows..
-- check out romantic love song from 80's, i guess, rick price's heaven knows :)
days go on 05 6.12.07
i know i could one day look at dis and laugh!
ganbatte minna!!
owh and i already installed some games in the new hard disk.. wow its really a miracle to have 120gig! it felt like a heavenly computer world.. no need to worry about space saving or getting warning messages "Your space in C is running low"
after all, my laptop had disk space of barely 35gig.. sad, i know =( but to buy a new hard disk is now a happy happy thing! =)
to falihin, thanks for your personal reference for flinders. i really laughed when i read the part where u said "she would never ever postpone her work"... hahaha.. honestly, i ALWAYS postpone my work, i get scolded for it everytime at home... huhu.. but yeay it's a positive thing to write in the ref, hopefully i can actually make it come true...
the new headphone works great.. but i found out the real problem is with my mp3 player.. i could only hear it from the right side now ..waa.. music is part of life and i need it to both my ears!
i could conclude it here that i am someone who really cant take care of her stuff much. my phone, my mp3 player, my old headphones... my old headphones look like they were chewed off my mice or something, its torn apart so bad i used safety pins to fix it..and ants actually went INTO this headphone, maybe to make a new nest, TWICE.. huuhh.. i remember my roommate back in mrsm said to me, i'm mama tikus... not that i breed mice, but there were a few situations where i actually made the ants had a place to stay... in other words, aku bela semut.. duhh..terrible girl
well then, need some fix for that...
hey, i wanna begin my japanese lessons! gotta make my schedule!
by the way, since i get bored a lot, i've been writing a story. check it out
http://ifyaniwritings.blogspot.com
comments are most welcome =D
hold on 5.12.07
worrying, the previous post. shikata nai..
at least today i got myself a new hard disk, and a new headphone..
ya Allah..
You're the only one i could hold on to now..
"Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa
mereka dibiarkan saja
mengatakan; "Kami telah beriman,"
sedangk an mereka tidak diuji? Dan
sesungguhnya kami telah menguji org2
yg sebelum mereka, maka
sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui org2 yg
benar dan sesungguhnya Dia
mengetahui org2 yg dusta."
-Sura h Al-Ankabut ayat 2-3
KENAPA AKU TAK DAPAT APA YG AKU IDAM-
IDAMKAN?
"Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu
padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan
boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu,
padahal ia amat buruk bagimu,
Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak
mengetahui. "
-Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 216
KENAPA SUSAH SANGAT UJIAN INI?
"Allah tidak membebani seseorang itu
melainkan sesuai dengan
kesanggupa nnya. "
-Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 286
RASA FRUST? TENSION? LEMAH SEMANGAT?
"Jg nlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan
jgnlah pula kamu bersedih hati,
padahal kamulah org2 yg paling tinggi
darjatnya, jika kamu org2 yg
beriman."
<>- Surah Al-Imran ayat 139
BAGAIMANA HARUS AKU MENGHADAPINYA?
"Wahai orang-orang yang beriman!
Bersabar lah kamu (menghadapi segala
kesukaran dalam mengerjakan perkara-
perkara yang berkebajikan) , dan
kuatkanlah kesabaran kamu lebih
daripada kesabaran musuh, di medan
perjuangan) , dan bersedialah (dengan
kekuatan pertahanan di daerah-
daerah sempadan) serta bertaqwalah
kamu kepada Allah supaya, kamu
berjaya (mencapai kemenangan). "
-Surah Al-Imran ayat 200
"Dan mintalah pertolongan (kepada
Allah) dengan jalan sabar dan
mengerjakan sembahyang; dan
sesungguhnya sembahyang itu amatlah
berat
kecuali kepada orang-orang yang
khusyuk"
-Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 45
APA YANG AKU DAPAT DRPD SEMUA INI?
"Sesungg uhnya Allah telah membeli dr
org2 mu'min, diri, harta mereka
dengan memberikan syurga utk
mereka... ..
-Surah At-Taubah ayat 111
KEPADA SIAPA AKU BERHARAP?
"Cu kuplah Allah bagiku, tidak ada
Tuhan selain drNya. Hanya kepadaNya
aku bertawakkal. "
-Surah At-Taubah ayat 129
ARGHHH AKU TAK TAHAN!!! AKU DAH BOSAN!!
"... .. dan jgnlah kamu berputus asa
dr rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya
tiad a berputus asa dr rahmat Allah
melainkan kaum yg kafir."
days go on 04
today.. it got to me again..
and i realise..
stupidity..
nothing..
i have never felt so stupid before..
everything i did.. stupid..
everything i felt.. stupid..
now.. me..
almost everything is nothing now..
nothing.. i mean nothing.. i am nothing..
absolutely nothing..
nothing at all...
chemical stuff... world's wonder.. 3.12.07
sertraline hydrochloride. how many of these do i own actually? quite confused where i put them. seems to be everywhere but i still forget to take them. blue and quite small. if it ever falls somewhere in the dark, which, has happened many times already, it is never found again. and from a pair of these pills, 1 is gone, which is troublesome, since i have to consume 2.
alprazolam. hmm, i've told my class about this stuff for Social Relevance Task for chemistry. it got this long complicated chemical name by IUPAC that i managed to read out quite effectively and even got an applause from my classmates. well done, hehe. peach, somewhat orange, small as well. got it with me everywhere too, but anyways, i kinda never remember to take it even when it's needed. in fact, i think it is expired already now. huhu... probably need to talk to my doc again?
clonazepam. white, smallest of them all. even at its small size, taking half of the one pill has a strange effect. strange effect... i still remember it. longer effect than alprazolam. pretty much cant think at all during its working. one day in biology class, i could see miss lily in front, i could hear her voice, but i understood nothing. it sounded like an alien language that not one word i was familiar with. maybe i would be better off sleeping at that time. but it wasn't just that... honestly, with this, i felt like floating. the urge to eat cannot fight that feeling. strange indeed...
days go on 03
man, i post too often. huhu... screw it like i care. but somehow i feel like i have chosen the right title for my coming days...
it's hard to open my eyes this morning - in fact maybe morning is an incorrect term, since it's close to mid-day. i think my small eyes just got smaller... and got a headache. strange... 2 december has always been a bad date for me ever since 2005, yesterday it happened again... although not the same event 2 years ago, this really left a big foot print in my heart. like a wet cement that was stepped on, the foot print stays forever. it's a big change. i really wanted to get over it soon enough... last night i had a hard time already. i couldn't sleep since tears keep flowing out without my wanting... next thing i know, it was past 7am... and i went on till dun remember what time...
actually there are many questions running through my mind. wondering bout lotsa things... this is really different from my previous case with bob... i owe it to him for everything he did for me. this was a guy who led rumah merah during the sports week by keep asking his rumah merah people "understand? understood? underwear?" - this guy really is funny and dirty at the same time. possible to say he's got some bad mouth, with some stuff he had said. i first started talking to him through friendster, saying i like japanese. he too, apparently, then we knew we both like anime. from then on we'd greet each other in school. i remember his friendster testimonial saying that ifyani jika die tidak jahat, adelah seorang yg baik dan tidak merokok. hmmm strange stuff to say there, huhu i laughed at it, strange guy. i remember the times when he was always accompanying aliah in form 5, of which i often got sad looking at them, haha... but i let that move on, i know he's a good guy, he deserved a good life so if he's having it then i should be happy for him. somehow it ended in a way i-dunno-how. months later to find things shifting and suddenly i was with him. he's a strange guy who'd fall asleep while talking on the phone.. haha.. yet i ended it in an unfair way and i kept hurting him more. who knew his pain? and also, the (even b4) previous case with atok (khair) in form 4... my very first case. this is a guy who could be very emotional and obvious (to others) to be jiwang... proven by words he had told me. apparently too, he wasn't liked much. but he is nice, just that his behaviour can be quite annoying sometimes. passing through 4 begonia (my class), or any other classes even, he'd be singing to himself. badruzzaman my classmate would tease me with him. he was nice to me but too nice, it made me feel alright when i had nobody else there in batu pahat but... i chose the wrong path there. he bought me something i ended up breaking in class (fell off my desk) but i simply showed a straight face... even in form 5 he gave me something like a card for my birthday that i had to reject coz i didnt want him to have any hope on me... he really deserved better than me. i knew he felt pain being with me. i got my own pain but i had no right to cause him more of it.
and now... positions seem to have switched again. me in atok or bob's position.. huhu. although they are different situations... i always knew i'd get it back to my face. you get what you give, anyway. except that this was a long process, it began many months ago when i already started to care about wandie. you probably thought you had no impact in anyone's life, with my life you had. you are no bob nor atok, you're special as you are. my feelings here all this time was never the same as those of my previous... since you taught me one thing i never thought i'd have before. to really do what i want as for myself... as all this time i think i never really did anything for my own happiness, probably for others. this was someone who shared many things in common with me, although he may not think so, which to me is kinda unlikely... since, basically, i'm a weirdo always saying stuff bout life like i've been through all etc... but we're just people who wish to understand more about life. not that we're ever able to... we just hope so. at least that's what it is for me.
somehow i wish i'm still in ausmat, in intec... with my friends there. at least i wont be alone... i'd have stuff around to keep my mind off this thing. i cant help it.. really miss it, i know everyone does. i know the friends i have there are greatest pals anyone could ask for.
i wont forget ya. you know i won't. wish for you to be happy :)
days go on 02
this is particularly hard to move on with. maybe i deserved it, after all i did before this. honestly... i don't even know how to put it into words anymore.
i hope you know, i need to stay away for the moment...
Ya Allah give me strength.. forgive me... :'(
days go on 01 1.12.07
well the title sounds like this post is gonna be some sort of a short story i wrote or something... but not really, hehe... just for fun =)
here you go, days go on after ausmat's official ending last tuesday altho i wasnt there, we all know we miss each other... whether we'd say it or not. lately it's been hectic with university stuff like accommodations, passport, visa, medical check-up and so on... but deep down, there's that sad feeling that ausmat 18 days are already over. no matter what happened all this while of being in this programme since tha last 1.5 years... it definitely changed us all, huh? some stuff here we got that we wouldnt get anywhere else... as for me, in year 11, always during c++ class i'd find myself staring around the computer lab looking for the person whom i thought called out my name - IF - when truth was they were discussing about how the if-else etc stuff works. although i hardly remember how c++ works anymore... i wont forget about the experience learning it.
lol... maybe people think i dont care just because i didnt attent grand dinner, but God knows, anyway... i miss ausmat 18! i was pretty sure i would cry if i was there... somewhat like how i cried (quite a lot) during the last day of national service last year before everyone leaves for home. i watched performance from cheng and poji... well done, haha... cheng has been "practising" in class practically everyday anyway... well-deserved! he sorta reminds me of bob from mrsm bpj... i wont forget such funny peeps... even the not-so-funny ones... anyone at all that i knew here, i wish i wont forget them no matter what kind of person they are... coz whether their presence in my life had a bad @ good effect on me or not, it made a change in my life. bad attitude from bad people make ya realise how pathetic such attitude can be, could teach ya not to ever do that on others... etc. so maybe, in a way, i could thank such bad peeps for teaching me a lesson... and deep down, i'd wish they will at least do some good in the future... as i still believe there's goodness in everybody.
so no matter where life takes you, what you become, who you were or whatever you did or you do now, believe in yourself. life is full of wonders, if you keep your hope and faith, it keeps you alive. sometimes it wouldn't hurt to pick up the phone and call someone close to your heart and have a chat or meet up to do something fun - it awakens you. to have a friend.. or someone to count on.. someone to trust or even someone who trusts you.. let them in your life.. you could rise from the ashes like a phoenix, from a point of nothingness in life to some point higher - more meaningful than ever.
but at this point now, i'd say... i love ausmat 18 forever!!
Mayb i juz keep causing more trouble than fixing it.my every decision is made on what i think is best, but always end up getting me in some other kind of problem. Sometimes even, i couldn't identify what my problem is. It's not just me tryin to hide it. When the moment comes, it just happens. Breakdown... For no reason i could explain. I wish i could. I could only think of Allah, i hope He helps me. I hope i could understand and fix it. I hope i could make my dad understand instead of him making remarks than i've such a bad attitude of not wanting to change. I hope people wont make quick judgment on my decisions... Decision dat i had a hard time making without feeling bad. Things dat i cannot easily explain for them to at least not condemn me at. I try to make decisions with the best outcome, not simply for my own benefit. I can make my own decisions right? Mayb they aren't always what people think are good,but i think i've a choice,as long (hopefully) nobody's hurt in the process..
a weird game hardcore 29.11.07
civilization, is the game i'd never stop playing. guess i just like strategy stuff... and i know how other people who hear me playing this game with such a "deep interest" find it rather weird - they find it boring. hehehe... well that's never new for me. i dont know why for sure, but i simply love this game. i may get annoyed at it many times coz i keep losing in the game when i tried to play it in a more difficult level than the easiest level - even the easiest level is hard to win at. i seem to lose pretty much the same way everytime... yet i keep playing this game. the initial desire to play for like 20 minutes into the game could turn to be an all-niter for me, and my family at home & yan, my housemate in intec, all have been used to this.. sorta a bad habit, i'd say.
it started out probably few years ago when i found a game called colonization, which is a game created by the same person who made civilization - that was made back in the 90's. i dont remember how i found the game, but i just thought i'd give it a shot. i became a leader of a nation, who went off shore to explore new lands to colonize. in the new land, i'd make my own cities, build new buildings, find new resources and convert to commodities to sell and so make profits to build more cities and so on. then there's the need to build my own army to defend my cities, or else locals nearby might come and attack coz they really dont like us there (colonizers, after all ) or maybe it'd be those from other nation that come and attack our cities to colonize it as their own for their own benefit to widen and strengthen their empire. to avoid this, once i've met leaders from other nations, i must build strong friendship with them, or they'd grow suspicious of me and in time, destroy me. in a short time, i found myself addicted to it...
civilization is pretty similar. in fact, sorta better. i never tried I or II, when i found civilization after colonization, i tried civilization III. civIII (its short name) had better graphics than colonization - obviously, since it's newer. i can choose to be any leader from US (abraham lincoln), india(gandhi) or any other from aztecs, babylon, england, france, german, greece, china, japan and many more. i could build wonders of the world like pyramids, hanging gardens, great wall of china and colossus. after building this, culture of my empire would grow, and my area would become wider... of course there are always intruders from other nations. they'd trespass my area on their own but would get deeply upset if my army pass by their area, afraid i'll go over and attack their cities. or, much to my dismay, their army would attack my cities coz i didnt have enough army to guard it - they'd throw words at me, thinking i had a weak empire. they'd demand gold, commodity etc to end the war with them. to build an army, i'd need gold... gold is needed for many other causes, like creating workers to build roads, creating settlers to build more cities, building universities to provide education to people in my cities etc... usually i never focused on army bulding. but cool tho, there are many units of army that i can create, such type like ancient warriors or archers from back in the stone age till an airplane bomber or a jetplane shooter or a warship in the modern age. if i attack a city of another empire and won, i'd take control over the city, and widen my empire, get more gold, and more commodity. usually if my empire is doing good too fast in the game, i'd lose quite soon afterwards - other nations easily get envious and attack my empire. damn it annoys me everytime i lose in a war... all the hard work building an empire vanished just coz i had a weak army.
strange thing is, as time passes, the leaders of the nations just never seem to get old to die, from the stone age till the modern days - unless if they die in a war.
civIV has better graphics, more leaders to choose from... havent played that in a while. it causes crash in my old laptop coz of the limited hard disk space left...
therefore i am going to buy an external hard disk, soon. haha... i havent even fixed my phone yet...
but i'd probably buy a new phone, and keep using that, since my phone now is pretty much... close to its last breath already. hehe... we'll see... i'm no rich person... but i really love my laptop.. hard to live without it! and i havent seen it in 10 days now! i miss ya so much!
we'll see each other soon!! =)
today... 27.11.07
here it is. these days have been spent basically on nothing much but sleeping and playing sims 2. hehe.... and today, 27th nov '07... is ausmat's grand dinner.
well yan sure has that frustrated look on her face when i, again and again, tell her that i wont go.damn... it sure hasnt been easy for me either.
some people have been assuming reasons for my decision - which is coz he's not going. even if i tell them the real reason wasnt that... it seems like no one really trusts me. who trusts me now?
it's hard, i know, since i havent explained the real reason yet. but to do so could be more difficult... i could take a lifetime to explain it to to others yet it's hard to make anyone see it the way i do.
and life hasnt been made simpler when my phone is pretty much about to be screwd up totally. its microphone was damaged about 2 weeks ago and i still havent sent it in for repairs. other people have difficulties to talk to me... i can only hear people talk over the phone, i couldnt respond back for them to hear me. the first time i realised this was when my dad called and i yelled out HELLO so many times but he kept muttering over the phone of why no one said anything although the phone was already picked up. and... as usual, this phone keeps showing me the "insert sim card" msg even though, obviously, the simcard is already in there - no matter how many times i tried taking out the battery and try to meddle with the simcard, the same msg appears... ever so often, it is annoying. also... this phone also occasionally has no signal... even though i'm obviously in a good-signal area.
all tells me that i need to get a new phone...
now i sure hope i can open myself up... and tell someone how i feel. although this is one of the most diffucult things ever... since my whole life, i have been doing nothing but keeping everything to myself, avoiding people and ignoring my problems...
this is a necessity.
yet i don't know how to do it...
respond... 19.11.07
these days i felt like going back to square 1... going thru the root of my problem. coz i wish i could explain to people, to the simple why questions that for me, just have a very complicated, looong answer that only i understand.
well i really dislike it when people ask things regarding problems and we tell them and they're like... oh biaselah tuu...
in some cases anyway, serious things. there were things that were so bothersome to me up to a point where i'd blow up or erupt like a volcano or simply having a thunderstorm deep in my heart (lol), then when ya finally felt like opening up to somebody...
they act like they know everything. they think they know the feeling...
or they know the reason...
or that they understand the situation...
but they could be wrong.
things they say could be right.
but probably things i'd expect from anyone who'd give advice..
advice that no longer has any effect on a rebellious mind.
in the end, maybe, just maybe, ya'd even end up thinking.. why even tell all of that stuff in the first place?
not that you can do anything about it anyway, since everyone's different in their own ways so they have different thoughts and reactions to things. what's amusing to me might be a very serious problem to another person - so what turns out to be a simple joke could lead to a huge war between me and other people without me having the intention to hurt anyone's feelings in the first place. but this isnt something that everyone would understand.
for that, i've worried myself too much. i wanna care for my friends. then i'd rather keep quiet than hurt anyone. if anyone would talk to me about anything, i'd listen - just like how i'd like another person listening to what i say. no need to judge anything, no comment needed, just listen.
but then it could be big time annoying too.
i remember in NS matrix college last year. out of 3, my 2 roommates told me many times about my expressionless face. it was like...when they told me things, they said i had no feelings @ response bout it at all. the day i wanted to walk out of college, they told me they bought some present for me but left it (forgot to bring it - left at kampung of 1 of those 2 girls when they both went there during the weekend), they said sorry. at that, even, i was surprised they bought anything for me. in the end the only response i gave was... takpe... with a face that didnt exactly show disappointment. so then they stressed it out to each other with an i-told-ya sentence = "if takde perasaan"... even so... i just smiled at them. it was an expression i had heard ever so often about me having no expression on my face... so used to it, i pretended like it was nothing. but eventually i realized... it wasnt really me. having same, chill face to different things being told to me? i got tired of it. somehow, it made me look too serious, as someone told me b4. altho the earlier intention was to become a friend that can be trusted and wouldnt hurt others' feelings... which would be the kind of friends i'd like to have. after all.. you get what you give. but what i was doing... could be more to pretending. being silent doesnt mean you're the most trustworthy friend in the world...
just let my friend know that i'm willing to listen, that's all. coz sometimes i prefer a listener, not a counsellor. even if the listener knows nothing bout what i really feel, at least the listener is still there, existing as a friend, willing to listen all i have to say, instead of playing games or sleeping that seem more beneficial to them.
besides, for me, it's actually annoying to be called "muke takde prasaan". it made people unable to tell if i'm sad, happy etc... it's bad, if a person gets awfully angry but people think he doesnt mind and they just dont seem to care... get the point..
then we can never be too quiet...
blogging here again! 17.11.07
friendster has been slow... and its blog got disadvantages, so i'm switcing to this one.
this blog has existed for over 1.5 years now, i've ignored it for a while.
so from now on, i'm going back to it.
later! =)
