Worst Case Scenario

My life is the worst case scenario... no really, I can reliably predict the next thing that is going to happen in my life by asking myself one question, "What is the worst possible thing that could happen to me now?"

Hello Heartbreak

At the business park where I work there is a food court, and in this food court there is a Gandolfo's. I go there 1-2 times a week, and everytime I go I get the same thing, A Big Apple (not a fruit, that is the name of the sandwhich). It has roast beef, prosciutto, pepperjack cheese, feta chees, pepperoccini, lettuce, tomato, onions and vinegar. It is the perfect sandwhich. Everytime I go I get it because for me it is the best sandwhich, and I never get sick of it. I've actually tried a couple other sandwhiches but they're always disappointing. I've often thought that if only I had a man like this sandwhich.

So on Wednesday of this week I went down to the food court to get a sandwhich and was greeted by a terrible surprise. It was locked. On the door it said it was under remodel and when it opened again some of the restaurants would be replaced by new ones... Gandolfo's is one of the ones being replaced. My sandwhich will no longer be part of my life. Luckily, I've had lots of experience with heartbreak. There was sadness, followed by anger, followed by depression. It will probably take a couple weeks for me to get over this... or maybe several months. Just kidding, I can just drive a half mile down the street to the next nearest Gandolfo's.

Breakfast of Champions

Today I had a raspberry milkshake for breakfast. I'm not going to lie. It was a pretty good. My other favorite breakfast foods are: pie, chocolate cake, and carrot cake. People will try and tell you that you should eat bran or something healthy for breakfast but if I have to eat something like that first thing in the morning. I won't make it out of bed, and life is not worth living.

Honey

I think honey tastes like cow manure, only sweeter... just an opinion.

The News

There is nothing I hate more than my local news. All of the newscasters in Utah are for some reason overly happy. It's as though they were hopped up on Prozac or something.

However, I think newscasters in general are probably the most annoying people ever. Please stop enunciating. Please stop saying it like you mean it.

Of all the broadcasters I hate, there is none that I hate more than Carol Mikita.

How To Pretend To Like A Gift You Don't Really Like

This will happen to all of us at some time or other so it is best to learn how to pretend to like a gift you don't really like now.

1-Prepare mentally. Think of the worst possible gift you could be given, then if the gift is miraculously better than you expected you will be pleasantly surprised. Most disappointment in life stems from overly high expectations.

2-When opening a gift always be prepared with a forced smile and a choice phrase like, "Wow, this is amazing," or ,"I'll use this everyday," or "you really shouldn't have." Be sure to include a voice inflection with this so that they know you really mean it.

3-Hide your face, look down or away. A pained look of shock and dismay is a dead giveaway you don't like your gift.

Alternately, I've found it is a lot of fun to give gifts to people that you know they'll hate and then watch as they try to convince you that they love it.

How To Survive The Holidays... Or, How To Avoid Spending Time With People You Don't Like

Let's face it during the holidays you are forced to either spend time with people you don't really like or you are forced to spend time with boring people. In either case you'll need a coping strategy.

One of the best ways to cope is to separate yourself from these people... this can be done in a number of ways:

1-Do the dishes after a large meal. People will think you are being nice but really you just want to get away from them. Also, cleaning is very therapuetic.

2-Lock yourself in the bathroom with a magazine. People never question long periods of time spent in the bathroom.

3-Wrap a box to look like a present and then say that you are going to go deliver a gift to a friend. Get in your car and drive, it doesn't matter where, just drive far, far away until your pulse returns to normal and your panic attack subsides.

4-Arrange for a friend to call you and excuse yourself to another room. You can talk to your friend or thank them and hang up. Afterwards, hyperventilate into a bag until your pulse returns to normal and your panic attack subsides.

This Morning

This morning I woke up with a feeling of dread... oh yes, it's Christmas morning.

It's Not Me It's You

So during tithing settlement this year our Bishop asked us about our social life. I told him mine was great, I have amazing friends and we hang out all the time.

The follow up question to this was a little more difficult, "How is your dating life?" Uh, I looked nervously around the room... no comment. I tried to appease him,"I hang out with boys all the time." But, apparently that's not the same thing. I take issue with this question though. It's not my fault I'm not dating anyone. I do everything in my power. I'm sorry, I can't be anymore beautiful or fun loving. It's just not possible.

It's Not You It's Me

I have a problem with lateness. I am late pretty much everywhere I go. I try to blame it on other things, traffic, the weather, unexpected events but really it's just me.

Some Kind Of Magic

I was looking at my blog the other day, noticing all the spelling and gramatical errors and I noticed the "next blog" button at the top right of the page. I clicked it and it took me to this blog http:mathematical-recreation.blogspot.com. It is some kind of magic.

My Life Is Now Complete

My friends Brooke and Sue gave me a cotton candy machine for Christmas. I feel that this is a turning point in my life. It will be nothing but good times and happiness from here on out. My life is now complete.

While I was over there our Relief Society President stopped by and they were joking about giving me the calling of joy corodinator for the Relief Society, saying that I could be in charge of a happiness moment each week... I don't really think that was funny Bre.

Please Stop Talking To Me

So my official job description is marketing but since I work at a small company I also get to sit at the front desk and greet people. I am also the best looking one at the company... no it's true.

Anyway, as I sit at the front desk, people for some reason feel like they can talk to me. They talk to me all day about what I'm working on or how I'm doing. Look, I need to get work done and I'm sure you do too.

This morning I went into work, and I wasn't in a very good mood even though I had gotten lots of sleep last night (7.5 hours). And I walked to my desk and one of the other employees Peter was like, "Here is the happy front desk person. The happy front desk person, why don't you smile." Now normally I like Peter he jokes around and is fun to talk to, but nothing makes me madder than someone telling me to smile in the morning. I have a hard enough time smiling at other times, but in the morning when I have just dragged myself out of bed, and driven to work in freezing temperatures and am still trying to figure out why on earth I continue to struggle at my seemingly futile existence, and someone tells me to smile. Keep your happiness to yourself. Just because your happy doesn't mean you have to drag us all in with you. Okay?

Cold

The high today was 22 degrees. I love subfreezing temperatures! Love them!!!!

An Excercise In Pain

Tonight was our company Christmas party. I knew it would be painful and I wasn't looking forward to it, but luckily I have lots of experience in suffering and a high tolerance for pain. Monotonous conversation, forced interaction with people you don't necessarily like... I was born for this.

Actually, I made it through the night by texting friends, the great out from any awkward social interaction.

This Is Getting Desparate

This morning as I was leaving for work there was a piece of paper taped to the door with the heading Rebecca's Christmas List. This is a not so subtle hint from my Mom that she wants me to write a Christmas List..

Church Yesterday

My friend Sue gave the lesson in Relief Society yesterday. Before Relief Society she told me she was going to have me read a quote from the handout about happiness (Sue is dark like me and knows I have a problem with happiness). I told her that I didn't think that was a good idea, that I couldn't keep a straight face and would probably start laughing.

So we go into Relief Society and Sue is giving her lesson and then she calls on me to read quote #3 (now I was already in a funny mood because I had been writing mean notes to people), but when she called on me I started laughing, I tried not to laugh out loud, so there was a long awkward pause before I started reading the quote. I read about a line before I started laughing again, I took a deep breath and read another line before I had to stop... somehow I made it through the quote, though there were several awkward pauses. The funny thing is that usually there are awkward pauses because I'm crying, but not this time.

The sad thing is that this is the second week in a row that I've been irreverent in Relief Society. Last week Emily and Jamie were drawing inappropriate pictures in their Wilford Woodruff manuel which was making me laugh.

Goodbye Happy People

So I've decided I have too many friends. I'm always hanging out will them and I never have time to get anything done anymore. So some of you are going to have to go... starting with the happy people.

At church today they were passing around a box with paper for us to write friendship notes on. I took some paper and wrote some notes to happy people. They went something like this.

Dear _______,

I've decided that you are too happy and that we can no longer be friends. I hope you will understand. Please don't talk to me anymore.

Love,

Rebecca

They may or may not understand that this is a joke. If they don't understand that it's a joke and become seriously offended then, well, that solves my problem now doesn't it?

Stupid

I did something stupid today. I do stupid things all day every day. I thought I would grow out of it, but no, it doesn't look like that's going to happen.

Another Warning

Reading this blog may have the same effect on you as low levels of radiation.

Chocolate

So we got some Christmas chocolates as a gift from someone. They look deceptively good, but they aren't.

A Confession

So I was out washing my car the other day(yes I wash my car in freezing weather, I have an unhealthy love of my car that leads me to do such things)... So I was out washing my car the other day (wait the best way to begin any story is "In the middle of a raging dust storm")... So I was in the middle of a raging dust storm washing my car when my dangerously happy neighbor asked me if I had gotten all my Christmas shopping done yet... I just stared at him for a second... nope, I haven't even started it.

My theory with Christmas is that if I don't get anyone a present then no one will feel left out, they will just think I'm cheap and lazy which is not far from the truth. I also haven't figured out what I want for Christmas yet, I know I said something about a bunny and ceramic figurines but in case you haven't figured it out yet that was a joke. A friend of mine said something funny the other day ,"All I want for Christmas is a relationship." that would be nice but I'll probably just have to settle for a new bike or something.

Laziness?

I have just been accused of being lazy because I haven't yet joined facebook. That's it. The gauntlet has been thrown down. I'm joining facebook, unless of course it takes a long time to create an account. I don't want to spend too much effort on it.

Work Today

So today at work we had a staff meeting at which we discussed the company Christmas party. Guess what, significant others are invited. Guess who doesn't have a significant other... that's right it is going to be me and two programmers sitting at the loser/singles table I will be the one gazing off into space while they talk about operating systems. No I'm not kidding there was a fifteen minute segway during the meeting today about OS's, something about Linux, Microsoft, email clients, then there was laughter... I have no idea.

Monday

So today after work I was so tired that I decided to take a small nap before ward FHE, at which we were going to buy Christmas presents for our sub for santa families. So I layed down on my bed for what I thought would be 5 minutes. An hour and a half later I woke to my phone vibrating, my friends Alicia and Emily had called and left me a message, it went something like this, "Rebecca I know why you're not answering your phone you're avoiding ward FHE. Why can't you support us in our callings, I will never forgive you for this, Why do you hate the children. I don't hate the children, I was just recouping from a nap and incapable of cognitive reasoning. So I rolled out of bed and drove over to Target where they were shopping, and before I went in I sprayed some perfume on so I didn't smell like nap and I sprayed it right in my face... and that ladies and gentlemen was my Monday... better than most.

I Think I Need To Say This

So some of my friends (Laura & Sarah) may sometimes feel very nearly offended because I say things like... I hate happy people or I hate nice people, because they are happy and nice people.

So I'd just like to say that the only happy people that I don't like are the happy people that I don't know.

Choice Phrase

Sometimes I watch old black and white episodes of Perry Mason to pick up phrases I can use in everyday conversation. I like the vernacular of the 1950's. Today's phrase, "He was no good to me alive. I thought he might be worth something dead." I'm not sure how I'm going to work this into a conversation but there must be a way. I can't be referring to a person when I say it but maybe a vegetable or turkey.

The Trouble With Money

I'm an artist by profession, but lately I've been working full time to help save up money... but sometimes I think, hey, what do I need money for. Then I walk out of my room and realize I'm still living in my parents house. Oh yeah, I remember now.

I'm Just Kidding

I've decided that I've been a little too sad and depressed, in my posts lately. I'm going to be happy now. Speaking of happiness, for Christmas I'm asking for pink cotton candy, ceramic kittens and a bunny. Life is so good. I'm off to sing Christmas carols now and drink egg nog...

Even More Disturbing

In the paper the other day there was a story about a woman who collects ceramic houses and builds villages out of them under her Christmas tree. I can't help but think what a waste of time, money and clay.

I don't understand how can you love ceramic houses that much...

These are the kinds of happy people I find disturbing.

I Went To Court Today

I went to court today to discuss my traffic ticket. I've never been to court before the experience was all new and magical. At the door they make you check any metal items you may have and also there is a new law, apparently, you can't bring a cell phone with a camera in it into the building. I'm not sure why this is, maybe the lighting is particulary bad in court rooms and any pictures taken would be unflattering to those in attendance. People in court are so vain. So anyway I had to take my cell phone back out to my car. I have some friends who call their cell phone their gun. So I couldn't take my gun into court with me I had to leave it out in the car.

Anyway, so I go in and I was hoping to be arraigned before a judge, but no such luck. I actually just had to go talk to a girl sitting in an office with a computer. It was very anti-climatic, as this blog post is turning out to be. So I give her my ticket and I tell her I'm interested in traffic school as I have no previous violations. She takes my ticket looks it up in the computer and tells me it isn't in the system. At this point I wanted to lean across the desk and say, "Well then how about we don't put it in the system. You seem like a nice person. Why don't we just keep this between you and me." But I knew that law clerks such as herself would frown on that sort of thing. The law to them is very black and white, there is no middle ground. Either you broke the law or you didn't and if you did you will pay. There is no redemption which is something I'm used to... I use it on a daily basis. So in the end I did pay my debt to society all $82 dollars of it. I could have spent that money on lots and lots of food, I'm never speeding again.

Doubt

I have a problem with doubt, that and I'm a little cynical. I used to think that life would be okay, that things would work and I could be happy. I also used to spend time skipping through fields of daisies... Well guess what? Things won't work out in the end. You will never be happy. You will die penniless and alone. So quit now while you're ahead.*

Yeah, I'm just a little bit cynical.


*Don't really, things will work out in the end... whatever.

None

My life is an exercise in futility.

Happy Birthday To Me

The only thing I hate more than my birthday is Christmas.

The Definitive Guide To Driving In The Snow

The first important thing to remember is that you should never try to drive too fast in the snow. It may seem like a good idea at the time, like you can handle the speed, no you can't. I learned this the hard way one winter night when I spun out and did a 360. Luckily I ended up on the shoulder of the road. My parking brake was also on, that's another important thing to remember, never leave your parking brake on while driving in the snow, or any other time for that matter. Unless of course you are in a parking lot trying to do donuts and you have sufficiently scouted the area to make sure there are no cops nearby.

The next important thing to remember is never make any sudden moves when driving in the snow (driving in the snow is actually just like confronting a bear the same principles apply here). Do not turn fast and do not brake quickly. Both will result in fishtailing.

Another important rule is never, never, stop while driving up a hill. If you stop you won't be able to get moving forward again and you will just start sliding backwards, sometimes fun but most of the time dangerous.

And finally, remember that driving in the snow is fun, fishtailing and sliding across the street are fun when you realize you are in no real danger. The only real problems arise when pylons and other cars get in your way. As long as you avoid those two things you should be fine.

Fungus

There are some brown mushrooms in my fridge and I can't tell if they are a woody variety or they are just growing mold. We all know, there is only one way to find out.

Winter

When I left work tonight it was dark and cold outside. So on the way home I threw in some Yankee Hotel Foxtrot to cheer myself up, and it was like spring again, except of course for the falling snow and freezing winter temperatures outside.

Exclamation

Sometimes when I'm writing a text or email I want to express excitement but not too much excitiment. Should I use an exlamation point or is it too much, or should I not and run the risk of sounding totally unexcited.

New Drivers License

On Friday I had to go get my drivers license renewed. Apparently every 10 years they make you get a new license with a new picture. I didn't think this should apply to me. I still look like I did when I was sixteen.

My new drivers license picture is worse than my old one, something I didn't think was possible. It is amazing how consistently bad drivers license pictures are. Is it the camera, the operator, or both? Baffling.

I'm pretty sure that if you lick the wall at the DMV you'll get tuberculosis. If only I could find someone brave enough to test this for me. Next time I'm at the DMV maybe I'll dare someone to do it.

Thanksgiving

Ah, Thanksgiving a time for forced togetherness, stale conversation and good food.

Thanksgiving is kind of like a bad date.

Disturbing

I don't trust overly happy people. There is something wrong there.

There is a first time for everything

Today I got a traffic ticket. It's true. I was going 40 mph down a 25mph hill. The thing is, usually I'm a very good driver. I drive habitually slow. I get tailgated on a regular basis. The only time I speed recklessly is when I'm going down this one hill by my house. I've tried going the speed limit down it, putting on my brakes but it doesn't work I still go fast... you can't fight gravity it is like trying to fight fate. I've tried and it doesn't work. And sure I deserved a ticket. And sure I'm endangering my life and the lives of others but really that is the only time I ever speed and I get a ticket there, what are the chances.

Streusel

I have a new found love of streusel topping, it's not that I didn't know about it before but I never really comprehended the magnitude, the incomprehensible joy of it until this moment.

Streusel topping is good on everything, coffee cake, muffins, pot roast...

If you don't like streusel topping you probably have no soul.

Trust is a five letter word

It's not that I don't trust you... I'm just paranoid.

How I Spent Halloween

My parents went out of town for Halloween so that meant that I had to watch my little brother for a few days. Before they left my Mom made sure that I'd be home on Halloween to watch my brother and pass out candy to trick or treaters. I told her I'd be home most of the time but that I'd probably go to a party for an hour or so but I'd try to pass out candy... I didn't know why she cared though its not that important to pass out candy... 1-kids don't really need candy it is bad for them (I'm doing them and their parents a favor if I don't give it to them) and 2-If I don't give kids candy then they will learn to deal with disappointment which will prepare them for the real world.

A day or so after my parents went out of town I found the candy that my Mom wanted me to pass out. It was a large bowl full of a delightful assortment of candy. Enough candy to feed me for a month, or at least two days depending on what else I have to eat. And then a fiendish plot entered my head... what if I didn't pass out the candy what if I just ate it all, my Mom would never know the difference.

Don't worry though I didn't eat all the candy, on Halloween I passed out candy for an hour or so before going to my party and there was even some candy left over for me.

The best and worst ways to die

After considering this for some time I've decided that the best way/my preferred way to die would be to drown in a giant vat of BYU ranch dressing. The worst way to die would be being eaten alive by a swarm of hungry weasels.

Compulsive shoe buying defended

Retail therapy is my only recourse against a cruel world.

The oft quoted

I've said it before and I'll say it again... I hate having fun and I hate people who like to have fun.