The Government

You know when you've had a long day and you are running around trying to get a bunch of errands done.  You go to the post office around five to find that there are about twenty people in line and only one person behind the counter helping them.  So you decide to use the self-checkout machine and after using it you go to mail your large envelope only to find that the latch on the large envelope slot will not open.  You think about waiting in that 20 person line to try to tell someone about this, but instead go outside to the outside mail slots to try to mail your envelope only to find it is too big for them.  And then you think to yourself thank goodness the government isn't in charge of something important like healthcare.

Croissants

The other week I was showing Jen's Mom how to make croissants.  She was telling me that with her old recipe about half the time they would work and the other half they wouldn't.  I wanted to tell her the secret ingredient is love, but it's not.  It's obsessive compulsive disorder.

Cya Later Jen, Thanks For The Family...

A few weeks ago my friend Jen's parents invited me to go with their family on a road trip to Northern California. 

One afternoon we were sitting in the condo putting a puzzle together, and we were trying to figure out what to watch on tv.  Jen doesn't like tv and she especially doesn't like cutesy stuff.  I had seen her suffer in unspoken agony as her Mom had picked "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," to watch earlier that day.

Jen's Mom:  "What should we watch?  How about Honey Boo Boo?"
Me:  "I don't think Jen wants to watch Honey Boo Boo, but I am good with anything."
Jen:  "No she isn't, she isn't good with anything."
Me:  "Shhh... keep it to yourself."
Jen:  "I know what you're doing.  You are trying to get them to like you more than me."
Me:  "My only goal is to get more Christmas presents this year than you.

D&D

My little brother Aaron had a bunch of friends over at my parent's house tonight.  I was like, "this is so cute they are like having a meeting or something."  One of them was talking about how they needed to get a group together and go to the city.  I was sitting there trying to figure out when Aaron had become so politically minded when I realized they were playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Dessert

The other night my younger brother and I were hanging out and we were trying to decide what to make for dessert.
me:  We have cream.  We could make ice cream.
bro:  We should make ganache instead it's faster.
me:  What will we put it on?  (ganache is a chocolate dip)
bro:  Spoons.

The Streets Are No Longer Safe

I've noticed a troubling trend on my neighborhood streets of late.  It's this:  kids are putting their basketball hoops in the streets, and playing basketball in the middle of the road.

The other day I was driving to my parents' home when I drove up on a basketball game.  They seemed annoyed that I was interrupting their game.  One of them gave me a look like,"We'll wait for you."  I don't know if they're aware of this but the government has actually designated all wide lanes of asphalt within the city for driving.  If only there was a simple solution to this problem.  Oh yeah, "PUT YOUR BASKETBALL HOOP IN YOUR DRIVEWAY!!" 

HGTV

I watch a lot of HGTV.  I watch the design shows and the realty shows.  When people are looking for a house they like to throw around a lot of catch phrases.  One of their favorites is "open concept."  Apparently people want to be with every member of their family all the time.  Which in my opinion may be the cause of rising gun fatalities in this country.  Now I like people, but as an introvert I occasionally need my alone time and my own space.  If I was on one of those shows I'd be like, "I feel like there aren't enough walls in this space."

Scheduling Problems

I am an artist and as such I like to work late into the night.  It is quiet at night.  It is easier to get things done.  There is no one to bother you.  People have said this is true of mornings too but frankly I'm too scared to find out.

Usually my sleep schedule works out fine.  Only when my schedule collides with a normal person's schedule do I find that I have a problem.  For example some of the things I struggle with are church on Sunday, or early morning calls from clients, or breakfast.  In all these cases I don't get my last REM cycle and I get really cranky.

So for work if a client wants to call me I just tell them I have meetings in the morning and a better time to call would be say around 2 or 3.  As far as breakfast goes, I simply decline any invitations to breakfast.  I could tell people that I will try to come, but who are we kidding here.

Church has been hard though.  The one thing I can't find a way around.  I always get up for church, but getting only 4 hours of sleep before usually means I'm in a pretty bad mood.  Which means I have the reputation at church of being the cranky one who doesn't want to talk to anyone.  Not unlike my reputation at church when I do get enough sleep. 

For the past 4-5 years I've had early morning church.  We are talking 8:30-9:30 quite the trial of my faith.  But then last Sunday the clouds parted and my prayers were finally answered.  A member of the Stake Presidency got up and informed us that our church will now be starting at 1:45.  An audible gasp was heard across the audience, people hung their head in disbelief.  In the congregation only one heart cried out in joy, only one heart was carried away in sweet exaltation.  It was mine.

People

Sometimes we have a tendency to idealize people, to remember them nostalgically, to think only of their good characteristics and not their bad...

Which is why I keep a list of everyone's bad qualities, that way if I ever catch myself doing these things I can pull out my list and be like, "Oh, yeah I really don't miss them."

My motto is:  "People... they aren't that great."

We're Strangers

So Jen is one of my best friends.  She is going to grad school in Ohio but she is home for a couple months this summer.  We tell each other a lot but neither of us is really the bragging type.  We both have a tendency to downplay.

When she got into town I was talking to her about how I wanted to hang out but didn't have a lot of time because I was working on a project for the Riverwoods (an upscale outdoor mall).  She was like, "Oh, yeah?  That's cool I've done some stuff for them in the past."  We left it at that.

The next day I went back to my project, which was hand painting giant banners for The Riverwoods Lace and Grace bridal event.  They took me a few days to finish and then when I was done we were hanging them.

Apparently, Jen was there at the same time.  Turns out she was the one who designed their logo for the bridal event that I had spent the last week painting.  As she was walking through, someone told her (pointing at me) "that's the girl who painted your logo."  And Jen was like, "Oh yeah, I know who that is."

Alternatives to Botox

Whenever I watch the Karate Kid I think wearing a bandana with a bonsai on it is a great way to prevent forehead wrinkles caused by a competing dojo or a dramatic girlfriend.

Solutions to Problems

I am a bit of a germaphobe.  Which means I wash my hands A LOT.  By the end of the day they can get quite dry.  But the other day I had an oven mitt on my hand and I picked up a dirty dish and put it in the dishwasher and then I noticed that I didn't have to wash my hand afterwards.  That got me thinking why not just wear oven mitts on my hands all day long... or another type of glove that is less unwieldy...

Les Miserables

Tonight I had a chill night and watched Les Miserables.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I an a HUGE Les Mis snob.  It's true.  You can ask anyone who knows me.  It's annoying.  I read the unabridged version in high school.  I even made it through the 8 chapters dedicated to Waterloo and the ten chapters about the Paris sewer system.  Well maybe I just skimmed those chapters.

But I really loved it, though at times a touch wordy.  Since then I have been pointing out the inaccuracies of its various reproductions to anyone who would listen.  Few people would.  It's weird people always change the subject an hour into that conversation.  I don't get it maybe they just don't like the French or something.

ANYWAY, some thoughts on the movie:

Surprisingly Anne Hathaway was not the worst one in the film it was actually Russell Crow.  Anne Hathaway was actually pretty good.  I daresay she deserved that Oscar.   I'm as surprised as you are.

Two, I thought it was funny that Gavroche had a thick English accent.  It's funny that whenever Hollywood makes a foreign film the characters always have English accents, if they're French, Japanese, it doesn't matter... it's all the same to us.  We just lump them all in with that country we beat the pants off of all those years ago.  I'm surprised we even take the time to learn other countries names.  Does it really matter?  They're not us...  It's weird that the rest of the world hates us.

Three, there were more barricades in heaven than I thought there would be.

Shortcuts

Sometimes when I am using our circular saw I am too lazy to look for protective eye wear to use.  However, I am conscious of the fact that it is very dangerous to use a saw without it.  I could get a splinter in my eye or something.  So instead I just close my eyes when I use the saw then I'm in no danger of damaging my eyes.

Christmas Gifts

Liz has been toying with the idea of switching professions to sheep raising.  For Christmas she got a book with some good explanations and illustrations about the basics of raising sheep.  One of them is how to castrate a sheep... I think she may be reconsidering it now.