I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me!

The other night I had an unwelcome visitor.  I was up late.  I couldn't sleep.  I was sitting at my kitchen table.  All of my lights were on.  I look over and see someone standing outside at the window about 5 feet from me.  I stare at him for about 15 seconds and then run and get my husband and call 911.  The cops were there patrolling the neighborhood before I even hung up the phone.  They caught the guy but couldn't arrest him because they didn't have enough evidence.  All I saw was his hoodie.  I was so frightened.  All night long Gary patrolled the house with his sword and had a running commentary on all the things he would do to brown hoodie if he ever caught him , which seems quite comical now.  I was so scared that night.  I didn't sleep.  The next morning I was still scared. I didn't want to spend the day alone at home. I went to the gym.  I came home. I walked in the door and had an epiphany.  This is my house.  How dare some idiot try and control what I do.  I instantly went from being scared to being angry.  I threw open all my blinds.  I decided I'm not going to hide.  I want to see him coming so I can get a good look at him and get his butt hauled off to jail.  That would be AWESOME!!

Lost in Cyber Space!!

I shared a great Disneyland story in the previous post only to have it lost in cyber space!  So I will share once more!

A couple of years ago we were visiting Disneyland.  I was waiting with Brynn and Ethan for the big light parade.  We had gotten there early and had a great spot.  Gary was stuck in line with Lorin somewhere.  The kids were getting very restless but with the promise of an awesome parade the kids were waiting so patiently. Just before the parade began we were standing shoulder to shoulder in a huge crowd and two grown men shove their way through the crowd and stand right in front of us!!  The parade starts and Ethan starts having a major meltdown.  There was no way I could lift him up so he could see.  He is standing in this crowd of people screaming.  Everyone starts giving us these looks.  So I announce to the crowd that two grown men shoved their way in front of us and my son who has Autism was having a hard time coping with their rude behavior.  Before I knew it people all around us were pulling my kids up to the front and comforting my child.  Other people watch all of our stuff, including my purse and stroller and souvenirs so I could edge my way closer to my kids.  I wouldn't normally trust strangers to watch my kids and my belongings but I knew everything would be fine.  It was like instantly these strangers became family and treated my children as if they were their own.  It really touched me.  What could have been a nightmare turned into a confirmation of the goodness of strangers.

California trip part one - Tinkerbell is real!!!

We had an awesome trip to California this summer! Since Gary was neck deep in rotations this summer (8 more months by the way!)  he couldn't come with to a much anticipated family reunion in California!  My dear friend Janet Massey came with me and brought along her two awesome kids!  It was a BLAST!!  I'm so thankful to Janet for coming with!   

We were fortunate to visit my mother-in-law's grave.  It gave us all the closure we needed since we weren't able to attend her funeral.  She is much loved.  We had a good cry together. 

We also visited the Hotel Del Coronado on Coronado Island!!!  I LOVE this hotel.  It's surrounded by beautiful beaches (imported sand), it's old (which I love), and it's supposed to be haunted ;).  It's where Gary asked me to marry him!  In fact I took this picture at about the same place we were standing when Gary asked me to marry him!  

On a side note, it took us 3 hours to get from Coronado Island to Point Loma in San Diego!!! For those not familiar with the San Diego area, it should have taken about 20ish minutes, it was a Sunday evening!!  Can you say NIGHTMARE!!  Janet took Brynn to pee on the sidewalk behind a trash can while we were stuck!  That's true friendship right there!

 And of course, we went to Disneyland!!  Every time I go it kills me to pay SO MUCH MONEY!!  I'm always worried we wont get our money's worth.  Every time I go it's completely amazing.  Every time it's time to go home I feel like I totally got my money's worth!!  Disney makes every other theme park look like a dump! It was beautiful, clean, and FUN!!  Everywhere you look there's something AMAZING going on! There are people whose only job is to clean the bathroom.  They actually stay in the bathroom and continuously clean that bathroom all day long!!  Worst job ever but I'm sure glad they do it!

 We entered main street and Ethan got pulled out of the crowd to help the chip and dale dance with the fire fighters!  AWESOME!

 This time I got the kids Mickey Mouse ears!!  This was their one souvenir.  They got to pick out which ever one they wanted!  Totally not surprised by their choices!

 We got to ride on the new Star Tours ride!!!  I loved the old one.  The new one is FANTASTIC!!  It was in 3D and it was totally interactive!  One person in the group is chosen to be the Rebel spy!!  They must take pictures of people while they're in line (1 1/2 hours, they had plenty of time!)  Lorin was that person on our ride.  It was so fun, everyone cheered when they realized it was an actual passenger!  In Disney fashion, while we were in line storm troopers were running around entertaining us, keeping order, looking for a rebel spy, etc.  Even though they were storm troopers they were nice enough to stop and take pictures with us!

While we were in line Brynn had to be measured to make sure she was tall enough.  When she was measured and was tall enough everyone in the crowd cheered!!  It was very sweet.  I've had a lot of good luck with the other Disneyland Patrons.  (I'll share another experience we had at a previous Disneyland visit at the end of this post that really warmed my heart.)

Right after Brynn was measured Ethan wanted to be measured.  Of course he was tall enough.  He's HUGE!!  The employee told him with a straight face that he was too tall.  Ethan looked completely devastated!!  The poor employee had no idea that Ethan would respond that way.  He felt AWFUL!  I just explained to him that Ethan had Autism and doesn't always get those kinds of jokes.  I explained to Ethan that the employee was just joking and Ethan immediately grinned!  The employed apologized to us over and over again and kept giving Ethan high fives! The whole incident only lasted about 3 minutes.  Ethan and I were used to little things like that happening and it really wasn't that big a deal.  I think the Disney employee took it harder than anybody else.  He felt HORRIBLE.  It really wasn't a big deal.  It was actually funny and cute that this guy was joking around with Ethan! 

 Us in front of small world!!  I took Brynn on that ride 3 times!!!  It was pretty awesome!!

 Brynn was not tall enough to go on the Indiana Jones ride.  She didn't really care, it was too much of a "boy" ride.  Instead we went on Small World (again) and made a visit to Pixie Hollow, where Tinkerbell lives.  She wasn't there at the time but there were lots of cool stuff to climb in and look at.

 Brynn kept asking me if Tinkerbell was real.  I kept telling her "no, she's just a cartoon."

Well just after that we all met up to the see the fireworks.  A. MA. ZING. We were all enthralled!  Who should appear flying through the air in the middle of the fireworks show but Tinkerbell!!  We couldn't see a harness or wires.  She was spinning and dancing through the air.  After the show Brynn looks at me very smugly and says "I told you Tinkerbell was real Mom"  I agreed with her.  She's real.

First Day of School!

So all three of my kids are now going to school!!!  The day I've been waiting for for so many years has finally come.  And yes it is as good as I thought it would be!  Going to the gym and grocery shopping has become infinitely better.  Though, I think when the three o'clock hour rolls around I'm ready for my kids to come home.

This was the only picture I got of the Lorin and Ethan on their big day.  Lorin was having no part of me following her around JUNIOR HIGH with my camera.  We simply dropped her off.  She barely waved at us.  That's right I said Junior High!!!  What is up with that?!?!  How can I have a child who's in Junior high!!  When we went to the open house I felt a little sick inside.  Not because of the school itself.  I actually like it, but because it brought back memories of the time I did at Wilson Middle school.  PURGATORY!!  Never have I been more grateful to be an adult.  Junior high is just a swirling pool of awkwardness and hormones.  Lorin's junior high is WAY better than mine was.  The administration is hyper aware of bullying.  They have really great programs.  Lorin seems very happy.  There are very few things Lorin has not met head on and had success with.  I know she'll be great in Junior high!

Ethan got placed in a mainstream classroom this year!!!  That is a huge step!  That means he has worked really hard and has accomplished a lot in the last few years.  I'm so proud of him.  He has been so blessed to have teachers like Mrs. Sellers, Ms. Pilgrim, Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Simpson, Ms. Cody and Ms. Rogers and countless therapists, resource teachers, doctors,etc.  So many people have blessed him.  I feel like the Lord has really had a hand in bringing all of these people into his life!  They say it takes a village to raise a child.  I think in Ethan's case, by the time he's an independent adult it will be more like a mid-sized city!!  His teacher seems really sweet.  She seems to genuinely care for Ethan and the other kids in her class.  At meet the teacher night, before school started, when I told her that Ethan had autism and he was mainstreaming, she gave him a big hug and told him she was proud of him! She has a gentleness about her.  I feel like he's in good hands.  His aid also spoke very kindly of him and said she loves working with him!!  I know he has his moments,but, I'm so glad he is surrounded by so many wonderful people!!  

And then there's Brynn.  It was her first year of school!!!  WHAT!!!

She got a little sad when Gary dropped her off.  She cried after he left :(.  But when we went to go pick her up at 3 she was chatting non stop until she went to bed that night.  She loved school, she loved her teacher, she loved her friends!!  They let the kids bring their favorite stuffed animal the first week of school.  I think that was genius!  They sing songs and play games and learn about letters and sight words and have show and tell.  Kindergarten is AWESOME!!  All in all this school year has been off to a good start for the Bradshaw clan.  Each child went in facing big changes and each child has handled them beautifully!!  What awesome people they are!!

My name is MUD!!

Ok, I'm the worlds worst blogger.  I have got months of blogs to write!!!  So I'll start with the most recent and work my way back.  

A couple of weeks ago Lorin and I took part in the Abilene Mudslinger fun run.  It was a 3 mile long obstacle course.  

These are the before pictures.  We still look squeaky clean!!

It's so fun to have kids old enough to participate!  I'm really starting to enjoy this phase in my life where gap between kids activities and parents activities grows narrower and narrower. Ethan said he wanted to do it next year with us!!

There was a climbing wall, a tire run, a wet slide, a balance beam, a tire flip, a spider crawl, hurdles, a drum roll (rolling a 30 gallon drum), and of course the mud pit!

We did it later in the afternoon.  It was warm outside so the mud actually  felt really good after running 3 miles and doing various obstacle courses.  I can see why pigs like it so much!  The hardest part was climbing out of the mud pit!

Victorious!!

Happiness

Today in church the teacher gave a beautiful lesson.  Toward the end of the lesson she spoke on happiness and how in the midst of our trials we should find happiness in our trials.  Sometimes I feel like that is an admirable quality, but, how does one do that when they have a chemical imbalance that hinders them from deciding to be happy?  That's like telling a person with diabetes to decide they're going to be able to either maintain, or make glucose on their own.  What if you are dealing with loss that is so piercing that deciding to be happy seems completely unrealistic?  Whenever I've heard people say that I cringe a little.  I would hate for any who are sad or depressed to feel guilt for feeling that way.  Sometimes life is just hard.  When I read the account of Job it's pretty obvious to me that he was not happy in the midst of his trial.  He was depressed and had every right to be.    He had lost everything, his land, his income, his family, his friends, his health.  Around the time Ethan was diagnosed with Autism I experienced depression like I didn't know was even possible.  I remember just wanting the sadness to just go away.  I hated feeling that way.  I prayed for God to just take away those feelings.  As I prayed as clear as day the answer was "I can't take these feelings away.  What you're going through is difficult.  You are supposed to feel this way!"  For some reason that was extremely comforting.  I let go of all guilt.  The depression lasted a long time.  Years.  I thought I was done feeling this way but as of late it became apparent that I am in fact still depressed.  I have steadily felt better as time goes on, but every now and then it is apparent to me that I still have a ways to go before I'm back to where I once was.  Having been depressed like this for the first time in my life I've learned a lot and am actually thankful for it.
 Yes I've been depressed for the last 3 years, but I've also experienced incredible happiness.  I didn't know it was possible.  When I was first depressed my heart  actually hurt.  It was like I felt physical pain.  Every interaction seemed unbearable.  I think when people say happiness is a choice, what they mean is, don't give up on it.  Keep striving for it.  Stay hopeful and give credit to God for everything.  I don't think Job ever gave up on happiness and I think he never forgot where the true source of happiness came from.  I think when we are trying to be happy it might become easier to find.  So I just kept trying to be happy.  I think realizing that my response was actually normal and healthy because I was recognizing my feelings for what they were and was not shrouded in guilt helped immensely with finding happiness.  I think when you are facing loss in your life depression is part of the grieving process and you have to go through it in order to ultimately heal.  Just as one might have surgery to fix an old injury, it's painful, but in the end you feel so much better.    I can honestly say I'm a happy person, but I do have a small ache in my heart that is always in the background.  I know that as time goes on the ache will diminish more and more.  I know that though the last three years have been difficult, some of the biggest blessing in my life have occurred during the last three years.  I've had amazing experiences that I never thought I would have and have met amazing people that have changed my life, and our families lives forever.  I wouldn't trade the last three years, the good and the bad, for anything.  It's almost like it's been a sacred time of my life of growth, and learning and the pain really has helped me feel more joy.
What are your thoughts on depression and happiness?  I really would like to know other's insights so please share if you are comfortable.

Progress

Progress is such an interesting thing.  I think it reminds me of trips to the ocean when I was a kid.  I'd get in the water and swim and play.  Not notice the tide pulling me slowly down the shore.  When it was time to go I'd find my bearings and realize I'd traveled a great distance from where I started.
Two years ago Ethan couldn't cope outside of his home, and even then he struggled.  He used to knock over furniture, scratch and bite, and scream at school. I would get calls from the principal's office at least once a week.  I really didn't know what would become of him. I remember sitting in the principals office with my 1st grader because he was getting suspended. again.  I was on the verge of tears. again.  His sweet teacher told me it would get better, that this was temporary, and was just a normal part of his progress.  I wanted to believe her.
The other day I ran into Ethan's Occupational/speech therapist.  She told me how much she loved Ethan!  His resource teacher told me the same thing.  His special ed teacher told me the same thing!  Next year he will be transitioned into a regular ed classroom!  Slowly, little by little the tide has pulled him along.  The tide being a team of people who loved him and didn't see him as a behavior problem, or a money pit, but a smart, funny, kid with a lot of potential.  At times when I was clouded by the challenges he faced at the present, they only saw what he would become.  
I just wish I could progress in my challenges the way Ethan has in his!  Oh to have his work ethic, will power, and desire!

What we found in the clutches of our cats razor sharp teeth!

This is what we found in the clutches of our cats teeth!

It is a brand new baby bird!  The kids witnessed her "playing" with it.  It was badly injured and looked to be on deaths door.  It was gasping for breath and it's body seemed to be filling with air!  We figured our sweet kitty must have punctured a  lunge.  We grabbed it and brought it inside.  We had no idea what to do with it.  We almost "put it out of it's misery". Then, after an hour or so it started chirping and opening it's eyes.  Then it tried crawling out of the rag we had it tucked in!  Before we knew it, it was doing this

It was hungry!  We took it as a really good sign but didn't feed it because a) we had no idea what to feed it, and b) we probably would have killed it in the process.  Today we are taking a trip to the zoo to see if the kind people there can help it!

This is the culprit.  Spring time in our family means LOTS of dead bodies!  Normally I'm quite glad she's a mouser, but sometimes I get disturbed by the things that bring her such joy!   

This is the same cat who lets our kids ride her, who lets our kids pile their toys on her and use her furry body as a setting for little people, who used to let the kids drag her by her tail when they were little and didn't know any better.  This is the same cat who loves babies and children!

This is our other cat.  I've never seen him chase anything living.  The only things he's interested in is food, sleep, and LOVE!  Notice the scratches on his face, courtesy of our other cat!  She hates him and reminds him of it every chance she gets!  He's twice her size and scared to death of her!

*UPDATE: Unfortunately we had an "incident" this morning just before we were going to take the bird to the zoo.  Lets just say that the bird is no longer hungry or in pain and is keeping grandma Bradshaw company :( and we have one distraught 5 year old . Said five year old keeps asking me if the mama bird has other babies.  She asked if when she becomes old and goes to heaven will she see the baby bird:(.  The two of us had a funeral.  We are going to keep it our little secret so if you see one of my other kids, please don't bring it up!  There's  no point in making them sad too.

  

What we found in the park

This is what we found in the park.

(Brynn took this picture.  She was having one of her lets steal the camera and take a million pictures moments.  Poor cat, who knows how hard she was squeezing her!)

We had her in our home for a little over 24 hours.

This was the kids response after we found her a new home...

Sorry guys :(  I love you!

Our Princess Had a Birthday!!

My Brynn is 5!!!  I can't believe  my Brynn is 5!!  I just gave birth to her yesterday.  I just woke up one morning and she was 5!!!

I'm going to tell you a secret... Brynn is magical! She really is!!  To her the ordinary is always imbued with powers.  A dandelion, a rock, a sea shell - all magical!!

For dinner she wanted chicken nuggets shaped like whales and dolphins, grapes, and orange chips.

I thought a beautiful magical girl should have a beautiful magical cake! 

I love my dear sweet Brynnie!  I feel so blessed to be your mom! 

Happy Birthday!

Autism Walk 2011!

I'd like to thank everyone for all of your support for Team Bradshaw!!!  As always the walk was an event to remember!  We had so much fun!!  

There's Ethan with his snow cone!  This is by no means an athletic event!  It's all about fun!  Free snow cones included!!

 Games!!

The kids thought the bounce house was pretty fantastic! 

I love this picture of Ethan's buddy Caleb!

Ethan and Caleb!

Here are some of the kids in Team Bradshaw.

Ethan, Melia Sutton, Isaac Massey, Sierra Sutton, Lorin, and Hannah Massey

Ethan, Caleb Manning and Jennifer Manning.  Caleb did not want to take a picture with the storm trooper until he was sure there was a person inside!  

Team Bradshaw!!

Back Left to right: Jennifer Manning, Sierra Sutton, Me, Janet Massey, Isaac Massey

Front left to right: Lorin, Melia Sutton, Caleb Manning, Ethan, and Hannah Massey.

Brynn threw up on the way there so Gary went home with her. We were sad they missed all the fun.

Elvis impersonator!  He was pretty awesome!

The girls dancing with Elvis!!  Long live the king!!

I invite you to join us next year.  We had such a blast!!  If you have a walk going on in your area you should totally check it out!!  They are so much fun and raise awareness for such a good cause!

Birthday,Baptism, Baseball!!

Ethan recently turned 8!!!  It was a busy, wonderful day!!

 The day began with baseball!!  It was opening ceremonies and the first game of the season!!  I LOVE Ethan's baseball team!!  I'm so glad Ethan has the opportunity to be involved and I will always sing it's praises!

Next on the agenda... Ethan's Baptism!!!! Right after baseball we rushed home, got changed and rushed to the church.  I can't even express the spirit I felt.  I can't even express the gratitude I feel that my sweet boy has made this decision, and that he can make this decision.  I'm so grateful for his growth and progress.  The room was filled with friends and family who love Ethan.  It was such a wonderful, glorious, happy baptism.  When a member of the bishopric was giving some closing remarks Ethan kept raising his hand and asking questions.  It was awesome.  I hope he always asks questions.  

My mom was able to fly in from California!!  We were so sorry my dad couldn't make it, but we loved having mom here!!

My mom got Ethan a new suit for his birthday!!!  He looked so handsome!

After the baptism a bunch of us went to Belles Chicken House!! GOOD!!

They made the birthday dress up like a chicken as they sang to him!! I think he looks very handsome.  Everyone is going to be wearing that hat next year, I just know it! 

Ethan and Caleb doing the chicken dance.  One of Ethan's all time favorites!

Brynn doing the same dance!!  Any restaurant that includes the chicken dance in the evenings entertainment is pretty fantastic.  Also, check out the pie on the metal shelves behind Brynn. I know, pretty fantastic!  

Lorin also doing the chicken dance!!  I love that she is starting to get to the agfe where she gets embarrassed about doing that kind of stuff but she went up anyway.  Love that girl!

After the restaurant we went to our dear friends, the Compton's house and ate some cake and icecream.  The cake was huge, and delicious!!  Perfect ending to a perfect day!