Today in church the teacher gave a beautiful lesson. Toward the end of the lesson she spoke on happiness and how in the midst of our trials we should find happiness in our trials. Sometimes I feel like that is an admirable quality, but, how does one do that when they have a chemical imbalance that hinders them from deciding to be happy? That's like telling a person with diabetes to decide they're going to be able to either maintain, or make glucose on their own. What if you are dealing with loss that is so piercing that deciding to be happy seems completely unrealistic? Whenever I've heard people say that I cringe a little. I would hate for any who are sad or depressed to feel guilt for feeling that way. Sometimes life is just hard. When I read the account of Job it's pretty obvious to me that he was not happy in the midst of his trial. He was depressed and had every right to be. He had lost everything, his land, his income, his family, his friends, his health. Around the time Ethan was diagnosed with Autism I experienced depression like I didn't know was even possible. I remember just wanting the sadness to just go away. I hated feeling that way. I prayed for God to just take away those feelings. As I prayed as clear as day the answer was "I can't take these feelings away. What you're going through is difficult. You are supposed to feel this way!" For some reason that was extremely comforting. I let go of all guilt. The depression lasted a long time. Years. I thought I was done feeling this way but as of late it became apparent that I am in fact still depressed. I have steadily felt better as time goes on, but every now and then it is apparent to me that I still have a ways to go before I'm back to where I once was. Having been depressed like this for the first time in my life I've learned a lot and am actually thankful for it.
Yes I've been depressed for the last 3 years, but I've also experienced incredible happiness. I didn't know it was possible. When I was first depressed my heart actually hurt. It was like I felt physical pain. Every interaction seemed unbearable. I think when people say happiness is a choice, what they mean is, don't give up on it. Keep striving for it. Stay hopeful and give credit to God for everything. I don't think Job ever gave up on happiness and I think he never forgot where the true source of happiness came from. I think when we are trying to be happy it might become easier to find. So I just kept trying to be happy. I think realizing that my response was actually normal and healthy because I was recognizing my feelings for what they were and was not shrouded in guilt helped immensely with finding happiness. I think when you are facing loss in your life depression is part of the grieving process and you have to go through it in order to ultimately heal. Just as one might have surgery to fix an old injury, it's painful, but in the end you feel so much better. I can honestly say I'm a happy person, but I do have a small ache in my heart that is always in the background. I know that as time goes on the ache will diminish more and more. I know that though the last three years have been difficult, some of the biggest blessing in my life have occurred during the last three years. I've had amazing experiences that I never thought I would have and have met amazing people that have changed my life, and our families lives forever. I wouldn't trade the last three years, the good and the bad, for anything. It's almost like it's been a sacred time of my life of growth, and learning and the pain really has helped me feel more joy.
What are your thoughts on depression and happiness? I really would like to know other's insights so please share if you are comfortable.
