Monday Monday, Can't trust that day.

 We got this nifty cassette radio while thrifting a week or two ago. It happened to come with a tape of the mama's and the papa's greatest hits. Being the only tape we have so far, we have listened to it a lot. Hudson carries it around the house and through the backyard singing all the songs- he knows them by heart already. One of the songs is Monday, Monday. Hudson listened to it for the 500th time and then asked me why some people don't like Mondays. I told him that they usually have to go back to work and that is why people don't like Mondays. He thought about that for a minute and then said, "but we like Mondays, me and you, huh?" I am kind of indifferent to Mondays so I replied yes. He smiled and said "We loooovvee Mondays." Then he went back to singing along with Mama Cass. If he likes Mondays, then I do too. Even if they tend to be recovery days from the weekend (aka mountains of laundry, pick up, dust and vacuum the backyard out of the rug days.) If I get to hang out with this little guy I am pretty happy.

Now everyday he asks me what day it is and, "why do people not like Mondays again, mama?"

My Charges

I can honestly say that I love being a mother. Yes, it has it's downsides, like: working hard all day and not having anything to show for it. Not getting praise or even getting noticed for things that you do. (I get it, I know I didn't appreciate all my mom did when I was growing up.) Having your once cultivated mind (at least I think it was cultivated- can't remember) turn to mush. . .

But there is so much good. My children are magical. (dirty and ornery, but magical all the same). Taking care of them makes me happy. Packing lunches, snuggling on the couch, watching some crazy puppet show they've put together. Finding pieces of Hudson's adventures all over the place- ropes and string tied to knobs, balls and guns packed into backpacks.

Speaking of adventure, I walked into the bathroom to find Ella and Hudson creating a boat engine out of . . . tampons. I got to talk with Ella about some interesting topics after that one. After we talked she came out into the living room and proclaimed, "I am sooooo glad I'm not 13!"

Me too.

I like it

Instagram, that is. It's the best thing since sliced bread. Or email. Or something else really genius like that.

Lil' Norah Nancy

Isn't she a doll? I can't believe she is here! My brother Chad and sister from another mother Hilary had their first baby last week, and we are all so excited. She is so beautiful and tiny and perfect. She is extra special because she is the first cousin for my kids on the Bowman side. Ella and Rory got to hold her and they thought that was pretty special. There is nothing like holding a baby, it definitely brought back memories of my little ones. I always forget how little they are!

 When asked if he wanted to hold baby Norah, Hudson replied, "But she's not a boy!" We all got a good laugh after that one. Chad and Hilary are going to be such amazing parents, we are very excited about watching their cute family grow together.

P.S. You can find me on Instagram now! (yay!) Look for bethannallen.

Sprite

Isn't she brilliant? I love her.

s'winter

It's winter here in Arizona and that means it is gorgeous and all days should be spent outside. We have been filling our hours riding bikes, attempting to fly kites, playing with friends, and jumping on the trampoline. It has been so nice. I love going days without watching any t.v. at all.

Heaven knows that is unlikely in the heat of the summer. Oh, winter, stay extra long this year!

A Different View

A view of the floor- messes and all. I have found that hardwood floors are easy to clean but HARD to keep clean. They show all kinds of hair and dust. I need to put some microfiber pads on the kids and just have them crawl around for a while- ha. Violet has been extra cute/scampy lately. When I tell her no, she puts her finger up to her mouth and shhhh's me. She tells me "don't do that" and "MINE" and  "NOOOO" and then turns around and gives kisses and asks to "nuggle." Hudson's favorite phrase is "in the heck" it can be used for pretty much any emotion- happiness, frustration, silliness, anger. Rory has become a book worm and wants to read all day and yells at everyone to be quiet. (good luck with that, it's not going to happen while children are awake) . Ella has to give me a nickel every time she tells me "come on!" after being asked to do something.

Good times at the Allen house, as usual. The good news is Jared has been looking extra handsome lately. I can't keep my hands off him. I need to go grocery shopping and do a boat load of laundry, and I've been on the search for the perfect wallpaper. Any suggestions??

Home Again Home Again Jiggity Jig

After a long hiatus- partly because I was frustrated with shopping, partly because I was trying to save every penny- I returned to thrifting again. And it was like going home. I've been buying my clothes and such second hand since I was 13 and would walk down to name-brand exchange with my girlfriends to buy the latest trends we couldn't afford- you know: Doc Martens, Lucky Jeans, Abercrombie shirts and the like.

It must have been a good time to go because I found a bunch of awesome stuff- one of them being this skirt. There is something so satisfying about finding a high quality, usually ridiculously expensive item for a few dollars. I also found some really cute shoes, including some Sperry loafers in pristine condition for 5 bucks and the cutest little dress for Violet.

Even if we are filthy rich someday (ha) I think there will always be a place in my heart for the thrift store.

Sparks were Flying

Before heading to the fabulous New Years party at the Bagley's this year, we lit up the night sky with sparklers, and the grass only caught on fire once. We all learned, loved, and lost in 2012. Ella lost her 2 front teeth, Rory learned how to read, Hudson loved to play with all the 4 year old boys on our street (there are 4 of them besides him) and Violet learned how to express herself with words.

I learned a plethora of things, mostly about myself like I've said before. I've also learned that I am no good at meal planning and budgeting. I've learned that the best way for me to parent is to show love, teach, and then let the kids be.  I'm not sure what Jared has learned, but he has loved the music of 2012. (if you are interested in a copy of his annual mix, let me know.)

Afterwards, we got dressed up like Adam and Millie and I got to hear my handsome husband belt out a few lines of "bless your beautiful hide" which if you know Jared- he never sings. It was a treat. And for the 3rd year in a row we actually stayed up until midnight! We aren't as boring and old as you might think.

A Series of Events

Rory, Ella and I in 2005.

There is no magical formula,  no phenomenon, no ceremony or special circumstance when it comes to recovering from an eating disorder. At least it was not that way for me. It was a gradual process, a series of unplanned but also very particular events that helped me to plant my feet on the road of recovery. It is not the same for everyone- in fact, for every single person who struggles it is different. I cannot say what will work for others, but I want to share what helped me:


1. I met Jared, who loved me unconditionally despite my faults and told me so.  He still tells me. He loves me more without make-up, doesn't care what my chest size is (or isn't) and thinks I am sexy in my oldest pair of  jeans and a t-shirt. He put the idea in my head that I was enough just the way I was. What an important thing to believe!


2. I hit rock bottom. No, this is not fun. It sucks really really really really bad. But it has to happen. I love this quote and think it fits perfectly: 

Deep in the wintry parts of our minds, we are hardy stock and know there is no such thing as a work-free transformation. We know that we will have to burn to the ground in one way or another, and then sit right in the ashes of who we once thought we were and go on from there.

-Clarissa Pinkola Estés

In any addiction, it is often (but not always) necessary to hit this point before getting better. It was the case for me and it is the case in all of the other people I have seen recover from addictions.

3. I had to be honest with myself and to others. I had to admit that I had a problem and that I couldn't deal with it myself. This is hard. Addictions, especially eating disorders, have a big ugly stigma attached. Vanity, obsessive, crazy, and sick are just a few words associated with them. Eating disorders by nature are shrouded and entwined in dishonesty. The simple act of admitting the problem is the first step in breaking the chains.

4. Learning to just be. For me, it took moving far from home to Kansas to learn this. Living in the Midwest among people who knew how to enjoy the simple things in life made me realize that I didn't need to prove anything by being busy all the time. I could sit and enjoy the day I was in. This was huge for me and I still try to make a conscious effort to incorporate it into my life and the life of my children. 

5. Putting my trust in the Lord. Not purging after a binge. Trusting it would be okay. Realizing I was just hungry, not an overindulgent slob. Previously I always tried to break the cycle MY way by thinking I could somehow never binge again. It was hard and scary, but breaking the cycle from the other end- the purge end- is what finally did it. 

6. Serving others. More specifically, sacrificing to have my children. Giving up my time and energy to raise them has helped me get out of the self-centered pity party I was in. This does not mean that I don't do things I enjoy or take care of myself. It means that I learned how to care for others instead of obsessing about myself. 

7. Redefining perfection. In the Mormon culture especially, we often confuse being perfect with never making mistakes. Being perfect, I believe, is more a state of mind and intentions than doing everything right. I am a perfectionist. I am fighting it, I don't want to be a perfectionist. I want to be a hard worker and to put my best efforts into the things that I do, but being a perfectionist is more than that. It is unhealthy and a set-up for failure. It lowers the quality of life and damages relationships. 


8. Seeing a therapist. This was really important in my recovery. My therapist specialized in eating disorders and knew what I was thinking and feeling even when I did not. She pointed a lot of things out to me that were crucial for me to know in my recovery. Things that were pretty obvious but for some reason I just couldn't see until she helped me. She told me it was okay to feel, to express anger, to talk about my emotions. 


9. Sharing my story. This is a reminder to myself to stay on top of my health and to have healthy coping mechanisms. I believe I went through all of that crap for a reason- even though I would never believe that at the time- I hope that some good can come out of it.

I 100% believe that recovery is possible. I know it is. Eating Disorders are complex things, but with help and faith and hope they can be harnessed and eventually eliminated from lives. I truly believe in the 12 step program. It is amazing and I think everyone- tangible addictions or not- can learn so much from it. 


Read more about me and ED here.

Favorite Pictures Part II

My mountain man.

On a hike.

To Jump or not to jump.

We all fit! and Violets face is a blur.

First irrigation for the little miss

4th of July. It was hot.

Love this picture of my kids.

Sunscreen anyone?

Mesa Fro-yo, a summer tradition of many, many years.

What do we do when it is hot and we are bored? Make a fan tent.

Art Classes.

The big day.

Silly boy that I love.

mothering.

playing peek-a-boo with Levi

My Birthday serenade.

Sisters slurping through a soda.

Blank stare and a balloon.

Planting the winter garden.

New glasses.

Sisters.

Fire roasts in the backyard.

Shrimp Scamp-y

Boy. 

Rory has a good idea.

Posing.

Halloween!

Fall baking.

Cooler weather+ PARK.

Dinner at Green with the Bagleys

More boy.

I paint, he paints.

Sitting on the porch.

My sweet potato vines and cute house.

Betrothed.

A league of her own.

Bestest Besties.

Kansas!

Grandpa and Hudson.

Rory is content.

Decking the halls.

Loving on this cherub.

Christmas shopping with a cute lil man.

She's a pensive reader.

Joyful mess.

Little hands.

Magic.

 I am grateful for this year-2011.  I think of it as the year of learning. I have learned so much about myself, my shortcomings, my strengths, what is important in my life. I adore my family, they are everything to me. I am grateful for my friends and loved ones. I am glad that I can learn from my mistakes, that some good can come out of them!  I am grateful for kind people who help others. I want 2012 to be a year of simplifying, of narrowing down the things that matter most. I want to love more and to help others more. I want to laugh more than ever before.

I want to grow our family. I want to get Jared through school. I want to be grateful everyday.

Welcome welcome, 2012!