Scratching my way to forgiveness

It's May, that means crazy busy days filled with concerts, ceremonies, and field trips. Some days I meet myself coming and going. Yesterday, I put my shoes on at 8:15 AM and did not take them off until after 10:00 PM. Man, were my feet happy to be free!

Today was no different. I picked up Matthew at 1:00, deposited him at tennis lessons at 2:00 and had to be at Middle School at 2:20 to chaperone End of the Year bingo. As they were playing, one sweet 6th grader said, "I feel like a senior citizen today." Kids are funny. I had not prepared myself for the craziness that would ensue. But Bingo is not the point of my post, so I digress.

I went straight to the school after dropping Matthew off at lessons so I was a little early. The district had the landscapers there maintaining the grounds. I was checking my messages when a landscaper walked behind my van carrying a weed eater. He hit it. My Van. With his weed eater. I looked into my rearview mirror and he didn't even stop. To say I was irritated was an understatement. I flung open my door and began walking my van. When I got to the back I found the lovely scratch. The landscaper had exchanged his weed eater with a leaf blower, and was heading back my way.

He saw me rubbing quite vigorously. He stopped and asked, "is everything ok ma'am?" I gave him a very short NO. He asked, "Is that a scratch?" I gave him a very short YES. He asked, "did I do that?" Again, I answered yes. (I didn't want him to get confused by lengthy answers.) The next thing he said was, "It's not coming out is it?" My vigorous rubbing was his answer. Then, very aprehensively, he added: "do you want me to go get my manager?" At that point I finally stood up and looked at him.

He looked to be the age of my oldest son. Working honestly, but awfully hard, as a landscaper. He was nervous. He was taking ownership for his carelessness. After all, who knows what kind of repercussions he would face after his manager took care of this scratch. And in that moment I had a choice to make. I could demand to speak to his manager. I could require them to pay for a good body shop to buff it out. Or I could forgive him and let him off scott free, leaving me someone else to pay for the damage.

I decided to forgive him. I looked at him, and told him that he did not need to go get his manager. I understood accidents happen, but he needed to be more aware of his surroundings as he carried that equipment. The relief flooded his face. His shoulders relaxed, and he said "yes ma'am. I will. I'm sorry. Thank you ma'am."

The scratch isn't gone, but I have to tell you that I felt better. He was careless, he caused damage, he should be held liable. So how do I feel better letting him off? Because I have a son his age, and when he was 16 his first job was landscaping one summer. It was hard work. He got up at 6 AM 5 days a week and got home at 6 PM every night. He lifted heavy equipment with his scrawny 16 year old arms. He dropped trashcans full of grass trying to lift them into the dumpster. He handled equipment that was worth more than he made all summer. And I would hope that someone would do the same for him, if he had done such a thing.

And...my Father did the same thing for me. He sent Christ to die on the cross and pay the penalty for my sin, and he did it because He loves me, because He knew I could never pay the cost. On most days I am far from being like my Father. I get irritated, I am impatient, I judge people unfairly, etc., etc., etc.  But today, I hope He was pleased. I hope He looked at me and said, "She's not a lost cause after all."

Who knew a scratch in my bumper would teach me so much? Would it be crazy to say, I'm thankful for this moment? It taught me that forgiveness costs someone...always. It taught me that God is growing me, and some things are sticking. And tonight, I will be praying for that young man, in the hopes that today taught him something too.

Definition of Insanity

I love funny videos. I love cute videos. I tend to search for such light stuff when I've had a bad day. Show me a video of cats jumping away from cucumbers and I will laugh for hours...okay maybe I won't really laugh for hours, but my mood is lightened. Show me a cute kid video and my faith in humanity is restored.

So today when I watched this clip my mood was instantly lifted, so much so that I thought..."if watching it one time makes me feel a little better, watching it multiple times should cheer me up through next week." And I watched it again, and decided that I needed to have the same determination as this baby. He just wasn't giving up. Then I watched a third time, and I had a revelation.

I wonder if I look that way when I keep trying to do something the same way over and over again. I mean this baby was to be admired.  He was struggling to put his foot in his boot, but he didn't give up. He could have gotten it on so much easier if he would have changed the approach or asked for help, but he looked so cute trying it this way. By the third time watching I was actually kind of upset with the videographer. You can hear her laughing in the background as she films. And the child is so aware of her presence that he laughs with her. Now, before you lash out at me and tell me I am being too harsh, the mom is just capturing a sweet moment, I am not condemning the mom. Her child is precious, and she caught a precious moment when her child was trying something new.

But it made me think about how this video is a parallel to my life. How I struggle to conquer something and when it doesn't work the first time, I go right back at it...using the same methods...and I fail again. All the while I am smiling at my attempts. And I notice the well meaning people around me also laughing at me. It makes me think that they are there to cheer me on in my endeavors so I give it another heave-ho. And...you guessed it...I fail again.

I wonder if God watches me the way I watched this video for the third time. Thinking to Himself, "she could conquer Fill-in-the-blank so much faster if she just asked for help." The Bible is pretty straight forward about this: As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly. Proverbs 26:11 

So every time I keep trying to lose weight by starving myself for 6 weeks, I am repeating a pattern that I know won't work for me. That's just one example, and maybe a poor one, but hopefully you get the point. God doesn't want me to keep making the same mistakes. He doesn't want by-standers to laugh at me. He wants to help me. He wants to cheer for me because I have succeed! That sounds so much better than the shallow laughter of the watching world.

I need to get so much better at taking the boot straight to my Father after the first attempt. He's told me that He will help me.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

If the Lord delights in a man's way, He makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand. Psalm 37:23-24

I have His assurance that when I take him my issues, my hang-ups, my struggles, my shortcomings, He WILL help me, but there must be action on my part. I must get up and take Him the boot. I've got a lot of work to do on myself. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you find yourself in the same place. If you do, be encouraged...He's patiently waiting. And I promise, when I see you coming I won't laugh.

The Unappreciated Gift

Today I gave a gift I really didn't want to give. That sounds silly doesn't it? I mean who BUYS a gift knowing that it is a gift, but yet ends up not wanting to GIVE said gift? Who does that? Ummm...me (sheepishly raising my hand).

Some people give very specific gifts because there is a sentimental attachment.  For example, an older married couple may give every newly married couple a picture album because they themselves got one when they were married and filled it with lots of memories. Or an older Christian may choose to give a newer Christian a very specific Bible because that specific Bible helped them grow into the believer they are. We become creatures of habit that way. I have a friend who likes to give new moms hooded bath towels, because if you've ever had a child you know there never seem to be enough, especially in the beginning. I am the same way. I have a specific gift for specific times.

And usually, when you give a gift you have a relationship with the receiver, and the better, the more personal the gift, the closer the relationship. For me this gift was personal.  It was picked out with love. When I looked at it, it reminded me of very precious memories. And the person receiving this gift held a very special place in our family for a long time.

But times change, and sometimes our choices take us in different directions. That is exactly the case in this situation. And I know what you are thinking..."well, if this person held such a special place before, then give the gift remembering that." And I should, but I also give it knowing that as I give it I will never get to see the joy this gift brings. I guess I'm mourning the change in the relationship. I'm mourning the fact that, to this person, this gift may not ever mean to them what it means to me. That leads me to feeling stupid for ever opening up my heart to this relationship. I mean why would I share something that is so personal to my family with someone who will never love me like family again? So giving this gift is stupid, it's unappreciated, it's wasted. Those are the thoughts running through my head.

Then I think about Someone else who gave a gift without expecting anything in return, knowing some people would refuse to receive it, appreciate it, or recognize the great love with which it was given.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him would not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16

I think that is where I would draw the line. Seriously. Giving my gift was hard enough. There's no way someone could convince me to give one of my sons for the whole world. Yet, God did. He gave His ONLY Son, so I could have a chance at eternal life.  Without His gift I would never be able to spend eternity with Him.  God saw me in my messed up, self-centered, selfish state and said, "I'll give my Son for you. Maybe someday you'll appreciate it. Maybe someday you will fully understand the cost this gift brought."

And I think I do understand, not completely like I should. I have a long way to go before I am at that level, but everyday that I open my eyes, I  realize how much I am loved by my Heavenly Father, and that makes me want to be more like Him.

So I gave the gift, and I said a prayer of blessing as I let it go. May the receiver someday come to know the depth of love that is attached to that gift.  May the receiver look at it and know it was given with great sacrifice. And more than anything, at some point, may the receiver look at it and see a greater love than mine, the love of the Father. If my measly little gift does that some day, then the hurt associated with releasing it will all be worth it.

The Wish List

It's been a while since I've made time to sit down and post on this old thing.  But as was always the case, it was something simply profound that my child did to make me dust the cob webs off. My littlest man will be celebrating a birthday in less than a month.  I've always been big on gift lists.  Give me some ideas of what you want for your special day...it makes things SOOOO much easier.  In years past, his list was much smaller.  For one he was younger, and for two he couldn't write as well! But this year was different.  He brought me an entire page of gift ideas.  Some things, like embroidery string, as super inexpensive. Others, like a nook and digital camera are most likely out of our price range.  Good thing he doesn't read my blog! :) I saw his list and thought, "Wow he has some nerve". Then, as it sank in I thought, Wow, he has some nerve." He was comfortable with bringing me that list because I am his mom, because we have a deep relationship with one another, because he knows where good things come from. 

Then I thought about the lists I take to God, and the attitude with which I take them. Hebrews 4:16 tells us to come BOLDLY to the throne of our Gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find the grace to help us when we need it most. James 4:2 tells us we "have not because we ask not." Matthew 7:7 says, "Ask and it will be given to you..." Now these verses are not saying that if I ask for a million dollars, God will give it to me just because I asked.  It doesn't work that way.

But my child knew who to give his wish list to: not his 5th grade teacher, not our next door neighbor, not his big brother, not his pastor, but his parents.  And he did it with boldness. He realized that if never asked for a nook, he would never get a nook. I think God wants that same devotion from me. He doesn't want me to go to my best friend for peace with a difficult family member.  He doesn't want me to bring my petitions to Him half heartedly. He wants me to come with boldness, with confidence that if He is for me who can be against me.  (Romans 8:31). So that hurt that I am struggling to forgive, the trust I am afraid to extend, the kindness I have a hard time pouring out, God wants me to bring my list to Him, with Boldness. He can give me those things that no one else can. And the difference between my list and Noah's is that MY Father has unlimited resources, nothing is too great for Him.

So I think I'm going to sit down and make my list. Then I'm going to take it to God, and I'm going to stand back and watch Him work it all out. Because if I, who am imperfect, can give good things to Noah, how much more will my Father in Heaven pour out on me?