It's been an absolutely overwhelming week. I feel as though Satan has walked over me, stomped on me, run me over, backed up over me, and then pounded me down a few times just to be sure I can't get back up. I lost my baby brother to a lifelong battle with cancer 28 years ago. Not since then has a death been so hard for me to accept. However, my grandma's death has been a repeat of that time when I lost my brother all those years ago. From the time I remember having memories, until I was about 14 years old I spent every weekend with my grandma. When I got older, she loved on my children and never made me feel like an interruption. But Tuesday August 16, 2011 the Lord called her home. And the last thing I told her was I love her. I'm so glad I had those last few moments, but I wish I had made them more meaningful. I wish I would have said thank you for all she gave for me. I wish I would have said I am sorry for all the times I was mean to her or short with her. I wish, I wish, I wish.
As I sat at the funeral home, the director came in to ask if I was okay. I wasn't. I was there by myself waiting for visitation to be over. I poured my heart out to him. I shared with him how sad I was that I was not there for her more. I shared my grief at never again having to rush her off the phone because my dinner was burning, or because my children were late for their soccer/tennis/band practice. He was amazingly sympathetic, and after I was all done he shared his wisdom with me. I am forever grateful for those quiet moments just he, my grandma, and I. And while the pain is still there and some days feels like a thousand knives cutting deep into my heart, I know it won't always feel this way. I've lost loved ones before. But there was always the knowledge that they were suffering. There was always the time to say those deep, unspoken things. So I never had a great need to meditate on these thoughts. I know people said them to me, but I was at peace with saying good-bye all the times before. So I did not need to dwell on those words. I just simply filed them away. But this is the first time God called someone whom I loved so much back home so suddenly. And I needed to recall these words. I never expected to be receiving them from a funeral director, but I needed them. I was broken, I was guilt ridden, I was hurting and then he spoke:
*It's okay to cry.
*Pain is a natural feeling.
*Death is a natural occurrence.
*It's okay to remember the funny things about your loved one.
*And it's okay to laugh about them.
*And after you laugh about them it's okay to cry about them.
*The tears won't last forever.
*Thinking about other things doesn't mean that you have forgotten about your loved one.
*No amount of time you spend with your loved one will stop death from coming for them.
*Sometimes death is kinder than what would've remained for your loved one here.
*The sadness that comes with death is ours--not our loved one's--they are busy enjoying Jesus.
*The best way to honor your loved one's memory is to keep living.
*We'll make it back to them eventually.
I will carry those few moments with me until the Lord calls me home. I needed them that night, and I have needed them many nights since then. And I truly believe the funeral director spoke them because my grandma was sitting next to her Father and saw me hurting. I can see her leaning over to the Lord and saying "Comfort her. Let her know it's okay." So God sent Robert. And I will be forever grateful that He did.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Sausage vs. Chicken
Patience...it's something we try instilling in our kids from a very young age. We tell them to take turns with the toys, wait for the cookies to cool from the oven, stand in line for a turn on the slide...all examples of how to learn patience. But it's a hard lesson to grasp for such little minds. I like to think that I am a master at being patient. I mean I don't rip the remote out of my husbands hand when he's watching a major league football game just so I can watch my shows. Even though it is tempting. I don't cut in front of the elderly man pushing a walker at Wal-Mart as it takes him a good 20 minutes to write out his check. Wonder if he knows most banks offer debit cards now. And I certainly don't run the red light, even though I am in a hurry and could really SQUEAK through. So I've go it mastered right?
Then why is it the other night I choose to eat an entire sausage wrap, when I knew dinner was only an hour away. It was a good dinner too. Grilled chicken with squash and zucchini, potato salad and baked beans. Yet, somehow that sausage wrap sounded SO good at the time. I knew full well that there was something better coming--in only an hour. I knew I would not waste away if I waited just sixty minutes more. But, because I am still weak, because my patience isn't stronger I ate the sausage wrap. Now it was good, and it didn't kill me, but it did make me so full that I didn't enjoy the grilled chicken as much. And I have to admit that as soon as I stuffed the last bit of sausage wrap into my mouth I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me. I didn't feel shame, but I certainly saw the lesson God tries to teach me every day. And as I chewed that last little bit of sausage and tortilla, it became harder to swallow.
I look at the stories of impatience in the bible and see what it cost. Man the price for impatience is HIGH. The Israelites refused to be patient while Moses was up on the mountain and decided to create their own god to worship (Exodus 32:1), he came back down and man did all heck and tablets break loose (Exodus 32:19)! In Genesis 15 God tells Abram that He would give Abram's descendants the land. By Genesis 16 Abram's wife Sarai is so impatient that she takes things into her own hands and orders Abram to have offspring with her servant. And, if you're a believer, you know how that ended up. Haggar, the servant, was mistreated during her pregnancy by Sarai and ran away causing division. Division that to this day still causes strife. Then there's Job, even though he was losing everything he sat patiently. Waiting for the Lord to deliver him from it all. And boy did he ever. God restored Job's fortune, and then DOUBLED it (Job 42:10-11). Or what about Hannah? She wanted a child more than anything. In some ways she was like Sarai. But in many ways she wasn't. She cried and prayed. She prayed so hard in fact that the temple priest thought she was drunk. This heart ache went on for years. (1 Samuel 1:17). But she waited patiently on the Lord. And as a result she not only had one child , but SIX! 1 Samuel 2:26.
So I think there is a lesson here. When we wait on the Lord, when we exercise patience, what He gives is always MORE than we even had or asked for in the first place. It's still a lesson that I have not achieved, but I hope that I have learned enough to at least wait for the Grilled Chicken next time. What about you...what is God asking you to wait for? Trust Him with it--He's only making it better.
God can do anything, you know--far more than you could ever imagine, or guess, or request in your wildest dreams. Ephesians 3:20
Then why is it the other night I choose to eat an entire sausage wrap, when I knew dinner was only an hour away. It was a good dinner too. Grilled chicken with squash and zucchini, potato salad and baked beans. Yet, somehow that sausage wrap sounded SO good at the time. I knew full well that there was something better coming--in only an hour. I knew I would not waste away if I waited just sixty minutes more. But, because I am still weak, because my patience isn't stronger I ate the sausage wrap. Now it was good, and it didn't kill me, but it did make me so full that I didn't enjoy the grilled chicken as much. And I have to admit that as soon as I stuffed the last bit of sausage wrap into my mouth I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me. I didn't feel shame, but I certainly saw the lesson God tries to teach me every day. And as I chewed that last little bit of sausage and tortilla, it became harder to swallow.
I look at the stories of impatience in the bible and see what it cost. Man the price for impatience is HIGH. The Israelites refused to be patient while Moses was up on the mountain and decided to create their own god to worship (Exodus 32:1), he came back down and man did all heck and tablets break loose (Exodus 32:19)! In Genesis 15 God tells Abram that He would give Abram's descendants the land. By Genesis 16 Abram's wife Sarai is so impatient that she takes things into her own hands and orders Abram to have offspring with her servant. And, if you're a believer, you know how that ended up. Haggar, the servant, was mistreated during her pregnancy by Sarai and ran away causing division. Division that to this day still causes strife. Then there's Job, even though he was losing everything he sat patiently. Waiting for the Lord to deliver him from it all. And boy did he ever. God restored Job's fortune, and then DOUBLED it (Job 42:10-11). Or what about Hannah? She wanted a child more than anything. In some ways she was like Sarai. But in many ways she wasn't. She cried and prayed. She prayed so hard in fact that the temple priest thought she was drunk. This heart ache went on for years. (1 Samuel 1:17). But she waited patiently on the Lord. And as a result she not only had one child , but SIX! 1 Samuel 2:26.
So I think there is a lesson here. When we wait on the Lord, when we exercise patience, what He gives is always MORE than we even had or asked for in the first place. It's still a lesson that I have not achieved, but I hope that I have learned enough to at least wait for the Grilled Chicken next time. What about you...what is God asking you to wait for? Trust Him with it--He's only making it better.
God can do anything, you know--far more than you could ever imagine, or guess, or request in your wildest dreams. Ephesians 3:20
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
