Fertility

 I miscarried.  At 9 weeks.  Hurts to write those words.  Dallin and I were surprised to find out we were expecting again the end of January.  Shocked actually.  It wasn't planned and knowing our history, couldn't believe it.  The ONE time we weren't careful.  

It was pretty much the worst timing ever.  I would have been due October 9.  Which meant I would be too far along to cruise with my family to Alaska (which is silly but I was pretty upset about it), and my mom is leaving for Europe for almost three weeks on October 10.  I have Katy Perry tickets for September 29 and I could have a baby by then so there were just a lot of logistics to figure out once the initial shock wore off.  All silliness but still.

We decided to tell our families pretty immediately so they could make cruise cancellations.  After telling our families, we started to get a lot more excited.  And nervous.  To have a 19-month-old and a new baby?  I was thinking about possibly being pregnant around the holidays but to actually HAVE a baby by then?  Insanity.  But what was ironic about the whole thing was that I had just started praying to God to let us know when we should add to our family and bam! I was pregnant.  We put our faith in the Lord's timing and everything started to fall into place.  My dad was able to find our exact cruise for the week before I would have been to far along to cruise, and called and booked it, no change fees.  Called the airlines, they usually charge a $200/pp change fee which they waived because of me, and the flight was actually cheaper so he got $500 back!  He was ecstatic.  I really felt like this was meant to be and I thought even though this wasn't my plan, this was perfect.  I wouldn't be used to sleeping through the night yet and I would just continue on my baby duties without skipping a beat.  We even took pictures at Zoey's one-year photo shoot for a future announcement - I love the crying one.

On February 16 we went to the Health Spot to mainly do a dating ultrasound and to see the heartbeat like we did with Zoey.  Also to calm my nerves.  That first trimester is rough and I'm a Nervous Nelly.  And this pregnancy was a bit different.  I would wake up in the middle of the night STARVING and kept crackers at my bedside to help.  I was always just so, so, hungry.  Along with the fatigue.  But my chest didn't hurt, the nausea never really kicked in, my symptoms started dwindling; I was being prepared.

At the ultrasound they started abdominally then quickly moved to vaginally.  I couldn't see the screen from where the tech was in the small room but noticed the nurse kept looking at the tech - and he was silent.  I asked what he saw and he said he saw the gestational sac but nothing else.  No fetal pole, no yolk sac - nothing.  They measured the sac and it was measuring around 5 weeks and told me my dates were probably off and had me do an HCG and Progesterone.  Those came back at 6643 and 13.1 respectively, which are all normal ranges and wanted me to come back in a couple days to recheck.  At the recheck they had gone up but not doubled.  Nobody seemed that concerned.

I knew something was wrong.  Even if my dates were off, they weren't THAT off.  I had kind of thrown in the towel.  When the ultrasound came back inconclusive from the radiologist, I allowed myself to be cautiously optimistic but very realistic as well.  I prayed to Heavenly Father that if this wasn't going to work out, to put me out of my misery and let the process happen so we could all start moving on.  The next day I started spotting then it stopped.  Started again a couple days later then stopped.  I called my OB and they had me go in for an ultrasound at the hospital on the 24th.

We were super surprised to see a little blob the second the tech placed the wand on my belly.  There was even a heartbeat!  Man, we went from so low to being so happy, and SHOCKED!  She measured and told me I was measuring 5 weeks and 6 days when I should have been 7 1/2 weeks.  They told me my dates were wrong.  The heartbeat was low at 80 but said that isn't entirely uncommon this early in the game.  The radiologist did see a partial hemorrage in the placenta which was why I was spotting and told me to take it extra easy that week and the placenta frequently corrects itself.  Dallin started to get really excited again.  I was still not convinced everything was ok.  The dates still didn't make sense.

We had to go back again a week later on the 3rd.  They started with a girl doing her clinicals and she quickly went and got the tech.  I couldn't see the blob anymore.  They told me it's still so early but I could tell by their measurements that it was saying I was only 6 weeks.  I knew it was bad.  The baby had only grown 1 day in 1 week.  To even measure the heartbeat I had to hold my breath.  It was down to 50.  Our dreams were shattered again.  They finished up quickly and told me the doctor would be in touch shortly.  I knew what they were going to say but the words "failed pregnancy" are devastating no matter how kindly they're put.  We were just waiting for the heart to stop and my body to expel.

The rollercoaster of the last few weeks has been horrific.  To go from grieving this baby, to having hope, to losing it again is something I wouldn't wish on anybody.  As someone put it, you go through all of these plans to what they're going to be for Halloween to where to put two children to having that all shattered.  A loss is a loss.  It's been hard on both of us.  Many tears have been shed and we hug Zoey a little tighter.  We're so blessed to have her and hope against hopes that one day we'll be blessed with the opportunity of having another baby.  

It's been so interesting to be on both sides, the infertile side, then the fertile not-even-trying side.  I did end up bonding quickly with this one and then felt so empty inside.  Here I was still pregnant knowing my baby was dying inside of me and there was nothing I could do about it.  For over two weeks.  For all those who have ever experienced this, I'm sorry, it sucks.  And there is nothing anybody can say to make it better.  I sobbed the hardest I'd sobbed in a while.  You feel such disappointment, such sorrow and heart break.  And know those around you who were excited now feel the same just it makes it worse.  It's hard - to shoulder the burden of fertility, then pregnancy and now loss.  Not that it was my fault or did anything wrong but it's so confusing.  I don't understand why this had to happen, when it had to happen, how it had to happen.  I thought it was a test of the Lord's timing when we were pregnant, and it is even more so now in the loss. :(  Maybe I'll never know the reason, and hope to get healing soon.

First Birthday Party

With a Valentine's birthday, why wouldn't you have a heart-themed party?  It was so easy for me to pick up stuff wherever I went to decorate and found so many cute things at Dollar Tree.  I made a last-minute decision to print up some pictures of her one-year photo shoot we did the weekend before and put some pics on the table.  If I do say so myself, it turned out so much cuter than I had imagined in my head.

Besides the heart decorations, we had heart-shaped ham salad sandwiches, chips, salad, a veggie tray, heart-shaped Rice Krispie treats, Valentine's sweet Chex mix, heart-shaped cupcakes, and white chocolate dipped pink wafer cookies.  We had only immediate family and a few close baby friends of Zoey over.  It was seriously so much fun.  After running my fool head off for 2 days to get everything baked, set up and executed, I was exhausted but it was worth every minute.  I think Zoey had a great time too.

I baked her a heart-shaped cake to go crazy with.  I tried my hand at piping roses for the first time.  They didn't turn out too terrible but the house got so warm and the frosting runny, that a whole side of roses fell off but I don't think people noticed.  Note to self - the 1M tip is the best, learn how to buy a piping bag that fits that particular tip, plastic baggies with holes cut in them for tips can explode pink frosting everywhere, and figure this all out before one hour before the party next time.  haha  Those roses also use a TON of frosting, so glad I bought three tubs and it barely worked.

In the last couple weeks Zoey has learned how to feed herself so her cake wasn't a disaster.  She dug right in!  She did try to touch the lit candle but luckily didn't succeed.  She was up to her elbows in hot pink frosting and white cake.  Luckily we took her shirt off so it was easy to pop her in the tub (especially after her dad decided she needed some frosting in her hair).  

She was so spoiled by her grandmas and grandpas and got a singing, light-up rocking giraffe, some puzzles, some wooden fruit (she's obsessed with carrying around real lemons so now she has a wooden one), an Elmo piano book, some new clothes and shoes, a Cabbage Patch doll, a Balloonacorn, a twist and pop-up toy and a dolly.

Everything just turned out so much better than I planned and it was seriously perfect.  There is no other way I would have wanted to celebrate my little sweetheart than with a heart party surrounded by family.  Can't believe she's one.

Baby: 12 Months - ONE YEAR!

Somehow Valentine's Day just snuck up on me and my baby is officially one year old.  Incredible.  I really can't believe it because birthing her is still so fresh in my mind, it feels like just yesterday.  Zoey is just such a sweet and loveable baby.  She stops people in her tracks with her big blue eyes and easy smile.  She is a good baby.  At one year she:

Blows raspberries when asked what Dada says.

Is starting to feed herself everything, which means lots of toys going in the mouth now too.

Finally started to crawl normally!  Well, sorta.  She'll just do a few little pushes then bum scoots or rolls over.

Hates to fold her arms for prayer.

Finally moved out of our room into a big girl crib in the family room.

Loves to give her stuffed animals hugs and kisses.

Will open her mouth when asked so I can see how much food she has in there.

Is still refluxing.  We have a swallow study at Primary's on Thursday which will hopefully give us more answers - wish us luck.

Is attached to my hip.

Started swimming lessons and LOVES it.

Can "brush" her hair.

She's obsessed with pigs and points them out in all her books and picks them out of all her toys.

Puts any and all toys up to her ear like a phone then makes me do the same.  Also makes me give all the stuffed animals loves too after she does.

Is pretty strong-willed and want what she wants when she wants it.

Still not sleeping great and refuses to take naps in her bed.  We're working on sleep training - going to be a long haul.

Loves little kids.

Hates her car seat still and tries to push herself out of it until she's red in the face.

Is starting to show some independence.

Pulls herself up on her knees quite handily now and sometimes to her feet.

Loves balloons and bubbles.

Is so beautiful and fun.  We feel so very blessed to have her in our family.  She is loved by so many people and loves them right back.  Can't believe she's been in our home for a whole year!

Formula & Flu

My poor little baby has suffered from reflux probably from the time she was born.  At about 2 weeks and choking, I had had enough.  We switched from Enfamil Newborn to Enfamil AR and added Prevacid.  The Prevacid seemed to help the acid but hurt her tummy as it blocked any and all acid which is needed in digestion.  I switched her to an Organic, lactose-free Baby's Only LactoRelief.  It seemed to do the trick for a while and even clear up her eczema!  But as time wore on, she was still gurgling and it wasn't working quite as well, plus it was upsetting her tummy quite a bit.

I switched her to Nutramigen - the mildest, almost pre-digested formula (and EXPENSIVE) out there.  It smells like poo.  She wouldn't touch it.  So I mixed it 75/25 then 50/50 with the Baby's Only for a while until she got used to it.  Then we made the switch!  It is also lactose-free and seemed to do the trick!  Until the gurgling started again and the puking, oh the puking, in the last month.  Granted, there has been a flu bug we've been sharing around here but this was every other day for the last 3 weeks.  Not just spit up, but projectile vomiting of ounces.  Zoey's lost a full pound this month between sicknesses and vomiting.  I was really concerned and booked an appointment with a gastroenterologist.  As luck would have it, the lady I wanted to see at Primary's (my mom highly recommended her) was booked out until April, but had an opening the very next day.  I jumped at it!

My mom and Dallin ended up having to take her as I came down with the flu the night before.  The lady gave us some really good suggestions, that the Nutramigen is just too thin, that is why it is coming up, and so powerfully, so we've started mixing her bottles with sweet potatoes and oatmeal.  The first few nights, I think she got acid at night from the sweet potatoes so I've switched to oatmeal. It is working wonders.  Zoey also has sluggish digestion so they put her on a medicine for 6-8 weeks to retrain her gut on how to empty properly and in a timely fashion, and it is also an antihistamine which should clear up some of the eczema that has reappeared.  I've been really pleased with the results.  I feel horrible that it's taken us almost 12 months to get her squared away and feeling better.  She actually slept through the night last night for the first time in weeks again!!

She was born into a family with a history of acid reflux and bad digestion, it was just so frustrating because they said she'd grow out of it at 4-5 months, then 12 and nothing was getting better.  So I'm glad for her.  Angel baby never really cried through the acid either, she'd just swallow it back down and go on her way.  I can't imagine how miserable she's been.  I'm terrified to start her on adult food in a couple weeks at 12 months since she has such a sensitive tummy.  I'm going to avoid as much dairy as possible and put her on almond milk.  It's going to be interesting but I'll take what I can get right now!