high on the waves you make for us

I was on my way home and I had played Deftones' 4th album (self-titled) on cassette.

The rain was pouring non-stop since lunch, my feet and hands are near frozen, the traffic was as sh*tty as if it's weekend, 'Anniversary of An Uninteresting Event' came on, and I didn't turn into a manic-depressive state.

I felt so alive instead.

hilarious stuffs happened after you've gone through 'em

Oh shoot.. I forgot again to transfer the photos to my laptop. Anyway..

This morning when me and Miss Bien were doing girl-talk, the radio surprisingly played my break-up song. I don't think the song is one of those radio-hits, because I've never heard it before on the radio. It was 'Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken' by Camera Obscura.

Do you want to know what his is?

Bob Marley's 'Redemption Song'.

So as I finished gazing at the past visuals and sounds, I share and laugh at them as usual.

oh brother..

Yes, I am now safely tucked away in the daily reality called Bandung. And I'm cheating on the jet lag and the preparation for my graduation. I am so sleepy at the right time, but unfortunately the right time is actually has to be spent for preparing the graduation dress, the shoes, the arrangements, and whatnots. And I am sleepy now..

But before I go to bed, I'd love to write out what my thought has brought me to today. I found out that living without expecting that someone will be always by your side (e.g.: a boyfriend, true eternal best friend, any close familial relative, etc.), without someone whom you feel you have social and intimate obligation to, and without adding or degrading value and meaning of what people do to you is a blessed and freer living. And my word, perception is the most delicate thing ever in human relation and it could make our eyes blind, near-sighted or far-sighted.

Bye bye now.. Pictures will come soon. ;)

just before i forgot..

Before I went off to sleep last night, I spent my time wandering about my ideal guy would be. There is always this pattern which I hadn't really grasp it yet and now I know.

First of all, I always like it when a guy could make me laugh - the laugh-till-my-stomach-hurts laugh - and have fun together (or have fun watching me have fun by myself =p). And.. with that charming humor, I need him to be wise in life; wise enough for me to want to hear it and not thinking him as a wise-ass. But I still need him to value my opinion, and that would probably mean both me and him must have similar way of thinking.

Well.. Anyway, I thought it's important for me to remember that but I may not need it now. Why ever not I need it right now? I don't have any candidates yet, and it's tiring to try and find these qualities within my male friends.

i should be grateful then..

Umm.. The weather guy has interrupted the channel twice. We may have a tornado warning and we are on the edge of our seats watching storm tracker and me updating East Lansing Weather Forecast website now and then.

This is my first tornado warning! GAAAHH!!! Please God, make it my last in a pleasant way.

this is just in!

I went googling on Cata's bus tokens and it's said in Wikipedia:

Tokens may be purchased in sets of 10 for US$ 8.50 at various retail outlets around the area.

That would mean that 5 bus tokens are worth US$ 4.25 and we gave him US$ 4.00! Aww.. God bless him. =)

tokens for granted..

We met a guy on the bus stop at Fandors (or is it Fendors? oh whatever..) and we assumed that he also want to get on the bus - just like us. What he actually did, however, is asking us for a dollar because he needs that one dollar to buy a new pair of glasses and in return he'll give us 4 tokens for the bus. But before that, he asked everyone of us which kind of payment we use to pay the bus fare and neither of us said "We use tokens". Sadly, he wheeled away - he was a disabled person yet he can roam everywhere he likes God bless America for that - and waited for other people who would take his tokens.

After a while and me asking sis about what that man actually wanted, Mom suggested to give him 4 dollars for his 4 tokens (because it usually costs a dollar per bus trip - except when you have these bus tickets called transfers). So I called him and asked him if he need 4 dollars for his 4 tokens and he said yes - he even gave one free token! After that, you could see that he was relieved and really grateful and he also said we were a bunch of nice people and etc. Then off he went to a $1 store to buy his new glasses.

Hmm.. Now that was weird.. Why did he thank us as if we are the nicest people on earth? (I know, I'm just exaggerating but this strengthen my point anyway) Mom, then, explained to me that this country is quite extremely capitalist and it really follows the demand-supply theory they teach you in school. So we were actually being weird to him instead of him being weird to us because a normal American would gladly give only a dollar for those 4 unnecessary tokens. Well, I just think that paying 4 dollars for 4 bus tokens in any situation is common sense anyway and I'm glad we gave him the money he needed. =) Plus, he gave us one extra token.. =p

Now *this* is the kind of experience I've been looking for..

fraternities sororities

So far I've bought myself a nice new bag, a lipstick with a sexy color, loads of chocolates to give away, Dark Horse comics, body sprays for my Saturday-day-out beloved girlfriends, Emma on DVD (yay!) and um.. I think that's just about it. I've seen the Michigan State University and its trees that are starting to change colors beautifully. I couldn't complain because that would be inappropriate and I've always loved traveling (since Korea, that is =p). But everytime I'm alone, my mind wanders and I don't feel like making the best out of this trip. Not only that, but it's easy to drift away into post-breakup mood.

Oh, and I just have the strangest dream this morning. I met Akihisa and Naret in my dream and guess what, I also met and actually had a decent and fun conversation with my ex's recent girlfriend. It's totally weird. But I'm glad I had those kind of dreams tho' - for no reason at all. And I'm no where near to fulfill this autumn-fling romantic fantasy. I am sure that there are a lot of attractive and lover-potential guys in East Lansing, thanks to MSU, but unfortunately we don't share the same place to hang around. =( Tomorrow, though, I'm planning to watch MSU parade (I haven't seen a parade in my entire life before! GASP!) so maybe I could afford some window-shopping. ;p Oh may God bless me.

a little something in between

Greetings from Singapore's Changi International Airport!

I am now in the transit lounge waiting for the next flight while having breakfast. It breaks my heart that me and my mother couldn't fast today (yea rite!) because it'll be an exhausting trip and we need all the food and drinks to survive. =p It's 2.25 AM Singapore time right now and we've just checked out from the airport's transit hotel.

Speaking of which, I made a blunder regarding the hotel's check-in time. I've mistakenly assumed that I could check-in 15 minutes after the time I want the room booked (at 8.00 PM) at the latest. But actually..they'd only wait for 60 minutes after my arrival time which was at 4.00 PM. Yyyeeaahh.. So they had to give away my room and gave me one that doesn't have the TV and colder than the room I've booked. But that's okay, no big deal anyway - at least we had somewhere to sleep and take shower.

Because of this mistake, we were worried to check-out late and get another 'penalty' again. Thus, we woke up and checked-out earlier just in case. And my head is itchy and overexcess of oil so because I can't wash my hair so as not to catch a cold. But that's beside the point..

Overall, Changi is verryyy verryyy huuuggeee it's like its own city by itself. I could spend more than one day exploring the airport. I wish I have as much time in my hand right now.. Anyway, my hot chocolate is waiting and I think Mom is trying to get me to drink it before it's cold. Goodbye for now, dear blog. I wish I could transfer some pictures into the free internet computer, but that couldn't be possible.. =(

here comes the next plane..

I'm going to USA tomorrow and my mother's a bit panic because it's her first time traveling toward outside South East Asia region. I myself am a bit careless because I personally think that overworrying diminishes the enjoyment of traveling. This different attitude between me, her, and Dad (which is the same side as Mom) creates a tinge of tension, which is bad for the atmosphere.

That, and because I won't be home for this year Eid are maybe the reasons why I feel like crying. But maybe there is another reason too.. Me and my ex have exchanged the standard greeting - "Minal Aidin Wal Faizin" (that roughly means "Please forgive me, body and soul, for every mistake I've done") and I felt relieved beyond prediction because that what I've been wanting to say since a month ago. Whoa.. Imagine that, a month of meaning to say that you're sorry and while waiting for the appropriate moment, you only have the courage to express the regret only by action.

Anyway.. it seems that this post is going to a rather sentimental mood. I think I have to stop.

Oh, I forgot to write something! I got a vaccine today so that I would be able to handle the cold from the autumn weather. Wish me not getting cold or sick on this holiday. =p

as the old movie says..

I gotta be patient. I myself know that to make a relationship works (whether it's romantic, platonic, blood-and-gene-related, etc.), it takes more than my own effort to maintain it. So please, dear me, don't go over-blaming yourself when some things just didn't work out. The only thing you could do is to offer the sincerest and nicest hand and just pray the other person will take it.

And expect nothing in return.

Damn it, that's the hardest part of them all.

the mortality rate of infatuation is higher than that of adoration

It's pretty clear that I am not as mature as I thought.

I was very agitated when my father insisted to drive me to the opening of my friend's art exhibition. I really wanted to go on my own, because I selfishly did not want to be picked up if I would've rather stay instead. So.. I am not proud to say this, but I did slam the garage lock out of my frustration - which luckily none of parents notice - and finally let my father drive me.

In the car, on the road, my father told me to be perfectly clear to inform him about my plan. I told him back that I didn't tell him because I was planning to go by myself. Misunderstandings then resolved and he said that it's just the way he is; everything must be well-planned. I also said sorry for not telling him anything about my plan. Then he said the most touching thing that made me wanted to cry (or maybe because it's getting near my period); he doesn't have the heart to let me drive at night.

I was instantly ashamed of being such an angry adolescent before! I could argue that I'm a big girl and he doesn't have to worry about a thing, but I know that he won't accept this argument. He is my father and I'm his daughter after all. It's the most natural reason for him wanting to drive me.

How I wish I could get myself a man whose heart is as gentle as my father.. I could picture my husband insisting to drive me, he'd say, "I don't have the heart to let you drive at night! You're my wife, after all."

Yeah.. anyway, it's just a wish. And talking about having a husband, my view about marriage has shifted. I once thought that it is better to have a marriage by love and I wanted that for me too. I envisioned me and my boyfriend to be head over heels over each other when we would decide to get married. Now I think that a set-up marriage is not so bad.. and if I'm not so deeply in love with my future husband, at least he cares a lot about me and I can bear his flaws and weaknesses. I even once doubted myself whether I need a marriage in my life or not. Sounds like Oprah, right? =p

Nevertheless, I have always wanted to have grandchildren (yes, grandchildren and not children). So not getting married is out of the options, but getting married is not one of the top 10 priorities in my life anymore.

attraversiamo!

Unlike any given Saturday, my two uncles and my aunt came and gave my father the inheritance of my deceased aunt. Then the elder uncle told my dad something I have never guessed in my entire life; that he saw my deceased grandfather (their father) everytime he prayed for these past two weeks. He took it as a sign that he must do something about the remaining inheritance. He told the story with visual detail and I think I was the only family member who was surprised to hear that. Though my mother had once said to me that my father could see 'things' we couldn't see, I didn't thought other relatives would have the same ability.

Anyway, the conversation carried on to our family-tree. This uncle of mine, the elder one, seemed to have tracking down our family root since his retirement. He does a good job on that. He is tracking the family root down into ... mmm ... the age of dynasties in Indonesia. He also pointed out some royal name and I got a hint that maybe - just maybe - we actually have a Javanese noble bloodline. Wow.. This is a huge discovery!

But anyway, I honestly don't have the feature of a royal bloodline child, nor even my relatives in the same generation. Noble bloodline people usually have this air of arrogance and beauty and their physical characteristics show this. That's why I'm so surprised! In fact, we have these down-to-earth common people look, which is more interesting to me. That would mean we're a bunch of paradoxes, don't you think?

cheshire cat's mischievous grin

Have you ever felt that sometimes you have to carry the burden by yourself? Sure, you've got your friends you can talk to but still they won't feel the same thing that you feel. In fact, you doubt that they can give you the reassurance you want them to give. It's not that you don't trust them. It's just that you can't handle their reactions; you know perfectly well how they would react and none of them would swallow and laugh at the madness that you've just experienced. Yes, you just want them to look at it as funny as you think it is. You don't need them to sympathize or label you as silly. You need them to laugh with or at you, cause you have been stronger than before and are able to handle this by yourself.

So laugh, then. It all has been a brilliant comical entertainment. You have been a good sport.

Police car with a screaming siren
Pneumatic drill on ripped-up concrete
Baby wails, a stray dog howling
Brakes screech as lamp light blinking

That's Entertainment
That's Entertainment

Smash of glass and a rumble of boots
Electric train and a ripped up phone booth
A hot day and a sticky black tarmac
A hot day and I'm wishing I was far away

That's Entertainment
That's Entertainment
La, la, la
La, la, la

Days of speed and a slow time Mondays
Wake up at 6 AM and think about your holidays
Open window and breathe in petrol
Cold flat with damp on the walls

Yes, That's Entertainment
That's Entertainment
La, la, la
La, la, la
La, la, la
La, la, la

Two lovers kissing over screams of midnight
Two lovers miss the tranquility of solitude
Read grafitti of slash-seat affairs
Splattered walls and a kick in the balls

Is all that you get - in the name of entertainment
La, la, la

-- Morrissey, That's Entertainment

*entertainment indeed..

gleefully gloating by a tall vanilla capuccino

huhuhuhahahaha..

Setelah melalui asap yg disemprot berkali2, monitor yg acakadut, dan kesumbangan suara, selembar cepeban mendarat kembali ke tangan saya. Terimakasih terimakasih..

Terimakasih juga kepada seorang pegawai Starbucks Ciwalk yg agak terlalu ramah sama gw malam ini. Hehehe.. Udah lama rasanya ga di'ramah'in cowo yg menurut gw sndiri cukup pantas di'ramah'in balik. =p I do hope he would be as nice as he is tonight when someday he'll see me with my everyday t-shirts and jeans and no make-up. hehehehe.. lalalala

Eh eh..
Gw baru saja melakukan suatu hal yg mungkin akan dianggap freak. Gw ngeadd sebongkah masa lalunya masa lalu seseorg. Hahahaha.. Oh well, who cares if I really look freaky anyway? Maybe this sudden burst of madness will turn out to be fun..

i am currently applying to..

It's almost the end of the semester and my final project is still stagnant. There are, of course, few developments a little here and there but I really haven't made anything significant. And it really STRESS ME OUT I-can-snap-and-kill-you-all everytime someone makes a fuss about his/her final project when he/she has only revisions or conclusion left to do (which means they've finished all the goddamn difficult chapters).

Eniweii..
Gw harus kerja dulu 2-3 tahun seblom bisa apply ke UNESCO. Yes, UNESCO as in United Nation's Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization. Siapa sangka cita2 gw skarang dan cita2 gw pas SD-SMP bisa sama? Sekarang mari kita berdoa saja 2-3 tahun itu bisa gw habiskan di L'Oreal. Hahaha.. Amin.

Argh, harus beresin TA dulu berarti.

biding my time

-mood-
I got so unbelievably snappy today, gara2 sumber masalah yg sudah jelas bentuk dan rupanya dan memiliki nama Tugas Akhir. Sbtulnya yg jd sumber masalah sih gw, hehe.. tapi kan yg bikin gw bermasalah ya TA. =p Mungkin jg karna gw mengawali hari ini dengan pikiran bahwa, tugas2 gw tuh ga ada berhentinya dan gw merasa gw ga punya waktu bwt diri gw sendiri. Kalo ga TA, ngurusin reuni akbar, abis itu, mikirin band gw.

Coba, kapan terakhir kalinya gw joget2 sendiri ala rockstar atau dancer di kamar? Atau mandi tanpa mikirin apa2 kecuali ritual mandi itu sendiri?

Ya tapi kalo dipikir2 lagi sih, pikiran gw masih cupuuuuuu dalam jumlah dan kualitas daripada pikiran2 nyokap gw. Bayangin, kemaren malem aja nyokap (yg pikirannya nambah karna kuliah lg) msh mampu ngebetulin draft TA gw sedangkan gw udah ngantuk2 ayam (padahal gw blm kerja dan baru S1 cuy). Tuh, dari stamina aja gw udah kalah jauh. Haiyaa.. payaahnya gw.

-gossip!-
Aaaaanihhooyyy... gw denger brita cukup mengejutkan hari ini. Temen gw yg memiliki gen 'laku' ternyata udah putus sama mantannya (ya iya laaahhh..) yg udh pacaran sejak dulu kala masa kisah kasih di sekolah negeri 3 bandung. Sekarang dia udh jadian lagi (!) sama .. eng ing eng .. bekas kecengan gw kelas 3 SMA (!!) yg juga cukup laku dan jg udh pacaran lllaaammmaa sblmnya sejak jaman batu alias SMP.

Teman gw sungguh beruntung. Bener kata tmn gw yg satu lg, temen gw ini hidupnya amat sgt mudah. Gw jadi pny hipotesis, sbtlnya 'keberuntungan' itu wujudnya gen dan sifatnya warisan. Tapi bokap nyokap dan kakak gw cukup beruntung, mnurut gw.. Jadi, bisa berarti hipotesis gw salah atau gw tidak mewarisi gen 'keberuntungan' tersebut.

-a penny for my thought?-
Sblm nulis blog, gw mengingat2 diri gw yg dulu.. Tampaknya gw tuh sudah melakukan banyak hal2 yg salah dan kalo diinget2 lagi, gw malu gw pernah melakukan hal2 tsb. Mungkin jalan gw yg lg gw jalanin sekarang tuh emang udah paling bener. Karna suatu kejadian yg tdk menyenangkan, dan beberapa kejadian2 yg mengikuti, gw skrg udah ga di posisi gw di masa lalu. Siapa sangka org yg menurut lo bisa membuat lo jadi lebih baik, malah bikin lo jadi org yg ga lebih baik dan parahnya, jadi org yg lebih jahat.

Hmm.. Yaa.. Mungkin pada dasarnya, emang ga ada orang yang bikin kita jd lebih baik atau lebih buruk. Karena sebetulnya kita sendiri lah yg paling menentukan. Gitu kali ya?

reveal everything there is to know

Today's my first recording session!! hahaha..

HAHAHAHA!!

Enihoy, rasanya aneh mendengar suara sendiri dialunkan di studio. Pertama kalinya gw menapakkan kaki di studio, jantung rasanya udh copot (bkn mw copot lg..). Yah, namanya jg msh amatir.. Untung cuma backing vocal, jd rada cepet deh.

*idon'tcareifisoundlikeashowoffbum,imjustthrilledtotheverycoreofmybone

too much indulging on self-worth

Never Date a Leo

Dramatic, egotistical, and emotional - a Leo is way too high maintenance for you! And forget about a quick fling with an alluring Leo. It's either everything or nothing with this sign! Instead try dating: Virgo, Capricorn, Pisces, or Cancer

What Sign Shouldn't You Date?

Your True Birth Month Is January

Loyal Social Logical Easily jealous Loves children Rather reserved Highly attentive Likes to criticize Needs close friends Ambitious and serious Smart, neat and organized Hardworking and productive Loves to teach and be taught Quiet unless excited or tensed Sensitive and has deep thoughts Knows how to make others happy Searches for the greatest romance Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds Romantic but has difficulties expressing love Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses

What's Your True Birth Month?

People Envy Your Generosity

You're a giving soul, and you'd do almost anything for those you love. And they'd do anything for you! People may envy how giving you are, but more than anything, they envy those you open your heart to.

What Do People Envy About You?

You Are Designer Panties

You demand the best, from head to toe. And your panties have to be pure couture, for your own luxury. Men feel like you're a worthy challenge, though you can be difficult to catch. You exude a polished, sexy vibe that tends to attract confident men.

What Kind of Panties Are You?

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

Your Personality is Somewhat Rare (ISFP)

Your personality type is caring, peaceful, artistic, and calm. Only about 7% of all people have your personality, including 8% of all women and 6% of all men You are Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

Capricorn - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits: You are serious about relationships and ready for a commitment. You tend to help your partner attain the success they dream of. You are a rock. Relationship problems don't seem to phase you. Your negative traits: Sometimes it's very hard for you to accept your partner's past. You are emotionally reserved, and difficult to connect with. You expect your partner to take care of you - and make cheat if they do not Your ideal partner: Is incredibly powerful and well respected. Is often older than you - and could be a superior at work. Has a good amount of money... or the ability to be rich someday. Your dating style: Practical. A "get to know each other" coffee date is just fine by you. Your seduction style: Bossy - you like to be the one in charge in the bedroom. Slow and patient. You know that good sex takes time. Calculating. You'll use sex to get ahead, if necessary. Tips for the future: Open up. A little emotional expression is a good thing in relationships. Leap before you look. You don't have to run a cost benefit sheet on everyone you date. Enjoy the now. No need to worry about marriage on the first few dates. Best color to attract mate: Dark green Best day for a date: Saturday

What's Your Love Profile?

You are 60% Capricorn

How Capricorn Are You?

Your Leprechaun Name Is:

Sniffles O'Gold

What's Your Leprechaun Name?

You Are A Friendly Ex

You and your ex are just friends - great friends really. (At least that's what you keep telling yourself!) While civility is a good thing, make sure you're not secretly wanting more...

What Type of Ex Are You?

ah dasar cowo..

semuanya sama aja!

dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk
dasar busuk

you found one once, you'll one again

..hmm..

Gw agak2 lupa mau nulis apa but anywaayyy.. I'm getting better everyday, all thanks to this book. It gave me ideas what to do post-breakup and everytime I spaced out and started thinking about him, I read that book. Hahaha.. Yes, sebagai orang yg sering dimintain pendapatnya, gw harus mengakui gw ga tau caranya ngehandle breakup. Sebetulnya isi buku itu cukup logis sih, ga harus jadi jenius untuk mengetahuinya. Tapi penyampaiannya bagus banget, it put me back to reality and at the same it comforted me. Oh, dan bedanya sama buku2 panduan putus lainnya, buku ini ga sepenuhnya ngjelek2in mantan pacar.

..hmm..

Yeah well, breakup sucks hard.. Kata nyokap, hari2 pertama stlah putus gw terlihat lebih hitam dan kusam padahal jelas2 gw ga berjemur dan Bandung udah sering mendung dan hujan lagi. Dan keliatannya gw kayak orang sakit (atau abis sakit). Sekarang sih, menurut beliau, gw udah lebih mending dan tampaknya udah lebih lega. Amiinn..

Oh yaaa!!! Gw akhirnya mendapatkan visa tersusah di dunia!! VISA AMERIKA!!! Ohohoho.. Ternyata setelah kesialan demi kesialan di waktu lalu, gw langsung dapet that bloody visa sekali coba. Walau gw sempet ragu bakal beneran jadi pergi karena watir ama bokap, tapi akhirnya gw pikir bahwa gw pantas mendapatkan perjalanan 2 minggu ke Amerika itu. Setelah 3 tahun terkucilkan dari pergaulan normal, gw berhak dapet kebebasan ini.

i have to stay away, i'm causing too much pain

Yesterday I went to Jakarta with my J-town friends and as I gazed out through the window something existed again in my chest..

It was the longing for home.

I have always loved Bandung as my hometown. But for the past eleven months somehow I managed to convince myself that Jakarta would be another home to me. Thus, there hadn't been any sense of loss everytime I went there.

And just yesterday - as Monday's incident creeping on my mind - I had to stop myself from crying as realization hit. I now feel homeless here..

..because I just lost the only person who makes me feels like home everywhere he goes.