what are you looking for?

The question was raised again by Dad yesterday's afternoon. So I did the usual routine.

I pouted, and say whatever argument that came to mind. The reason was weak, but at least the pouting worked - at least for today.

For your information, Dad's question wasn't meant at concrete stuffs. I wasn't looking for my glasses or some important documents. It is something abstract and very important to be found; the main reason why you do the things you do.

The titular question has nagged me since I went out late during my college years and it was asked for most of my non-academic activities, even though I did benefit from those activities. Recently, the question is addressed to stuffs ranging from non-work matters to.. well, everything, basically. Like, "What are you looking for in ... [dancing lessons/managing a band/doing consulting work in Bandung/etc.]?"

He never forgets to ask that question at me.

I know Dad wants me to have a clear direction in life. No, let me rephrase that; a concise guideline on how to live my life. I also know that Dad is just hoping I get the best out of life. (Un)fortunately, there are also a lot of people like Dad around me. Say... some of my relatives, and some of my lecturers a.k.a. Mom's friends who look concerned with my faith (ok, I'm exaggerating a bit). Their questions are different, but hold the same true core; What would you do with your life, Budiarti Rahayu? Will you take a Master degree soon? Does it cross your mind to be the successor of your Mom's job? What do you really pursue when you choose to go back to Bandung and work in a local company? Got a husband potential yet?

I don't know and I don't think this is a bad thing, at the moment. I enjoy living my life as it is, without planning any serious objectives and time to accomplish. 

Because, you see, there's also a benefit in having no direction at all - as well as having them. I used to dream about being a consultant and now I am one, but it's not my picture perfect one. But I am grateful right now for it so I know I ain't choosing this type of work when I get married. And as for having no directions, I am grateful I did once managed a band and sucked at it so I know I'm not cut for it. And hey, I'm happy when I dance, so isn't that enough reason for those lessons?

But of course, I'd like to take a Master or MBA degree. And I will look for a husband, eventually (but am now relishing the fact that despite alone, am romantically problem-free *evil laughs*). Being a lecture in ITB? Why not? Not having sorted the whats, whens and hows out yet, doesn't mean I am helplessly lost.

Bah, I'm blabbering nonsense and I'm probably being too laidback for my own good. But believe me, that question always comes to consideration most of the time recently and it's evolving into a new question; Whom do I want to be?

And that, my friend, with all the previous questions, will have their answers. :)

expect in modest amount

What do I expect?

A proclamation of desire?

An easy way to end this relentless devoid?

But I will not let this be another play of a one-sided affection , with the same old characters. I have, however, suffered a greater loss than this one. And I've lost this particular one more than enough to everybody else.

And it's not as if I've given it my most sincere effort.

Do you not think so?

attention: there's been a change of plan

Menjelang wisuda, gw sempat bercita-cita masuk UNESCO atau jadi staf ahli PBB. Helping people and getting paid for doing good deeds would be really cool, I thought. Tapi begitu melihat syarat bekerja mereka, gw mengurungkan diri. Kata mereka, gw harus bergelar Master atau memiliki pengalaman kerja minimal 2 tahun.

Untungnya gw punya dua cita-cita. Cita-cita gw tidak jauh-jauh dari sikap 'menolong orang'; konsultan. Cita-cita ini harus menunggu selama setahun. Selama masa menunggu itu, gw sedang bekerja sebagai staf SDM suatu kantor konsultan multinasional. Jujur saja, waktu itu gw merasa kerjaan gw tidak begitu menantang secara berpikir - tapi secara ketelatenan. Gw merasa kerjaan konsultan lebih keren daripada kerjaan gw waktu itu.

Sekarang, gw menjalani cita-cita kedua gw tersebut. Memang tidak di tempat seprestisius sebelumnya, tapi sudah cukup buat gw. Terlebih klien kantor gw adalah suatu BUMN - artinya kerjaan gw berguna bagi negara. :p Setelah 4 bulan lebih, gw kembali berpikir lagi tentang cita-cita ini.

Memang sekarang kerjaan gw lebih menantang, baik secara ketelatenan dan pola pikir. Plus, karena di sini klasifikasi kompetensinya tidak sejelas di tempat gw terdahulu, otomatis gw dan teman-teman harus sedikit serba bisa. Bisa ngeprint rapi, bisa ngelayout laporan, bisa survei lapangan, bisa jadi call center, bisa ngerencananin jadwal perjalanan survei, you name it we can do it. Dan layaknya konsultan, jam kerja gw bener-bener fleksibel. Fleksibel dalam arti gw boleh dateng telat, tapi berarti gw bisa aja pulang pagi. Gw juga bekerja 6 hari dalam seminggu.

*gasps*

Yes, betul. Jangan shock gitu dong, pembaca. :p Gw tau betul kerjaan konsultan bisa membuat seseorang jadi tidak punya banyak waktu di luar pekerjaan. Gw kira gw ga bakal kenapa-kenapa dengan situasi tersebut. Gw pikir mengejar karir itu sangat menyenangkan dan akan terlihat keren. Mungkin ini karena pengaruh almarhumah Ibu. Tapi gw yang saat ini masih single pun agak-agak ga terima, karena waktu buat diri gw sendiri dan orang lain jadi sedikit. Jadi, gw memutuskan ga akan mau kerja konsultan setelah gw nikah.

Saat gw menyadari ini, gw juga jadi menyadari bahwa gw ga butuh-butuh amat kerjaan keren. Kerjaan bukan sesuatu yang dapat kita banggakan saat ajal menjemput. It's not even something we'd cherish when we grow old and dry. Sekarang, gw malah akan puas dengan kerjaan yang mediocre asalkan gw punya pembagian waktu yang seimbang. Dan selama gw punya keluarga yang bahagia dan gw punya teman-teman kerja yang menyenangkan, dan juga teman-teman di luar kerja yang sama menyenangkan; itu saja sudah lebih dari cukup.

Sebutlah gw konservatif atau ga ambisius. Tapi daripada gw mengecewakan anak gw dengan ketinggalan panggung pertamanya, mending gw dimarahin bos karena bolos. Lagipula kan pasti bapaknya rajin. ;)