wack-a-doodle rampant

I heard so many news about my college friends today. Most of them are good news, but I can't help feeling stressed out. Compared to them, I feel the sense of under-achievement. One of them is an HR assistant manager in one of the biggest oil and gas companies (which is sadly one of my dream job), some are finishing their Master degrees, some are applying and have been applied to Master program (and landed themselves scholarships) and some are..well, some are achieving over me simply by working in a stable company and get a decent job.

No, this is not me being ungrateful and whining. This is me smacking my own head and wondering why I let my life took a whole different turn. Well yeah, God has plans for me but I bet God gave me the chance to choose what I wanted to do then.

...

Wow, I seem so depressing..

Anyway, on a lighter note, I learned about hernia today.

Wait, that doesn't seem more cheerful.

But oh what the hell..

So yeah.. I learned about hernia today. Me and dad went to my uncle's private practice and they first talked about mother's brain hernia. Turned out that when someone has been diagnosed with a quite severe hernia in his/her vital part, death is only a matter of days. Yes, it's that bad. So if you find a painful bump on your body, go check it as soon as you can. Uncle also said that hernia is like a wall without proper foundation - when you knock it, it'll all come tumbling down. And you can't prevent it! You wouldn't know you have the tendency until you have it. And note this, every female reader of my blog: the tendency (like any other genetic diseases and malfunctions) is also determined during pregnancy.

The last bit of information freaked me out. I once read an article that a child's psychology and physiology is determined even at the earliest stage of reproduction. So it all correlates. Hmmm..

Wow. Now this post is turning into a geek.

Nevertheless, I learned other two things about hernia and pregnancy-determined sickness. One; is that we humans are more fragile than I thought to be and our lives are even more at the mercy of God. Two; is that even when parents don't mean it and don't want it, they still make their children's lives a mess.

So dear future children of mine, I hope you'd forgive me and still pray for me even when I'm not around. May you be great people despite your flaws from my mistakes. Amen.

-- Femoral hernia picture is taken from here.

lost cat

When work, commitment, and pleasure all become one and you reach that deep well where passion lives, nothing is impossible. (Unknown)

If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen FOR you, TO you and BECAUSE of you. (T. Alan Armstrong)

Passion and purpose go hand in hand. When you discover your purpose, you will normally find it’s something you’re tremendously passionate about. (Steve Pavlina)

Nothing great in the world has been accomplished without passion. (Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel)

Hello God, I think I may need a high-dose injection of passion right now. I have absolutely no idea where I should happily drain all my energy into.

it's not the same of having you here

He's finally going to a different island and we're gonna have a semi long-distance relationship. This is totally new to me.

I know I'm not abandoned, but I'd still prefer not being left behind. It's always been my issue since I was a child.

And at this time of my life, I'm actually one of those easy quitters. I even think I may have given up on getting myself applied for next year's postgraduate program.

So yeah, I've had thoughts about quitting early. I know, I'm such an awful person, you don't need to tell me that.

But I'm not quitting. Because he's such a good catch and he's not a quitter. Plus, it's such a lame excuse to quit and it'd make me a friend less.

I really hope we can work this out. Amen.

what difference did it made?

Closure.

That's what I get.

I cannot deny that it's the sight of another heartbreak. Almost the same heartbreak with my mother's passing. I knew the conclusion was drawing and it wouldn't be a good news to me. I am going to endure it and am trying to remember how I'd survive and move on.

I wanted to ask the experts on moving on. But they aren't available at the moment and I don't want to bother them this late. So I looked for another source: my own blogs and journals. Ah, what better way to show yourself that you're gonna be alright in the end than learning from your own chronicles?

I found it, at my other old blog, entirely dedicated to another person in another time when I was (or I think I was) more foolish than I am right now.

I feel a lot better after reading it, for unknown reasons even to myself. Maybe I felt like the younger me is smacking me in the face with it - saying "Hey older me, even I can move on. Why the hell do you think you can't?"

-ah saya meracau.. lalalalala-

i'll be your vanilla ice cream and i'll sing you lullabies

I don't know how to do this without being preachy. I don't even want to sound preaching or to sound like a goody-two-shoes. But this philosophy has been helping me a lot whenever I find myself overwhelmed with either positive or negative feelings.

Here it is:

Whatever you're dealing with, be it happiness or sadness, it all belongs to The One and Only (a.k.a. God). The luxuries you have, it can be easily taken away when God wants to. So do the tragedies. We're better off thinking that everything we have in life is.. God's deposits for us to manage and use well (and yes, that includes our disadvantages). Bottom-line, nothing is truly ours to begin with. (bahkan pahala dan dosa aja bukan kita yang menentukan kan? apalagi barang-barang yang ga bisa dibawa ke liang kubur)

Anyway,

Dad said yesterday that he heard Mom's voice whispering to his right ear while he was doing the morning prayer. He said that the voice told him not to go with this woman who is interested in meeting him to 'form a new family' (if you get what I mean) and he did what the voice told him to.

I'm not a big fan of supernatural phenomenon like this, but I always believe in my dad every time he talks about these things. I think it's nice when you get the answer for the question that's been nagging you. Especially when you believe that it comes from a divine power. That way you have more faith in what you do next, even though you may not exactly understand why. It's what I've been looking for in these couple of days.

But maybe I have to be as wise and religious as my dad before I get the answer...

totally random

If you look at my photos and get introduced to me for the first time, you'd think I was an ordinary person. When you get to know me better, you'd think I was one of the nicest people on earth but also timid. When you've spent a lot of time with me and get lucky by being there when a crisis strikes me, you'd rethink your perception about me.

I always fail to believe that I am an ordinary person. I just happen to look like one. I also have a strong stance on my beliefs. Sometimes my words would hurt people and sometimes I look down on them who're just being ordinary, prefer mainstream stuffs, and laughs at too-famous jokes. Yes, I'm sorry, I am that snobbish.

But before you dis-befriended me, I secretly wish I was any other ordinary human being. Any other ordinary human being would still have his/her mother around, has a few ex-boy/girlfriends, gets to school and wouldn't worry about being pushed for Master degree, gets a decent (and probably boring) job and gets a decent pay. You know, the thing you'd see on an old American family series.

:D

I'm not being disgrateful. Well, sometimes I am, but not right now.

i want to be a cool mom

I used to think I am a good writer. But after reading through some blogs my friends write, I don't think I am anymore. I write mostly about myself, not about some knowledge that I know of nor something that would give benefit to my readers. I can excuse myself by saying, "Hey, this is my blog. I do what I want to do here." but no. Let me just admit it: I suck at writing a useful blog for other people. So I'll write a useful blog for myself instead.

Heh.

Let's continue.

Today I acted like a total pushover to my bestfriend. I wanted him to go to the annual job fair which is held near our campus. I also wanted him to look for a new job that would give a bigger salary and better experience. I personally believe that he would make a damn-good employee, hence the pushover. But nah-uh, he didn't feel like it. So I asked if he opted to stay here and not getting a new job at all for the time being.

And what do you know?

He told me to bug off - because he didn't have a plan. Yet. (Well, he'd better...) And he didn't want to talk about it.

I was furious. If we were having this conversation face-to-face, I swear I would choke him to (near) death. Here I was, trying to help him see what he wanted out of his life and he tried swat me off like a fly. After that, a cold war ensued...

...for not very long. We made up at this cool Balinese show in campus and we talked about it on the way home. He was..hmm.. well, let's say he'd seemed to be taking it easy while I'd gotten it all worked up.

*but hey, come on, not having a plan isn't something to be taken lightly... just my opinion tho'*

On my own way home, I contemplated a little further. Was I a control freak? Didn't I look like my dad a bit when I freaked out like that? Oh my God, what if I end up being a control freak mother to my children, the one who always nags and can't cut them some needed slack? Well I don't wanna do that my children, so might as well I should learn not to do it to my friends, right?

But really, no life plan at all? Pffftt. You must be really confident, buddy.

nah loh..

ah kampr*t..

saya juga ga mau perasaan ini tau ga? daripada saya sakit hati, mending saya suka sama orang yang mau aja sama saya.

tapi apa daya, walau sikap lo ajaib dan lo jelas2 bukan orang yang lebih soleh dari saya, dan dia lebih soleh-sabar-baik banget, pilihan jelas-jelas condong ama lo.

mungkin karena lo lebih logis dari saya dan pastinya lebih bisa ngatur saya, mungkin juga karena saya butuh tantangan.

yang pasti, ayah saya bilang saya harus pilih lelaki yang menimbulkan perasaan DEG di hati. dan gawatnya, laki-laki itu lo.

nah loh..

bingung ga tuh saya?

bite your tongue

Hari ini saya dibilang cewe angkuh oleh teman saya - tapi tidak dengan nada ngajak berantem ataupun menghakimi. Dia juga sebetulnya angkuh dan dia tahu pasti itu. Saya tidak keberatan dibilang angkuh, karena saya memang angkuh.

Angkuh di sini bukan dalam pengertian saya pilih-pilih teman atau tidak mau makan di warteg. Tapi memang keangkuhan saya membuat beberapa hal tertentu tidak bisa ditawar, terutama dalam hal mencari (atau dicari sebagai) pasangan dan mencari universitas buat S2.

Nah, keangkuhan sebetulnya membuat repot diri sendiri dan saya sadar akan ada suatu waktu di mana saya harus kompromi.

Tapi tidak sekarang, kawan. Saat ini saja sudah banyak keinginan saya yang mesti saya bunuh. Jangan suruh saya ikuti keinginan orang lain - walaupun mungkin itu baik buat saya.

Ah jadi ngamuk-ngamuk deh saya. :p Yah intinya, saya hanya terima masukan dan arahan dari Yang di Atas untuk saat ini. Saya tidak tahan deh dinasihatin untuk kompromi terhadap hal-hal yang ga bisa ditawar di atas.

splurge splurge splurge

I want you to meet my new babies!!!

Finally got my hands on a pair of those Wondershoes. Felt a little snug at first time but eventually it feels okay and quite comfy. :) And... look at what I've also finally bought from the bookshelves!

Oh yes, it's Lonely Planet's guide to Indonesia!

Err..

Yea, this might sound ridiculous to you because as a true and proud Indonesian, I should've known better about my country than a bunch of backpackers or travelers. But hey, I gotta admit that this book offers a lot of information that can save me a lot of money should I go travel around Indonesia.

Although it's not going to happen anywhere near soon... :p

postingan ga penting

Saya pernah bertanya pada teman-teman baik saya: Kalau lo sudah berumur 40 dan masih belum menikah, kira-kira siapa temen baik lo yang mau lo ajak nikah? Tentu saja dengan asumsi bahwa teman mereka tersebut juga belum menikah. Ya, hal ini terinspirasi serial Friends dan How I Met Your Mother - di mana karakter-karakter di dalamnya memiliki apa yang mereka sebut 'backup spouse' (suami/istri cadangan).

Saya pun jadi kepikiran punya suami cadangan, in case saya menjomblo sampai usia 40 tahun tapi semoga ga kejadian. Amin. Tapi tentu saja meminta seseorang jadi cadangan merupakan hal yang sedikit tidak etis. Itu seperti sedikit mendiskreditkan. Bahkan para atlit saja ogah diminta duduk di bangku cadangan. Ya kan?

Beberapa nama pun muncul di benak. Sekarang, tinggal cek apa kah mereka berbalas backup dengan saya. Tapi sebelum semuanya beres saya tanya, saya sudah kecewa, karena sudah ada 50% yang tidak memikirkan saya sebagai backup spouse. Padahal saya sedikit yakin saya masuk hitungan mereka. Mungkinkah saya seharusnya senang, karena berarti saya tidak dijadikan cadangan?

Apapun itu, saya pun jadi kepikiran hal lain. Seandainya saya adalah suatu produk, kira-kira siapa target market yang tepat untuk produk ini? Karena jujur saja, bahkan Saya Si Produk ga gitu laku di market terdekat. Padahal, saya itu ga neko-neko, 100% dari bahan alami, dan user-friendly. Cuma memang sayangnya, desain saya kurang aerodinamis dan interface saya sederhana.

*ko gw jadi kepikiran hape yah? eniwei..*

Saya pun mengingat-ngingat kembali mereka-mereka yang pernah memasukkan saya ke dalam pertimbangan utama mereka. Hmmm.. Kalau saya mesti mengklasifikasikan, mereka termasuk kategori konsumen yang baik hati dan sweet. Hehehehe.. (Geli sendiri). Wah, padahal sebetulnya target market keinginan saya itu konsumen yang sedikit gahar, gagah tapi cerdas.

*terus sekarang jadi kepikiran brandingnya rokok. hahahahaha. eeniweeeiii..*

Eniwei, jam kantor sudah beres nih. Jadi saya sudahi dulu. Mudah-mudahan saya ingat buat nerusin. hahahahah

cross-religion lesson

Kemarin teman saya cerita tentang bagaimana dia jadian. Dia bilang dia dan calon pasangannya berdoa selama 2 bulan agar dua-duanya yakin dengan hubungan mereka. Oh ya, perlu diketahui, teman saya ini Kristen (saya lupa Protestan atau Katolik). Awalnya saya kira hal ini merupakan hal yang lumrah untuk umat Kristen, tapi ternyata tidak. Berarti, apa kah teman saya ini seorang yang sangat relijius? Menurut pengakuannya sih, dia gak relijius-relijius amat.

Yah, anggap lah dia memang jemaat yang biasa-biasa saja. Berarti, kejadian ini cukup spesial karena dia melakukan hal baik yang tidak lumrah.

Nah, mari berkaca.

Berapa persen dari umat Islam yang sholat istikharah pas 'ditembak'? Kalau dilamar, yah gw ngerti lah. Tapi pas 'ditembak'? Atau saat 'menembak'? Atau sekedar berdoa minta diberi keyakinan saja ketika hal ini terjadi?

Memang sih kita kehilangan rasa tegang dan esensi seru dari menunggu jawaban kalau kita harus solat atau berdoa lah minimal. Tapi mungkin yah.. mungkin loh, ketika kita akhirnya jadian atau ga jadian atau nanti putus atau malah berlanjut ke pelaminan, kita punya keyakinan besar bahwa itu lah jalan yang terbaik. It saves a lot of emotional turnmoil and all those dramas. So.. why not?

random stuffs

1. This endless bickering between Indonesians and Malaysians is overrated and past its due date (alias basi!). Kita tuh sama-sama orang Melayu. Akar kita sama. Memang banyak perbadaan antara kita dan Malaysia dan banyak pula yang kita debat dan rebutkan. But hating each other is like hating your own cousin. And can't we take negative comments as feedback without blaming the other party, please? That's what civilized people would do.

2. Dude, if you like that girl, just say it. Gw nanya bukan karena gw mau ngata-ngatain, tapi gw cuma mau konfirmasi, astagaaa.

3. So.. I think if the feeling wants to show, then I'll let it show. Memiliki perasaan itu, rasa bersalah karena memiliki perasaan itu, dan mencoba menahan perasaan itu agar tidak muncul adalah pekerjaan yang melelahkan. Mungkin itu yang membuat rambut saya cepat rontok akhir-akhir ini.

4. Google Earth tidak cocok dengan koneksi internet lambat. Atau mungkin dia sedang sentimen dengan saya yang teledor.

what are you looking for?

The question was raised again by Dad yesterday's afternoon. So I did the usual routine.

I pouted, and say whatever argument that came to mind. The reason was weak, but at least the pouting worked - at least for today.

For your information, Dad's question wasn't meant at concrete stuffs. I wasn't looking for my glasses or some important documents. It is something abstract and very important to be found; the main reason why you do the things you do.

The titular question has nagged me since I went out late during my college years and it was asked for most of my non-academic activities, even though I did benefit from those activities. Recently, the question is addressed to stuffs ranging from non-work matters to.. well, everything, basically. Like, "What are you looking for in ... [dancing lessons/managing a band/doing consulting work in Bandung/etc.]?"

He never forgets to ask that question at me.

I know Dad wants me to have a clear direction in life. No, let me rephrase that; a concise guideline on how to live my life. I also know that Dad is just hoping I get the best out of life. (Un)fortunately, there are also a lot of people like Dad around me. Say... some of my relatives, and some of my lecturers a.k.a. Mom's friends who look concerned with my faith (ok, I'm exaggerating a bit). Their questions are different, but hold the same true core; What would you do with your life, Budiarti Rahayu? Will you take a Master degree soon? Does it cross your mind to be the successor of your Mom's job? What do you really pursue when you choose to go back to Bandung and work in a local company? Got a husband potential yet?

I don't know and I don't think this is a bad thing, at the moment. I enjoy living my life as it is, without planning any serious objectives and time to accomplish. 

Because, you see, there's also a benefit in having no direction at all - as well as having them. I used to dream about being a consultant and now I am one, but it's not my picture perfect one. But I am grateful right now for it so I know I ain't choosing this type of work when I get married. And as for having no directions, I am grateful I did once managed a band and sucked at it so I know I'm not cut for it. And hey, I'm happy when I dance, so isn't that enough reason for those lessons?

But of course, I'd like to take a Master or MBA degree. And I will look for a husband, eventually (but am now relishing the fact that despite alone, am romantically problem-free *evil laughs*). Being a lecture in ITB? Why not? Not having sorted the whats, whens and hows out yet, doesn't mean I am helplessly lost.

Bah, I'm blabbering nonsense and I'm probably being too laidback for my own good. But believe me, that question always comes to consideration most of the time recently and it's evolving into a new question; Whom do I want to be?

And that, my friend, with all the previous questions, will have their answers. :)

expect in modest amount

What do I expect?

A proclamation of desire?

An easy way to end this relentless devoid?

But I will not let this be another play of a one-sided affection , with the same old characters. I have, however, suffered a greater loss than this one. And I've lost this particular one more than enough to everybody else.

And it's not as if I've given it my most sincere effort.

Do you not think so?

attention: there's been a change of plan

Menjelang wisuda, gw sempat bercita-cita masuk UNESCO atau jadi staf ahli PBB. Helping people and getting paid for doing good deeds would be really cool, I thought. Tapi begitu melihat syarat bekerja mereka, gw mengurungkan diri. Kata mereka, gw harus bergelar Master atau memiliki pengalaman kerja minimal 2 tahun.

Untungnya gw punya dua cita-cita. Cita-cita gw tidak jauh-jauh dari sikap 'menolong orang'; konsultan. Cita-cita ini harus menunggu selama setahun. Selama masa menunggu itu, gw sedang bekerja sebagai staf SDM suatu kantor konsultan multinasional. Jujur saja, waktu itu gw merasa kerjaan gw tidak begitu menantang secara berpikir - tapi secara ketelatenan. Gw merasa kerjaan konsultan lebih keren daripada kerjaan gw waktu itu.

Sekarang, gw menjalani cita-cita kedua gw tersebut. Memang tidak di tempat seprestisius sebelumnya, tapi sudah cukup buat gw. Terlebih klien kantor gw adalah suatu BUMN - artinya kerjaan gw berguna bagi negara. :p Setelah 4 bulan lebih, gw kembali berpikir lagi tentang cita-cita ini.

Memang sekarang kerjaan gw lebih menantang, baik secara ketelatenan dan pola pikir. Plus, karena di sini klasifikasi kompetensinya tidak sejelas di tempat gw terdahulu, otomatis gw dan teman-teman harus sedikit serba bisa. Bisa ngeprint rapi, bisa ngelayout laporan, bisa survei lapangan, bisa jadi call center, bisa ngerencananin jadwal perjalanan survei, you name it we can do it. Dan layaknya konsultan, jam kerja gw bener-bener fleksibel. Fleksibel dalam arti gw boleh dateng telat, tapi berarti gw bisa aja pulang pagi. Gw juga bekerja 6 hari dalam seminggu.

*gasps*

Yes, betul. Jangan shock gitu dong, pembaca. :p Gw tau betul kerjaan konsultan bisa membuat seseorang jadi tidak punya banyak waktu di luar pekerjaan. Gw kira gw ga bakal kenapa-kenapa dengan situasi tersebut. Gw pikir mengejar karir itu sangat menyenangkan dan akan terlihat keren. Mungkin ini karena pengaruh almarhumah Ibu. Tapi gw yang saat ini masih single pun agak-agak ga terima, karena waktu buat diri gw sendiri dan orang lain jadi sedikit. Jadi, gw memutuskan ga akan mau kerja konsultan setelah gw nikah.

Saat gw menyadari ini, gw juga jadi menyadari bahwa gw ga butuh-butuh amat kerjaan keren. Kerjaan bukan sesuatu yang dapat kita banggakan saat ajal menjemput. It's not even something we'd cherish when we grow old and dry. Sekarang, gw malah akan puas dengan kerjaan yang mediocre asalkan gw punya pembagian waktu yang seimbang. Dan selama gw punya keluarga yang bahagia dan gw punya teman-teman kerja yang menyenangkan, dan juga teman-teman di luar kerja yang sama menyenangkan; itu saja sudah lebih dari cukup.

Sebutlah gw konservatif atau ga ambisius. Tapi daripada gw mengecewakan anak gw dengan ketinggalan panggung pertamanya, mending gw dimarahin bos karena bolos. Lagipula kan pasti bapaknya rajin. ;)

not of utmost importance

This is something I made at the office. It's not finished yet, but I'm working on it. It was inspired by a series of minor events, articles at Psychology Today (hehehe) and I don't know..my trait of being a cry baby when my friends get hurt, perhaps. So here goes:

I'm the kind of friend who'll stay

even when you push me away,

and the one who'll always stick

even if you hit me with a brick.

Disappointments may occur

you'll remember them in a blur

but if I once made you feel low

don't be afraid to let me know.

You won't have to worry

Just share me the burden you carry

and I'll be telling him to get lost

when he gets you crossed.

And you don't need to frown

when life gets you down

but I'll be here, my dear;

to shed the same tear,

and lend my ear.

it's too late to regret this

"Gw rasa gw salah jurusan. Hwahahahaha"

adalah status yang gw pasang kemarin malam. Kenapa? Entah kenapa gw punya premonition (tepatnya post-monition) bahwa karakter gw bukan karakter anak SBM pada umumnya. Bukan, bukan berarti kemampuan otak saya ga mampu (alhamdulillah). 

Status gw tersebut mengundang banyak message di YM. Isinya kebanyakan bertanya kenapa dan gw ceritakan alasannya - dengan sedikit sensoran karena ga mau terlihat seperti anak ilang. Tapi memang gw seperti anak hilang, karena dari dulu sampai sekarang gw lebih banyak berinteraksi dengan teman-teman ITB yang non-SBM. Ditambah lagi, ga sedikit orang yang menebak gw dari Teknik Industri atau Biologi. Bahkan, ada juga yang mengira gw dari Matematika. Dan alasan mereka semua karena gw ga ada tampang SBM.

Gw akhirnya bertanya pada teman kantor/SMA gw, kira-kira gw cocoknya jurusan apa kalau bukan di SBM. Jawabannya lucu; katanya gw cocok di Teknik Lingkungan, tapi secara pergaulan gw cocok di Teknik Elektro yang (gosipnya) cewe-cewenya ga nge-geng. Bermula dari itu, gw dan teman gw tiba-tiba kepikiran untuk bertanya ke orang-orang. Andaikata mereka ga tau gw dari SBM (dan teman gw dari TI), mereka bakal ngira gw (dan temen gw) dari jurusan apa?

Dan ini lah hasilnya (diurut dari suara yang paling banyak):

1. Teknik Industri: sekitar 8-9 suara
2. Farmasi, Akuntansi: masing-masing 2 suara
3. Teknik Sipil, Teknik Lingkungan, Geofisika/Meteorologi, Desain Interior dan Fakultas Kedokteran: masing-masing 1 suara

Terimakasih buat teman-teman yang sudah berpartisipasi. Hahahaha. Gw seneng jawaban paling banyak itu TI, karena berarti tampang gw bisa dipercaya untuk melakukan yell Avanti keren mereka. Tapi tampang saja ga cukup kan? :p

today's ascertainments

Today I realized:

1. I've lost genuine compassion after series of loss. Not that I can't be compassionate again, no. I'm implying that now it takes quite an effort to feel sympathetic or compassionate toward a person who doesn't make it to my Favorite People list. But fear not, dear reader, you can easily tell when my affection is sincere.
2. I believe my future Mr. Awesome is an ITB graduate and he's gonna be tall. (please make this come true, God)
3. Maybe I was high on happiness-inducing substance when it happened, but I could recall the feeling of being on a date while actually not being on a date.
4. Somehow I can't help feeling sad that some of my good friends aren't "kids" anymore. Not that I'm not happy they've finally graduated, but because they will be going into different directions. :( *Graduation Blues Alert!*
5. I think I know why Dad wants me to be in a stable relationship. If anything happens to him, at least I still have my sister and my future significant other.

And I think that's it.. 

Cheerio!

we sing the nightmare of the lies that you speak

Salah satu teman baik gw baru putus minggu ini. Dan teman baik gw satu lagi tampaknya akan putus besok. Hari ini pas makan sore, gw Fahri Echa dan Raka menguak cerita putus masing-masing (kecuali Echa).

Beda orang beda cerita. Pastinya.

Tadi sempat terpikir, mungkin mantan kita masing-masing juga pernah cerita ke teman mereka (atau ke teman-teman kita yang notabene teman mereka juga) tentang kita. Kalau begitu, pandangan mereka (yang diceritain dan dicurhatin) tentang kita pasti jadi berbeda. Well, it's sort of inevitable, ya ga sih? Tapi tadi, gw yang biasanya suka mikirin pandangan orang tentang gw, entah kenapa ga begitu peduli - asalkan temen-temen gw ga kepengaruh.

Lalu tadi kami sempat ngebahas soal 'apakah salah jadi cowo yang baik?' di dalam suatu hubungan. Hmm.. Secara teori sih ga salah. Bisa merugikan diri sendiri sih, iya. Tapi gw rasa banyak loh cewe-cewe yang ngerasa cowo baik itu susah dicari. Gw, salah satunya. Atau banyak juga cewe-cewe yang ketemu cowo baik tapi sayangnya si cowo baik itu susah digaet. Gw juga, salah satunya.

*curhat colongan alert*

Oh iya, gw ga mesti deskripsikan cowo baik tuh kyk gimana yah. Para wanita tahu pasti kok cowo baik itu seperti apa, dan para pria pun tau apakah mereka masuk kategori baik atau berengsek.

Yah intinya, gw sebagai cewe akan lebih suka kalau cowo-cowo baik yang ada di muka bumi ini tetap jadi cowo baik. Karena hidup gw dan cewe-cewe lain yang mencari cowo-cowo baik akan lebih mudah. Walau mungkin para lelaki baik hati ini akan sering merasa dirugikan, dipermainkan, dan diremehkan sebelum bertemu dengan kami-kami ini. We want you to hang on to being good guys, lads. 'Cause once you've found the right woman, she would never ever ever take you for granted.

So here's to all the good guys, especially the single ones. May you get the one whom you trully deserve. Cheers!

my dancing teacher's advice

"Cewe itu keliatannya nunggu. Tapi sebetulnya dia juga ancang-ancang maju."

Well, yea, he was obviously talking about waltz, but I couldn't help thinking that that advice just doesn't stop right there.

My dancing teacher is inspirational. :p

Anyhoo, at one day Dad texted a weird message saying that he's worried I still haven't got a boyfriend. As I look around and finding nothing interesting (yet), maybe we (me and Dad) may have to wait. After all, good things come to those who wait (and those who get ready). :)

Selamat Menyontreng, Y'all!

chronology of the day

4 PMish. Decided to go to PVJ with Dad. Actually, it was Dad's decision.

5.30 PM. Bought Charles & Keith's bronze sandals!

5.45 PM. Windowshopped at MNG. Good jeans, but pricey. Might buy a fancy top or dress one day.

6.15 PM. Ordered at Hana Sushi (I won't recommend it). Dad tried to strike a conversation with the waitress but failed.

6.16 PM. Desperately needed a real date and was tired of paternal date.

6.40 PM. Dad tried to srike a conversation again with the family sitting beside our table. Another strike out.

7.00 PM. Kept my mouth shut the entire way back home.

7.27 PM. Was getting ready for another PVJ outing with Acc3nturi4n friends, kneeling in front of wardrobe and repeatedly saying 'I'm tired, I'm tired, God, I'm tired' (of lousy Saturdays)

8.00 PM. Laughed out loud with Dad at The Best of Saturday Night Live.

Near 9 PM. Angky called and I rushed out.

10 PMish. Stupid traffic jam! Got a parking slot. Met Ent3rpr1s3 friends, went to see the brondongs.

11 PM. Brondongs going back to hotel. Thanks for Brondong A, who wanted to walk me to the car. :) Brondong E and not-so-brondong Y talked me into having gelato before their movie.

11.40 PM. Oh.I'm.So.Dead.I.Promised.Dad.I'd.Be.Home.Before.12!!! On second thought..nah, I don't care.

12.17 AM. Dad slept through the entire process of me getting home, parking the car and locking the garage. Super-sneaky me! Ha!

12.35 AM. My period has officially started. That explains the raging hormone.....

1.10 AM. Decided to write a post about it and realized that God did damage control of my day today. And wanted to avoid another feeling pathetic episode caused by PMS.

one day you're gonna meet a guy who's gonna make you want to look like a complete idiot

Popularity.

Is not a thing I'm gifted with. Nor charm. Nor eloquence. But I always have my clique or close-knit friends. For me that has been always enough. Plus, I'm the type of person who doesn't want to be a majority.

I see now that it's kind of sad.

I see friends from elementary, junior high and senior high still..I don't know, what's the word?.. bonding? And I feel like being the most worst friend of the planet. And feeling alone, too. And feeling like blaming the way I was grown at home.

I (still) can't go out a lot. Parents never gave out advices on how to make great conversations. I was mostly taught to be independent, and thinking that too much 'pergaulan' could make me gone wrong. Even Dad still asks, "What benefit do you get by hanging out with friends?"

D-uh, D-ad..

Eniwei, I think it has also a side effect on my love life. Little scope of friends means little scope for potential partners. Right? ;D

Yea, so, I made a promise to myself to be more active socially. So the future me won't be as sad and 'kuper' as the current one. ;)

the very reason i need to marry an engineer

..is that my father is one engineer already and it drives me nuts everytime I try to make decisions because he would always, always put his two cents on everything, practically everything but would often leaves hints that I need to do research and forecasting therefore leaves me undecided so it'd be great if my husband has the same smart attitude but would understand that I don't intend doing research and calculation before I decide on buying something that actually doesn't affect the household cashflow.

Ugh!

...

Sorry about that. I just had a bad night yesterday.

Can you believe this person? I said I'd give him a second chance as long as he's not trying to make a move on me. He was bugging me, said he was only wanted to talk. So I gave in.

It was going okay. (I am being merciful as I'm writing this, please note.) We even had fun laughing at my (previous) prejudice on him. But then he had to blew it by asking "Hey, are you close with someone recently?". What kind of friend-talk is that? And you said you only wanted to talk? 

Bullcrap.

I should've trusted my instincts. I know that I have difficulties trusting someone. It was already red alert on this guy and I should've taken that seriously.

..and this post is going depressing. Haha.

Eniweiiii.. (cape pake bahasa Inggris terus), kemaren gw melihat keajaiban pas pergi ke kantor. Ada angkot ngasih jalan buat mobil yang nyebrang (tepatnya buat belok sih). Terus karena kehalang si angkot, mobilnya mesti mundur dulu. Supir angkotnya mau ngebantuin mobil itu mundur biar ga nabrak angkot ataupun mobil gw. Wah..

Isn't it good to know that there are still some polite angkot-drivers around? ;)

And check this out; my Acc3nturi4n friends are coming to toooowwwnn! Woootttt! Yes, the whole bunch, ladies and gentlemen. That only happens once in .. urmm .. 4-5 years?

i'll take whatever i can get?

I just downloaded Zu's latest album, Carboniferous, that scores 83 on Metacritic so far. It's apparently not ear-friendly, nor harmony-friendly. But I guess this is the kind of music I'd like to hear after unpleasant minor events that ruined my day.

It goes without saying that working on weekend sucks big time. I have to finish 6-7 reports by either Monday or Tuesday. I'm currently on Report # 3.

Adding to that, here's the unpleasant minor eventa:

1. I was bothered again. By someone I don't really want to talk to and to talk about.

2. I just found out that my crush has hooked up. Yeah, the crush who got me feeling I am doing the 4 kilometers running test everytime we get in touch. Out of breath and tired.

Am I cursed? :(

besides smart-ass,

I also dislike people who outwelcome their stay.

First of all, I'm not a good person. Far from it. I behave nicely because of social pressure and because I'm scared I'd get bad karma from behaving otherwise.

Second, I'm easily disturbed by people who want my attention but who have nothing really interesting to say to me (close friends, families, amiable co-workers, cute guys, husband potentials excluded).

Put 1 and 2 together, you'd get 3: I don't like responding to people who waste my time AND when I do respond, I get stressed out. Makes me want to jam my shoes into their mouths.

Well, okay, I guess I need an anger management class. Or screw the karma thing altogether.

-untung ada sepatu C&K baru yang dapat menceriakan hatiku :] -

long weekend is a myth

I woke up feeling really tired. That's my fault entirely, because I waited for a download and stayed up late. I don't know if it only occurs to me, but downloading in Google Chrome is a total bleh. It never really finishes and I had to restart a couple of times before I gave up and moved to Firefox.

And then I stupidly made myself late for work. The results are disastrous. I didn't have the time to wash my hair who's gone AWOL. I forgot to change my panty.

Total mess.

Also, due to my new project's sudden request, I couldn't attend my friend's birthday lunch. Well, I didn't know what struck me. I should've gone out and ditched the task. But probably because I didn't want to feel guilty for leaving my co-workers with a tense atmosphere. And neither did I have the time to meet my college friends because of the assignment.

Augh, my Saturday was ruined.

I got a nice little surprise tho'. Thank God for that.

And I can't help but dreading the following week. Can you believe this? Finally a two-days off (I work on Saturdays, mind you) but still a wedding to attend to on Monday and calls to make during the long weekend.

God, I need a proper holiday.

(Kenapa sih mesti nikah hari Senin? *sobs*)

a letter to a friend

a letter to a friend

Hello there,

I've been your friend for more than 3 years and I have not filed any problem to you until right now. Oh yes, I'm going to. I'm sorry if this creates you any discomfort but I just don't know how to solve it by myself.

I tried. Before. Once. When you tried your best to be everything for her; her boyfriend, her bestfriend, her keeper. I was happy for you, I really do. I wasn't happy with us, tho'. You neglected me after you got a girl in your arms. But I never gave up on you then, didn't I?

I know you believe that friends are not made, they just happen. I agree with you. But I'm a big fan of balance and two-way willpower, also. Hence, even if it's meant to be, that's also because we tried - no matter how small our effort was. So I hope you're not thinking of leaving our friendship to the hands of fate - while you were busy chasing girls.

But enough about me. Let's get to you. Don't go all out pouring yourself to another girl. You told me yourself that you also believe that relationships also happen; you can't help it. Take it slow. You have the tendency to be a selfless giver towards the girls you like. That's charming and I'd also kill for a guy like that. But remember the last time you gave your everything? Remember when you said you probably was too nice for your own good?

Yeah, don't be like that again. You'd exhaust yourself. You won't be able to give your friends any deep and genuine attention.

Hey, I admit I'm less attractive than her to you. Or than any of your ex-girlfriends for that matter. And I know by heart I am not your ideal wife or the perfect mother for your children. And yeah, I also did neglect you when I gave my all to a boyfriend - why do you think I'm telling you this, ha? We both learned the hard way.

But I'd never leave you with a broken heart or keep you hanging on. And I hope that fact alone counts for you to hear me out.

(Okay, so I created some dramas or probably too fussy sometimes. Sorry. That's just me being a girl.)

random stuffs before going to bed

We watched rugby today and howdy howdy, let's look at those muscles! So manly! *swoons*

But it makes me ponder tho'. With all those muscles, sometimes they look.. gay. Well, not that I have any problem with that.. Also, when me and my cousin had Activ*a, I just noticed that their taste is rather.. medicine-y? Yuck.

Jadi pengen Elle & Vire.

not as glamorous as i thought it would be

I have quite a contact list on my main Messenger, including those from my previous workplace. Yes, also including those back from my student days that I seldom chat with. With a long list of contacts, alas yet there's little conversation. One of my best friends told me she deleted those who never bother to chat again or those whom she'd never bother again. I can't bring myself to that yet, but there's always a possibility I might.

Back in my MNC days, my Messenger was seldom idle. Either it was work-related or not. And I never went Invisible although I had a lot of work to be done. My previous supervisor once told me smack dab that I had to lessen the use of Messenger (and less browsing). After that incident, I'd like to chat less, of course. The workload in a big consulting company was surely time-demanding and performance-driven, even though I was merely in the supporting workforce. But it was harder than I thought.

There were a lot of people demanding my attention too. Asking me this, asking me that. Work-related and not. Sometimes people would buzz me when I was taking too long to reply or send me a message when I said "I'm busy". I guess it's safe to say that being an HR Rep makes you famous and on high-demand.

I chat less nowadays. There are only 1 or 2 people who'd send me a buzz. People just ignore me when I put on a Busy status. I'm not working on a big consulting company anymore. I'm not handling the information people are dying to know (notice the hyperbole, please); recruitment and a little bit of corporate's compensation and benefit. And I know people are easier to connect when they have at least one major thing in life in common. 

I'm currently working for a small local consulting company - as junior consultant, finally. I'm working on 2 projects at the same time and I just found out that one of my projects is actually of national importance. Well, okay, maybe the second one is also of national importance. But I bet there are only few people interested in what's happening on my projects.

I'm not complaining, really. I'm just fascinated. How different your social life can be depending on your choice of company or workplace or type of job. My new career is glamorous in its career-building and resume's value adding way. My old one was making me on high-demand socially and it is the kind of job who ends every 5 pm from Monday to Friday.

Yes, everything has its trade-offs. I'd cope.

my doctor got me high

Hari Senin tiba-tiba perut gw kram. No, it's not that time of the month. Makanya gw berasumsi kalau kram perut gw dikarenakan les ballroom dance yang tanpa pemanasan atau mungkin karena gw melakukannya terlalu harot. Hehe..

Dan tidur lah gw, dengan harapan besoknya gw udah sembuh.

Ternyata masih kram.

Oke, mulai panik nih. Plus kram-nya udah mencapai perut atas. Waduh, ada apa dengan perut gw? Tiba2 gw teringat urban legend yg ceritanya seseorang sakit perut amat sangat dan ternyata di perutnya ada ular. Tapi perasaan gw ga pernah makan telor ular..

Akhirnya gw memutuskan pergi ke dokter aja. Yea, keliatannya sepele, tapi gimana kalo ternyata dokter gw menemukan bunyi desis dari perut gw? Hahaha.. Duh jangan sampe.

Ternyata, sebetulnya.. maag gw kumat lagi aja.

Tapi heboh bener ya ampe kram begitu. Kata dokter gw sih, kalo maag, simptomnya macem-macem. Bisa perih (udah pernah), mual (pernah juga) sampai kram perut. Kalau kram perut, artinya otot pencernaan gw ya.. kram. (ya eya lah.. ga membantu bgt ya penjelasan gw)

Ga deng. Artinya, otot pencernaan gw tegang karena terlalu berusaha mengolah makanan. Wow.. Kind of funny but also freaky.. Dan setelah disuruh beli Plantacid Forte, gw dikasih obat penahan rasa sakit bernama Tramadol. Tadinya gw tanya, Neuralgin boleh ga (karena do'i tokcer abis gila setiap gw sakit kepala)? Tapi ternyata Neuralgin dan obat lain yg berakhiran -gin itu justru memperparah maag.

I'll keep that in mind.

Nah, Tramadol ini.. Ckckck. Dia emang ga semujarab dan seinstan Neuralgin sih. Gw bilang dia justru terlalu mujarab. Hahahaha.. Sejam dua jam pertama, gw masih ngerasa kram. Pas mau makan siang, gw udah ga ngrasa kram lagi. Beudeuuuhh.. sejam setelah makan, gw udah mulai ngantuk ga karuan dan entah kenapa gw ngerasa psychedelicly calm and content.

Padahal akhir2 ini emosi gw rada ga kekontrol. Hahahaha..

Akhirnya gw nyerah dan tidur selama dua jam. Bangun2.. masih ngantuk dan rada2 fly juga. Hahaha. Buset dah! Terlalu mujarab ini namanya! Mungkin lain kali gue PMS gw makan obat ini aja lagi. Wakakaka..

Hari ini sih gw udah rada mendingan. Tadi pagi tepatnya.. Tapi sekarang mulai kerasa kram lagi. Haduh, repot ya bo'. Padahal gw udah jaga makan gw. :(

Ayo ular, kamu jangan nakal. *hiii sereem*

JUARA! hahahahaha

Pasti judulnya ketutupan air mata...

Tante #1: "Jeng, loe tau kan filmnya siKeanu yang sama cewe yang sakit kanker itu. Gila yah, gua udah nonton empat kali tetep aja selalu nangis... Aduh apa sih judulnya November... November gitu..."

Tante #2: "Oh yang sama Charlize Terong ya. Gua juga sukaaa. Sedih banget ya."

Tante #1: "Bener banget. November apa yaaa... Oh iya, November Rain!"

Tante #2: "Oiya. Bener, bener. November Rain."

Lift Pacific Place, didengar oleh sepasang kekasih yang langsung ingin memainkan solo gitar selama 20 menit sambil makan terong balado.

*taken from ngupingjakarta.blogspot.com :D

my breaking heart and i agree that you and i could never be

Judulnya mellow abis ya.. hahaha. It's a line from Natalie Cole's "I Wish You Love" that tells a story about an ex who has this big heart to wish her ex well. But let's not get deeper into that. I've had enough posts about ex. Hahaha.. Although the song right now sings at a related atmosphere.

Brokenhearted? Nope, not quite.

...

Okay, a bit of that. Mostly, about letting go in the most loving and unselfish way and I wish I could do that easily.

Alriiiiitteeeeee...

Sentimental feelings aside, it sure is good to be back to my beloved almamater. I watched the Olympic's closing ceremony and sure as hell and heaven above, Industrial Engineering won the most medals. And then they did their famous yell. (yes, my BCG fellows, you guys know what it is)

Tau ga sih? Tiba2 gw pengen kalo entar gw punya anak (amiiinn), gw pengen anak gw masuk TI ITB dan tentunya masuk himpunannya juga. Terus gw pengen nonton dia melakukan yell-nya Avanti. I mean, it's too late for me now to change my Bachelor degree, right? And although I can date or marry an Industrial Engineering's Bachelor, what's the best thing he could do? Do the Avanti yell before he propose me?

I don't mind, though. Hahahaha..

I wish SBM would create a yell as good as MTI's. SBM kan terkenal kreatif. *sigh* Sayang banget tahun ini mereka ga mau mengeluarkan pemaen buat ikutan Olimpiade - dan akhirnya kalah WO di semua cabang.

Ga. Banget. Wew. Gw kecewa.

In the morning, you woke me up and irritated me.

After I got off work, we ate sushi with our bare hands because the shopkeeper forgot to give the chopsticks, and you toyed with the information machine at the mall.

Later at night, you told me that you had what I had - tragic love story; which doesn't matter anymore now. She married someone who's not an engineer and doesn't finish his school? Pffttt.. What was she thinking?

But if she didn't, you wouldn't have married Mom. Hahaha.

So, thanks Dad, for making me believe that no one is forever a damaged good - and that having you as a date on Saturday isn't so bad at all. You even laughed at Zack and Miri Make A Porno.

p.s.: Please keep your eyes on the road when you talk. Or just let me drive next time.

lovelorn? hopefully not

I miss my big sis so much! Hahahaha.. Can't wait for December! We just had a nice laptop-call via Skype and Yahoo! (personally, I think Skype is better), and mostly we talked about.. guys. Or lack of them. Oh, and also work, of course.

:D

Anyway, interesting day today is. Got defended by my team not go to another team (thanks a bunch loh, lovely ladies and gentleman). And that one member of the other team said she actually could pull it off. Hmm.. Peculiar. And was kind of agitated by the fact that my friend fell as a victim of match-making, and it turned out quite well so far.

Kenapa ya? Mungkin karena slama ini gw slalu gagal dicomblangin dan usaha sendiri pun susahnya stengah mampus.

Halo Tuhan, oke deh, saya ga minta banyak2. Forget getting me a guitarist. A decent, normal looking guy with shared values and similar sense of humor is enough for me. Atau justru makin susah? Hehehehehe.. :p

Oyaa.. Came across this video (still related to this post topic):



Did you got me the good ones
The real good ones, what you got
Take a water full, the water tastes good
I took the water and the water was hot

Once in a while, once in a while
You got to burn your lips, keep your feelings alive
Once in a while, once in a while
You got to burn down your house, keep your dreaming alive

So, did you get the real good ones
Did you get the good ones
Oh, did you get the real good ones
Did you get the good ones

The Kills - The Good Ones

yihaw!

Dan gw pun CLBK dengan blogspot gw.

Knapa?

Oke, pertama, Multiply itu lambreta leleto bangeto. Kedua..mm.. gw udah banyak nge-post di sini sejak, wait for it... SMA! Dulu, blogspot gw tercinta ini sempet penuh postingan yg agak2 depresif sebelum gw tinggalkan dan gw pun selingkuh dengan Multiply. Tapi gw putuskan untuk 'mencintai' blog ini lagi dengan memberikannya layout baru! Dan menghapus postingan2 penuh derita duka lara!

Yeaaahhh..

Eniwei, ada yang tau cara ngegeser si body blog gw ini biar ke tengah ga? Soalnya doi mepet abis ke kiri dan membuat space kanan blog gw kosong melompong.