dear you; yours truly, me 27.6.09

Dear Yumni,

Uh oh your name on top! Don't you feel special or what? Yeah, I rarely update my blog. Apparently lately I have been re-activated somehow? But do you know something? This is unfair, I do not get to read yours anymore. You did not invite me to your private blog last time remember! :(

Dear Syaa,

Wah, it was really fun to be 'strangling' you from behind last night at Naim's house last night. Well, just that I know how that tickles and that really seems cute. Why is it again I am blogging about this? Will be going for your housewarming!

Dear Rasyid (+ Rahman later),

Woah, after about half a year, a bit of maturation there, boy! More grown mustache, or something, hahah. Glad to see you again, my friend! Hope everyone else is doing good too. Take care of Adib when he gets to where you were a week ago. Err, take care of? Nevermind, friends should take care of each other! But hey, with the number of my friends here in Monash decreasing, I am sure gonna get more sad, so there goes here also for Rahman (the maturation point up there has nothing to do with you if you ever even read this). The least - it'd be good to know if my friends are doing well! So take cares!

Dear home,

I will get to you soon. :) One of the good reasons is to bother and chase my white cat that has halved voice (or something) - is it in your genes, passed hereditarily by your father to you in previous generations before without being truly expressed? Because you're a unique cat that is unlike your previous generation...
OK, knock it off, get that genetics out of your head! The exam was not a good memory!!
Other than that, Seremban the too-much-for-nothing here I come. Sis, really into Transformers that you decided to give yourself some break from your day job huh?

Dear world and everyone else,

I finished my exams. For anyone who hasn't, I really wish you well. Now do I realise that I have been through half of the course here at Monash? 1.5 years to go. Really, I have to do a change of strategy of something or else... money can really fly into a flopped subject. I really have to value my every 10 cent, haha. Now I am only relaxing and going out as I wish till I go back home. Hah, baju tak basuh lagi! Err, I think I will need to come back here from home before I even realise it; the holidays are too short, and the fasting month would be approaching soon after. Eh, tiba-tiba terpikir pasal Raya dah. Nahh. Everyone take care ok? Break a leg but don't lose one. I care for ya! It's a world full of surprises out there.

Your struly,

If
- lonely stranger -

wake 24.1.09

Missed what I planned to do for the ifest, as I spent many days in sickness again. I should be telling myself every morning now, get up and have my breakfast by 9 am, or I will pull my own ears to wake myself up for that purpose. Or ask someone else to do so. Or else, get sick like that again.

More importantly, during the past several days, there is one thing I particularly understood only now. Sorry sis, and thanks too. Thanks partly for your care while I was really unable to do much with that kind of health. Sorry, I just found out, though. And well, it leaves us feeling lifeless, I can relate - it still gets to me now, but remember, others around you will always love you and support you anyways :)

And remember to think of happy theme songs :)

harapan 19.12.08

Ah...

Di mana aku telah lama hilang harap akan sesuatu, dan tidak mahukannya, dan tak pula mahu berusaha apa-apa lagi mengenainya. Aku tak dapat membayangkan pun aku boleh melakukannya kerana harapanku telah lama hilang berkenaan perkara ini.


Tapi tiba-tiba aku diletakkan harapan untuk melakukan perkara itu semula. Harapan yang boleh dikatakan agak tinggi daripada keluargaku, orang penting hidupku. Harapan untuk berusaha dahulu sebelum kemungkinan itu benar-benar hilang.


Aku tak suka ini. Kerana aku sudah hilang harapan untuk berusaha untuknya.

weeha part 3 18.11.08

Mak dan Kak Aqi kata aku pandai mengurut. Bila aku kata dengan mak, kenapa tak minta abah urut? Mak mencuka - abah urut bukan mengurut, abah buat memang lagi sakit tempat yang diurut kata mak. Di hospital hari tu, aku juga tolong urut belakang dengan kepala mak. Menurut mak, keesokan hari lepas aku mengurut, tempat aku urut akan rasa sakit. Haha. Petanda buruk atau pun baik? Entah lah.

Apa rasa urutan ku yang sebenarnya, aku tak tahu. Tapi bercakap mengenai urut-mengurut tadi dengan Sya dan Qeela, aku pula terfikir. Bila aku balik Seremban saja, selalunya Kak Aqi, kakak kedua aku, akan minta urut, tak pun mak. Yang aku tahu, jadi tukang urut memang cepat lenguh tanganku. Lagi-lagi bila urut tengkuk ke bahu orang. Aku ni siapa pula yang nak urut? Aih. Hari itu pernah la sekali, ada tren urutan, aku urut mak, Kak Aqi urut aku, macam cerita Sepet la lebih kurang (ke Gubra?). Minta semula kakak aku urut aku selalunya balas mereka, tak reti. Aku tak kira, nak mintak urut aku sikit-sikit cukup lah, tak kisah la reti ke tak. Ingat aku reti sangat? Aku bantai saja, tapi entah, kadang-kadang mereka akan minta lagi aku urut mereka. Kata abah, aku perlu kenakan charge lain kali, at least pun sekali urut lima ringgit untuk servis yang diberikan. Bagus juga idea ni.

Hahaha. Boleh lah berbangga juga jika aku memang ada skil ini. (tiada niat untuk menunjuk-nunjuk, ehem)

Tapi memang letihlah.

Ahshhshh, kini kelas wajib Malaysian Studies dah nak mula. Malas betul.



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Now playing: John Mayer - Why Georgia
via FoxyTunes

kid-hood 16.11.08

Being a kid is so fun, LoL.

Taman Rashidah Utama: an old neighbourhood. SO it's kinda hard to find kids in this area where I grew up in and still live in ever since I was born. This neighbourhood had a song to it sung by Awie back in the past decade coz Aida Aris used to be my neighbour when I was a kid! Sorta like that. So I am proud of this place although there isn't much around here.

I mean it's hard to find kids in the houses of the residents, except the houses near mine where they had been turned into hostels for the sekolah agama nearby. Ever since the sekolah agama was built around here, it isn't as lonely as it used to be, school kids making noises nearby! Pepagi buta menyanyi lagu entah pape. And as the school makes announcements or teachers call out for students, I could hear them. Like ustaz yelling at the boys to wake up for Subuh prayers back during Ramadhan.

"Bangun bangun! Sahur mau jemaah. Subuh tak mau pulak jemaah!"

Now my niece and nephew live here for the moment, Kak Ilya's children, making the home livelier. Safwan and Hannah's behaviour can be really out of place sometimes. It makes me wonder:

Wow, I used to be like that when I was a kid?

e.g. Hisap botol susu sampai berlubang puting? Tercabut terus?

I kinda thought so, coz I kinda remembered it happened. ^^

pencarian 28.9.08

Aku hidup dalam pencarian.

Kini aku berada di Kulim, di rumah kakakku dan menggunakan internet di sini buat pertama kalinya dengan celcom broadband. Di sini, salah satu perkara unik yang akan dihadapi hampir tiap kali aku melawat keluarga kakakku yang tinggal di rumah ini ialah keadaan tiap kali anak saudara lelaki aku dimarahi oleh ibunya dan merajuk. Bukan apa, ia kelakar; cakap orang tak mahu didengar, maka dia dimarahi dan akhirnya dia akan menangis, menjerit dengan kuat dan menghentak-hentak kaki tanpa mahu disentuh sesiapa. Kau akan tahu yang keadaan sudah kembali reda bila volume suaranya yang awal-awal kuat tadi makin perlahan dan dia akan buat hal lagi. Itulah selalunya keadaan di sini. Bayangkan keadaan kau begitu semasa kecil dulu masa berumur 3 - 4 tahun.

Jadi, aku akan pergi ke Arau, Perlis pula selepas ini. Di sana keadaannya lebih menarik, bertemu keluarga belah mak yang banyak telatah kelakar. Kebanyakan mereka juga sudah lanjut usia, yalah, mak pun bongsu dari 7 adik-beradik. Aku yang paling lama tak balik ke sana berbanding dengan orang lain dalam keluargaku sekarang, memandangkan aku ini "selalu sibuk". Ugh.

Tapi apa pun aku tetap gembira tiap kali balik ke sana. Adik-beradik mak ialah tukang masak terhandal sekali yang aku tahu seumur hidupku. Walaupun aku lah yang paling diam tiap kali berada dengan saudara mara, dan tidak seaktif yang lain, dan tak banyak nak membuat apa-apa kerana tak tahu melainkan diajar dan disuruh (takut buat salah), aku tetap suka berada di kampung ini. Buat suatu masa, aku akan berasa suka hati dan lupa segala perkara yang membelenggukan kepala otakku ini bila berada dengan mereka ramai-ramai. Kekosongan tetap dirasai kadang kala, mungkin sekali itu memang keadaan hidupku. Jika tiada kekosongan itu, aku mungkin selalu dan lebih banyak lagi bersuara dalam hidupku. Tidaklah aku kadang-kadang termenung tanpa sebab yang nyata. Dan aku juga mungkin mempunyai lebih banyak rakan. Dan sesiapa yang teman serumah denganku tidaklah pula berasa bosan mempunyai roommate seperti aku ni. Terbukti, sejak aku masih sekolah berasrama, aku memang jenis tak berapa rapat dengan rakan sebilik/serumah. Lebih kuranglah, kecuali di plkn sahaja. Di luar rumah, mungkin aku lebih aktif dengan orang lain. Lebih kurang di rumah di Seremban, aku bagaikan terlalu pasif. Di situ, sering handphone aku tinggalkan terabai, hinggakan habis bateri atau habis kredit pun tidak selalu ku kisah. Tunggulah bermulanya semula kelas (jika cuti duduk di rumah), baru hendak kisah apa yang berlaku dengannya. Maka boleh expect aku tidak reply jika sesiapa yang menghantar mesej. Aku rasa handphone itu memanglah penting untuk berhubung, tapi bagi aku tak payahlah hendak cari yang canggih sangat. Sebab aku tahu aku hanya akan excited dengan segala functions yang ada mula-mula sahaja, lepas itu, selalunya aku akan jarang gunakannya.

Jadi?

Aku masih mencari sesuatu. Aku tak begitu pasti apakah ia. Walaupun aku seharusnya bersyukur dengan apa yang sudah ada. Di dalam sifatku yang terlalu diam berada di rumah dan saudara, aku masih diterima. Walaupun aku tetap berasa kadangkala aku diketepikan, bagaikan aku hanya memainkan satu peranan yang kecil sahaja dalam keluargaku berbanding yang lain. Mungkin aku sendiri tidak berusaha untuk menjadi lebih berperanan.

Aku kira aku suka menolong orang. Cuma tak pula suka-suka mengoffernya kerana agak segan T_T. Untuk itu, dalam sesetengah perkara, aku dianggap terlalu baik. Tapi aku gemar pula bergurau dan membuat banyak belok kanan & kiri sebelum mahu menawarkan bantuan - mungkin aku mahu menentukan jika seseorang itu mahu menerima bantuan aku atau tidak. Mengapa mahu selalu tolong orang sebenarnya? Mungkin itu caranya aku menyumbat kekosongan aku, bagi akulah. Jadi adakah ia sesuatu yang tak patut, bagaikan Nakahara Misaki dalam Welcome to N.H.K.? Tapi bukan setiap perkara akan aku tolong. Aku mencari sesuatu yang unik dalam setiap pertolongan yang aku berikan, tidak bermakna aku mengharapkan balasan. Dari sesuatu yang aku mungkin dapat dari itu, ia memberi aku kepuasan, kegembiraan. Dan seboleh-bolehnya aku mengelak mengatakan apa-apa atau merungut dalam memberi pertolongan itu walaupun ia sukar. Tapi aku manusia, tak dapatlah menjadi begitu sempurna. Teringatkan lagu Sempurna: bagaikan tidak suka lagu itu untuk liriknya, tapi menyukainya untuk musiknya sahaja kerana gitarnya. Tiada apa yang sempurna zaman kini selain Tuhan sendiri, dan bagiku mengatakan seseorang itu sempurna adalah mengarut walaupun itu hanya lagu untuk seorang kekasih. Haha, memang aku sendiri rasa pelik dengan pendapatku ini. Lagu Kamek Sayang Kitak itu sendiri lagi bagus.

Aku juga berharap dapat berkongsi apa-apa dalam hidupku ini yang dapat menggembirakan seseorang kerana dengan berbuat itu sendiri aku akan gembira. Walau sekecil mana pun perkara itu asalkan dapat memberikannya kegembiraan walaupun sementara. Walaupun aku tak dapat define dengan pasti apakah itu kegembiraan itu sendiri dalam hidupku, bagiku. There is no such thing as eternal happiness for me, unless when you go to heaven, someday. Selepas tiap kegembiraan akan ada suatu masa yang membuatkan kita down. Jadi, walaupun dapat memberi kegembiraan walaupun sekejap kepadanya, aku sudah sedia gembira, walaupun aku tahu ia tidak berkekalan. Dan walaupun pada masa down, aku tetap akan bersamanya jika diperlukan dan tidak mengganggunya jika diminta, aku faham akan masa yang diperlukan untuk berseorangan. Pergilah buat benda lain buat sementara. Dan bila tiba masanya aku harap dapat membuatnya ketawa lagi, kegembiraannya saja sudah cukup. Walaupun aku mungkin tidak akan dapat menyelesaikan masalah sesiapa dengan hanya berada dalam hidup mereka, aku harap aku akan tetap dapat membawa suatu perubahan yang lebih baik walau sekecil mana pun. Aku mencari, untuk aku berikan kegembiraan walaupun untuk 2 saat (and hence) dapat membuatkan aku gembira juga. Skil yang aku suka mengenai seseorang hanyalah secara utamanya, able to talk and listen to others. Walaupun yang aku kira selama ini, orang yang aku suka ialah orang yang senget semuanya. That doesn't mean it's a bad thing, though. Aku sendiri senget orangnya, cuma tak diketahui saja. Itulah yang unik mengenainya. Aku boleh membuat kesimpulan di sini bahawa aku suka orang yang senget, not literally.

Dan dalam waktu down yang sering melanda ni, musik lah antara sahabat terbaik. Genre utama kegemaran aku ialah rock, dan itu pun bergantung juga. Aku lebih kepada alternative rock atau adult alternative. Sesuatu yang rancak, lively dan memberi inspirasi atau semangat. Tapi certain rock yang agak berat aku tak suka seperti Korn atau Limp Bizkit, walaupun aku suka juga Muse (beratkah?). Dan aku tidak gemar hip-hop sekarang atau R&B atau sama adik-beradik dengannya, kecuali sesetengah lagu sahaja. Aku dengar semula lagu-lagu klasik zaman dahulu... bukanlah begitu lama, sebenarnya. Zaman lagu 90'an adalah yang terbaik, bagi akulah terutama untuk Malaysia. Dari KRU ke Ukay's ke Umbrella ke BSB ke Aerosmith ke Bryan Adams ke Richard Marx, kebanyakannya aku suka, tak kiralah kapak, gergaji atau pop. Zaman sekarang ini aku jarang pula dengar radio, tetap ada yang best, cuma sumber musik aku ialah internet - google, top charts, limewire, torrents etc. Tak pun lagu-lagu instrumental atau orchestra seperti soundtrack dari anime atau drama Jepun.

Heh, dan aku sangat suka lagu old school Janji Tinggal Janji ini.

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Now playing: KRU - Janji Tinggal Janji
via FoxyTunes

ah 14.4.08

Ah. Somehow kinda miss kontot. Who? He was a male cat I had back few years at home who loved putting his face in the middle of my legs to hide his face, in order to go to sleep as a way to bermanja, I guess. But he disappeared, don't know what happened to him, he never came back home. :(
And somehow I miss him lately, and the other cats at home. Cit (buncit, lol) is still at home, who I got at the same time with kontot, a female sibling of kontot. Her first-round daughter kerekot (speaking of her tail) and second-round daughter koko are also at home. Speaking of kerekot whom I call kot, always reminds me of kontot whom i called tot back then. Kot has this cracking voice everytime she meows, kinda funny. So at the same time, I miss kot... huhu. And I need not mention that I miss home, of my family there, now that I'm talking about the cats that I have at home.

Ah. Workloads. So many of them. It gets uncountable, sometimes I don’t know where to begin. Once I began, I can get too careful in certain aspects, so much it can consume so much time which is really unnecessary but for me, if I don’t do that, it feels incomplete.

Ah. People. So many attitudes and behaviours that are out of my understanding. It can drive me crazy, it’s so puzzling. Some other parts of it are amusing, though, it gives a whole new perspective to life to meet new people.

Ah. Food. So little of this, though, compared to the so many of the stuff mentioned above. It’s either I get too lazy to find this and get them, or I just don’t have what it takes (money) to get the food. Regardless of the fact that I have received my money from MARA, the habit of getting too little food for my own good sticks the same. It is to save money, and this, we all know, is very important. If not, I would have bought too many of what I don’t really NEED, but too many of what I just WANT.

Ah. Sleep. Too much or too little? Saa na. Sometimes I get too little of it, later on in the next sleeping session, I tend to give myself too much of it to redeem for the previous session. That seems unnecessary, again. Yet sleep is really one of the best things in the world, whew, indescribable.

Ah. Time. No one can really get enough of this. To get more of this sometimes, I tend to sacrifice the aforementioned things – food, sleep, going out or talking with people, maybe. Just to give more time to myself, which I do need. Yeah this is an important necessity, so it’s crucial to separate the time I spend with others (be it things @ people) and the time I spend with myself, in my own world. Indeed I still feel lost sometimes when I get left behind, maybe other people get used to my action of keeping things to myself and so they tend to leave it at that, not asking me anything else further. That feeling of being ignored, left out, alone, unimportant, arises yet again. Yet it happens, but really it’s not anyone’s fault.

Get used to it.

I am beginning to give myself a chance in life to get used to some things now. Time to get back to reality. Maybe, as they say, time to move on with life. Don’t look back. Err, jangan pandang belakang?

And there should be some point where I should start. Like for my workloads, if I want to stop feeling left behind, or maybe, stop feeling dumb enough in doing any of them or stop feeling lost by not being able to understand my subjects here in Monash, I got to start early, focus more in classes and lectures. If there would be extra timing anywhere, use it wisely to finish up my work or study. Study smart as people put it, not study hard. I don’t think I look like the study hard person, I don’t know about that, but I know my ways of studying. It rarely involves much use of the textbooks I own. Not to say that buying them was a waste, there are uses for it. I take back the knowledge contained within the books and put it in the computer. Possibly coz I know studying with the books or any physical notes tend to make me feel sleepy way faster than if I study with my laptop. This worked in AUSMAT before SSABSA, sure I feel confident enough it works for me now. Get any additional information I could get from extra resources like the internet, sure I love doing this since I love the internet – plus that I could do other things in between, like e-mails and games etc. Still I have to set my boundaries on that, I know. Still, not that I will always study with the computer only. Conventional ways are still on the go, since I won’t have the time or convenience to drag my laptop (and hard disk, hmm) around all that often – makes me wish I have a PDA or so, hehe. That’d be a dream; maybe I’d get that in another 10 years when I have more money (of which by that time, maybe PDAs are really old school already). So I still make my own notes and print some of the notes given my lecturers for instant use. Any other additional infos I took on the notes, I probably will transfer them into my laptop later on, seems like that really tells ya how the stuff in my laptop is my primary way to study. I enjoy doing notes with computer softwares, even if they can be tedious at times. Hey, one of those I enjoy, OneNote of Office 2007, and also EverNote that I used to use a lot last year; those EverNotes notes are still kept in my old AUSMAT folders, in case if I were to use them again. For all that effort, some say I am hardworking, “bagusnya”, “rajinnya”, which seem weird enough to me, haha, considering the fact that I just do all that since it’s my best studying method. I am really too lazy when it comes to opening up the books. Besides, to keep myself busy is a good way to forget other things bugging my mind, especially if it’s keeping me busy with the computer. If it is considered hardworking, then, cool :D

And also, it’s a big world out there with many kinds of people. Liven it up; people, food and opportunities may come to you when you least expect it. Hehe