Well the blackouts have begun.

I figured as soon as we started tipping over on the hot side of 100F several days in a row the blackouts would start. Sure enough, my parents got home last night and there was a letter from Edison saying that their neighborhood would have a blackout from 7am-2pm today. We're also supposed to check the paper to see if our neighborhoods are targeted for blackouts should they be ordered. I laughed at my parents since they were in the first neighborhood. They'll laugh back when its mine they're after. 'Course I'm not home during those hours, but the house will be hot as Hades when I get home. Their power was back on shortly before two. I'm wondering how long it will take to cool the house back down. They've got huge cathedral ceilings and face the desert.

Aside from that not much news here. People are starting to touch my stomach. I guess I should get used to that. Its so weird, though.
Oh, and yesterday I picked up this three drawer rubber maid organizer...the kind on wheels. I thought we'd just start tossing baby stuff in there as we got it until I get baby furniture so I'll have places to store it. I need to have a closet built in or get an armoire, too. Anyway, I brought it home and its already FULL. *sigh* my baby already has 10 hats and its still incubating. No..mama isn't a shopaholic. Oh, well. This baby won't want for anything that's for sure.

Thank you God for letting me be pregnant one more minute, one more hour, one more day.
Do not let fear rob me of my joy!

I need to learn things

I've been reading tons o' blogs today and I need to learn how to do more with mine. I want to add links to my favorite blogs. I want to learn to link, period. But do you know what? I'm too lazy. I just want someone to cut off the top of my head and pour the information in and then *boom* I'm able to do it. I don't want to *work* at knowing.
This does is not just a blogger problem. It is a rampant part of my life right now. It is why my thesis is collecting dust. Its why I refused to do math in school. It is why I still can't change a tire. My poor husband will be explaining something to me and I'll say "I have no intention of actually learning what you're telling me."
When did this happen to me? Did graduate school suck out every fiber of an interest in learning? Has all the stuff I have to do for work reached my brain quota? Is it all the hours of brainless 90210 I've been watching? (Oh shut up. You have vices, too)

And on a baby note....
I'm thinking of actually springing for my first big ticket item for the baby. You know, invest a little cash and maybe my heart will follow and not turn back. My heart is fickle these days. It runs along the path towards happiness and all of a sudden ducks under a rock when I least expect it.
So far we've only bought little things for Bean. A classic pooh bear that makes music or womb noises, bibs, booties, one blanket, hats (my husband said this kid is gonna be like me...all shoes and hats)(he still hasn't forgiven me for my bridal tea with hats)(he wasn't invited so I don't know why he cares that we all decked ourselves out in ridiculous hats)(I had fun).
So, I'm thinking what should the first big thing be? We have a white iron bassinet that I've had for years, but I don't know if I'll actually *use* it for the baby. I might just store all the blankets and stuffed animals in there. I'm going to get a small bassinet for our bedroom for right after Bean is born. We need the pack-n-play that is bassinet/changing table/play pen for downstairs. We need that huge-ass SUV style stroller. We need all kinds of things. I should make a list and then throw a dart at it.

Thank you God for letting me be pregnant one more minute, one more hour, one more day.

I know what my superpower would be if I could choose one:

Finding missing persons. Whenever I see something on the news about someone who is missing I get obsessed about it. Today there are two people missing that I hope they find safe and alive (which almost never happens, *sigh*) Lori Hacking and the kid from UCLA who disappeared taking the bus to school.
While I would like to know about every missing person, I think my brain would overload from the thought of them. So, for all of you have a loved one who is missing. I am truly sorry. I pray that God brings you peace and that your loved one finally finds their way home (even if that home is to be buried--I can't imagine not having a place to grieve).

I feel like I need to do penance for saying goodbye to a baby that was perfectly healthy. I feel so badly about distancing myself from my poor, beautiful, perfect child. I have had a change since yesterday. Who knows how long this new joy will stay, but for now joy has moved in. I'm waiting to see if she unpacks her bags. When she starts washing the dishes, I'll know she's made herself at home.
This weekend I told Dave "I don't like being pregnant. Its so hard." Of course, this weekend, I was in the depths of despair. When I relayed this conversation to my mother she said, "Just wait until you are raising them. THAT'S hard."
I tried to explain, that, yes, I'm sure that will be hard. But, its different entirely from relying on your body to make sure that a baby is created and formed to be a healthy, perfect soul...when you've discovered that not only can you not *control* your body, but you mightn't be able to trust it either. I was telling both of them that I try and do a "check" to see if everything's ok. I feel like if all of this stuff is happening in my body, then I should have some sense of whether everything is alright or if something has gone horribly wrong. I focus all of my mental energy and turn up empty handed, because I can't tell.
So, I have to rely on my body's unknown mechanism for building a baby. There is very little I can do truth be told, to affect this outcome.
When they're out of your body, you have a hell of a lot more control. And, at least you can see that they're alive. Its all more tangible.
And stop telling me to "just relax" people. You know me. I'm a neurotic and crazy woman. I cannot "just relax"
But, the doppler hasn't come out of the drawer since last Thursday. Dave says it has to go home. I'm hoping I can hang on to it and use it later in my pregnancy--for good, not evil.
I'm also having to control what I feed my head. I can't read all the bad posts on the message boards anymore. I am far too impressionable girl. I feel for all those people, I really do...but for my mental health I've got to put the kibosh on all the crap that gets into my head. I think that line between crazy and sane has become a superhighway for me.
And, while I haven't forsaken God, my trust and faith took a nosedive this weekend, and He gave me a miracle anyway. So, for what its worth, I've got to give back. Tenfold. Because my baby is alive and wiggling.

I don't think I've ever wanted to be wrong as much as I did today. I wanted to be totally, completely wrong. I had convinced myself that I'd be headed into a D&C on Friday with my husband out of town. I had said goodbye to my baby. I was terrified.
I was wrong.
Yes, indeed, I was wrong. We have a happy, healthy baby measuring 12 weeks 2 days. Crown to rump measurement of 57mm and a heartbeat of 150.  We saw the baby wave and jump and got two really bad pictures where you can hardly see anything.
I had a miracle today.
Fortunately, we saw the female PA instead of the doctor and she was *so* great. She tried to hear it with her doppler and couldn't, so she dragged me across the hall for ultrasounds.
She even hugged me. She took time to explain things to me. She was wonderful. She also said she can't promise that nothing will happen, but I'm pretty much out of the woods.
I'm going to have a baby!

I am a half glass of despair and half glass of faith today. Truth be told, the despair is taking over and I am not fighting against it as I should.
On our drive to Arizona--6.5 hours--I worked out my rage toward the doctor's office in my head--allowing myself to wallow in it. By the time we got to my Nana's I was feeling better. It was so nice to see her. We drove up to the mountains the next day and sat through a lovely thunderstorm. A thunderstorm in the mountains is pretty cool--especially since their mountain house is a mobile home so it amplifies the thunder. Lightening struck here and there around the neighborhood and the ground shook.
When the storm was gone, we went to their country club for the "Seafood Extravaganza" My grandparents have been members of this club since something like 1969-so I've been going all my life. That place has happy memories. We even had my grandparents' 50th wedding renewal of the vows/party there. I had one plate of food and Dave ate "piles and piles of food" as he would say.
The next morning we took a walk through what used to be woods and now is a neighborhood in the woods. Saw no elk, and I'm afraid the days of worrying that a bear will show up at the door are few and far between (not that that is so fun when it actually happens, so I hear).
I drove us back to the Valley the next day--through the mother of all thunderstorms. There was practically no visibility and mudslides, etc. UGH!
The weekend would have been great had Nana not talked so excitedly about my baby. I have still not resolved all of that in my head. This weekend I felt myself pulling away from the baby and preparing myself for the worst. Every mention of my baby--or babies in general made me cringe. Where has my hope gone? My faith? My joy?
My appointment is tomorrow and, of course, I am terrified. I think I'll use the doppler tonight. I am going to have to bite my tongue tomorrow and not tell off the desk staff for being so condescending and patronizing when I called full of anxiety and fear.
And, C, I assure you that know the *whole* medical community isn't like that--I come from a vastly medical family m'self =) In my sane moments, I know its just a few that suck ass. *grin*

So, I'll be praying on my knees tonight  that everything is fine tomorrow.

I'm really effing mad at the medical profession right now. They can all kiss my....
well you know.
Everyone said, "call your doctor in the morning." My wonderful, but naive, husband thought they'd see me. I didn't.
So I call. "Hi," I say "I was wondering if you could squeeze me in for an appointment today. I'm nervous that something is wrong."
"Well who are you?" says the voice on the other end
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Kether Foisel."
"Are you even pregnant?"
"Yes. 12 weeks."
A scoff comes from the line, "What makes you think there is something wrong?"
"Well. We rented a doppler and you can hear the heartbeat clearly, but its slow."
"How do you know its slow?"
"We counted it."
"And that makes you think there is something wrong?"
"Yes, it was low. 100"
"But, you're only 12 weeks. What was it when you came in?"
"I don't know. They didn't tell me."
"Let me pull your chart and see" "Honey, the nurses say they can't even hear the heartbeat with our doppler at 12 weeks. What you are hearing is not the baby. It is your own heartbeat. Do not worry. This is why we recommend against renting a doppler, because you don't know what you're doing and you're not trained."
I say thank you and hang up the phone before the curse words stream from my mouth followed by overwhelming tears.I am *NOT* an idiot--why do they insist on treating me like one?
And, for the record, you bitch, I called and cleared renting the doppler with your effing office BEFORE I rented it.
So, again, Kiss my ASS.

We're going to Arizona. The doppler is staying home. I am putting this in God's hands. After our appointment Monday at 10:15, we'll be changing doctor's--not that I think there's a compassionate office out there...but just out of spite.

God can handle this. Even if I can't.

Its 2am and I've gotten up. No matter how much I pray, my mind gets the better of me and I'm freaked out. I woke up pouring with sweat. Am I going to lose this one? I am terrified. I told Dave that I am terrified that we're meant to be one of those couples who travels all the time and spends all their money on themselves.
Bless his heart, he tried to be there for me as I sat sobbing last night. Our plan is to call the OB first thing in the morning and see if we can get in for a quick appointment before we leave town.I'm afraid I'll ruin our weekend--and my Nana is so excited about it.
I know there's a lot of prayer going up for little bean right now. That should relieve my anxiety-so why am I up at 2 in the morning?

Thank you for letting me be pregnant one more minute, one more hour, one more day. Please help me get through the night.

I am freaking myself out over the heartrate again. Just plain freaking out. I'm already on the edge and my hormones seem to have hijaked the pilot's seat. I need help. I need prayer. I need a miracle to speed that heart up.
Father God,
Thank you for this miraculous child inside of me. You know my worry about my baby's heart rate. I come to you asking for it to speed up and asking for peace and release from worry. Please let the heart beat faster so that my baby can get enough oxygen and develop into a healthy, perfect baby that we can hold in our arms in February. I am panic stricken. I need your guidance and your peace and your miracle of a fast hearbeat. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

I'm going to pack. Goin' to Scottsdale tomorrow to take my Nana up to her mountain house to get away from the heat.

The sky is black. The sun is red. The fires are still burning. We are surrounded by fire. The Lake Hughes fire is almost contained, I think. Now it is burning on the other side and the smoke is thick. I hate fire season. It stresses me out.
When I was in college in my first apartment, the Highway 41 fire happened in San Luis Obispo. I had a studio apartment with one window. The fire knocked out our power. Then, here come the police officers on a loud speaker telling us we have fifteen minutes to get out. It was dark in my apartment...I ran around collecting things...pictures, my cat, some clothes, etc. Packed up my car and headed out of town. Discovered I only had a quarter of a tank of gas. Couldn't get gas anywhere....all the power was out. Couldn't pay for gas anyway...had no cash.
I drove to Santa Maria where my parents drove up to meet me. It was a long and stressful night. Finally, I was allowed to go home.
You'd think I'd be more disaster prepared from that experience. I'm not. My wallet is still empty. My car is probably close.
 
That's all I can muster writing today. I am so very tired. Tomorrow I am 12 weeks pregnant. Still worried about that slow (110) heartbeat...but the baby is still alive. Praise God. I need to find my joy. I hope God drags me to it.
 

Another weekend comes to a close...
It was a pretty good one. Friday the zoo...Saturday a party at a friend's house and tonight we had the fam (parents and bro and sis in law) for dinner for my parents' birthdays last week. We had game night, which we all enjoy. First a horrible round of uno where I ended up with something like over 20 cards and then we played Cranium, which is a hell of a fun game.
We actually won on one of our more difficult cards--the green ones--where you have to act things out or hum them, etc. Well, my person to act out was James Bond. You can't say names or places....but all I said in a horrid scottish accent was "Drop your panties!" and my beloved husband knew right away to say "James Bond"
Of course my family thought we cheated. But, a long time ago I saw Dana Carvey do this impression of Sean Connery as James Bond and he said "Drop your panties!" and ever since then when D watches James Bond, I say that.
 
I'm feeling much better about the baby today. God has granted me peace. I think every thing is going to be ok. May I have peace tomorrow, too and every day beyond!
Bless you little Bean, I love you!

The whole "fam damily" (as my grandparents call it) went to the LA Zoo today (yes, even SIL). It was so odd--I worked there as a teenager as a volunteer giving tours and as an assistant to a zookeeper. I have very wonderful memories as they were some of the happiest times in my life! I remember once reading in Anne of Avonlea where she says she "meets old ghosts of herself everywhere she goes." That's how I feel when  I go to the zoo--except so much has changed and half of the zoo is under construction now and soon it will be barely recognizable. Though the old grey donkey I used to take care of is still there. I couldn't get its attention. We had a good family time despite the humidity.
 
I am continuing to work on my faith and trust that this pregnancy will go well. I think I feel myself pulling away out of fear. At the zoo, there were many pregnant women and I kept praying that I will make it that far with a healthy baby.
 
When I got home I looked up the normal range for fetal heartbeats. Everyone online keeps saying that theirs are around 160-170 and mine is nowhere near that. I counted and its between 108 and 110. I found something that says 120-160 is normal and another that said 110-160 is normal. So, we're on the low end of normal probably. See what I mean about ignorance being bliss? I never should have counted. Its a strong heartbeat with a regular rhythm--and IT IS BEATING! I should drop on my knees and thank God I have that much. Lord help me if the baby's APGAR scores aren't perfect. And if the babies in the playgroup start to crawl before mine. I guess I can't help it, though. I just want to make sure my baby is healthy and living and *perfect*
But someone reminded me that God loves this baby even more than I do, so I really need to put it in his hands.
 
Tonight my dh gave me his highschool honors English paper to read. They had as a graduation requirement to write a 10pg 6 source paper. He didn't want to do it, but had to to graduate (apparantly he didn't have to pass as he received a 0). He wrote ten pages about the first page, some random lines in the middle and the last page--openly admitting--no delighting in the fact that he didn't read the whole page. He says he will henceforth call the author Bert, because he "can't pronounce his Frenchy last name" (Camus). It was beautiful. One line said "The forehead is a sign of life, resisting the advance of death" It goes on and on--beautifully written and hysterically funny. His teacher wrote that she hoped he would enjoy looking at the F on his report card as much as she enjoyed reading the paper.
Its so funny to see this other side of my husband--don't get me wrong--I knew he was a smartass, but he also was top of his class in his BS and MS. He's a do-the-right thing kind of guy--get's his tires rotated right on schedule--so to see how much cajones he had to turn that in....makes me love 'im.
 
I read part to my mom (a college English prof) and she called me back to ask if the smartass gene is dominant...because we *both* are --I told her there is no hope with this child.
 
I'm off to listen to the doppler. May God bless and keep little bean.
 

Why do I allow myself to lose faith? Because its easy.
Well, after a minor panic attack and a frantic post on the Feb EC board and Pregnancy after loss, I did some googling. I found several wave files of fetal heartbeats and they sound just like mine does. A few sounded "galloping horse-ish" but most have the same swoosh swoosh swoosh like mine does. They sounded *exactly* the same. Feeling better, I decided to go plunk the thing over my heart. Wow is my heart loud and friggin fast (probably because I've been scaring the shit out of myself...)At this point, I would think it is silly to say that the baby's heartrate is twice as fast as mine!
However, I was thinking that the baby's was slow...(but beating and that's what's important!) but it sounds like its beating at the same rate as the sample wav. files I listened to.
I am so mad at myself. I am mad at my inability to just ride this out and let God handle it. I know that if this is the baby that could...it will be. If it is another baby that couldn't (God forbid!), then I will have to deal with it. I know all this cognitively...and yet my heart and my mind race around trying to collect all the worry that they can find. Its like they have an empty worry basket that needs to be filled.
I keep thinking, Do I expect this baby not to live and am just waiting for this to be fulfilled? I don't know.
I'm sure God is frustrated with me, too. I'm sure he's telling me, "Let it be. Find your faith. Your joy. Trust me." Why can't I? I feel like I'm letting God down. I am so disappointed in myself.
For now,though, that heartbeat sounds *just* like the recordings and *not at all like* my own heartbeat, which sounded like gnomes being clubbed to death.
I will try, God, to find my faith and jump into the joy headfirst. But, I think you are going to have to take my hand and lead--no push--me there. I want to come, I'm just scared to death.

Now, I've got to go clean up around here. D is home tomorrow and every glass in the house seems to have migrated from the cabinets to all flat surfaces like there's a "half filled drink" convention. I've also got to get all the take out boxes out of the fridge. D will KILL me. Not that I ate any of it. I felt too crappy to eat any of it.

Tomorrow I should be getting my new cellphone via next day mail. I hadn't noticed mine slipped out of my hand yesterday when my mom dropped me off from running errands with me. She didn't notice either and her big, new grandma mobile ran over it. Sad day for the cellphone.

I am seriously going crazy. Now someone on the Feb EC board has me convinced that I'm hearing my own heartbeat instead of the baby's. Even though I can hear the placental wind noise, the heartbeat I hear does NOT sound like a galloping horse (one site called it "hoofbeats" what I hear is more swooshing..
I'm freaking myself out.
Pregnancy is going to kill me.

So I almost flipped out from my headache today. Rather than become psychotic (because I noticed I was close as I called the poor girl at the Carl's Jr. drive through and yelled about my incorrect order and hung up on her...), I went and had acupuncture. Never had it before. Was a little nervous, but my health insurance covers it, so I was like why not?
I had 21 needles in me. Four in my forehead, four in each ear, two in the back of my neck, one in each wrist, one on each forearm near elbow, two on each foot. They left me lying in a dark room with some lovely music and then came back, took the needles out and did a neck massage. Voila. Headache gone. Kether converted.
I can't believe what a difference it made. Granted, I have a little twinge left (that appeared after going back to work!), but I am able to function--and haven't been able to for two days.

What is wrong with me? Here I'm listening to the most beautiful sound in the world, and what do I start thinking? What if its too slow? It didn't sound slow. I just started to worry. Then I counted them and started to panic. What is wrong with me? It sounds perfectly normal. Everyone who heard it said it sounded normal. Its beating and beating regularly ...what more do I want?
I'm sorry God, for not having more faith. Thank you for my miracle heartbeat. I'll take it. Its perfect!

OMG! I haven't even put my pants back on so close your eyes and don't peek! The doppler came today and I'm able to easily locate the heartbeat!! The most beautiful sound in the world! At first I didn't think I heard it because the thing said its supposed to sound like a galloping horse--and I've never heard a baby's heartbeat before so I'm expecting it to sound like he's "got two coconuts and he's banging them together" but instead it sounds more like, as D says, a washing maching. Swoosh Swoosh Swoosh Swoosh with placental wind in the background.
Praise God!!! I'm so happy!!

Puke is not my friend.
I woke up with a headache this morning, so I called in sick. I didn't feel particularly sick to my stomach, not even as queasy as I have been. Ate breakfast and the minute I brought my orange juice up to my mouth, up it all came. It hasn't stopped and I'm really annoyed.
Its 2:30 and the doppler hasn't come. It will be ironic if it isn't delivered today and I have to take off work tomorrow to come and sign for it.
Bah. Is this morning sickness? doesn't feel like it.

Tomorrow DHL will bring my doppler. At times I am seized by fear about this. What have I done? Its going to come while D is out of town and I can't let it sit in the box until he gets here. I have to try it out right away. All night I was having these dreams about not being able to find the heartbeat. If that happens, the hospital is going to have one manic woman on their hands with no husband to temper the insanity.
I imagine other women all over the country who are also getting their dopplers at the same time. But, I imagine them excited, ripping the packages open and jumping with joy about the heartbeat that they're about to hear. I imagine that all pregnant women have such joyful, no-worry pregnancies. I imagine that I'm the only one who has gotten the doppler to confirm my greatest fear. Where has my joy gone? I think its backpacking across Europe. I can't seem to find it. It appears in short bursts when people talk to me about my pregnancy, or when I'm thinking in the abstract about my baby next year, but when its just me the fear seems overwhelming. Let's just hope little bean is a fighter.
Tomorrow, I'm going to try to find that joy while I rip open that package. I'm going to read the instructions so that I don't panic unncessarily and then I'm going to probe my tummy with no mercy until I hear that precious, beautiful sound.
Oh, please, God, let me hear that precious, beautiful sound.

Little Bean,
Yesterday I went to Long Beach to the Aquarium with your grandparents. When I was there, I was thinking how much I'm going to love taking you places like that. I can't wait to see your eyes get big when you get up to those huge tanks filled with giant fish or sharks. I can't wait until you stand on the other side of the glass from a sea lion who is right up against the glass sunbathing. I can't wait to watch you giggle and play in the children's playgrounds at places like the Aquarium. We are going to have so much fun.
That made me start thinking of Disneyland. We're so lucky to live very close to Disneyland. Your mama is like a little kid there. I get so excited and everything is pretty and fun and colorful. Something tells me, though, that it will be 100x better to see all of that stuff through your eyes.
I keep thinking that it will only be 6.5 months until we meet. That isn't long at all. I pray God keeps you safe in my womb. I pray that God creates a beautiful, healthy baby for me to hold in February. I am so thankful to Him for His gift of you. I am a lucky, lucky lady. Praise God I'm going to be a mommy!

With all my love little bean. You grow healthy and strong and cling tight.
Mommy

I may have to quit going to TTCAM and I really don't want to. Its just that every time I go and read everyone's posts--I am siezed by fear and filled with sadness. First the fear comes--so many people have suffered from multiple losses--and LATE losses that I feel I will never be safe. Every time I read about someone else's loss I feel like I'm going to pass out. I pray that it won't happen to me and then I feel guilty, like I'm saying they deserve multiple losses and I don't. Not, that I think I deserve multiple losses, but you know what I mean. At least I hope you do. It just seems like I'll be ok and doing a good job of managing my fear (not that it goes away, but it certainly gets better) then I go to TTCAM and all of that slips away from me and I feel like I'm drowning in fear.
And also, I feel so badly.So many people still struggling with trying to get pregnant and so many new faces dealing with new losses. Its just such a sad, sad situation. I am so lucky. So very lucky. But, I know how it feels to "see" women who are pregnant when you are not.
I don't want to leave TTCAM, but I'm really struggling with this fear issue. I won't even open What to Expect when you're expecting anymore. It doesn't answer my fears and that just makes things worse.
I know deep down that I am not in control. God is in control. I know I have to wait and see. I know I just need to plod along with my "Thank you for letting me be pregnant one more minute, one more hour, one more day." I know that is all I can do. But, I think its also my responsibility to reduce the amount of stress that causes the fear to flare up. So, I'll have to make some santiy decisions if I don't get control of this fear.

In other news, went swimming today. I'm trying to swim to get into better shape for little bean. I love swimming, so its been nice. It also keeps me cool for the rest of the day. Nifty trick that.
D is gone this week and so I'm left to my own devices(and to the upkeep and watering of lawns and gardens). Should have done sadly neglected housework. Watched 90210 brain-vacation marathon instead.

Occasionally I am gripped with fear. Is baby bean going to love me as much as D? D will be home with bean as a stay at home dad. I didn't used to have a problem with that..but now I'm gripped with this sadness...will we still bond? will bean love me? know me? I know this is ridiculous--plenty of working moms have great relationships with their parents.. and father's have dealt with this forever. I'm glad one of us can be home and I love my job and cannot imagine NOT working.. and we can't both stay home. We've got plenty with one of us staying home--but not enough for both to stay home forever. And since D saved all his money for the express purpose of not having to be tied to a deskjob 9-5 --he deserves the lucky chance of being home with the baby. I don't know if I'd be a good stay at home mom. Yet, I'm siezed with this fear.
I'll get at least two whole weekends (Fri-Sun) alone with the baby every month and I have a job where I can adjust my schedule and go home to breastfeed and bond..what is my problem?
I guess its just that life is changing. It will never be the same. I know that's what we want, but scary nonetheless...and reading all these "daddy blogs" is so fun..but also makes me think I'll miss out.

The odds are that Little Bean is fine. I think C said its like 75%. I have to keep trying to remember that math in my head. There is a much greater chance that Little Bean is fine than a chance that there is something wrong. I guess why I get so nervous is that I had no idea last time. I mean, the day we went in for our ultrasound I freaked myself out. I made myself sick the night before and didn't go into work and worried and wailed all day about not finding a heartbeat--but I don't think I truly expected to find there wasn't one until the doctor said there wasn't. I worked myself up, but I can't decide if deep down I really believed there was something wrong. Its all kind of hazy, so I can't really remember...the feelings afterward are what is crystal clear.
So, I guess I don't trust myself to feel like things are fine, because somehow I failed to know my own body last time. I know I can't have been expected to have known, but somehow that feeling of failure of knowing doesn't go away.
So, between God/prayer/good odds, I'm going to try to push the fear away.
Thank you God for letting me be pregnant one more minute, one more hour, one more day.

I was thinking today, too, that I'm really glad I told people that I was pregnant right away last time...even though I did have to tell them about the miscarriage. I was surrounded by love..but that's not the only thing...the miscarriage has become such a part of who I am and how I relate to the world that I don't think I could keep that part of me boxed away. I don't mean to be overly dramatic but it did change my life and a lot of my world view.

Ok time for a new tirade. A plane crashed into a house in Seal Beach today. Now, anyone who has been reading my blog for some time will remember that my number 1 fear is a plane crashing into my house.
Recently two things have added to that fear. The discovery that they allow children as young as 7 to learn to fly (and fly solo? dear God I hope not! by 13??) and
PEOPLE CAN BUILD THEIR OWN PLANES FROM A KIT.
I have one thing to say about that
OH MY GOD!
When someone changes my tire I'm worried that they didn't do a good enough job and it will come flying off. I've seen the crappy jobs people do on their children's California Missions Projects (do they have projects like this in other states? our kids have to re-create a California mission with styrofoam and glue) and now I know their hunky pieces of crap are flying through the air over my head. I won't sleep anymore.

First of all I'm lazy and I've yet to figure out (or read how) to do links. So bear with me and cut and paste if you want to go to this site.
I've recently discovered
http://www.trixieupdate.com
Its a stay at home dad that has been blogging since the birth of his daughter Trixie. Its fantastic. He's a great writer. Funny. Honest. He's also anal like my husband and has many graphs and charts with her sleep/feeding/poo habits. I can see D doing those kinds of graphs and spreadsheets when he's a stay at home dad.
Anyway, I'm reading it and I feel his immense love for his little girl and being a parent. Sure he writes humorously about the amount of poo she makes and how he hasn't slept but anyone who's been around a baby can relate. I was shocked to find that people who have read the site find him to be cold and unfeeling toward his little girl. I don't get that at all from reading it.
Anyway, its worth a read and its so funny and I really think you'll feel like you're *there* with him as he experiences new fatherhood. If you go there, begin at the beginning in the archives...much more amusing that way.

The fear has eased somewhat. I still worry that something will happen between now and the 26th and I won't know, but that fear is subsiding and peace is starting to reign. When the fear creeps up, "Thank you God for letting me be pregnant one more minute, one more hour, one more day." is helping. I will feel much better once we're out of the first trimester. But, I think I will always worry about my little one...Til he/she is 70 years old and I'm 101.
Other stuff is going on in life, but nothing I feel worth writing about. It continues to be all about me and all about the Little Bean.

I guess the fear never goes away. Every time I start to get scared I say a small prayer thanking God for letting me be pregnant one more day, hour, minute. I am very, very thankful and very, very scared.
Every time I read about someone else's loss I think it could be me and it makes me so, so sad for them and so scared for me. Does anyone really go through pregnancy without fear, though? I mean, even women who have never experienced a loss...do they have constant fear too?
On the otherhand, it just occured to me that there are many pregnant women who are worried and scared about being pregnant and it has nothing to do with having a loss. They don't have steady partners, a good home, a stable income, supportive family--some are even severely abused. They are lost and scared. I am so thankful that those aren't my worries. When this baby is born, it will have so much love. My husband is so supportive and loving and truly the best man I ever could have found. Our families are wonderful and supportive. We have a home and can afford our child. I don't have to worry about how to pay for my doctor's visits or where I'm going to live or how I'll afford prenatals. I can imagine those fears are all-consuming. I can't imagine being in those shoes.
Everyone has fears in their lives.
And yet, even knowing that some have it much worse does not alleviate my fears.
So, I'll have to stick to prayer and faith. The only weapons I have come to know and use.
Dear Gracious Heavenly Father,
Thank you again for letting me be pregnant one minute at a time. I am trying to remember what a precious gift you have given me...a gift of joy and not of fear. You have given me a miracle...a precious beautiful miracle. Fear is not your gift. Fear comes from me.And I am failing at beating the fear. Every time I hear of another woman's loss, my heart breaks and yet I turn from comforting her because it terrifies me--I could be in her shoes and I don't ever want to be in them again. Please help me open my heart to those who have lost. Please let me beat the fear that is deep inside me--that follows me as a shadow...that is trying to rob me of my joy. Please let this miracle child inside my womb grow strong and healthy. Please let this child in my womb be born healthy in February. Please replace my fear with peace. Please let me live and abide in you. Let me have faith that blossoms and grows. Let me be a good mother.
And please wrap those other mothers in your arms. Fill them with your peace. Hold them as they cry about the losses they have endured. Let them someday feel the gift of a miracle in their womb that grows to be a healthy and strong child. Please take away the pain.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
***
the other day I had communion again. Every time I take communion when I'm pregnant I feel like I'm symbolically "building" my child with the body and blood of Christ. Those communion items are sent to nourish the child in my womb. To build bones and muscles and organs and a brain and eyes and lips and a nose and ears and fingers and toes and a belly button. Its weird to think that I may only have five (or six if the baby is late) more communions until the baby is born. We only have communion the first Sunday of the month. That child is going to come to us so quickly. Thank you God!
***
And baby bean,
I love you. Grow baby,Grow! Grow healthy and strong. Cling to mama and LIVE!
You are the baby that could. You will live. You will be ours. We will hold you and love you--grow, my little bean. Grow.
Love, Mommy

Yesterday we went to my favorite pizza place where my friends have started a scrabble club. D and I took our board and got a small pizza and played each other. I told him to play slowly because I don't like to play other people. When we were done, my parents showed up so they played a game on our board while we heckled them and talked. It was a nice evening. And good pizza!
Today I started swimming again. I used to swim three times a week at the gym, but haven't since before I got married. I figure it is good for the little bean, and also helps me to beat the summer heat. I swam for about a half hour and then just floated around. I'm hopign to get back up to 45min to an hour.
I feel really good. Of course that's making me nervous--probably for no reason. I pray almost hourly that little bean is growing strong in there. I can't wait for our next dr. visit in three weeks..we'll get to see bean again!
Tonight we're going to friends' house and have dinner. should be fun.

Its ridiculous. Today I'm feeling a bit better. I'm not so sick to my stomach, my breasts don't hurt like they had and am I happy about it? NO! Even though I can stand upright without feeling like I'm going to die, I'm scared.
But, I've decided to have faith. If this is to be a successful pregnancy..it will be. If it isn't..then it won't. I can't change its course, so I shouldn't spend too much time worrying instead of enjoying being pregnant.
I continue to thank God every morning that there is a little life growing inside me. I feel so privilaged and lucky.
May God bless the baby in my belly. May that baby continue to grow and flourish.

my mortgage company is trying to kill me. Last week my wonderful and generous husband gave me $30K to pay on our house. But, since they won't let him be on the mortgage, it had to come from me. I did billpay. I checked online. The mortgage company accepted it. Credited it, etc. I had our nice, new low balance on the loan.
Then today I go online to check my bank balance and its got that $30K in it. I almost had a heart attack. They reversed the payment (even though it cleared). And now I've got to go get a cashiers check. GRR. I am *so* uncomfortable having that money in my account. It feels weird. Its not my money. People tell me "California is a 50/50 state it *is* your money" but it ISN'T. D worked hard all his life. He saved. He invested. He did that so he wouldn't have to work a 9-5job.
Its funny, I don't mind sharing my house with him. I still haven't put him on the title, but that's cause we're lazy and haven't been to the title company yet. But I do mind sharing his cash. It is not mine. I did not work for it. That's just how I feel.
Anyway, I have got to go to the bank today and get a cashiers check and then mail that sucker today--before they slap me with a late fee for my payment!
GRR.

I am so excited. My friend Christine, a TTCAM sister, got a BFP this morning. I am so happy that I will get to share this experience with her. May God grant her a happy and healthy pregnancy and a beautiful baby in 9mos.
YAY!!!
And now I've got one more big outstanding prayer. My brother interviewed for a big job yeseterday that he *really* needs. Not only is it the kind of job that would give him benefits, but a future as well. He and his wife really, really need this. He should probably know today if he got the job because it has to go to the board Monday. Father God, you have blessed our family with so many blessings. Please let my brother get that job. He and his wife really need this to be able to move on in their lives. Thank you also for letting me be pregnant, and my friend Christine be pregnant. Please grant us happy and healthy pregnancies. I ask all this things in Jesus' name, Amen.

Who would have thunk last year that I'd become a big prayer? I mean I said little prayers all the time...but would have typed prayers online. My faith sure has changed in the last seven months.