It Matches How I Feel

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Hi Ho, Hi Ho Its to a Specialist I go

I've got an appointment with a specialist (endocrinologist) next Tuesday. Hopefully he can help me get the thyroid managed and we can move on to trying to conceive again. My OB was pretty serious with me that we not really try until the thyroid is managed because she really believes the miscarriages were caused my thyroid issues. In a way I hope so. Though it has been hard to regulate, it is easier to deal with than many of the fertility issues I could be facing...
After that we'll see if we can conceive naturally or need a bit of help.

Oh, and the triplets I mentioned not too long ago? All three healthy and growing. Three glowing heartbeats beating in unison.
Beautiful. God's work. God's miracles.

Another Year, Another Party

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A Visit to the Vampire

This morning I had to go get bloodwork done. I saw my doctor yesterday and she decided to do the bloodwork they usually do for recurrent spontaneous abortions. The usual MTHFR, Factor V Leiden, clotting, etc.
Bloodwork is usually a huge ordeal for me. I have the worst veins known to man and my last rendevous in the lab resulted in 14 pricks. When I saw that she had to do 10 vials, I clutched the chair. But, the girl got it in one prick with a butterfly needle and no clotting in the tube!
They also did an HCG quant to see if I've zero'd out. I still wonder why everything hasn't passed, but I didn't have an ultrasound and we didn't discuss a D&C. So, I've still got even less closure than before.
*sigh*
On a good note, we had a fantastic time at Disneyland on Liam's birthday and Saturday will be his party. Yesterday he had his two year well baby and when the nurse walked in the room, Liam looked at her and said, "Oh no" The nurse laughed so hard and then we heard her in the hall telling everyone else that a two year old had just looked at her and said "Oh no"
She bribed him with his first ever lollipop and she made a friend forever. He's always known what one was, but not had one so he was THRILLED.
I have a lot more in my head, but I'm tapped out these days, plus I'm on a laptop since our computer died and we got a new one today and I'm just not used to balancing a laptop and typing on a miniscule keyboard...

The Last of One. And other random thoughts

Only one more day of being one. It simply confounds me, how we've gotten here to two years old so quickly. Cognitively I knew that his childhood would be fast. I just didn't know how that was going to feel. But I look at my boy and there's no baby in my home any more. Just a boy, pushing around trains and cars and every once in awhile saying, "Mama? Hey, Mama.. Look"
Yesterday I took him to church so that he could be around other children. Unfortunately, there were no child care workers. In my world that doesn't make so much of a difference because I don't let him be there alone anyway. My mom has to attend the nursery with him the whole time. I know that that makes me look like a crazy, controlling mom, but they earned that. The first time I took him to the nursery --just a few months ago--the workers barely even looked at me when I entered. They never met my eye, never introduced themselves, never asked my name or Liam's name, didn't ask if he had diapers or supplies or allergies or anything. They did nothing that would inspire my confidence in them. So, my mom stayed. Since Liam has very little access to other children it is very important that he go and play in the nursery at church. Every week since, he has been attending with my mom. There are other toddlers, too, and each of them has an adult with them.
Anyway, yesterday there were no workers, which, as you can see, should make no difference. But, there were no other toddlers either. So, Liam sought out the source of the boisterous noise that he heard and hijacked the Sunday school class for kids 5-11. They were in a circle for story time, so he got in the middle of the circle and sung a song to them. Then he went from kid to kid, crouching down into their faces and waving his hand at them and saying, "Hi kid!"
When he started to sing jingle bells the whole class began to sing, too, and the teacher ended up with her head in her hands.
My boy loves him some center of attention. I have no idea where he gets that from...

So tomorrow he will be two. We're going to celebrate at Disneyland and Saturday have his party. He is already saying "birthday? Presents?" Between Christmas and his birthday I think he thinks the world has opened into one big ALL LIAM celebration.
If ever a child needed a sibling its this one.

Wednesday we have his two year well baby and I have my doctor's appointment. I have a list of things to talk to her about because my body has just completely gone insane. Not only has this been a missed miscarriage like my last one, but now I have ever sign that I'm ovulating including EWCM and lower back pain, etc. I'm pretty sure that Friday I'll be having a D&C the day before Liam's party.
Its kind of weird. Liam's birthday and my two misscarriages all being within a week of one another. Different years of course, but still.

and that's all she wrote. I have a lot on my mind and have been battling A Cloud this past week, but I'm frankly too tired to even think about what I think let alone write it all down.

Big Fat Fluffy Deal

Ok. You know life isn't fair when yesterday happens.

Big snowstorm came in. You could see it hanging in the sky.
It was bad enough that West LA got snow. And then Bel Aire.

and then the typical places, the Tehachapi mountains, in Acton.

But then Santa Clarita.

and all of this will mean nothing to you people who don't live here, but maybe this will.

IT SNOWED IN FREAKING MALIBU. ON THE PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY!
and


NOT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back from the 'Zone(a)

We're back from Arizona. It was a nice way to try and get things off of my mind. For the most part.
My mind has been whirling with baby and pregnancy and loss. The day I got home from the ER, I discovered that a member of my family (not my SIL) who has been desperate for a baby for years is pregnant with triplets. Believe it or not, I was joyful. Even though the news came on the heels of my own loss, I was so happy for her, because I know how it feels to want a baby. Apparantly Baby B's heart is weaker than the other three, so I've been praying fervently for that heartbeat to strengthen. Triplets, can you believe it? I hear she told her mom "I only prayed for one. Honestly."
Even though I was *very* happy for her, it became a little difficult to hear the happy buzz about a pregnancy after a few days. Especially since (and if you're faint of heart or don't want to know the ugly details of pregnancy loss, I suggest you find a funnier, happier blog) I don't think my miscarriage has progressed appropriately. There's been very little bleeding. I've waited a week, so I called my doctor's office today and they can't (or maybe its won't) see me until next Wednesday. I'd really prefer that this be over so that I can move on and start to think about trying again, but until this miscarriage is complete, that can't happen. And then of course sneaky little hope slides in and says "Maybe you haven't lost the baby! Maybe you're pregnant still!"
Ain't no maybe baby.
I had a few clots and my HCG was down to 17. I don't think I can recover from those odds, but still I'm left without closure, and that's very very hard.
Still, most of the time on our mini vacation I was able to watch Liam play to his heart's content and do the typical things we like to do like Organ Stop pizza and the train park. It was colder than I'd have liked it to be, but not nearly as cold as the people in the valley thought it was. It was 54 and my Nana's housekeeper called to say she wouldn't be able to make it on account of the cold, and my aunt called to say that we should probably not go out to eat because of the weather. We went to the park (even though Nana thought for sure that "the park will be closed because its cold). We weren't the only people there, but I think everyone there wasn't from Scottsdale. Liam had a great time. Our normally timid, I-need-a-parent-on-both-sides-of-me child, took off running after the 'big' kids (they were probably five) and copying everything they did. He was SO happy and it made me yearn for other kids he can play with.
But we couldn't stay forever, so yesterday we said goodbye and drove home. When we pulled into our driveway it was 9 degrees and inside the house it was below 30 downstairs and 36 upstairs. I guess when my dad said it was cold inside my house he meant it.
It took a long time to warm up. But, we all climbed in bed huddled together and started to melt, and my heart melted a little, too.

Sleep. My drug of choice

I've had a good night's sleep and some time with my boys and I feel much better now. Its interesting how different my two miscarriage experiences have been. I don't know if the first one was so much more devestating because we found it at the 8 week ultrasound, or if its because this time have a beautiful boy who makes it worth dragging myself out of bed. Maybe it is because I have so much to do. Work, classes to study for, a family to cook for, a vacation to pack for, a birthday party to plan....and Guilder to frame for it. (little humor there...)
Yesterday I was remembering my last miscarriage and thinking how Liam was worth a million experiences like that one. And that filled me with hope, because my next child will be worth a million of yesterday's experience.
But, I also cried a lot. Some for the life that we lost, and some for the fact that even though it was only a week, I didn't rejoice in baby deuce because I was too afraid that this would happen. And where did it get me? Did all the worrying stop it from happening? Did it make it hurt less? Nope.
All it did was rob me of a week of joy. A week of celebrating God's miracle of life.
And what was the point of all that worrying anyway? The worst has happened, and yet I'm still alive. My family is still beautiful. The sun has risen and I've even laughed a few times.

Hope springs eternal. And that can only be because of God.

Yeah, its over.

Spent the day in ER. HCG down to 17. They thought for a short time that it might be tubal, but doesn't look like it was.

The good news is that we're still fertile.

Thank you for all your prayers.

SPotting

This morning there was blood. It was brownish, but blood.

Please pray.

Step Away From the Google

That peace lasted long, didn't it?

I've been feeling better, so I'm convinced something is wrong. Been googling pregnancy symptoms disappearing.

Where's all that faith and bravado?

I'm going for my prenatal bloodwork today. Aside from that....I'm actually hoping to start feeling like crap again.

Oh, we're in for a ride.

The One Where God Speaks Through Futurama

So last week part of me thought I was pregnant and the other part was positive AF was going to show up any second. I was confused and conflicted. I didn't want to take a test, because in the past that has just ushered AF quickly on its heels. And, I didn't want to face the fact that I wasn't pregnant.
I went day after day with the pulling and tugging feelings in my belly. And the cramps. And the nausea. And the get-that-turkey-away-from-me-i-can't-stand-the-smell-of-it. All the while I talked to God. Please. I begged. Please.
Wednesday when I was worn down from the anxiety and the begging, I told God to send me a sign. If I'm pregnant, just send me a sign.
Wearily I picked up a magazine that I noticed el husbando had set down on the ottoman. It was the local lifestyle insert from the paper. The whole thing was on babies and pregnancy. Weird, I thought. But, certainly not a sign.
Or was it? Was that your sign, God? Because if it was, could you make it a little clearer? You know I'm dense.
So, I turn on the tv to Futurama and its the episode where Kif is pregnant by Leela instead of his smizmar Amy.
Really, God? I said. You're talking to me through Futurama?
I guess he's got to come down to where we are.
So I decided I'd better come to him to talk, lest he have to use Futurama as a vehicle again. Today at church I walked in to a beautiful baptism and I felt incredible peace. I do feel peace, and I guess its making me nervous. Ain't that somethin'? I pray for peace and then get nervous because I'm not nervous. Yesterday I was telling my mom that I feel nothing. No joy, no fear. Just acceptance. Its weird for me not to be worrying that this is a chemical pregnancy. But, I'm not. When I look at the tests today, sure they're light, but there is definately a line on each. When I was pregnant with Liam, I must have taken 10 pregnancy tests. The digital ones didn't help me, because I pulled them apart and scrutinized the lines to see if they were getting darker. Then I had HCG draws. And my HCG numbers with Liam were really low. At this point they were only 66. Even though they doubled appropriately, I worried. I went online and checked the charts. I compared them to the numbers in my expecting groups. I worried and then I worried some more.
This time is different. This time I took two tests and that was it. I will not take more. This time I declined the HCG draw and just decided to do the regular prenatal panel and the TSH for my thyroid. This time I am not overanalyzing. I don't even check the TP for blood each time I go.The path for me and baby Deuce is already laid. It is not up to me to control, and so, for now, Deuce and I are in this together, however long we get.
I don't think that's really sunken in yet. That we may get a lifetime instead of only a few weeks together. Its time I step out in faith.
So, baby Deuce...Here I am. I am mama and I'm very pleased to meet you.

May the Lord our God bless and keep baby Deuce. May we have a healthy pregnancy and meet in the flesh in September.

For Now, I am pregnant

This morning I tossed and turned unable to sleep. I got up and peed on another stick and willed it to be darker. The line was a bit darker, but still very light. As I got ready for work, my hand hovered over the vitamins. Should I bother to take them? Later, my hand hovered over the phone. Should I call and make my first prenatal appointment?
Because I don't feel like its true. I feel like I'm pregnant. But just For now.
Don't get me wrong. My body feels like it is pregnant. I feel bloated. I feel like my uterus is stretching and pulling. I have heartburn. Every smell bothers me. I am burping like a fiend.
But, my mind. Its still stuck on "we'll see."
But, I don't want a "we'll see" baby.
When I became pregnant with Liam, I struggled with these same feelings. But, I finally decided that I wanted to love him from the moment he was in me. I didn't want to withold my heart from him to see if he'd make it. Because, there is nothing I can do to shield me from the pain of loss--so trying not to love this baby will achieve no positive end.
But, I still feel like I'm pregnant, For now.
And I've decided that's ok. Because like my last pregnancy, I'm going to take one day at a time. And for now, PRAISE GOD I'm pregnant.

And you'd think that would make me happy. But then there's that whole other mess going on in my head. Because, of course, they've announced that teaching job I've wanted. The applications have to be in at the end of February and there's a whole mess in that arena. And then the start date is 20 days before my due date.
And how can I juggle those two massive things? And three graduate classes for the graduate certificate that I'm trying to get? And the final drafts of my thesis? Oh, and that full-time job where I have two programs instead of one (yeah, that one's temporary, but still...)
Oh, and what's that? Oh? I have a family? And a boy about to be two?

And when I start to think about it and my heart starts to pound and I feel like I'm going to faint, I decided that I just can't think about it.
But, today I've had an epiphany of sorts. If I get the job, that's fandamntastic. And I'll start, have the baby, and come right back. If I don't....that means I get 12 weeks off with my new baby and my family. Either way, I win. So what is all this stress about?

I am staying away from Dr. Google. I cannot think of the 456,765,897 things that can go wrong.
Because For Now I am pregnant
And all is right with the world.

Climb aboard my hamster wheel

Because I just feel like I can't be alone in *all* of what's going on in my head....


I have a *very faint* positive today.


So, as you can imagine, I'm a crazy neurotic wreck.

The One With Neurosis

I began the year with a panic attack and riddled with anxiety. The changes in my life--or unchanges, as it all remains to be seen--- are exhausting my capacity to worry and anticipate and I'm sorely in need of working it all out on paper--or in the blog. I was thinking about this yesterday as I drove home from work and the hamster wheel of thoughts in my brain just would not stop. Around and around they went, squeaking out their irritating presence. But, I'm just not ready to commit it all to concrete writing just yet. Somehow that would make things more real and the anxiety would not just become merely theoretical, but full blown. Somehow, I feel like letting all of those thoughts run round and round on the wheel in my head keeps them at bay.
Never fear. Nothing bad is happening to me. Just changes--possibly even great ones. But, I am not like Anne of Green Gables. "Flying on the wings of anticipation" does not "almost pay for the thud."
So for now life is going at its irregular regular pace. I'm back at work and our intersession term has begun. For the this term I am in charge of both my Reading Lab *and* our Writing Center and there have been some small suprises in that arena. I'm going to be taking three classes--two of which are face to face and I'm rather displeased with that prospect. Four years ago when I finished my coursework for my MA, I swore I'd never take another class again. Time has softened that a bit, and I actually loved the two online classes I took last semester. But the thought of actually dragging myself to class after work and away from my boys at home is just sad to me. Thankfully, its just ten weeks. So the sooner we get started, the sooner it will be over.
Liam will be two in two and a half weeks and he continues to amaze and entertain us every single day. The other day he had a yellow signal for his train set and a small figure of Pooh and Piglet. They were each standing on a side of the yellow signal and Pooh was saying, "Honey" and Piglet was saying, "Eat" and then he took the two, pushed their faces into the signal "honeypot" and made eating sounds. And lately, he has been taking his plush Mickey and Goofy and holding thier hands up to their mouths and yelling "OH TOODLES!" or putting each of them on a cordless phone to talk to one another. He has also introduced Mickey to the wonders of the Organ and Mickey is becoming quite adept at hitting the keys--in no rhythmic order.
I am so thankful my boy has an imagination and it is a joy to watch it blossom. For now, that should calm the storm in my mind. If I let it.

Freecyclin'

This has got to be my favorite item from Freecycle ever.
We've had two futons in our tv/playroom forever. One has been broken for a year. The other day a woman put this loveseat up on Freecycle and I went to pick it up New Year's Day. It matches our room perfectly (the quilt and tree of life pillow are ours) and its COMFY. And the cushion covers are washable. I washed them when we got it home. And its a canvas/denim-y kind of fabric. Very kid and pet friendly.

And you can't beat FREE.

She said when she gets a couch, she is going to freecycle the matching couch. I hope she keeps us in mind.

The Year In Review

Taking the first line from the first post of each month of last year.

January: Sunday, January 01, 2006

Revelry
On New Year's Eve, we tucked the boy into bed and hubby went and got a champagne bottle we've had since our wedding

February: Wednesday, February 01, 2006

This Has Been Your TOO Much Information Warning
I guess we're officially back to TTC

March:
Chase this
A big police chase went by our house today.

April: Hello from the Other Side of The Wants
This past week when we were in Arizona, we met up with my cousin's wife, her sister and their kids, my aunt and uncle and my Nana at Organ Stop Pizza.

May: How does your garden grow?Oh its Spring!Well, more like Summer around here

June: Thursday, June 01, 2006

Changes, they are a'happening.
I have major news in Ketherland, even though ya'll probably won't get how profoundly amazing this is.I. Have. Switched. To. Pepsi. One.

July: And We're Back
I've been sitting here pondering what to write. It seems while we were on our mini-vacation I was narrating the whole thing in my head, knowing just how I would relate all of the events to you

August: Dude, Is it Fall Yet?
I am drowning in Summer. I just can't think straight anymore and I'm losing my will to live

September: To Test, Or Not to Test (and rounding out 1000)
That is the question.Whether tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous negatives...(Ok, I won't go there). *Edited: That was my 1000th post

October:*yawn*
Lately in an effort to get done everything I need to get done I've been getting up way early, at least for me. I am so not a morning person, only I think maybe now I have become one because I'm actually considering getting up at 5 rather than 6

November:Wednesday, November 01, 2006

A Gypsy, A Math Test, and a Chicken walk into a bar
I am still recovering from yesterday. There is nothing that I like better than the ridiculousity (the act of being so ridiculous that it isn't mere ridiculousness) of Halloween.

December:Saturday, December 02, 2006

Parade Party
This morning I was ready by 8:30 for people to come watch the parade. I invited 17, but 10 invited came (S and R and family were at home with NewBaby and my bro and sil hate parades