I have been remiss in not updating since my last appointment. My last miraculous appointment.
I was so nervous when I went in and the doctor moved the ultrasound wand around a lot looking and looking, asking me now and again what he saw last week. I lay there and prayed, thinking it was happening again, when all of a sudden he said, "there it is" it was hard for him to keep the image of the baby on the screen....but he got one picture with a measurement of 7 weeks and 2 days. He couldn't keep the picture steady enough for a count of the heartbeat, but he said it was there and very clear and "looked to be about 130"
Dave was sitting nearby with Liam on his lap and after the doctor handed me the image and left the room, Dave said very quietly and sweetly to Liam, "There it is Liam. There's pumpkin"
I have been feeling awful. Very sick each day. I think that is a good sign. All of my bloodwork has come back normal.
We had recently switched to Kaiser, so I was worried about what switching to an HMO was going to do to our care, but I have to say, I think I'm receiving better care than if I had Blue Cross PPO. They've put me with a high risk specialist and will see me every two weeks. We go in for ultrasound #3 tomorrow, so I'm hoping to have more great news tomorrow.
Is is hard to live in a space of peace and hope. I have been conditioned to expect a bad outcome. But every day I realize more and more that it is very possible that in July we will finally have our empty chair  filled.

God is good. All the time.

Clarification

Just wanted to clarify. The doc thinks he saw the blinking of the heart. What we did NOT see was a baby. No fetal pole, just a yolk sac and nothing.

Pumpkin

My sweet Pumpkin,
Every now and again your brother climbs on my lap and my breath is taken away as I hold my two children. You are in there, my sweet pumpkin, though we didn't see you on Monday.
 I was so disappointed as the doctor moved the ultrasound wand looking for you. I had hoped to come out of that room, clutching a picture of you to slip inside the frame on our fridge; the one that contains the picture of your brother on that one of the best days of my life--the day we saw the beautiful torch of his beating heart within me.
But unlike the last time, the doctor didn't seem concerned. He kept pointing to landmarks in my uterus, saying as he did, that things looked perfect. Yet you were elusive. Once or twice, he thought he captured your flicker, only to have it run from him when he zoomed in.
Next week, he said, next week we will see you.
I must confess to worry. I love you, your brother loves you and your father loves you. We are a family waiting for you and the ache of the unknown is awful. We have allowed ourselves to dream of the extra chair being filled.
We love you, pumpkin. We are waiting for you. We will see you next week.

Love your Mama
(and your brother and Daddy, who are saving a spot for you)

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my meeting with the dreaded ultrasound machine.  I had been doing very well; was really positive and upbeat--expecting everything to be fine. And then one day the curtain started to close and darkness started to creep in. My mind would play games with me, and the whispers from deep inside would come, "You're not feeling morning sickness anymore."
And then when I was feeling sick, I would not be able to actually admit that this might be morning sickness. But the truth is, I feel yucky. I've had naps both yesterday and today. I haven't cleaned the house because I'm trying to be easy on my body until we get a peek inside. I haven't even cooked. Dave has been handling that for us.
But tomorrow, our first bit of news will come. At 9:30am, we'll be facing that machine. I have been trying positive visualizations, praying, all kinds of things to keep my mood as uplifted as I can. But the truth is I'm scared. My prayer is that tomorrow I'll be able to post a picture of a little bean shaped babe, with a beating heart.

The long road to the ultrasound

Usually, once I find out that I'm pregnant, it will be weeks...sometimes over a month, until my first ultrasound. That day is usually the day when things all start to fall apart. It is a very stress-filled journey to the ultrasound date. And the day itself? it has been known to bring on panic attacks for me.
Saturday, I went early to my RE and had blood work done. He intended for me to come back Monday and do more blood work to see how my betas were doing...Then he called Saturday night and said that there was no need to come Monday. He'd just see me in ONE WEEK for an ultrasound. My beta numbers were great. My progesterone was perfect. My estrogen good. He decided that even though the progesterone was good, we'd still inject every other day just for some peace of mind, since it can't be harmful. I had such a peaceful feeling. And was so excited. Liam and I even nicknamed the baby pumpkin and I even ventured online to dream about baby stuff. These are things I never do.
I felt awful. I mean awful and Sunday night I was so ill that I had to lay down and wasn't even sure if I'd be able to sleep through the morning sickness. But then I went back to work Monday and I started to feel better. and then a little worse and then better..And then I started to worry. But I decided that I will NOT worry. What is the point really? I can't change the outcome. And isn't it a slap in the face to God? He hands me a miracle and I say "I'll get back to you when I see if you really mean it?"
and it is weird because that peaceful feeling as stayed with me and somehow we've arrived at Wednesday in the blink of an eye...which means that ultrasound day will be here in the blink of an eye.
I know that my prayers, and that the prayers of my many supportive friends are helping me get to that ultrasound day. I know that that peace is a direct result of those prayers. This is why I am so thankful to have shared my struggle.  I do not feel alone.

A reason for fireworks

It has been a busy month full of Fall festivities. Movie night at Liam's school, the Fall carnival, the pumpkin patch, trick or treating at Disneyland,  Liam's first field trip, another Disney day, all kinds of stuff has been going on..
oh, and we were slightly derailed at the beginning of Oct by a corneal ulcer in my left eye.
So, I guess that's why I wasn't paying too much attention to that whole trying to conceive roller coaster, even though this was the first month of trying metformin, which is often used to treat PCOS.
and you know what? that little $5 pill worked!
Yes, I'm pregnant.. almost six weeks. I tested yesterday after Dave had left for work. I didn't even expect the positive result...I just thought it would clear my mind with an answer and I could move on from those lingering thoughts.
But however shocked I was, el husbando was triply so.

I started to get a little nervous afterward, but I talked myself down. I've been on this road many times before. I am just going to bask in the JOY. I'm going to think/dream/plan like any other expectant mother does. I will NOT let fear rob me of my joy.
So, God willing, we're going to have a fourth of July baby join us! Bring on the fireworks.

Fertilizer Friday

Wow! it is hot here! It is suddenly back in the low 100s. Last Wednesday it wa 76!  Still, we have had enough reprieve from the desert summer that flowers have started blooming again. But, first we start our tour with another set of Endless Summer hydrangeas, this time as container plants, on the s teps leading to the house. Oh, and my favorite little bloom got in the picture, too. That one is growin' like a weed!

 This is the hydrangea plant that made me believe I can do this! It lasted through the desert summer. I'm hoping that next year its root system will be well developed and I won't have to worry too much! thankfully there are three where this is and it only gets morning sun and then shade.

 These roses are right outside our family room window. I'm willing them to grow tall enough to see from inside! They've got a ways to go.

 This is my favorite lantana

 Crepe myrtle never fails

 Our rose trees are looking sickly, and not putting out many blooms... but when they do... so beautiful...

 Just some flowers for inside for me to enjoy!

 Oh, and all of a sudden our spindly morning glory has gotten started!

 The corn never grew very tall this year... We're waiting another month maybe to harvest.

 See more at http://www.tootsietime.com/

Fertilizer Friday.... or.... Sunday as the case may be

I am not sure if anyone will make it to my post, since I am doing it so late... but I am going to post anyway, because I am enjoying having a record of what the garden is doing.
I am really proud that I stuck it out gardening through the heat this year...and didn't give up when stuff didn't look all that great.
My three roses that I planted earlier this year are starting to look happy and nice and full and green. One has five buds on it. I guess they've finished getting used to their new little corner and now they'll bloom. They're right outside one of the family room windows and I am hoping that someday they will be tall enough to enjoy from inside. I am also hoping that next week I will be able to share the blooms with ya'll.
Today, though, I have to admit that I bought two more endless summer hydrangea. I couldn't help it when I saw the sea of blue blossoms at the store. The other hydrangea made it through the desert heat of August, so I figured I would take a chance and plant two more. They've got pine needle mulch and I'm hoping that will keep the soil acidic enough for them to stay blue, but if not I'm going to find some aluminum sulfate? somewhere.. I'm determined for them to be blue.
I also planted some mums. I definitely need more, but I figure I have all of September for that...
So, here's what is blooming now..

 My rose tree. Only one bloom.

Mums that I just got.

My little helper is blossoming every day. Here he is watering the purselane.

 Petunias. They didn't do anything for a few weeks. I guess they went on vacation...and now they're back.

 The new crepe myrtle....Red Rocket

 Royal Geranium.

 and the new Endless Summer blue hydrangea. The other one I bought has seven buds, but no blooms yet. I couldn't resist getting at least one with blooms.

and I moved the wind thingy and wrapped the morning glory around it. you can't tell in this picture, but this is where the hydrangea are. and the saddest looking rose tree to the left. I just gave it some bone meal. Maybe that will make it happy.

To see gardens far better than mine, and just gasp at the glory go to Tootsie's

Another kind of Garden.

 KINDERGARTEN!
I cannot believe the time has come for Liam to go to Kindergarten. I remember so clearly blogging my early days of trying to conceive, and then my pregnancy, and then his every waking move (and sleeping move, too) when he was born. How is it possible that this time has passed? I had a hard time with him going to Kindergarten, even though I work full-time and he's been home with his daddy. For me it was a clear marker to the end of his early childhood. He's now a full-fledged kid. And we are now owned my the school district calendar.

 In preparation for this rite of passage, I wanted him to have a desk. A real, wood school desk. It was hard to find, but we found this desk at the Goodwill with an unbelievable amount of paint on it. My mom stripped as much as she could and got the top stained to a beautifully glossy finish. However, the body didn't strip as well, so it is painted. Turns out it is almost just like Andy's desk in Toy Story 3.
Don't get me started on that movie. I cried like a newborn. Actually, I cried like a mama seeing her child grow up before her eyes.

 Before school I tried to get some photos with the Kindergarten sign that will go on our framed corkboard for school work. There are twenty shots. They all have some kind of weird face. None have a regular smile.

 His school has a policy that parents don't go to the classroom with the child--not even on the first day. So, we lined up with him outside, where he got his nametag with his legal name on it. That's a battle I'm still fighting. I just want them to drop the first three letters and let him be Liam. I don't get why this is hard. In the mean-time, he has adapted to William.

 Daddy and Liam had a special chat before school started. I love this picture. They are the two most special people in the world to me.

At the end of the day, we picked him up outside one of the classrooms. He was very happy! So far there have been three weeks and he is doing beautifully. He loves structure and rules, so he is thriving with his relatively strict teacher. Since he is already reading, the academic work is not hard for him at all, which I think has allowed him to adapt to a full-day of Kindergarten better than it would have been for him otherwise. He's happy, so I'm happy...as long as they start calling him Liam soon.

Are you there God? its me. Kether.

Yesterday I worked myself into such a fit that I cried and cried at the pharmacy. I had been trying to fill a progesterone prescription since Monday. You would think that would be easy, but apparently I should have let el husbando  handle it, since he has a history working at a rocket site and all..
 They filled the prescription on Friday. But it was an injectable, and they refused to give me needles and syringes.I'm not quite sure how they thought I would be taking it. As a nightcap, perhaps? By osmosis from under my pillow? My mad magic skillz?
Anyway. It turned out to be a moot point because despite another month of writing huge checks, uncomfortable and humiliating visits to the reproductive endocrinologist, and countless friends joining me on their knees in prayer...
I am yet again not pregnant.
And, though I have a fairly good reputation for "taking it well" and "having such a good outlook" yesterday I cried for ten solid hours and I earned a headache this morning.
I have five years of whining on this blog about this same heartache. There are no more words to say.

So this morning I got up and seasoned my coffee with a few more tears and then pulled myself up by the bootstraps and went out to the garden where I found a surprise watermelon, the world tilted and I found a little bit of that "good outlook" I've heard that I have. The sadness is still there, but it is not blooming and not fading.

I am not sure what we will do now, and it is too soon to even think about it. I used to be ready to go for another cycle as soon as one had failed, but I'm not so sure this time. I'm hoping that I will hear God's voice and know what to do. I am not doing to well planing this on my own.

Fertilizer Friday

 Hey folks! It is fertilizer Friday over at Tootsie's . I am just thankful that we've made it through August here in the desert and I've still got flowers blooming. We live in the Mojave desert of Southern California and temps this week were over 105 all week! And the last time it rained was either March or February.. At least in our portion of the area... the rest had a thunderstorm on Tuesday. We got zippo out of that. Anyway, let's see what's blooming. My hydrangea is blooming!

The wild sunflowers, which are a great cut flower this year.

 The veggie garden is doing well (no new pic, this is from last week... We planted so late and this was our first year doing a veggie garden. We'll be more on top of things next year!)

 Just a view down the pool garden to the veggies. In that spotty grass, we're going to put a cherry tree! Goodbye spotty grass! Hello cherry tree! This area is my big plan for next year. I plan to have a proper cutting/veggie garden rather than the slap-dash thing we put together this year. Oh! and I need to find something to hide the pool machinery!

 Lantana. Grr. There are leaves in the beds everywhere.... I should probably go out there and get them all out. I love this lantana. The color stands out so much. This picture really doesn't do it justice.

 Our sweet tiny roses that were a gift from our next door neighbor when we moved in two years ago. And yes! our volunteer watermelon growing from a pot shared with a cactus.

 At our old house we had quite a cactus garden from cactii we got from friends. One year we were away in January and there was an unexpected freeze. We lost all but one small part of one. These two have grown back from that. We have them in pots now so that we can bring them in if there is a freeze. No more huge cactus garden for us. The plant in the blue pot is an orange purslane. It has done best this week! It loves the heat. We planted it just a few weeks ago and look! it is already spilling over! In the morning it has such pretty orange flowers.  In the back is a pink oleander. We're moving that to the front to make way for a cherry tree.

 We put up the window boxes some time in July and I planted them fully expecting them to dry out in August and die. They don't look great, but look! not dead! and the morning glory is blooming. I was kind of bummed because I wanted a soft blue. I like the purple, but it almost exactly matches the petunias in the window boxes and I was really hoping for some blue flowers. We have a lot of purple.

We just got back from Lowes with a Red Rocket Crepe Myrtle (those seem to love the heat; everyone has them around here) an iceberg rose, another hydrangea and a CHERRY TREE! We go cherry picking every summer just down the road from here, but we're going to try our hand at growing some ourselves, too.

Metamorphosis Monday

Two years ago we decided to leave our 1926 pink cottage and move into a bigger home.
We instantly fell in love with this one for its view. It had been empty and unloved for awhile, but I could see its potential.
When we decided to paint the trim, I wanted to keep it white, but my husband and son overuled me. So, we chose a few samples that we liked and from them allowed our four year old to pick his favorite. 'Cause that's how we roll around here.
When it started going on, I wasn't sure if I liked it. But now? I love it. It makes our house stand out in a sea of homes. It brings out details that you didn't necessarily notice before. And it is color! something I hadn't realized I had missed when we moved from a pink cottage.
The garden is still a work in progress. We've planted hydrangea and ivy recently. I can't wait to see how it looks when they mature!

See some awesome transformations at Between Naps on the Porch

Summer crafting

So this summer we have indeed been busy. We have gone cherry picking (and made the appropriate pie). We have played in the sprinklers, gardened (the tomatoes and one bell pepper are ripining as I type) and the corn is popping up. Liam has been learning to swim in our pool--which is a post all in itself. We have spent a lot of family time on the swing on our back porch in early mornings and the evenings. We've gone to Disneyland and  to the zoo. Soon, we shall go to the aquarium and the beach and then the summer will be closing on us. Though most people will have another month, Liam starts Kindergarten on the 9th of August.
We have already gone school shopping and have clothes and supplies ---and tucked away in a drawer is a special surprise that I have held on to for months--- little note cards for me to slip into his lunchbox with messages from mama.
Today we finished a really cool craft that is easy as can be. We made a "batik" pillowcase (inspired by his previously painted Doom Cats)
First you take white pillow cases and use the BLUE GEL Elmer's glue. Use this to draw your images and let it dry. Ours dried for a week because of waning interest.

Then simply water down some acrylic paints an get to painting! Let dry in the sun (does not take a long time in this hot, dry summer heat for us!) and then we soaked it in hot water and then threw it in the dryer. We are SO pleased with how it turned out!

My first fertilizer Friday

I hesitate to even post for Flaunt Your Flowers because... well... we haven't exactly been lovin' up our desert garden this month. and it shows! But, I've been rooting around these garden blogs and wow! I am inspired. I keep having to remind myself that we live in the desert and I won't be able to have gardens every bit as lush as some of them! We haven't seen rain since... maybe it was February?? But, still... I can dream... and I can be more accountable to our progress around here. And maybe I can get advice?? So, lets see how much change there will be between this week and next.... (incidentally, you can see more (and much much more beautiful! gardens at http://www.tootsietime.com/ )

We'll start here. See that garden area to the left of our pool?? that was that garden when we moved in exactly two years ago.

and the next photo is of it now. That garden is full of roots from the neighbor's trees and takes a beating from really hot sun and a lot of wind. Mostly there we have rosemary, Mexican Primrose (which is unbelievable when it is blooming), Salvia, Honeysuckle and some rootstock roses.. In the pots we have some cactii, miniature rose and some vine that I will ask you about later. We have got to address all these brown spots on the lawn! And please excuse the poor excuse for concrete around our pool. That is on our list!This is the pot by my front door. It is geranium and petunia. I just fertilized (thanks for the reminder!)

I took a gamble and stuck this hydrangea in the ground when I heard that there are indeed other people who have hydrangea in town. Its been about a month and so far so good. I'm terrified, though. It is my favorite flower and I want it to live and bloom! (it was an easter plant someone gave me last year!)

These are wild sunflowers that bloom in our yard. They also bloom in the desert behind us.

The veggie garden is doing well. The tomato plants are gi-normous and the corn is just starting to come up (we planted LATE)
















One of our potted cactii started growin a mystery vine. It seems like a kind of veggie. Anyone know what it is? Oh, and our go-to plant is the oleander. I know a lot of people hate them because they are deadly and over used, but we love them. They are beautiful when they spill over people's back walls and the blooms don't quit and they love the desert heat, so we don't have to do anything with them. 

mystery vine