The Spirit through my Kids

Today I watched the spirit working through my kids. Last night Holland had a complete melt down about herself and how she feels like she isn't good enough.  Chloe was here and ended up thinking about Holland a lot as she went home.  Today Chloe ended up at the mall and felt that she needed to get a picture for Holland.

This is a picture Holland loves.  Chloe found a 3D version and got it for her.  She also thought deeply about what to write.  A song came to mind. Broken Things by Kenneth Cope

BROKEN

 (Words by Kenneth Cope; Music by Kenneth & Eliza Cope)

 —inspired by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland Broken clouds give rain

 Broken soil grows grain

 Broken bread feeds man for one more day

 Broken storms yield light

 The break of day heals night

 Broken pride turns blindness into sight

 Broken souls that need His mending

 Broken hearts for offering

 Could it be that God loves broken things

 Broken chains set free

 Broken swords bring peace

 Broken walls make friends of you and me

 To break the ranks of sin

 To break the news of Him

 To put on Christ till His name feels broken in

 Broken souls that need His mending 

Broken hearts for offering

 I believe that God loves broken things

 And yet, our broken faith,

 our broken promises

 Sent love to the cross

 And still,that broken flesh,

 that broken heart of His

 Offers us such grace and mercy

 Covers us with love undeserving

 This broken soul that cries for mending

 This broken heart for offering

 I’m convinced that God loves broken me

 Praise His name—my God loves broken things

 So, broken cloud—Give rain

 And broken soil—Grow grain

 And broken bread—Feed man for one more day

Chloe wrote the lyrics in the card she gave Holland.  Tonight Holland brought Kira Falkner home to talk.  Kira's Dad passed away a couple of years ago.  Now her mother has found someone new and is very happy but the kids are really struggling with it.  The contention is high in their home.  Holland listened and has so much passion and desire to help.  She thinks she needs to go defend Kira but I told her to talk to Kira about doing service and showing love to her Mother.  Apparently Chloe put similar things in her card but more directed at Holland.  As I was praying I also felt that the Lord put Kira in Holland's path because Holland well really all of us pray to find those we can help.  Holland can help Kira if she listens to the spirit. She keeps saying she can't feel the spirit that she doesn't get answers but I saw tonight that she is very wrong.  She isn't listening and I think Kira is the link to help Holland to hear the spirit.  In a way I really think the were put in each others path so they can help each other.  I love this Gospel and I love seeing the spirit work through my children.  This is one big proud Mom moment for me. I am so blessed to have these amazing children of mine.  Thank you Lord for making me their Mom.  I learn so much from them.  I love my life.

Katie

I found out yesterday that Katie's husband left her.  I don't know the circumstances surrounding why he left but he did.  My feelings when I found out were shocked at first but then sadness for both of them.  I don't know what happened at all but my thoughts have been with Katie more than anything or anyone else over the last 24 hours.  She is living one of my fears.  Over the last couple of years that I have been dealing with Lupus my biggest worry has been that Shawn would get sick of having to take care of me and leave.  I cried about it several times.  Knowing that Katie is actually dealing with this my heart and thoughts and concern are with her now.  I knelt down almost immediately and prayed for her.  I prayed that she will have comfort and strength to press forward but I also prayed that the Lord would soften her heart and help this to be what takes her back to church.  I don't know that this will do it but I have seen the Lord do many amazing things. I am so grateful to have the Gospel in my life.  It is my beacon.  It is where I gain all of my strength.  I couldn't navigate this life without it.  I am truly grateful I have it and I hope that some how Katie will find her way back.  She needs it.  She needs a support system of uplifting people.  People that will help her find her way back to her feet but with positive uplifting thoughts and actions.  I also hope that Ben is going to stay in his kids lives.  I hope that he will be the Dad they need.  I truly hope and pray that some how good will come from this.  I love my sister even if I can't be with her during this time and help to hold her up I love her.  Right now all I can do is pray.  So that is what I am doing.

Goodbye Mom

I am reading a book currently called Will I Ever Be Good Enough.  Its a recovery book for daughters of narcissistic mothers.  In the book it tell me I need to let myself feel all of the feelings of loss for my Mom.  She is incapable of love it says.  The book also says that narcissism is a spectrum disorder.  The farther on the scale she is the more she hurts her family.  My mom was neglectful.  She never said the words I love you in our home.  Those words are words I constantly ask my husband to say to me.  It is an insecurity for me.  I need to hear them all the time and now I understand why.  I understand why I would find a woman in my life that I admired and would attach myself to them and literally fall in love with them.  Hoping to hear those words from them.  My young women leaders, Lori Hunter my dance teacher.  My 3rd grade teacher Miss Brock.  Anyone that was older than me and close to me in some way I would write them love notes, follow them around like a shadow, go over all the time to get the love I was missing at home.  I understand that now.  I just thought I was a weird kid but now I know I needed love.  How could she do this to me.  How do you not love a child.  How do you not feel a connection to your first born.  How do you not love your children.  I know she grew up in an abusive home so I get that her childhood was bad but seriously at one point you have to change that and grow up!! Grow up Mom!!  Take responsibility for your actions or in your case lack of them.  I mourn for the child I was.  I wish I could go back and hug that lonely little girl.  Give her the love she deserved.  I didn't deserve this.  I deserved a mother who adored her kids.  A mom that looked forward to spending time with me and loved hearing about my day. Who wanted to know me and encourage me. I deserved to be a third grader with a normal favorite show like Sesame Street or Mr. Rogers instead my favorite show was "The Luke and Laura show"  A soap opera!!  Why were you even letting me watch that!  I deserved to have a mom help me in High School understand abuse of a boyfriend.  Someone who saw the red flags and helped me to know how to get out of the situation instead of just being rude to him each time he came over.  I deserved a mom who was encouraging me to find out who I am and what I like to do so I could be successful in college.  Who when I said I wanted to be a hairstylist doesn't tell me that's not a real job.  I deserve a mom that would talk to me about college and recognize that I wasn't ready for a full load of classes in school and advise me to take one class to get my feet under me.  A mother who when I needed help with homework would teach me the study habits I needed to accomplish the grades Melissa did without comparing me to her.  I DESERVED A MOM WHO WOULD STOP THE VERBAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE I ENDURED FROM MELISSA REGULARLY BECAUSE I WAS THE OLDEST!!!  You knew what she did and what she said and you let it happen anyway telling me to just learn to get along.  I can't change why she hates me.  I was born first and that will always be the case and yet you never did anything to fix it.  You kept me in the same room with her almost my entire home life.  She made me feel stupid all the time.  She told me how stupid I was all the time.  I didn't figure out I am smart till I had to home school my kids and then your way of support was to tell me " Well you can't screw them up too badly in one year."  WHAT???!!!  Who says that to anyone especially your own daughter.  I deserve a mother who when I am sick doesn't say can you make it to my house so you don't have to do anything to really help.  Or maybe when I get diagnosed with Lupus ignores that I am struggling to keep my family fed and taken care up all with the excuse of I am busy!  How do you not know that moms sacrifice for their kids.  I didn't have a mom that did that for me and I still figured it out for myself.  How do you think you get a pass.  You don't.  You were a horrible excuse for a mother.  You failed beyond anyone else I know.  You suck!! I hate you for what you did to me or the lack of what you did.  I hate you.  I hate that you don't love me.  That you destroyed my daughters confidence in her talent.  I hate that I spent a lifetime feeling stupid because of you.  I hate you.  I never want you in my life again. You will never hurt me or my family again.  You are not going to be apart of my life anymore.  Do you hear that  YOU LOST ME!  You no longer have an oldest daughter.  Melissa no longer has anyone to be jealous of anymore.  She is the oldest now. Tell her congratulations for me.  She won.  But really I did.  I am taking control of my life.  I am moving my family away from your abuse.  I am taking them away to build our strength up.  I have amazing kids you will never know because I don't want you in my life anymore.  That's right you and me are threw!  Go to Hell!

My tender mercy today

On Sunday someone got up and talked about Tender Mercies.  They talk about watching for them and recording them in a journal as a way to see God's love in your life.  I decided to try it.  Today my tender mercy came in two forms.  

First Chloe went to a ward member's house to use her oven.  Our house is a construction zone.  Anyway while there she noticed a book on the Kansas City Temple.  Chloe and Brittin were involved in the dedication for that temple so there was a curiosity for Chloe.  She opened it recognizing several people in the pictures then as she looked further she saw a picture of Brittin.  So small and a simple little picture but it was definitely her.  Chloe was so excited.  It made her day and that made mine.

Second, I have been researching narcissism.  I feel the Lord wants me to understand it better so I will understand the reason my mom isn't trying to change things.  I have a book that is explaining a lot.  Not just about my mom but helping me see it in others in my family.  Anyway in reading today I decided to look up narcissism on the church website and was surprised to find several articles.  I found one that mentioned Mothers and Fathers.  So I decided to read it.  Right in the middle I found a piece that really helped me to see the Lord's reasons.  It was my own sweet tender mercy.  All wrapped up in a box just for me.  

Yes, the cost of joining The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints can be very high, but the admonition to prefer Christ above all others, even our closest family members, applies also to those who may have been born in the covenant. Many of us became members of the Church without opposition, perhaps as children. The challenge we may confront is remaining loyal to the Savior and His Church in the face of parents, in-laws, brothers or sisters, or even our children whose conduct, beliefs, or choices make it impossible to support both Him and them.

It is not a question of love. We can and must love one another as Jesus loves us. As He said, “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another” (John 13:35). So although familial love continues, relationships may be interrupted and, according to the circumstances, even support or tolerance at times may be suspended for the sake of our higher love (see Matthew 10:37).

In reality, the best way to help those we love—the best way to love them—is to continue to put the Savior first. If we cast ourselves adrift from the Lord out of sympathy for loved ones who are suffering or distressed, then we lose the means by which we might have helped them. If, however, we remain firmly rooted in faith in Christ, we are in a position both to receive and to offer divine help.

When the moment comes that a beloved family member wants desperately to turn to the only true and lasting source of help, he or she will know whom to trust as a guide and a companion. In the meantime, with the gift of the Holy Spirit to guide, we can perform a steady ministry to lessen the pain of poor choices and bind up the wounds insofar as we are permitted. Otherwise, we serve neither those we love nor ourselves.

This was so helpful and brought peace to my heart.  I know God loves me and is sending little tender mercies for me so I know I am going down the right path.  I am so grateful for this gospel.  I am so grateful.....I am so grateful.

Tender Mercies

So today was the first Sunday after Brittin left.  I decided I needed to bare my testimony.  There have been so many tender mercies this week that have made this time just a little easier.  Cookies brought, text messages, friends checking in and even a dozen red roses.  They have lifted my spirit and the spirit of my kids.  It is so nice to be remembered.  I am truly grateful that I live here and know the people of this ward.  I am so blessed.  So today at church I got up and bore my testimony.  I talked about the emotional struggle our family has had with your leaving but the excitement of your emails and hearing your stories and the growth I am already seeing in just the few days you have been there.  I was emotional and expressed my gratitude for my Savior and His plan for you.  I know you will learn so much along with being a great blessing to those you teach.  I know the Lord is with you and watching over you and I know this is what is right because you my dear have grown in just a few days!!  Anyway when I was done I went to sit down.  Immediately Dallin came up and gave me a hug and said "I love you".  I thought it was sweet but I noticed he didn't a have a smile.  I asked if he was OK and he said yes and sat down.  I quickly let my attention return to the meeting and soon after Dominick nudged me and said "Mom you need to take this one."  When I looked over Dallin was crying.  I put him on my lap and asked what was wrong.  He responded " It hurts that Brittin is gone."  I teared up and cried with him.  He said "She is going to be gone for 18YEARS!"   That made me laugh.  I held him and loved him and talked to him till he smiled again.  I told him he could pick a stuffed animal too.  He pulled himself together and stopped crying and took my tissue and put it in his pocket and said " Look mom, I can put my tissue right here in my pocket" and then went skipping off to class.

 I love this boy so much.  He is my tender mercy today.  I love seeing how much my children love each other.  If Brittin wasn't an important part of our family and loved as much as she is, she wouldn't be missed.  My children love each other.  That is a far cry from the way I grew up.  I don't think anyone even missed me while I lived in New York.  My children feel the loss of Brittin.  They love her and look forward to her coming home.  They also love her so much they are supporting her in this adventure and are living it with her.  So much love.

One more Dallin story.  Today he came home with some paper glasses from church.  He brought them to me and told me his teacher said he has to wear them all the time.  So he cut them out and put them on.

I am so blessed to be the Mother of these amazing kids!  I love my life!

Brittin left for her mission

My sweet Britt left wednesday on her mission.  I can't believe how hard that was.  I am so super excited for her to go but I just couldn't stop crying.  Everytime I did I would start again.  I miss her so much I can't help but tear up when I think about her.  Her room is so lonely and dinner isn't the same without her stories and jokes.  It is hard to get used to.  She left cards for each of us and told the kids they could pick a stuffed animal to snuggle with till she gets home.  She was so thoughtful.  Chloe went and had a picture she took with each of the kids printed and framed so they would have it to look at in their rooms.  I love that my kids love eachother so much and are so thoughtful of each others feelings.  It makes me happy to watch.

We got her first email today

Good morning!! 

I can't believe it is Saturday already. Today is my P day from now until 6pm. I can email all day so send me anything you want. Life here is going well. My district is just wonderful. Really wonderful. My compañeras are great too. We spent the first night really getting to know each other and we showed each other pictures of nuestro familias. They and the two other sisters in my district are so cute. They love their families so much and it just shows how faithful they are for coming here even though it is not a commandment for hermanas. They are all super outgoing and taalkative like me, but they all agree I talk the most haha. 

Spanish is hard, but I am accomplishing A LOT. One of my compañeras and one of the other sisters both took five years of Frensh. It's been hard for them to switch from using their throats instead of their tongues. My heart goes out to them for their hard work. 

I have never prayed so long and hard in my whole life . We have 3-4 hours of class time in one sitting and then we will have a meal or companion study or something for an hour and then we go back to class for 3ish more hours and then personal study, comp study, and language study. The information we learn in one day here is like a months worth of information I would learn of spanish if I were still in high school. My zone is the "Pilot program". The church is trying out a new curriculem. In this new program of teaching, they teach new missionaries the same amount of information in 10 days as the other missionaries learn in four weeks.It is so crazy. In the last three days, I have learned how to have basic conversations, pray, testify, ask questions, and pronounce plenty of words. By next saturday I have to have a talk written in spanish, memorize Moroni 10:4-5 in spanish, JSH 19-21 in spanish, and the my purpose on page one of preach my gospel memorized in spanish. SO MUCH> SO SO MUCH. MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING. A study has been done and it says that both groups retain the same amount of information. They do this not by teaching us all the same way, but also letting us have free rein on our learning. It is run the same kind of way my AP lit and lang classes were run. I like it a lot. But it is so much more than I have ever learned in school haha. We are also on a different schedule than the rest of the MTC. It is so crazy On our first day, my district of new missionaries was given a schedule. Our teacher informed us that that schedule was the wrong one and that our zone would be following a different schedule. So he told us to just throw that one away and he gave us a new schedule. All the times were right on this new one, but the room numbers and building numbers were wrong. So all eight of us kept showing up to classes and sitting in empty rooms. But by the time we finally get to the right room, class is over pretty much.. So the first day we really didn't do anything except wander aimlessly around this whole huge place! 

Exercise time is a party. Our zone plays four square and it is way intense. I'm going to put more info about that in my weekly though because I am running out of time on the computers. My phone works here and I've been getting holland's email each day. I love them! And I love and miss you all. I can email back and forth for a bit today so feel free to email me whenever. and send me anything you want during the week because I can read them all day every day! LOVE YOU!!!!

Hermana Morrison 

P.S. I left my shower sandals at home and most of my t shirts. I need them lol. I have no clue where my sandals are, but if you could send some t shirts that don't have sweat pits, that would be cool. Thanks! 

This is her mass email

HOLA!!!

So much has happened in the last three days and really I can't remember anything, so bear with my scatter brained self por favor.

SO. Day one was crazy. I got here at 12:30 pm and it was insane. I went right in, got my name tag, got my phone set up, got my room key, then went to class where not a single soul was speaking english. Then I was assigned to my companeras and I cried a little. But so were some of the other hermanas so it was all a ok. We learned a few things and then my district was given a different schedule from everyone else. My zone is the "Pilot program" here at the MTC and we have a completely different schedule from EVERYONE ELSE. There was a study done on this program and I guess we are supposed to learn the same amount of info in 10 days as all the other missionaries learn in 4 weeks. The amount retained and committed to long term memory is the same. So far I have learned how to meet people and have basic conversations, pray, testify, ask questions, read and write in present tense, and pronounce several words in El Libro de Mormon. all in espanol. By next saturday, I am to have written a talk in Spanish, memorize JSH 19-21 in spanish, memorize Moroni 10:4-5 in spanish and memorize the first page in preach my gospel in spanish. I also have to have a bazillion words memorized by then too and my brain is pretty much exploding. All the days mush together and I have no clue what is going on. we spend 3-4 hours in class at a time and then we have comp study, meals or personal study, then we go back to class for another 3 or 4 hours. Someone go tell Mr. Potter that I have to get over my fear now. My teacher walks around and listens to us talk in spanish and I get nervous every time and I stop talking. But he doesn't keep walking like Mr. Potter does. He just waits for me to start talking again so he can listen. It is so scary. But I am fine most of the time haha. and I super hope he isn't judging me. He only talks to us in spanish so I have no clue what he is correcting me on when he comes over. But maybe some day in the distant distant DISTANT future, I'll actually know. My favorite phrase that I say more than anything else right now is "No se" hahahaha. It's hard. SO HARD. but I can do it. I get really stressed and by the end of the day I am so tired. At night I don't sleep super well because my mind is going a thousand miles a minute with both english and spanish words, but each day I still get up with full energy and I am just fine. Heavenly Father is real and he has perfect energy and strength even though I am totally dead. 

The other day we were learning how to pray. I stayed up for a bit and practiced and looked over the night before so that I would be ready. I was so nervous and I couldn't remember anything, but I made a goal to pray out loud in familia prayer all in spanish. Durning the day I was having a hard time praying with sincerity because I don't know enough words to say what I feel in my heart. But I did what I've been told and read in the scriptures and I opened my mouth. I prayed to the very best of my ability and the amount of excitement I felt after I finished was indescribable. After that we had comp language study and we decided to study all together with our district. I could not stop talking because I was just so psyched. Everything anyone said I had a story for and we all got off topic and started talking about school and our families and all the fun stuff about our lives. After that our teacher softly chastised us and I am really working hard on not talking about other things so much. You can bet I still talk just as much if not more, but I try to keep it about church things haha. 

There is another Hermana in my zone. I don't know her real name, but everyone calls her Hermana Habla. They all say I might take over that name after she leaves....

 

Exercise time is a total party. I love it. We all play four square and it is the most intense four square I've ever seen in my whole life. Even more intense than XC four square. It's crazy. Our zone is way competitive. They have positions for everything. There is a miestra or "master", an apprentice and renegades. We all team up and set each other so that we can get anyone from another zone out. They were picking new renegades last night because all the other ones left to go to their mission fields last week. You become a renegade by "playing dirty" to get everyone else out. When you make a good move everyone yells "SUCIO!!!" They yelled that at me a lot. I was just trying to stay in. I wasn't even trying to get anyone out, but they said I have the potential to be the next miestra if I work as hard in four square as I do in Espanol *hair flip*. I guess missions aren't all about the gospel. It's about beating the french and the japanese in four square too.

We went to the temple with our zone this morning and it was the most wonderful experience. My mind has been running and running and running and running faster than I feel like I can keep up with, but I felt so much peace in the temple and I was finally able to relax. I really love it here even though it is hard and I am homesick. The hermanas in my district are so so wonderful and supportive. They are all fun and outgoing and so helpful in spanish. I love them so much! I know that Heavenly father knew I would need them and that I would be completely overwhelmed by life at first. So many tender mercies have been present in my life. Everywhere I turn, someone is quoting D&C 6:36. And at night when I am feeling the most homesick, I get an email from someone. We are allowed to read emails anytime here so keep them coming! Right before I left, one of the girls on the team brought over an envelope with scriptures and notes from everyone on the team. I've already broken into it (Not because I was discouraged, but because I was so psyched) and each of them were just the sweetest most wonderful christmas miracles. I also found three letters in my suit cases from my siblings and parents and they all wrapped me in love and reminded me that I am not here alone. Life is so crazy and I really have no clue what is happening 90% of the time, but I know that what I am doing is part of God's plan for me. I know that there are people longing to be loved and longing to know that someone cares about them. I feel it in my life and I look forward to sharing that love with them. 

I am terribly sorry if this whole email makes no sense. We don't have a ton of time on the computers so I am writing super fast and wracking my brain to remember what actually happened this week. I love you all and I thank you for your prayers and ever constant support. I hope you all have the most wonderful week!  

-Hermana Morrison

P.S. excuse all my mistakes. I was really trying to go fast. Also, in case anyone was wondering, everyone knows how jumpy I am now. It's a party haha

So we are moving.....

So over last few weeks Shawn and I have been praying about moving.  After my mom pulled her crap at Christmas it set me back.  I was depressed and frustrated with my situation.  I am so tired of dealing with her antics.  Shawn said maybe we should move.  I decided to pray.  I was told to read Al Fox Carraway's book More than the Tattooed Mormon.  That book I sware is for me.  She wrote it for me.  I found all of my answers there.  All of the encouragement needed to do this.  It is amazing.  I loved her book.  I loved the joy that radiated out of her book.  She is so happy and positive and just an amazingly uplifting person.  Her book has helped me to see that what ever He has for us in his plan it is better than the plan I have for myself.  To put God first in everything and all will work out better than we think it will.  So we are moving.

I wanted to move to St. George close to my friend Julie. As I prayed about where to go I felt Idaho is where He wants us.   He has told me that it is for the safty of my family.  He told me that if we stay my family will keep taking hits (so to speak) from my parents and sisters and it will weaken my family.  The Lord doesn't want that to happen and neither do I.  My children have special roles here and I need to protect them and build them so they can accomplish what they need.  This move isn't for me.  It is for them.  I have to protect them.  I would sacrifice and stay and deal with all of this for them if it was right but it isnt.  So we are moving.

Shawn sent me a link and suggestion to read a few articles.  I read them and the Lord also told me that he has a work for us in Idaho.  I keep hoping that "this is the last move" but the Lord has told me to stop getting attached to places.  He has work for us and lessons for us to learn.  I don't think this is the last move.  I always hoped I would be able to give my kids what I had.  I lived in the same house most of my life.  I lived in one house from the time I was 4 till I was 18.  I had all the same friends well mostly and my life was very stable and the same.  Shawn moved a lot.  He hated it and had a hard time making friends because of it.  I want my kids to be happy.  I have been told that what is there is better than here.  I am hanging on to that tight.  I want my kids to be happy.  I want them to have friends but I also know that the Lord wants those things too.  He has my kids in mind in all of this.  I know he will help them.  I am praying right now that he will prepare them because this is going to be difficult to tell them.  They are so happy.

I trust in the Lord and in His plan for me.  I love him and know He is going to give me great blessings for doing what He asks. So we are moving.  More to come.