Katie

I found out yesterday that Katie's husband left her.  I don't know the circumstances surrounding why he left but he did.  My feelings when I found out were shocked at first but then sadness for both of them.  I don't know what happened at all but my thoughts have been with Katie more than anything or anyone else over the last 24 hours.  She is living one of my fears.  Over the last couple of years that I have been dealing with Lupus my biggest worry has been that Shawn would get sick of having to take care of me and leave.  I cried about it several times.  Knowing that Katie is actually dealing with this my heart and thoughts and concern are with her now.  I knelt down almost immediately and prayed for her.  I prayed that she will have comfort and strength to press forward but I also prayed that the Lord would soften her heart and help this to be what takes her back to church.  I don't know that this will do it but I have seen the Lord do many amazing things. I am so grateful to have the Gospel in my life.  It is my beacon.  It is where I gain all of my strength.  I couldn't navigate this life without it.  I am truly grateful I have it and I hope that some how Katie will find her way back.  She needs it.  She needs a support system of uplifting people.  People that will help her find her way back to her feet but with positive uplifting thoughts and actions.  I also hope that Ben is going to stay in his kids lives.  I hope that he will be the Dad they need.  I truly hope and pray that some how good will come from this.  I love my sister even if I can't be with her during this time and help to hold her up I love her.  Right now all I can do is pray.  So that is what I am doing.

Goodbye Mom

I am reading a book currently called Will I Ever Be Good Enough.  Its a recovery book for daughters of narcissistic mothers.  In the book it tell me I need to let myself feel all of the feelings of loss for my Mom.  She is incapable of love it says.  The book also says that narcissism is a spectrum disorder.  The farther on the scale she is the more she hurts her family.  My mom was neglectful.  She never said the words I love you in our home.  Those words are words I constantly ask my husband to say to me.  It is an insecurity for me.  I need to hear them all the time and now I understand why.  I understand why I would find a woman in my life that I admired and would attach myself to them and literally fall in love with them.  Hoping to hear those words from them.  My young women leaders, Lori Hunter my dance teacher.  My 3rd grade teacher Miss Brock.  Anyone that was older than me and close to me in some way I would write them love notes, follow them around like a shadow, go over all the time to get the love I was missing at home.  I understand that now.  I just thought I was a weird kid but now I know I needed love.  How could she do this to me.  How do you not love a child.  How do you not feel a connection to your first born.  How do you not love your children.  I know she grew up in an abusive home so I get that her childhood was bad but seriously at one point you have to change that and grow up!! Grow up Mom!!  Take responsibility for your actions or in your case lack of them.  I mourn for the child I was.  I wish I could go back and hug that lonely little girl.  Give her the love she deserved.  I didn't deserve this.  I deserved a mother who adored her kids.  A mom that looked forward to spending time with me and loved hearing about my day. Who wanted to know me and encourage me. I deserved to be a third grader with a normal favorite show like Sesame Street or Mr. Rogers instead my favorite show was "The Luke and Laura show"  A soap opera!!  Why were you even letting me watch that!  I deserved to have a mom help me in High School understand abuse of a boyfriend.  Someone who saw the red flags and helped me to know how to get out of the situation instead of just being rude to him each time he came over.  I deserved a mom who was encouraging me to find out who I am and what I like to do so I could be successful in college.  Who when I said I wanted to be a hairstylist doesn't tell me that's not a real job.  I deserve a mom that would talk to me about college and recognize that I wasn't ready for a full load of classes in school and advise me to take one class to get my feet under me.  A mother who when I needed help with homework would teach me the study habits I needed to accomplish the grades Melissa did without comparing me to her.  I DESERVED A MOM WHO WOULD STOP THE VERBAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE I ENDURED FROM MELISSA REGULARLY BECAUSE I WAS THE OLDEST!!!  You knew what she did and what she said and you let it happen anyway telling me to just learn to get along.  I can't change why she hates me.  I was born first and that will always be the case and yet you never did anything to fix it.  You kept me in the same room with her almost my entire home life.  She made me feel stupid all the time.  She told me how stupid I was all the time.  I didn't figure out I am smart till I had to home school my kids and then your way of support was to tell me " Well you can't screw them up too badly in one year."  WHAT???!!!  Who says that to anyone especially your own daughter.  I deserve a mother who when I am sick doesn't say can you make it to my house so you don't have to do anything to really help.  Or maybe when I get diagnosed with Lupus ignores that I am struggling to keep my family fed and taken care up all with the excuse of I am busy!  How do you not know that moms sacrifice for their kids.  I didn't have a mom that did that for me and I still figured it out for myself.  How do you think you get a pass.  You don't.  You were a horrible excuse for a mother.  You failed beyond anyone else I know.  You suck!! I hate you for what you did to me or the lack of what you did.  I hate you.  I hate that you don't love me.  That you destroyed my daughters confidence in her talent.  I hate that I spent a lifetime feeling stupid because of you.  I hate you.  I never want you in my life again. You will never hurt me or my family again.  You are not going to be apart of my life anymore.  Do you hear that  YOU LOST ME!  You no longer have an oldest daughter.  Melissa no longer has anyone to be jealous of anymore.  She is the oldest now. Tell her congratulations for me.  She won.  But really I did.  I am taking control of my life.  I am moving my family away from your abuse.  I am taking them away to build our strength up.  I have amazing kids you will never know because I don't want you in my life anymore.  That's right you and me are threw!  Go to Hell!