Trying to count my blessings

Wow!  This has been a very trying couple of months.  Really a trying year to be honest.

During the last school year Dominick started saying he was sick and staying home. After a few times I started questioning why.  It turned out he was bored in school.  Repeating all he had already learned.  I worked with the principal trying to get him tested but it turned out that he is kind of genius level cognitively. I was floored.  We tried to get his teacher to challenge him but she refused. We also talked about moving him up a grade.  I really struggled with that.  The idea that he would be in High School before he was ready socially worried me.  I thought about homeschooling him but quickly dismissed the idea.  We changed his teacher and she tried to keep him busy but it just wasn't enough.  In the mean time Holland was starting to fake sick too.  Come to find out she was being bullied at school and she finally reached all she could handle.  She refused to go to school and demanded to be home schooled.  So we pulled her out and decided to home school  the next year for both. I thought that would be the end of it.  She struggled all summer.  It just seems like she is being attacked from all directions.  She stopped playing with her best friend Katherine and made a new friend in Katie.  She also loves to play with Hannah.  Still the summer proved to be difficult.  I noticed her ability to handle stress seemed to weaken.  She seemed irritable.  Easy to anger and struggled to calm down.  Then as the year started she started having panic attacks.  At first they were short lived but they got worse quickly.  After 2 weeks she was having long 6 hour attacks.  We took her to the doctor and had her seeing a counselor.  She was put on medication to calm her and I thought that would be it.  It wasn't.  All of a sudden she started having more and more of the attacks, she started hearing voices and seeing hallucinations.  We had to find a psychiatrist and fast.  I started calling and no matter what number I called I was told no this isn't the right office. None of the phone numbers led to the Dr. I tried one last number and that led to Michelle Benson.  She was a blessing.  She wasn't taking any new patients but agreed to take us.  She tried a medication that she said would sedate Holland until the other meds were out of her system.  It didn't work and she was getting worse. 6 hour panic attacks 3 times a day.  Finally she said for us to admit her into the Psychiatric Unit at The University of Utah.  I fell apart.  We did what she told us.

The hospital was hard.  Probably the most difficult thing we have ever had to do.  We were told that she would be in a unit with kids with anger problems.  Kids who had tried to hurt themselves or someone else. I almost didn't put her in there.  They did tell me though that if Dr. Benson said she needs to be in there, she carries a lot of weight.  They respect her and know her well.  They didn't question her decision and told us to trust that.  So we did.  We took our 11 year old daughter up to the unit and left her there.  I couldn't stay with her.  I could only visit for 1 hour twice a day.  I cried when we left her.  I cried every time she did. It was so hard to leave her there everyday.  I never realized how much someone contributes to a family until they aren't there anymore. I missed her terribly.

While she was there she said she was really scared and she had a prompting to pray.  She had already said her prayers, but she did it anyway.  She said she felt a calming spirit come over her.  Then she saw my Grandpa Love and my Grandma Weedn. She said that they told her that she needed to be there.  That it is all going to be OK.  That she would get the help she needed.  I am so grateful to know that my Grandpa and Grandma are looking after my little girl.  I prayed that she would have angels surrounding her and that she would see them.  She said she almost didn't recognize my Grandpa because he looked so young and that she asked who he was and his response was "you don't recognize me?"  I could almost hear him saying that.  I am so grateful my Father in Heaven saw the need for them to comfort her.  She also said she discovered something.  That God's angels have a white glow around them and that Satan's angels don't .  She said she knows this because she also had one of Satan's angels visiting too.  I don't like hearing that but I have felt that Satan wants her to give up on life.  She has a special role here.  He doesn't want her to complete her mission.

She stayed there for a week.  She was released and put into a day program to continue to help her control her anxiety.  I am amazed at the growth I have seen in her.  She is a completely different kid.  She is really trying to do everything right.  She was just released from everything a week ago.  I am not happy about her discharge because it was forced by our insurance.  They said she is doing fine and didn't need the treatment anymore.  So here we are.  She is so much better.  I am hoping with the help of a new counselor that we will continue to improve.  I labeled this post counting my blessings because I am just really grateful for the Lord's hand in all of this.  He led us to the right doctor.  He made it possible for her to have a bed same day in the hospital.  Others have had to wait days.  She got out earlier than expected and she was able to get into the day program quickly.  That isn't easy either.  The timing on everything has just worked out.  Such a blessing.  I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for all He has done.  I am so grateful for the comforter.  This is a good day.  I feel like things are moving forward.  I love my life.

Patience

I had to give a talk at church this week.  I wanted to save it to reference later.  I decided my journal can be more helpful to me than I thought.  I need to do better.

Brother Skinner called me this week asking if I would speak. I had mixed feelings on the phone.  I love the learning process.  I love what I gain from speaking and writing talks.  I don’t like to speak.  Then he told me to look at come follow me. How to be more Christlike.  I can  pick my topic.  This won’t be too hard.  I looked at all the topics and Patience popped out at me.  Ahhh.  That is a bad word patience.  I am not good at that.  Of course that would be the one I pick.  Why because I apparently need some work in this area.  So here is what I learned and hopefully it can help you to.

Patience.  What does patience mean?  Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, “Dictionaries define patience in such terms as bearing pain or sorrow calmly or without complaint; not being hasty or impetuous; being steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity.” Patience is a very difficult attribute to develop in our lives—mainly because it can take a long time with a difficult experience. And while many could think that being patient is simply passively waiting for the Lord to grant us blessings or circumstances that we desire, it is actually a very active pursuit toward a goal, mentally and spiritually.

We can find all kinds of stories in the Bible and Book of Mormon with examples of patience.The Lord’s Way and Time  Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Continue in Patience,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2010

The children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promised land. Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel. The Jews waited 70 years in Babylon before they could return to rebuild the temple. The Nephites waited for a sign of Christ’s birth, even knowing that if the sign did not come, they would perish. Joseph Smith’s trials in Liberty Jail caused even the prophet of God to wonder, “How long?”     In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.We must learn that in the Lord’s plan, our understanding comes “line upon line, precept upon precept.  In short, knowledge and understanding come at the price of patience.

Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness.

How many of us can look back on a trial we have experienced and see what we learned.  I know I can.  Sometimes I can see it immediately and sometimes I can’t see it till years later but I can see it.  I can see the growth, I can see the strength I gained.  I can see an increase of patience.  I can truly say (after the trial is over of course.) That I am grateful for that trial.  I truly am.  I wouldn’t give up the things I have learned over the years for anything.  I am grateful for the person God is helping me become and all of the trials, and difficult times are what have helped me get this far.  How can I not be grateful for that.  I can look back at the person I was 20 years ago and the person I am now and see incredible growth.  Do I like having to go through trials? No but, that is what I signed up for when I chose to come here.  I can wallow in it or I can find a way to be positive.

Background from Dominick’s infection.

Job

I had a blessing recently. I asked for it to help me with all of the emotion that I have been feeling. In the blessing the Lord told me I needed to figure out what I needed to learn from this trial. Only then would I be able to really let go and move forward. At the time I was thinking...my son was in the hospital for 11 days, I haven't ever been so scared in my life that I might lose one of my kids, I have hospital bills coming out of my ears...we are up to $40,000.00 before insurance, I lost my baby right in the middle of all this happening, what exactly was the lesson in all of this? I had a pretty good life before all of this happened. I mean I have said all along I am truly grateful that this happened in Utah and not here because my family was there to lift the burden. I don't think I am ungrateful but seriously...what was I supposed to learn from this???

Today I went to church. Simple I know, but I normally am in nursery with my son. Today I got to go to Sunday school. I haven't been there for a long time. When I do get to go I find it is the one class I really struggle to understand. I always feel behind and I really don't feel like I walk away with anything. Today was different. Today the lesson was on Job. The simplified version by Shelly is...Job was a wealthy man. Actually the scriptures imply that he was the most wealthy man. He loved the Lord and was faithful on top of being wealthy. Then the trials came. Satan didn't think that Job would stay faithful after he lost all of his wealth. God took the wealth away, his family away, his servants away. Satan thought that Job would curse God if all of that were gone. Job said "God giveth and God taketh away." God continued to allow the trials to come. His health was taken from him and he was in so much pain he wanted to die. Even his wife told him to curse God and die. He didn't. Why did all of this need to happen? Here is where it got really emotional for me. God knew that Job would remain faithful. The trial wasn't to prove to God he would remain faithful. The trial was to prove to Job that Job would remain faithful to God. Job went through all of this so that he could see the strength God knew he had. This is what I needed to learn. God knows that I have strength. He knows I am a faithful person. He knows that I can do amazing things. I needed to learn that I have all of these things. I needed to see that even though this is a lot to handle, that I can stay faithful and that I can get through it.

My Dad always makes the comment to me..."Shelly, you always seem to just roll through stuff." Stuff meaning trials. My Dad doesn't use the word trial. We disagree on a lot of things, but there is one thing I have learned. I have learned that I "roll through stuff" because of my faith, because of the strength that I have gained through each of these trials that I have had. This one is no exception. I have gained strength. I didn't curse God when my husband had to go to the Emergency room after Dominick and I had already had hospital stays. I didn't curse God when Dominick had to go back to the hospital after we had just gotten home. I never thought of not going to church as being an option. I love my faith. I love the Lord. I love this Gospel. I am so grateful to have it in my life to give me strength. I am so grateful to feel every time I walk into church that I am in the right place. And I am eternally grateful that the Lord knows exactly what I need to hear and helps those planning lessons to say just the right thing I need to hear the way I need to hear it. I am who I am because of what I believe and the trials that I have had, and I am truly grateful for my trials. I love my family and I am grateful to have a home filled with the spirit. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

When I think of patience...I think of trials, long suffering and finally the light at the end of the tunnel.  I think of my children wanting something right now,  My Dad frustrated because the car in front of him is moving too slow.  My husband trying to get used to the craziness that is our home after being in a quiet hotel room for a week.  I think of  when my son comes and says Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy and continues till I stop doing what I was doing or Shawn says Shelly would you please answer your son because I have tuned him out without realizing it.  My point in telling you this is we all have things in our lives that require us to learn patience.  It isn’t going away.  Patience is a Godly virtue.  We have to learn it.  We need it and if you look back at your life, we gain more and more with each passing day.

As President Thomas S. Monson said, ‘The future is as bright as your faith.”

Faith is a verb. It is actively putting into practice the things we believe in our hearts. When our patience is tested in unpleasant circumstances, it is our faith that will save us. We are told in the scriptures that there must be “an opposition in all things. If not so, … righteousness could not be brought to pass.” The prophet Alma in the Book of Mormon said that “ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience.” The righteous opposition we can bring to a negative experience can be our faithful selves. If we choose to diligently seek God and continue developing our own testimonies, times that try our patience will end up strengthening our faith.

I know personally that rings true for me.  Every time my patience is tried my Faith gains so much strength. I know that I have learned so much but I also know I have so much more to learn.  I know that I am stronger than 20 years ago but I look forward to the person I will be in 20 years.  The biggest thing I am grateful for is that I have the most amazing children. The most wonderful husband and the best friends I have ever had to join me on this journey of learning and growth.  I am truly grateful to be home.  I am so grateful for the people I have met.  The friendships I have gained. The support I have.  The joy I see in my family.  I have the best life and seriously the best calling with kids that put a smile on my face even on the worst day.  I love this gospel.  I know this is the true church.  I don’t have any doubts. I am so blessed. I am so grateful.  I am so grateful to be a member of this church.  

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ Amen

Still trying

I am not doing really great on my new years resolutions.  So starting again.  I want so much to be successful but I guess for me it is going to take a little more effort.  So here is to still trying.

Lately I have been very upset.  Melissa has been pulling away from family.  I feel like she has been pulling away from me most.  I feel like she is mad at me because I have things she doesn't.  I don't see it that way, but that is how I feel.  She seems angry that she has to work.  She seems angry that I am home doing what I love.  Taking care of my kids.  I have always wanted to be home.  I hate working and really have no intention of ever going back.  I feel like my life is here.  I don't want to be gone.  I want to be home so that when Chloe is married and has children she will come here to.  It makes me happy to be home and I don't want that to change.

I have spent time in prayer about all of this and I am trying to separate my emotions from it.  I am taking it too personally.  So I fasted about it today and I am really trying to find ways to let Melissa know I care about her and want her around without letting myself get to involved emotionally.  I am concerned about Bear Lake but I guess that is where getting myself spiritually centered comes in.

I went to the Temple the other day.  I did inititories.  I really enjoy doing it.  I had forgotten all of the wonderful blessings.  I really learn more each time I go.  I am trying to find time every week to go.  Kind of a struggle.  I thought it would be so easy when Chloe started this half of the year but it hasn't worked out that slick.  I am not going to give up though.  I know I need it and I love how I feel when I am there.  I feel like because Satin is stuck outside I can breath.  It is so nice not to have him in my head during that time.  I can really think through things and making decisions is so much easier.

So this past week has been Spring Break.  I love Easter.  This year we decided to do Jesus baskets.  I decided instead of all the presents we would do baskets that would have more Christ centered stuff in it.  We couldn't afford to do much this year but I found so key chains and necklaces and a pin that were all Centered around the Gospel.  The kids seemed to really like it.  I am hoping next year to do something a little bigger but I am so happy with what I found.

Easter was really fun with Dallin.  He was so animated.  He loved looking for the eggs and when he found them he came running to show me.  Then he would say I go find more.  It was so fun. I love that boy.  He just completes our family.

I have to close with my testimony.  I want my children to know it.  I want them to understand that I love this Gospel.  I am truly grateful to have it in my life.  I am so grateful that I grew up with it.  I have never in my life been without it.  I am so grateful for my Savior.  I am grateful for what he did for me.  I get to be with my family forever!  That is such a great gift!  I am so grateful to be home in Utah.  I am grateful to have my parents.  They are such wonderful people and I am grateful for my time apart from them because now I see them so differently.  They are amazing people and I love them so much.  I pray for my family and I am grateful to know that my Father in Heaven hears and answers my prayers.  We can talk to Him!  He loved us so much he gave us prayer and a member of the Godhead to be with us everyday.  I am so grateful and blessed.  I love my Savior.  I love my husband and my children.  I pray that I can be the Mom they deserve.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ Amen

catching up

well a lot has happened since the last time I have written. I ended up losing the baby so we have decided not to have anymore. I think the biggest reason for this decision is because its very dangerous for me. It is hard for me to carry the baby its hard the entire pregnancy. It is difficult on my body. We  both feel that this is what needs to happen. We need to focus on our children that we have and be grateful for what we have.  So  in doing that we are moving forward and enjoying life with the family that we have here. Shawn  did get his upgrade and we are excited about that.  It has been hard though because his schedule is very crazy. He's gone a lot.  He  missed Christmas this year. We  are hoping that this will be the only year though.
My calling is going well. I'm the assistant to the Secretary. I do struggle with some of it. I don't feel like I have a voice but I know the Lord wants me there so I am trying to do what he asked me to do.

 I am trying to attend the temple more often and trying to build my spirituality up so that I can get back to where I need to be. The  Lord has promised me that if I Center myself spiritually and everything else will fall into place so that's what I'm counting on.

I do love being here. I am so happy to be close to family I'm happy to be home. I feel more comfortable in Utah. I'm hoping that we won't ever have to leave again. I enjoy the people in my ward I've made friends here. I love going to visit my parents and my family. I feel a closer connection to my parents and I believe that  is because I have been away for so long that I see them in a different light now.

I have made some new years resolutions for myself 1.  I am hoping to get more spiritually centered. I am planning to attend the temple as often as I can. I am hoping with this new schedule that Chloe has that this will give me the opportunity to go once a week. I'm going to try. 2.  I'm going to try and be more healthy in the way that I eat and treat my body. I'm not asking to lose 80 pounds but I am asking to try and get back to feeling healthy and having more energy.  So I'm starting with the temple and praying. 3.  I'm trying to read my scriptures every night. I am hoping that if I begin this way that the other things will fall into place the way they  have been
 promised.  So all in all I think things are going well. we've made a promise to her kids that if we read the scriptures every single day for an entire month that we will go out to dinner with them to the restaurant of their choosing. So far so good.  We're on day three and we've done it all three days so hopefully we can keep it going all month. They  seem to be very excited about it.  They look forward to scripture reading every day. We are trying to improve on our praying as a family and I'm trying to improve my own personal prayers. Shawn  told me that he is praying for one of our children each day so I decided to try it myself. I feel that my prayers are a little bit more focused and in depth than  they have been in the past. I'm hoping that I will be able to continue to make that happen. I do love this gospel I just struggle to keep it where it should be. I'm hoping that I can pull myself back where I need to be so that I can feel the spirit around me more often. Our children are such a good example to me. They read their scriptures every day. They strive to do what they're supposed to do. Because  of that I feel that I should be showing them that I am doing those things too.  So I am following their example and doing what they are already doing. I am so grateful to have them in my life. I'm so grateful to have my my husband in my life. He's such a wonderful person. I wish there was a way to tell him how much I love him. I hope that he knows.