Alone

I had to report my friend to DCFS on Saturday.  I agonized over the decision for a week before getting the answer I hoped I wouldn't get. I have cried and prayed and gone to the temple about it I even contacted Justin Pitcher first counselor in the stake presidency.  He helped me to make the decision to go ahead.  I hoped that I would be able to do it completely annonymous but the Bishop was told and he told Allison someone called.  She knew it had to be in the neighborhood and then she talked to the case worker and knew at that point that the person who reported her would have to know her well in order to do it.  The details they had would need to come from a friend.  I don't know if she knows yet but she will.  Very very soon.  I don't know if she will even confront me or if she will just quietly exclude me from her life.  I just know I will be.  I had to give up my other friend too.  Hillary will need to support her but she can't do that if she is supporting me too.  She can't talk and be trusted by Allison if she is talking to me.  Allison wont feel like she can trust Hillary if she is running and talking to me at all.

I have to do this alone.  That is the scariest word I have ever had to deal with.  I hate alone.  I am scared of alone.  I was told in my blessing that I have been prepared for this moment.  That I will be ok with being alone.  That I will find peace.  I hope so because I have never liked being alone.  I love my friends and have been so blessed in coming to this neighborhood.  I have been so happy but I am wondering if my time here is going to come to an end.  I hope this blows over but I don't know if it will.

So many things

So a whirl wind of things have happened since I last wrote. Chloe and Austin broke up. We were all shocked. She was positive that he was "the one". She has been devastated. It was a break up inspired by the spirit. She and Austin both felt that it needed to happen and neither knew why. One night I was sitting with Chloe while she cried and she mentioned she was very confused about all of this. She had prayed previously about him and felt that they would marry. They were exclusive after only a week. She was and is still completely in love with him. That night on the porch I got a very clear impression. I felt they will get back together. Right now they both have things to learn. I feel Chloe needs to see and feel her self worth. Patrice has been telling her that she isn't marriage material. She truly believes that. She also has been telling her that the jobs she has gotten were to big for her. Her self worth is not or was not in a good place. She was told by the Lord she needed to love herself again. She has really been working on this. In the mean time she landed an amazing marketing job and has really impressed the people she works for. She is amazing. She is beginning to understand what she is capable of.

Our ward changed a bit.  They put in a new stake and that meant that our ward moved to the new stake. This affected Chloe.  We thought at first it would put her in Austin's ward.  I guess what it did was put him in hers.  They had a long talk the other night to hopefully put a friendship in motion.  I feel it is the Lord setting up the path for them to come together but we shall see.

Brittin has been my wild card.  She has liked a boy named Trayson for quite a while.  She would not date him until High School ended. Once it did though she jumped on board.'t  They have been dating all summer.  He just left to go to school in Virginia and Brittin is hoping to leave for her mission in February.  They decided to go exclusive and so neither are dating anyone.  I didn't see this coming.  I thought for sure they would break up but no....  She misses him and hopes to marry him when she gets back.  That is one to watch.

Holland started Lakeview Charter School.  She is so happy.  She tried out for the play Annie and was being considered for Annie but was given one of the Boylin sisters.  She is having so much fun.  She loves school and has made a bunch of friends.  She looks so happy.  She is taking Ballroom Dance, and drama and loves both.  She has a really fun drama teacher and I think she will thrive.  School started out a little rocky because of her anxiety but she seems to have a handle on it now.  I am so glad we put her in the Charter School.

Dominick didn't get into Lakeview but he did get into Ranches Academy.  That is another Charter school and he is very happy.  He has a new friend Rylie whom he seems to really enjoy.  They have set up a couple of play dates and they get along great. He loves school and seems to be doing really well.  I look forward to parent teacher conferences.

Dallin started kindergarten!  My last baby to go to school.  I can't believe it!  So grown up.  He loves it.  I haven't ever had a kid look forward to school everyday the way he does.  He is taking swimming lessons on Tuesdays and counts down every week for them.  It is so fun to watch.

We decided to go about paying off our house in an unconventional way.  If it works (and I am sure it will)  it will be paid off in 3 ish years.  We also are planning to purchase a vacation home at Bear Lake and a few other places to help us get our retirement going.  We are hoping to teach our children how to do all of this as a legacy to leave.  We just started the process of setting up our HELOC so we can begin this adventure.  I really feel so blessed.  I love my life!!

War and Blessings

So a lot has happened over the last few weeks.  We took our half week up to Bear Lake.  I had Brittin send a text to Kailey to ask them to leave everything on.  Melissa fired back a few texts telling Brittin she wouldn't answer the questions unless I asked her directly.  She finally sent a notice later that said they had already left and they shut everything off.  I took that to mean that she waited for me to contact her and when I didn't she shut it off out of spite.  I ignored it and headed up there.  When we got there I couldn't get the water heater to turn on.  I called my Dad who was absolutely no help and fought with me on the phone.  I  thought Melissa had done something to sabotage me.  I jumped to conclusions.  I reacted.  Something I am working on.  Anyway when I couldn't get help from my Dad I tried Michael and he already knew what was going on.  Apparently there was a family text about me sent around.  So finally I call my Uncle Wayne.  He told me it was most likely on and that I shouldn't worry about it and to call him if things changed.  So I did that.  We had a great day the next day playing outside.  The water was so close it was amazing and so fun.  The kids stayed in the water all day.  I loved sitting on the lawn chairs and watching them play.  I took Allison's family up with me and Annicka Chamberlain for Holland.  Brittin brought Amanda and Chloe brought Austin.  They all really enjoyed the time.  Even Lucy was more active and playful than I had ever seen her.  It was amazing.  She loved it there.

On Friday the hot water was gone.  I called Wayne because not only was the cabin cold but the Garage as well.  So I asked if it could be the propane.  After several different things tried we finally got the garage water heater up and running but the cabin still didn't work.  We tried turning it off for several hours and then on again and still nothing.  The cabin water heater was broken.  I was mad because I thought at first this was Melissa.  I know now that this was a mistake and I had jumped to conclusions.  I had also sent some text messages to my Dad expressing my irritation with Melissa.  I admit I wasn't nice. I was kind of a snot.  I was mad.

They called a guy to come fix the water heater but he said that the part would be difficult to get out there and would most likely need to be brought from Salt Lake. He said due to the way we shut things off and on each time we leave it just wore out and needed a new starter.  So we dealt with only the garage shower and enjoyed our last day.  I sent an apology to my Dad for being so rude and told him why I jumped to conclusions.  He completely ignored what I had to say, basically told me what I see as a problem is fictitious and that this entire thing was my fault.  I didn't have the maturity to contact my sister the way that I should have.  If I had done that none of this would have happened.  Then my Mom sent all of the text messages to Shawn and told him no matter what I said that it was my fault.  That hurt more than anything else my Mom has ever done.  She was trying to turn Shawn against me. He is the one person I have and she was trying to recruit him.  She did send an apology yesterday with a little dig in there to finish it off.  I do forgive her but that doesn't take the hurt away.  I am in awe that my mother would do this.

As I sat trying to figure out how to respond I turned to my scriptures.  In 2 Nephi Chapter 7 it talked about King Ahaz.  He was the king of Judea and at the time 2 other kings were soliciting him to be their ally against Assyria.  He refused but had been told by the Lord to do nothing at all.  He decided to go and side with Assyria hoping that would make it so they wouldn't attack him.  He was wrong and he was destroyed.  My answer was to do nothing.  So my reply to my mom was thank you.  That is it.  Nothing else.  So that's what I did.  An hour later I got a call and Dominick got into a charter school.  I feel like that was a little "you did the right thing"  from the Lord.  I was on cloud nine yesterday.  I love that the Lord has told me each step in this.  I am truly grateful for the guidance.  I have a good life, a great family, and wonderful friends.  I am so blessed

Sad

Today has been a little emotional for me.  I am doing a lot better with this seperation with my family but every once and a while it catches me off guard.  Today is that day.  I went to church and the topic in almost every area of church was family and depending on and serving family.  This subject is really hard for me.  With my family not coming to help at all and then telling me I should hire maids and a nanny to take care of my family.  This is something that has been hanging around in my head the last couple of days.  Why doesn't my family want to help.  Melanie says its because we were never taught to help each other but to me that is just another excuse saying I just don't want to so I am going to blame it on Mom.  My mom has a lot do with all of this but we are all adults now and have been to church....at least most of us.  We have all learned what they teach.  Love, serve, love serve.  That is what is taught every week and also what is taught in conference.  Look for ways to serve your neighbors,  look for ways to serve your family.  Its all very simple.  I get it.  Why doesn't my family.  I grew up in the same family and I see needs. Maybe not as much with my family but I think most of that is no one talks about what they need.  I do though. I tell my mom what I need and all I get is I am too busy.  I am so tired of hearing that word.  I wish I could get rid of that word.  We shouldn't be telling or even hinting that we are too busy to help at all.  Especially with family.  There is always a way to work something out.  Just my rant for today.

Brittin Graduated!

Brittin Graduated!  I can't believe I have 2 out of High School now.  There are so many changes taking place in my life I just can't keep up.  While Brittin is graduating Dallin is preparing for kindergarten.  Brittin's plan is to go on a mission.  She turns 19 in February so that means in November she will be getting her papers ready to turn in.  I am so excited to see what she does with the life ahead of her.  She is so amazing.  She is so close to the spirit and I couldn't be happier with the person she has become.  I must have done something right.  She is so thoughtful, a spiritual giant, friendly, funny, fun to be around, people flock to her because of who she is. I am so grateful for her. She is the one that brings joy and laughter into our home. It wouldn't be the same without her.  I love this girl and I am so proud of her.

Dallin Turned 5!

Dallin turned 5!  He has been counting down for weeks.  He said on his birthday "Today is my birthday but I am not 5 yet.  I don't turn 5 until I have my 5 candle and we sing Happy Birthday" He is stubborn, still has a belly laugh, his best friends are Brooke and Cole. He loves to play the WII and he thinks Dominick is the best big brother. I love when he puts his arm around Dominck and says "We are brothers right Dominick?"  He rides his bike faster than any kid on the street because he has been riding since he was 2.  He is fearless except for spiders, well and scary butterflies.  He is tender hearted and is the first to say I love you.  My favorite is when he says "Mom I just really love you." He is obsessed with Harry Potter right now and hums the theme song everyday.  He loves church, well correction he loves primary and every week after Sacrament he says "I know where my class is." as he runs off the primary.  This boy brings so much joy to our family.  I love him so much!! I am so grateful we finally got our little caboose.

Holland

Today Holland had a performance.  She sang Soak Up The Sun.  She is so fun to watch because she performs.  She loves to sing and she has a talent.  I love watching her.  My mom came.  Working up to seeing her I had all kinds of anxiety.  My shoulders were stiff, my stomach was upset, and I felt like crying all day.  When she came I had all the kids sit next to me so she couldn't. I could tell she was a bit offended, but she sat where she was supposed to.  The performance started and there were a lot of performers today.  They had some of the performers from the Draper studio too.  My Dad of course looked at the list and complained about how long it was going to be.  That is how he looks at everything.  He would much rather be at home.

After the performance my Mom walked up to Holland and asked her how she learns her songs.  She said the just get the music and learn it from listening to it.  My mom told her she was off key and that she needed to get the sheet music and practice it with the piano.  Holland looked like she was going to cry.  I kept trying to cut in and change the subject and she kept changing it back.  I was so mad!  Why does she have to take all the fun away from her.  This information isn't important right now.  Holland just got done performing.  She was on a high and in 30 seconds my mom took it from her.  I don't think she realizes she does this but she does it a lot.  She looks for things that are wrong and tells you immediately.  It is so frustrating. I finally got Holland away from her and told her how awesome she is.  She did so great.  She got up on a stage by herself and performed.  She didn't just stand there she had fun and I loved watching her.  Holland is at home on stage.  She always will be and despite my mother's lack of encouragement she will continue to be on stage.  Holland is amazing and I am really working on making sure she understands it.  I love that girl.

Mom on the war path

Today my mom sent a message through messenger on facebook to all my siblings discussing our family trip to Disney World next year in the fall.  She wanted to change the date from fall to spring because it will be easier with school.  I am not sure I am understanding how that makes it easier. Whatever.  We wont be going anyway.  I removed myself from the group because I hate seeing everyone pretend that everything is OK when it isn't.  It hurts. Right now I want to curl up and cry but I can't because it will upset my kids.  Shawn isn't home to hug me.

Anyway my mom immediately sent me a message telling me that they would decide without me.  I told her I am not texting family anymore and she will have to call if she wants to talk to me.  She said fine someone will call you when we decide.  I don't understand how she can plan a trip with the family with all of this drama going on and not feel a need to solve it.  It is absolutely amazing to me.  Now that I am separating myself so many things are catching my attention.  I just don't get any of this.  Does she love at all? How do you completely ignore the problem in your family and continue to plan a family vacation.  Unbelievable.

We had already decided that we wont be going on the vacation with my family.  Instead we will plan a trip with our children on our own.  I am not sure how it will work out yet but I know that the Lord has given me tender mercies up to this point.  I know He will help me put together a trip that will make my family happy.  This year we are planning a cruise.  The kids don't know, well the younger ones don't know.  We figured this would be a good trip for all of us since I am not sure how I will do health wise.  This is a good sitting trip for me.  I guess I just need to let go.  That is proving difficult right now.  The boundaries are new and family is just starting to find out.  They are going to be mad and lash out but they are there.

I am so grateful that I have Shawn.  He has been a huge help to me.  I know he supports me. I know he loves me.  I am truly grateful to have him by my side.

Boundaries

Life has gone down a road that I never saw coming. After the "family meeting" I actually felt guilty feeling hurt.  I started counseling and that has been amazing.  Lori has helped me so much.  She has helped me see that my family is very dysfunctional.  Through a lot of prayer and study I have decided I need to cut my family out of my life.  It is a hard decision to do this but I feel peace.  I have had a lot of tender mercies since then that have let me know I am doing the right thing. I am reading revelations in the Bible.  I have a book that is helping me to understand it. The next morning I was reading and this stood out.

Christ as the Lion depicts one who has power over all creatures and is a majestic, fearless king (as a lion is "king of the beasts) who possesses great strength. In this context the title is especially appropriate, because just as a lion prevails over other creatures, so Christ "prevailed to open the book" with seven seals (or according to RSV, Christ "has conquered, so that he can open the scroll and its seven seals")

Understanding the Book of Revelation

Jay A. Perry, Donald A. Parry

pg.69

This passage made me cry.  I felt like Christ was talking to me telling me I am a lion.  I possess great strength, majestic and fearless.  I needed that because after the meeting I felt 2 inches tall and felt I needed to change everything about myself to please my family.  My counselor has helped me see that this isn't a healthy environment and that I need to keep myself and my children away from them.  Chloe made her own decision months ago that this isn't family. She doesn't want anything to do with any of them.  Brittin still wants to go but wont go alone.  I won't let Holland go mostly because I feel she will somehow end up being the recipient of all of this.  They will project their irritation on her and I wont be there to stop it.  I would let the boys go but I can't let them and not Holland, so we are all staying away.  

Hillary sent me this shortly after all of this.  We read scriptures to and send what we learned to each other.  The night before this came I asked God in my prayers to help me have the strength to do this.  I pleaded with him to help me know how to do this.  I am cutting my family out of my life.  This isn't a normal thing people do.  I kept saying how am I going to be able to do this. This was an answer to prayer.

Saul has the spirit of the devil with him and is full of  jealously and hate. David has the spirit of God with him and through the power of God he is able to do all that he needs to, including using his sling shot to kill Goliath. David was trying to follow the will of God. As we strive to follow the gospel and listen to the spirit as to what the Lord needs us to do, we can also be blessed to have the strength and power to do what we need to.

I have been reading a book called boundaries that my counselor has requested I read.  I have learned a lot about the need to set boundaries.  It warns that my family will get crazy when this happens and that I need to be prepared.  Right now my boundaries are no contact with most of my family.  I have blocked 2 sisters completely from my life.  Limited contact with Mel.  Really I think it will go to no contact with my mom but right now it is limited.  After making that decision I had a week of energy and feeling light.  I felt great.  All reality has set in now and I know the day will come that I will have to deal with this head on.  Not looking forward to that at all.  I feel the Lord is holding that back until I am ready though.  I know he is with me.

I do wonder something though.  In my blessing it tells me to take my children to see my parents often. It will be a strengthening bond in my family.  I am not sure how this fits into what the Lord is telling me.  I am still working on that one.

Terrible, Awful, no good very bad day!

Yesterday was awful.  I had my family over to talk through things to try and resolve problems that I thought were big.  They were for me. I have been so hurt by the fact that my family isn't like the family that I want...I want my family to be here for me, mostly in support.  I feel lonely, and trapped, I don't feel like anyone understands.  I am mad that I can't do anything for myself.  I need to scream and throw things. I am angry. My mom mentioned after the horrible fight that I am morning the loss of the person I used to be.  She is right.  I hate that I can't do things that I normally do.  Really I can't do things that anyone can normally do.  I am slipping into a deep depression.  I am not me anymore and that is hard to accept.  I have thought many times about going to a counselor but have quickly dismissed it because I am trying so hard to be the person I once was.  I am not ready to give that person up, because that means I have to let in this new person that is the complete opposite of the person I was.  This person has to sit A LOT.  Sitting isn't something that I do very well.  I have always been the mom that is involved.  I make my kids breakfast everyday, bacon, eggs, toast, pancakes.  All the good stuff. I love to serve and do it when I can.  I love to help anyone going through hard times.  I love to find the positive in anything and everything.  My friends tease that I can find the positive in sitting in POOP. lol  I am a very involved social person.  I love me. Or I did.  Now I am the person who is too tired to make breakfast.  I am too tired to socialize.  It wares me out to do visiting teaching. To walk up the street to visit anyone.  Really anything I do makes me tired and winded.  I keep trying to convince myself this isn't real and I try to do my normal everyday things but it always backfires. That makes me mad, but I have this battle everyday.  This is hard to find the positive in.  I am trying but this one has been difficult.

So my family came over.  I spent so much time preparing spiritually.  I prayed so much about this meeting.  I really thought it would go so much better than it did.  When everyone came  I really thought we would talk and walk away with a new understanding of each other.  That did not happen.  partially because of them, and partially because of me.  When everyone sat down my mind went blank.  It scared me.  I couldn't form my sentences right.  Everything came out wrong.  I felt attacked and couldn't seem to put my thoughts together to defend myself and that just made things worse.  I kept trying but nothing went right.  My family was so mad, so frustrated and hurt by things said in the past and last night.  That was never my intention.  I needed to listen and I didn't.  I felt attacked and because of that I tried to defend myself.  I was not the humble person I had asked the Lord for help to be. Pride.  It bit me hard yesterday.  I wanted to fix things but that didn't happen. None of us listened to each other.  I wanted to be heard but so did they and none of us stopped to listen.  Problem number one.

My brother was the voice of reason.  I really do love him so much.  He said some really good things that I really heard.  This is all a huge misunderstanding on both sides. Things I saw one way I realize were seen completely different by my family.  Things they were upset about  I saw completely different.  No one was right, no one was wrong really.  We all have a side.  I wish we could talk more as a family because if we could this would be so different.  We don't know how to talk though.  We can't fix things by talking.  We only make it worse.  That is hard for me.  I talk through my feelings.  I don't like feeling angry at people and I don't like people being mad at me.  I guess I am like my Dad that way.  My mom gets mad and walks out and then when she's ready, comes back.  I have never understood that.  I don't feel like things get solved that way.  I think my sisters are a lot like my mom. They walk away and when they are ready just join in again.  I personally don't like that because I just feel like that anger just festers and stays with you till the next time and then adds to the anger that is new.  I feel like it is unhealthy but I can't change them.  I am going to have to find a way not to take what they say in anger personally.  I just don't know how to do that.  The things said are hurtful on purpose.  That is the reason they are said.  How do I take that and let it go when someone says something for the sole purpose of hurting someone else.  That was the thing I hated most about growing up in the Love house. That is the thing I won't let my kids do to each other.  When hurtful things are said we sit down and talk through things and I try to keep the peace while that is being done.  Stop any lashing out and name calling so feelings can be expressed. I keep wanting my family to be like that but again I can't change them. What do I do?  What a mess.

I love my family very much but I am not sure how to go forward from here. I am so hurt and they are so hurt.  We are all hurt from not listening to each other that I am not sure what to do. I also don't like the person they see.  They see a selfish, uncaring, all about me person.   That isn't me.  What have I done to make them see this person and how do I fix it.  In their eyes I am a horrible person that they don't want to be around.  How did this happen? They see a person I don't even know. Do I really act differently around them because the person they see I wouldn't want to be around. I guess that saying is true.  If you treat your friends the way you treat your family, you wouldn't have any friends. Apparently I have some sole  searching to do. How can I be different to my family. How can I change what they see. The only way is through prayer and temple attendance.  I guess Shawn was right when he said the hearts that needed to be softened were.  Mine was one. The biggest one.  I am really angry at my family.  I don't feel support from them.  I don't feel like I can ask them for help.  Maybe that is something I am going to have to come to terms with. Is it wrong to feel that way?  My family is becoming a place to hang out occasionally.  My friends are becoming my family.  That seems so backward to me, but I don't think I can change that. I guess when it comes to leaning, my friends will be there and I am going to have to give a pass to my family.  I don't really feel like they want to be apart of the hard things that my little family is going through.  I guess I let my mom know what is going on and then let the rest of the family find out from her. That seems to be the best way.  I still feel like Katie is petty and her things she is angry at are stupid but I guess she sees me the same way.  As it is right now I see this being repaired mostly from me just dropping it and forgetting about it.  It   take a few times of showing up to family functions doing that but eventually things will go back to normal.  Do I want this.  No, but their ways aren't my ways and vice versa.  I don't think I will ever get them to understand how I feel and that talking through things is better than this but I did it before.  I let things go before and managed, I guess I just wanted more.  Do I expect too much from people? This whole experience has made me question myself a lot.

So much to figure out.

Trying to be Humble, It's hard for me

It's conference weekend.  I love listening to conference.  I love how uplifting it is.  This weekend was hard though.  Shawn read an article last night and the things he was saying about it scared me.  Right now we are dealing with a lot of same sex everything meaning it is everywhere and life and any normalcy is changing with it.  Girls going into boys bathrooms and vice versa.  It is so different and has gone a direction I never saw coming.  This is difficult to understand and to know how to handle it.  I have to teach right and wrong to my children but also love one another.  I have to find where the line goes.  This article said some things about President Kimball I have heard before. Calling him out on why the delay in letting African Americans have the priesthood.  I understood the reasons for the article.  He was arguing for his kids that have come out Gay or lesbian. I know I would feel a need to find a place for my kids in this world or church for that matter if one of them were dealing with this.  I get that but for now I am not going to have to deal with that part of the trial but what do I teach my kids.  I also don't like what was said about the prophet.  Shawn said it was respectful but I don't agree with using racism to describe a prophet of God.  I don't like when Shawn reads these kinds of articles.  He gets to a panic state that scares me.  I didn't deal with it well this time and panicked myself.  I prayed and found answers to the things that bothered me and sent an email to Shawn to help him understand  how I was feeling.  What came back at me was not expected and now I have a new problem to work through.  He told me I talk down to people.  I am harsh and mean in the way I am talking to someone when I don't agree with something they are doing or saying.  I am hurt.  Do I really do this?  Yes.  I know I do sometimes because I struggle when people make stupid decisions.  I know that is a harsh way to say it.  I know this is a struggle but I guess I didn't think it was that bad.  Now I have to figure out how to solve it.  I don't want to be this way.  I don't want to hurt those I love.  I don't want to make them feel bad.  How do I get my point across without the harshness and feel heard.  I feel like with Shawn there is always a reason  excuse as to why he can't do what I am asking.  When he doesn't like the suggestion he finds a different way to do it that really isn't different but in his head it is.  It bugs me.  Its like he doesn't care about my opinion so he goes around it.  Apparently he feels that way about me.  I hate being told I am doing something wrong.  I hate it!!  I do know I need to change the way I do things if I want to fix things with my sisters.  I know I need to listen more and talk less.  I just don't want to get lost in the shuffle when I don't feel listened to.  Shawn suggested reading how to make friends and influence people.  I hate when he suggests that book.  AAAHHHH!  I know he is right but really hate it when he is.  Today was hard and emotional. I hate when I am told I am wrong because I'm not!!! ;)

Blue and Gold Banquet

Tonight was the Blue and Gold Banquet for scouts.  Dominick and Shawn made a cake for it.  I wish I would have thought to get pictures of the process but I didn't even think about it.  I think mostly because they made the cake about 2 weeks early and put it in the freezer because Shawn wasn't going to be here for the banquet but we wanted him to be able to participate in it. Shawn decided the cake needed to be big.  My biggest cookie sheet big.  It was a lot of cake.  They made a missionary and Shawn spent a lot of time painting the foam plane he bought.  They both were really proud of their creation.  Dominick was so close to winning.  He came in a very close second.  Dominick also received 4 awards today.  It was a fun day and it is so fun for me to see him so happy with all of his friends.This really has turned into a great neighborhood and ward to live in.  I am happy here.

Selfishness

Today was not fun.  I struggled to get school done because the door bell kept ringing.  I was getting frustrated with that. Allison came first and I wouldn't let her stay because this English lesson was hard today.  Then after she left Melanie came with plates and plastic ware. I stopped school to talk for a while. It was nice that she came.  I actually enjoyed seeing her.  It was nice to have contact with family. After she left we finished school and then I had to lay down for a nap.  I seem to need those more and more lately.  I didn't sleep well the night before but it really doesn't make a difference when I do sleep well.  My body seems so tired.  I will be honest I feel like this is my new normal.  I know I can get to a place that I can accept that but right now I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. This brings me to tonight.

A bunch a women were meeting together for book club and going out for dinner.  I decided I wanted to go.  I don't get out much so I wanted to try and be social for a change.  I asked Hillary and Allison to go with me.  Hillary needed to be home but with a little pushing I got Allison to come. I offered to pay for her dinner so she would come.  On the way there I noticed she was upset.  I pushed to get it out of her.  She basically told me that she was mad at me.  She was mad I didn't come over earlier in the week and help her find her wallet.  She says I don't reach out to her and she is the only one making an effort in this friendship. She said it is hard for her because sometimes she feels that it would be easier for her to walk away from me and not be friends anymore because she is just struggling with me being so different.  I am not social, I don't text her, I don't make an effort.  Honestly right now I don't do any of those things but no one is more frustrated than me.  I am mad that I cant unload the dishwasher without breaking into a sweat.  I can't pick up the laundry from the floor and sort it on the bed without breaking into a sweat and breathing hard.  I can't do anything normal.  I have to walk slow because I start breathing hard if I walk at a normal pace.  I struggle going up the stairs.  I do all of these things anyway but it catches up to me and forces me to lay down. I don't like this at all but I am trying to accept it.  I have started doing family history and crocheting to help me feel like my time is more productive.  That has helped but having my best friend talk to me like she did frustrates me.  She is mad because I am not taking care of her but I am mad she doesn't understand how hard things are right now.  I am angry! She is supposed to understand not make me feel bad because she isn't getting enough attention.  I wanted to kick her out of the car and drive home.  I was really hurt.  I actually felt guilty for not being there for her but I was the one that asked her to come out tonight.  I paid for dinner.  I wanted her to come.  I thought this was a big moment for me but she took it from me.  I can't tease with her but in the state she is in she says it's mean.  I don't feel I can do anything with her.  I feel like I have to watch everything I say around her.  Honestly it is hard to be her friend and sometimes it would be easier to walk away from her.  I would never say that to her.  All that would do is hurt her. I am trying not to let thoughts like that enter my mind.  AHHHH.  I am so mad at her tonight!

My sweet Holland

On Saturday Holland had another voice performance.  She loves to sing and it shows.  She gets a song for a few weeks to practice and then they have all the kids perform for family and friends.  She sang Popular from Wicked.  She was amazing.  Her performance was so animated and fun.  I have watched it over and over.  She loves her lessons. I am so impressed with how much she has grown.  Her voice has improved tremendously.  After she was done a girl a lot younger than her got up.  She was really unsure of herself and the words to her song.  She tried twice but just couldn't get the timing right and burst into tears running off stage.  After they were able to get her to come back and sit with her friends, Holland told her she would go and stand up on stage with her so she wouldn't have to be alone.  She agreed and Holland and 2 others went up there with her.  She did great.  There was a point that she stopped and couldn't remember the words so her sister started lip sinking and stole the show for a brief moment so she could get her words back.  The acting her sister put into it was absolutely hilarious.  I wish I had recorded it because it was so good.  At the end Holland ran up and wrapped her arms around this little girl telling her how great she did.  I had tears in my eyes.  It was a moment I will never forget.  My sweet Holland and her love for others is a cherished trait.  I love this girl and all that she stands for.  She is such an example to me.

Difficult Day

Today was hard.  I got a call the pulmonary test I had last week.  I was told they found a blockage in my lungs.  The feel it is from a disease called connective tissue.  The nurse explained that there is tissue that keeps everything in place.  The tissue connected to my lungs have what they think is scar tissue preventing my lungs from being able to expand.  They are sending me to a pulmonary specialist.  They also want a CT scan to see how severe the scaring is.  From what I have read this goes hand in hand with Lupus.  I mentioned to my mom and after a few non personal questions I got keep us posted.  I think I am more upset that my family is not more vested in my life.  Right now if this were to get more serious (I don't think it will) I would actually be offended if they took interest then.  I am angry at my mom.  I am angry that she didn't even call today to get the information from me instead of text.  I am mad that her response to the info was you are a mess shell.  I want her to listen.  To care.  To let me vent.  I can handle this but I am beginning to feel like this is my new normal.  That is a little tough today.  I was really hoping that this would be curable but the more I read and talk to others that have it, it sounds like it is debilitating.  I can do this with support but even with this information I just don't feel like I will get that from my family.  I do have Shawn and my kids.  I am truly grateful for that.  Shawn has been so good to me.  He is such a wonderful person and I am so lucky and grateful he is in my life.  I couldn't do this without him. I thank the Lord every night for him and his understanding heart.

Spring

Not a lot happened today other than the weather is beautiful.  It was 73 degrees.  I love it.  I am slowly feeling better but going on walks still tires me out.  I tried it the other day and I felt sick after I got home.  Dallin had a really great time outside.  He came home so dirty.  I wish I had gotten a picture of him.  Dirt on his face, hands, he changed clothes (on his own without permission) twice. He is so happy to be outside.  He has been running around with Cole Skinner.  They are the same age and it is so nice to see him playing with boys.  He has been best friends with Brooke forever and wouldn't play with anyone else.  Now he is discovering that boys are fun too.  They have been riding their bikes together.  Dallin has been riding a two wheeler since he was 2.  He started on a scooter at Bear Lake.  He was determined to keep up with Dominick.  He never gave up.  By the end of the summer the year he turned two he was zooming down the sidewalk on his scooter. We decided in the spring to get him on a bike.  We purchased a balance bike and two weeks later he was riding a regular peddle bike. He was still in diapers. lol  Makes me laugh how quickly he picks up on stuff.  He truly amazes me.  He isn't afraid to do hard things and is constantly trying to keep up with Dominick.  I love that he looks up to Dominick.  I really think Dominick likes it too.  I am so grateful I have my two boys.  They are wild and loud and dirty but so much fun.  Dallin definitely completes our family.  Love that boy!

Monday March 13

I read the scriptures this morning.  I am working my way through the D&C.  I have been using the seminary manual.  I have learned so much from using that.  I really did a disservice to myself by not listening in seminary when I was in high school.  It has been really fun to read all about the revelations Joseph received.  The manual helps me to understand what I am reading and goes into depth on why the revelation was given. Currently I am on section 124.  It begins talking about the Nauvoo temple.  The saints were asked to build it.  They had already built and abandon the Kirtland temple and been told to build one in Independence and also in Far West.  They did get the corner stones in at Far West but they had to abandon that too.  I am sure their faith was tested when asked to do it again.  The reason for this temple was so they could receive the remaining ordinances to restore the church.

124;40  And verily I say unto you , let this house be built into my name that I may reveal mine ordinances there in unto my people.

I also learned that if we want to receive the fullness of the priesthood of God, we have to receive the fullness of the ordinances of the temple and keep His commandments.  In the manual it says you cannot receive the fullness of the priesthood unless you go into the Temple of the Lord and receive these ordinances of which the prophet speaks. No man can get the fullness of the priesthood outside the Temple of the Lord. 

We need the temple. It is so important for us to go.  I am beginning to understand more and more why God did things the way he did.   The Kirtland temple had a purpose.  Once that purpose was fulfilled the temple wasn't needed anymore.  That's why the Lord didn't protect it after the saints left.  Nauvoo was the same.  It was built to finish giving the saints the ordinances.  Once they had them that temple could be abandoned too.  The Salt Lake Temple was to stay for good.  It took 40 years to build.  More time and effort because it was here to stay.  I love reading the scriptures.

So after scriptures I finished up home school with Holland and Dominick and then went out to lunch with my friends.  I love getting together with them.  I wish we could have done more than lunch but I needed a break when we got home and my day wasn't over yet.  Holland had voice lessons.  She is an amazing little singer.  I am so impressed with her improvement over the school year. She has really grown. She has a performance on Saturday again and I look forward to seeing it.  She is also trying out for the One Voice Children's Choir next week.  I am excited to see how she does.  I love her so much.  Her fun attitude, crazy temper, her love of the Gospel, her kindness, and love to everyone she meets.  She will move mountains.  I can't wait to see the young lady she becomes and what path she chooses to take.  Love that girl.

I want to cry

Do you ever have a day where you just want to cry? Really? I feel like that a lot lately. I have so much to be grateful for. I have 4 beautiful kids. I have the most amazing husband in the world. I have a home. I have the true Gospel in my life. I have so many blessings. I am lonely though. I am struggling in so many ways. I just feel invisible. My sweet husband has given me a blessing and in it is says that I need to read everyday. So I have really made an effort to dive into the scriptures. I read every morning and I have started to feel like i am "feasting" on them. I feel like I am really improving that way, but it hasn't really helped in the area of friends. I need them. I am so far away from my family. In a way that is good. For the first time I really feel independent. I am doing it all on my own, but I miss them. I miss the family things I can't be there for. We have talked about it many times and have decided that we need to stay here until Chloe and Brittin have Graduated. So that means at least 6 years. I can do that.

I decided this morning I need to change the way I look at living here. That is my focus for a while. I do love living in Missouri, but I have really struggled with how childish so many people behave. I have tried so many times to be friends with so many people in my ward and I always come out hurt. It makes me gun shy. I don't want to be gun shy. I want to be outgoing but I can't seem to find that part of myself. I feel like a part of me is gone because of living here. How do I get it back?

PWR

Today in relief society we had a lesson on Power goals. PWR means Pray, Write, Read. Pray everyday, Write in my journal everyday, Read everyday. I am really trying to implement this. I have been awful at writing. I have tried the once a week thing and once a month and once a year. It doesn't work. Now I am working on everyday. Rachel Cox gave the lesson and said that she just started this 2 months ago and has been amazed at the blessing it turned into to do this. So here it goes. Recently I was diagnosed with Lupus. In June of 2016 I started to feel tired all the time. So tired I started to become a hermit. I didn't understand what was happening but I tried to deal with it as best I could. I saw several doctors about it. I couldn't get any answers. One said it was Epstein Barr. I thought it might be MS. I had hundreds of tests run and blood taken. I changed doctors several times with no answers. I felt like one doctor would just pass me to another. I was frustrated. I couldn't stay awake, drive, walk across the room. I never went downstairs because coming back up was impossible. I would literally have to take a nap after walking up the stairs. I have struggled with no answers for about 6 months till one doctor finally said I had Lupus. All the pieces fell into place at that moment. I have been put on medication to help with the symptoms. It is definitely better but not all the way. It is now March of 2017 and I am still dealing with the fatigue and the winded feeling when walking too much.
 On Friday last week I went in for some more tests. A pulmonary function test and a Echo Cardiogram. Both looking for problems with my lungs and heart. I am hoping they find something so maybe it can be fixed so I can finally feel normal. I have 2 friends that have been such a huge support during this. Allison and Hillary both have stuck by me the entire time. Hillary has even been to the Dr. with me several times.  I am really grateful to have both of them.  My ward family has been great also.  They have provided dinners and help anywhere I have needed it.  I couldn't have gotten through without them.  My family has been absent.  I don't totally understand it.  I know they love me but I have needed so much help and no one came.  My mom did bring dinners once in the summer but after that she never really even checked in.  I know this is kind of her but I have needed so much.  I moved close to her to get the help and I didn't get any. My sisters haven't called to check in at all and there was a huge fight at Bear Lake about my room and they wanted me to give it up to the younger kids. I wouldn't do it because I was sick first of all and I was sensitive to heat and sound.  Any other room had problems with one of the symptoms I was dealing with.  Everyone was mad at me for not giving up my room.  I spent almost the entire trip sleeping in my room.  I was the only one that needed to be comfortable.  At Christmas Katie and I had a fight and she said some really hurtful things about me and my family.  That was the last time I have really seen my family.  I want to fix the problems between us but I feel the Lord is working on this and that right now I need to be patient.  So that is what I am doing.  My sisters have tried to contact me and maybe try to fix this but my mom wont do it and she is part of this.  She doesn't want to admit it but she has me in the middle of problems with at least 2 of my sisters.  This can't be resolved without her. So the Lord has told me to wait.  I pray about this problem all the time.  I still feel like I am supposed to wait.  So this is what I am doing.  I hope this is resolved soon.  What I want is for this to bring us closer together as a family and put us in a position where our problems are easier to solve because we are talking more.  I miss my sisters but I know the Lord has this one.

My life in a nut shell. Lupus and my new normal.