Tourists.

Nate's finally home for a few days after working an insane amount of hours in the last two weeks. We missed him! So we decided to go be tourists and wander around the strip today. We hit the Bellagio gardens (I was craving a little green space) and the water show. Then we walked around City Center (fancy, but not quite as cool as I expected) and I fell in love with plenty of things at Tiffanys that I'll never be able to afford. :) It was hot (but not horrible), it was very un-crowded, and it must have worn Sonnet and Nate out because they are both currently taking a killer nap. I can hear the snoring two rooms over. :)

Enough.

When you practice yoga, it helps to create a "mantra"-- a word or phrase that you repeat in your mind during meditation. There are some standard mantras that you can copy (like just "om" which is sort of the universal sound or a word representing the supreme being, creation, the universe, etc. or "shanti shanti shanti" which is the word for peace...there are lots of standard mantras and seeing as how they tend to come in Sanskrit or Hindi, I only know a few)... or you can make up one of your own. Generally you think of something you are working on or working through and dedicate your practice to it. Or it could be a statement of your belief. Your phrase could be something like "everything is OK" or "i am capable" or "i am a child of god"... anything goes.


I generally go with the phrase "just be." It's short and easy to say, plus it's calming to me to focus on nothing but the present. I tend to constantly rehash the past or worry about the future and it really stresses me out. I like to put all that aside, to forget about what I did wrong or what I still have to do, and to give myself a break from my flaws and "just be."


Well, at the end of yoga class this week, my teacher was guiding us through meditation and he suggested the mantra "I am enough." He repeated it over and over in that super-soothing voice of his and the impact of the words really hit me. Have I ever said those words to myself before? I don't think so. Even during times when I'm doing everything right or feeling very successful, I've never let myself believe that I am enough.


Now, of course, it's important to always be striving for something more. You can't remain static- you're either progressing or you're falling behind. There are so many things that we need to do and learn during our lives and I am in no way saying that we should just sit down and say "I am enough, I don't have to try any more." I don't think that's what my yoga teacher was suggesting either.


I think he knows that most of us beat up on ourselves. We compare ourselves to others and always feel like we're falling short. We think only of the things we have yet to accomplish without taking anytime to think of all the wonderful things we have done. We focus on the flaws, however small, rather than celebrating all the talents we have.


I think that especially as women, even more so as Mormon women, it's easy to get overloaded. It's easy to feel guilty that you don't bake your own bread, or home school your kids, or that your house isn't clean, or that you didn't read your scriptures today, or that you didn't volunteer for the latest service project. There are just so many good things that we can and should do, but the fact is that we are human and we can't do them all. We can only do what we can do. And we can do enough.


I think once in a while we need to remind ourselves that we are enough. God created us, He gave us strengths and weaknesses, talents, gifts, blessings, a mind, a spirit that yearns to do right, and agency. He thinks we are enough. He thinks we can make it. He loves us. And I think He would be happy if we could let ourselves enjoy His creations a little bit more... if we could take some time here and there to feel good about ourselves and our efforts...to tell ourselves that we are enough.

The Last Day.

Alrighty, I've been at this whole "dressing better" experiment for two weeks. Sunday was my last day, and here's what I wore...

Dress- Dillards
Black pumps- Newport News
Pearl hoop earrings- Target
Black and silver bracelet- Sioux Design

Then I took off my church clothes and put on sweats. Then Nate called and told Sonnet and I to come visit him at the station, so I put on this...

Red shirt- New York and Co.
Denim capris- Target
Grey jacket- Gap
Red pumps- TJ Maxx
Multi-color necklace- New York and Co.
Silver cuff watch- Sioux Design

And seeing as how I'm a day late in posting this, I'll throw an extra outfit in for good measure. Here I am today...

Paris t-shirt- Walmart
Pink t-shirt- Down East Outfitters
Jeans- Walmart
Houndstooth flats- Marshalls
White watch- Fossil
Pink bangles- Walmart
Pink ring- Walmart

So that's the end of it. I promise I won't post any pictures of myself or talk about clothes for a long time. :)

Like I said, I don't have a great sense of fashion. I would like to be funkier, but everything I wear is pretty basic. I've actually learned that just having plain t-shirts and pants with a few "fun" things thrown in, makes it easy to mix and match. I came up with way more outfits then I thought I would. I seriously thought I didn't have any clothes. And I still don't think I have that many, but I could probably go another 8-10 days without repeating outfits. Don't worry, I won't subject you to it. But it's nice to know that I do have a pretty complete and comfortable wardrobe.

I learned that I really only shop at a handful of stores. How many times have I typed "New York and Co." or "Target" or "Down East" in the last few weeks? Maybe I need to branch out a little? I'm just not a good shopper though. I have to stick with what works... and with what's cheap. :)

I also learned that I probably need to iron a little more. I have some serious wrinkles.

During this process, I cleaned out my closet and got rid of a few things that I don't wear. There is no point to having something in your closet that you won't wear because it doesn't fit, it doesn't look good, or it isn't comfortable. It's like beating yourself up every time you walk in your closet. Just get rid of it! I love that I can walk in my closet and know that everything in there looks [at least] decent on me, that it fits, and that I won't be itching to take it off in an hour. It makes getting dressed so much easier.

A few days into this, I actually started to find it really fun. I knew that I liked to put outfits together, but I never really thought about it before... I'd just walk in my closet and grab the first thing I saw, even if it was the same thing I wore the day before. By making myself wear different things I pulled out some of the lesser-used items and realized that I really liked them. I also have a lot of jewelry and I like trying to mix and match that everyday so that everything gets used. I started to look forward to getting dressed the next day just so I could think up a new outfit.

Anyways, like I said, there are waaaaaay more important things in the world than my closet, so I'll shut up. But really, if you feel like you're in a "dressing rut," give this a try. :) You might discover that you have more creativity and more clothes than you thought.

Day 14.

White tee- Down East

Yellow cardigan- Down East

Grey jeans- Walmart

White belt- New York and Co.

Yellow flats- Payless

Yellow flower ring- Target

Pearl studs- Target

Heartstrings necklace- Lisa Leonard

"Paris Love"

Apparently this aired during the Superbowl, but I just barely saw it. I cried. Maybe it's my love of Paris or the fact that I couldn't live without Google. Who knows? But I thought it was adorable.

Day 13.

Grey 3/4 t-shirt- Down East Outfitters

Pink zebra print cardigan- Down East Outfitters

Black capris- Target

Grey ruffle heels- Target

Pink flower petal necklace- Down East Outfitters

Pearl stud earrings- Target

Pearl and pink crystal bracelet- Sioux Design

Silver "daughter" cuff bracelet- from my mama :)

Day 12.

Grey flower tank- Target

Green cardigan- Walmart

Denim capri's- Target

Grey ruffle heels- Target

Pearl flower necklace- New York and Co.

Pearl ring- Blue Nile

I said I'd do this for two weeks. So once I get to Sunday, I promise I'll stop talking about ME, MYSELF, and I. :)

Day 11.

White tee- Target

Gray vest- New York and Co.

Black capris- Target

Houndstooth flats- Marshall's

Black necklace- Walmart

I'm sorta having fun with this whole experiment. I like that I make myself wear something different everyday rather than just putting the same shirt with the same pants and calling it good. I'm realizing that I actually have a lot of clothes. Well, not a lot of clothes, but a lot of ways to combine them to make lots of different outfits. I just have lots of "basics" but with some accessories and some creativity, I'm feeling like I have a very full wardrobe.

I cleaned out my closet today-- clothes, shoes, bags, jewelry, everything. I don't have a lot of stuff, but it always feels good to organize and "take stock." I had two pairs of red high heels but I only ever wear one, so I decided to get rid of the other one. I had a couple shirts and a skirt that were too big, so they're going, but other than that, I pretty much wear/use everything I own. I like that.

The only thing I wish I had that I don't is a white t-shirt [that I like]. The one I'm wearing above is a couple sizes too big and I don't like the neckline. I think it looks like one of Nate's undershirts. :) I need a cute one to go under other shirts or dresses. And I FOR SURE need a new bra. Too bad bra shopping is torture.

PS: If anyone wants a pair of red high heels, Anne Klein, size 9, let me know. :)

Day 10.

Blue t-shirt- Down East Outfitters

Black pants- New York and Co.

Black belt- Kohls

Black heeled sandals- Target

Flower pin- made by my friend Connie

Pearl stud earrings- Target

Blue cuff watch- Sioux Design

Blue and black bracelet- Sioux Design

Pearl ring- Blue Nile

And I dyed my hair [again]. It's all dark brown with a little red. I think I like it. I'm not sure yet. I'll probably end up highlighting it again soon. Why can't I ever make up my mind? :)

Days 8 & 9.

So, yesterday was Sunday. I wore the same dress I wore last Sunday. Creative, I know. And today is a t-shirt/sweat pants/hat day. So you get no picture. You're heartbroken, I know. Maybe tomorrow I'll get dressed... or maybe not.

Dads Matter.

I'm still a social scientist at heart. Just some information I find interesting...

There is a category in social science called ‘father absence.’ The absence of a father is known to researchers to be a significant factor in the success or failure of children.

The fact is, fathers make a huge and irreplaceable difference in the lives of their children in terms of education, income, abuse, mental and physical health, drug use, sexual activity, pregnancy and almost every other social indicator. Consider this...

Fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of school.

Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. National Center for Health Statistics. Survey on Child Health. Washington, D.C.: GPO, 1993.

Father involvement in schools is associated with the higher likelihood of a student getting mostly A's. This was true for fathers in biological parent families, for stepfathers, and for fathers heading single-parent families.

Source: Nord, Christine Winquist, and Jerry West. Fathers’ and Mothers’ Involvement in Their Children’s Schools by Family Type and Resident Status. (NCES 2001-032). Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Education, National Center for Education Statistics, 2001.

50.3 percent of all children with highly involved fathers in two-parent families reported getting mostly A’s through 12th grade, compared to 35.2 percent of children of nonresident father families.

Source: National Center for Education Statistics. The Condition of Education. NCES 1999022. Washington, DC: U.S. Dept. of Education, 1999: 76.

Children in father-absent homes are five times more likely to be poor.

In 2002, 7.8 percent of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 38.4 percent of children in female-householder families.

Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March 2002, P200-547, Table C8. Washington D.C.: GPO, 2003.

A child with a nonresident father is 54 percent more likely to be poorer than his or her father.

Source: Sorenson, Elaine and Chava Zibman. “Getting to Know Poor Fathers Who Do Not Pay Child Support.” Social Service Review 75 (September 2001): 420-434.

Infant mortality rates are 1.8 times higher for infants of unmarried mothers than for married mothers.

Source: Matthews, T.J., Sally C. Curtin, and Marian F. MacDorman. Infant Mortality Statistics from the 1998 Period Linked Birth/Infant Death Data Set. National Vital Statistics Reports, Vol. 48, No. 12. Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics, 2000.

A study of 3,400 middle schoolers indicated that not living with both biological parents quadruples (4X) the risk of having an affective disorder.

Source: Cuffe, Steven P., Robert E. McKeown, Cheryl L. Addy, and Carol Z. Garrison. “Family Psychosocial Risk Factors in a Longitudinal Epidemiological Study of Adolescents.” Journal of American Academic Child Adolescent Psychiatry 44 (February 2005): 121-129.

Even after controlling for income, youths in father-absent households still had significantly higher odds of incarceration than those in mother-father families.

Youths who never had a father in the household experienced the highest odds.

Source: Harper, Cynthia C. and Sara S. McLanahan. “Father Absence and Youth Incarceration.” Journal of Research on Adolescence 14 (September 2004): 369-397.

Adolescents, particularly boys, in single-parent families were at higher risk of status, property and person delinquencies. Moreover, students attending schools with a high proportion of children of single parents are also at risk.

Source: Anderson, Amy L. “Individual and contextual influences on delinquency: the role of the single-parent family.” Journal of Criminal Justice 30 (November 2002): 575-587.

Of the 228 students studied, those from single-parent families reported higher rates of drinking and smoking as well as higher scores on delinquency and aggression tests when compared to boys from two-parent households.

Source: Griffin, Kenneth W., Gilbert J. Botvin, Lawrence M. Scheier, Tracy Diaz and Nicole L. Miller. “Parenting Practices as Predictors of Substance Use, Delinquency, and Aggression Among Urban Minority Youth: Moderating Effects of Family Structure and Gender.” Psychology of Addictive Behaviors 14 (June 2000): 174-184.

Being raised by a single mother raises the risk of teen pregnancy, marrying with less than a high school degree, and forming a marriage where both partners have less than a high school degree.

Source: Teachman, Jay D. “The Childhood Living Arrangements of Children and the Characteristics of Their Marriages.” Journal of Family Issues 25 (January 2004): 86-111.

Researchers using a pool from both the U.S. and New Zealand found strong evidence that father absence has an effect on early sexual activity and teenage pregnancy. Teens without fathers were twice as likely to be involved in early sexual activity and seven times more likely to get pregnant as an adolescent.

Source: Ellis, Bruce J., John E. Bates, Kenneth A. Dodge, David M. Ferguson, L. John Horwood, Gregory S. Pettit, and Lianne Woodward. “Does Father Absence Place Daughters at Special Risk for Early Sexual Activity and Teenage Pregnancy.” Child Development 74 (May/June 2003): 801-821.

An analysis of child abuse cases in a nationally representative sample of 42 counties found that children from single-parent families are more likely to be victims of physical and sexual abuse than children who live with both biological parents.

Compared to their peers living with both parents, children in single parent homes had:
- a 77 percent greater risk of being physically abused
- an 87 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical neglect
- a 165 percent greater risk of experiencing notable physical neglect
- a 74 percent greater risk of suffering from emotional neglect
- an 80 percent greater risk of suffering serious injury as a result of abuse
- overall, a 120 percent greater risk of being endangered by some type of child abuse.

Interesting facts. Some scholars believe that absent or inadequate fathering is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation. Dads matter.

"Fathers, yours is an eternal calling from which you are never released. A father's calling is eternal and its importance transcends time. Being a husband and father are the preeminent responsibilities priesthood holders have."
-Ezra Taft Benson

"The most important of the Lord's work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes."
-Harold B. Lee

"No success can compensate for failure in the home."
-David O. McKay

Today, on Father's Day, let me say thank you to my dad and my husband who have done it all right. Thank you. Thank you for being there for me and for loving me. I love you. Happy Father's Day.

Day 7.

Gray dress- Down East Outfitters

Yellow striped flats- Payless Shoes

Yellow flower ring- Target

Silver cuff watch- Sioux Design

Silver bangles- by Swarovski, Nate bought em for me on our honeymoon

Pearl hoop earrings- Target

Baptism.

Sonnet's cute cousin Brenden got baptised today. The water was apparently freezing, but Brenden was really happy and it was nice to be there to support him. He looked so handsome in his suit! He totally reminds me of what Nate must have looked like when he was a kid and it's special to watch Brenden grow up. Anyways, congratulations B!

Sonnet had to get in on the action...

Sonnet with Ally and Jenna. Aren't they just gorg?

Desiderata.

I memorized this poem when I was about 14 because I really, really liked what it said. Even now, there are times when a line or two will pop into my head and hit me the same way it did when I first read it. I felt like sharing it today...

Day 6.

Yellow ruffle shirt- TJ Maxx

Black skirt- Target

Wide black belt- Kohls

Black sandals- Target

Huge pearl hoop earrings- Target

Black bracelet- Sioux Design

Huge flower ring- New York and Co.

Camp Out.

A few pictures from Nate's camping trip with his brothers last weekend. They went to Cedar mountain, and apart from it being freezing, they had a great time. :) They rode their motorcycles and 4-wheelers, ate some good food, built campfires, hiked, visited Mammoth Cave, and picked porcupine quills out of Blaze's nose. :) Sounds like fun! I'm glad Nate gets to spend time with his brothers. They're all very different, but they're all nice guys and I know Nate enjoys being around them. Especially when he's on top of a mountain... :)

Wishing.

Why do you live where you live? Probably because of school or a job or because you grew up there or your family lives there.

Do you like where you live? Did you end up where you thought you would? Do you think you'll stay there forever or that you'll move again?

Where would you live if you could live anywhere?

Nate and I both grew up in Las Vegas. I had great friends and lived in a beautiful neighborhood and went to a school where I felt safe. My dad had a good job and my grandparents lived nearby. It was wonderful.

But I always wanted to get out of Vegas. I never, ever thought I would stay here.

Nate never wanted to stay here either. When we first got married, we discussed other places that we thought we would want to live. Both of us seemed drawn North--- Utah, Idaho, Washington, Montana, or even Arizona.

I've traveled a lot. I've seen a lot of gorgeous places...places that speak to me. Places that make me happy and calm and excited all at the same time. Vegas is not one of those places.

Some people love the heat. Some people crave sunshine. Some people love the dry climate and the lack of snow and the city lights. I am not one of those people.

I have always been turned on by green landscapes and pine trees and overcast skies.

I lived in Provo for 4 years and I relished the winters. I LOVED to put on a coat and scarf and walk to school in the snow. I LOVED it. I also loved the rain storms that seemed to hit at the end of every summer. I loved the big thunderheads that would roll in and that I'd come home from campus soaked because I "forgot" my umbrella.

I've visited Alaska several times and every time I go, I just feel like I belong. That country is so indescribable. If I designed a world, it would look like Alaska. I don't even know how to expound. It is just gorgeous.

I've also been to Seattle several times. Nate and I went on our honeymoon there and we spent days wandering around wishing that we were locals. When I was younger, I used to fantasize about living there and driving a green Range Rover and buying fresh flowers and fish at the market every week. I know it's just like any other city and if I lived there I wouldn't get to hang out on the ferry or eat seafood every day and I'm sure all my dreams wouldn't come true. It's just a place with an exceptional number of Starbucks locations. But sometimes I feel like I'd come closer to living the life I want to live if I lived in a place like that.

...Somewhere near the water...somewhere where the skies are mostly cloudy...somewhere with humidity...somewhere with mountains and pine trees and rivers...a place where you look out the window or drive down the road and see color...and nature.

I wouldn't say I'm a small town person. I gotta have a Walmart and a Target and good pizza joint, but Vegas is just too big for me. I'm not necessarily looking to get out of the city...I just wish I didn't live in this city.

To be fair, I like it here because I know where everything is and because we've got family here. But maybe because I know so much about it, I know that it is not a place where I want to raise my kids or spend the rest of my life.

And I hate what I see when I walk out the door. I hate the endless flat, brown desert. I hate the dust and the wind and the incessant heat. I hate that nothing grows here. I just find very little beauty here. And I'm a very visual person.

I think that's why I spend so much time making the inside of my house look cute. I need to be surrounded by things I love. I need to feel pleased and happy when I open my eyes in the morning. If I lived in a cabin in Juneau, I would have nothing in my house but a bed and microwave because I would spend my days on the front porch. That view would be enough. But here, there's not much serenity or safety outside, so I work hard to create it inside.

Being in Beaver this past weekend really made me realize how much I wish I didn't live in Vegas. Not that I want to move to Beaver-- no Walmart, haha :)-- but coming back to the desert...and the traffic and the smog and the heat and the politics and the grafitti just sorta breaks my heart. I just thought I would get out. I thought I would build a home and a life somewhere else.

Laying in a hammock in my parents backyard in Beaver, I looked out over that green valley and watched snow fall on the mountains (yes, snow in June) and wished that I could walk out my door and see a view like that everyday. I think I would feel more "me" in a place like that.

I've always been a baseball hat-wearing, Jeep-driving, pocket knife-carrying, ranch girl at heart and I don't feel like I fit in here.


I know I'm being depressing. And who knows what our future holds. For now we're here because Nate's job is here. He loves being a firefighter and the CCFD is a great department. It takes a looooong time to get a job as a firefighter and we're certainly not going to give it up. I've just been fantasizing about transferring to Seattle or Bozeman or Anchorage or Flagstaff. :) This has really been on my mind lately and I had to vent.

How many people get to live where they want to live, not where they have to live?

Where would you live if you could live anywhere?

Day 5.

I'm feeling lazy and sore today. And I have a monster headache. I almost didn't get dressed today. But after a loooong hot shower, I decided to throw on something and go out to run errands. Good thing I at least got out of my jammies because I ran into two people that I haven't seen in forever. That always happens when I look horrid. Not that anyone cares, but I didn't feel like I had to run down the other aisle and hide today...I at least looked decent enough to say hi. So maybe this experiment is working. haha. :)

Sequin flower tee- New York and Co.

Black pants- New York and Co.

Black wedge sandals- Target

Silver necklace- Target

Random.

I used to keep a journal. I didn't write in it everyday, but I did update it on a pretty regular basis. I mostly just wrote random little snippets (like the following) or ranted about things that were bugging me. I know that's depressing, but I really like my journals. I enjoy going back and reading them. I think I'm entertaining. I don't keep a journal anymore because I blog. But I don't print my blog posts and put them in a binder like I used to when I kept a journal, so technically, I don't journal. But I think I should. So, I'm going to write more crap on this blog. And then print it. Or make one of those blog book things. I know you're all so excited...

Currently Sonnet is hiding in her room crying because she doesn't want to take a shower. She does that every night. She's like the little boy on Life is Beautiful. His refusal to take a shower saved his life. Sonnet's not that lucky. I usually win the argument. But tonight I feel bad because she's sick. She just has a cold, but the poor little thing is covered in snot and tears and her voice is all scratchy. It's enough to break your heart. But I still say she needs a shower.


I went to yoga and then I came home and watched a movie with Nate (which means I also sat on the couch and ate some chocolate). I think that's counter-productive. But my new yoga teacher (the old one went out on maternity leave) has the most soothing voice ever. He was made to teach yoga. And my butt will be sore tomorrow.


I really like John Travolta's acting. I think his character in Phenomenon is so sweet and wonderful. I also really like Nicholas Cage. I think he acts like he's high all the time or something. But I really like it. I also love Tommy Lee Jones, Cary Grant, Jim Caviziel. Richard Gere, and Robin Williams.

The End.

Day 4.

Dress- Kohls

Wide black belt- Kohls

Black heeled sandals- Target

Pink flower ring- bought it on Catalina a thousand years ago

Black and crystal bracelet (with a button from Nate's dress uniform as the toggle!)- made by my friend Sue of Sioux Design

Heartstrings necklace- Lisa Leonard

Excuse my whiteness. I don't believe in tanning.

Beaver.

Last weekend Nate went on his annual Spears Brothers Campout so Sonnet and I headed up to Beaver. I was aching to get out of this heat anyways and Sonnet always has a ball in Beaver. We met my mama in St. George for some shopping. I finally made it over to the new Down East Outfitters store and I could have gone nuts buying clothes. I restrained myself and ended up with a couple dresses and a couple t-shirts, but I swear there were tons of cute things.

My mom and I went to see Letters to Juliet at the cute little Beaver theater. I loved the movie! It was clean and cute and so romantic. Loved it!

Sonnet got to fly kites, ride on the 4-wheeler, see the horses and cows, visit the ski lodge, make cookies, chase Blaze and Biscuit around, pick strawberries out of the garden, watch Toy Story, build a campfire and roast marshmellows... she was a busy little thing and she had fun!

We also took a random "field trip" to the Fremont Indian Museum over on I-70. Sonnet got to crawl in an Indian house and grind up corn and she got especially freaked out over a fox fur that they had in one of the displays. haha. :)

My wish for cooler weather was granted. It was freezing up there all weekend! I was cold, but I love to be cold. Yes, I love to be cold. Love it! I laid in the hammock with a blanket and had Sonnet left me alone for two minutes, I could have just laid there all weekend. I finished a book, bought a cute hat at a little craft fair some friends were having, typed up a list of names and addresses for Hayden's wedding, and covered my mom's huge corkboard and her dining room chairs in red toile fabric. Cute!

Nate and his brothers got snowed on, but they had a great time camping. He came up and spent Sunday and Monday with us in Beaver.