Strike Three.

Well, we didn't get the house. (Beat by a full price cash offer). Someone bring me some chocolate. Moving was a bad idea. Waaaaaaaa.

Dam.

We went to walk across the bridge at Hoover Dam today. I've driven over it, but never walked on it and looked over. I have quite an issue with heights, so I thought it would freak me out, but I was also kinda morbidly curious. Turns out, it was very freaky. My heart still pounds just thinking back on it. It's just so easy to fall! One little hop over those dumb little bars and you're a goner. Is that not weird? It's weird. But, the bridge is pretty cool.

 

 

 

 

House Hunt Update.

We made an offer on another house today. This is the third one we've offered on.

The first one was the one in my "dream neighborhood." It was a short sale. There were 8 other offers on the property besides ours that came in within the first three days. They were all presented to the owners at once and ours was not chosen. We offered 15,000 over list price and supposedly we were only the third best offer. The listing agent would give no details, they were doing no showings, and they had no interest in allowing us to try to beat the highest offer, so that deal was pretty much over before it started. (I kind of think that it was an inside job--- meaning that the owners already had a buyer lined up and just had to go through the motions of listing the property on the MLS and entertaining offers to appease the bank). I was sad about it... it would have been amazing to get that house, but I knew from the outset that it was kind of a longshot that we would ever get something in that neighborhood within our budget, so I wasn't devastated.

Plus, I had this other house in the back of my mind that was one of the first houses we toured months ago. I've always liked it. I've always felt good about it. I was hesitant to put an offer on it right away because it wasn't exactly in the area I was hoping to buy in and we just thought we'd give it a little time and see if something else came up, but when that didn't work out, we gave serious thought and prayer to this house and decided to go after it. It had been sitting on the market for 8 months, with no serious offers. The list price was kind of high, so we were hoping to do some negotiating with the sellers, but we felt confident that we could eventually agree on a price and get the deal done. We put in our first offer and were waiting on a counter. The counter arrived in our inbox and within minutes, the listing agent called to say that it was now void. They had just received a full price offer and accepted it. End of story. I was really sad about that one. For 8 months that property sat there. For three months, I talked about it, thought about it, decorated it in my mind... and then when I finally decided I really wanted it, I was just hours too late. I don't know if that was some major form of Divine Intervention, or if I just have really crappy luck, or if that's just life, but it seriously depressed me.

It's now the middle of January. When we started this whole moving process back in August, we said that we wanted to be under contract on a new house by mid January at the latest. Assuming it takes 30-90 days to close, and then we spend another 30 days "upgrading" the house before we move in, that would put us in our new place sometime in April. That just felt like a great plan. And the thought of spending any more time than that in our rental makes me want to cry.

But after we didn't get that last house, I felt stressed because other than that one, there was nothing currently listed on the market that I felt serious enough about to make an offer on. Nothing. I have examined every house within my search parameters (which are wide) that has come on the MLS since October... there have been hundreds of them. But I've only really wanted 2 of them. That's not great odds.

But if I'm going to spend an awful lot of money and several years of my life in this place, I'm not just going to buy anything. It has to meet certain requirements. At the top of that list is location, price, and size. Trying to get all of those to intersect at an acceptable point seems to be near impossible. For instance, I've found lots of amazing houses in Anthem, but I don't want to live in Anthem. One of our main reasons for selling our last house was to move closer to our families and Sonnet's school. Being way back in Anthem somewhere is comparable to being in Mountain's Edge again. So, we're pretty set on being in Green Valley or Henderson. Also, I feel like the market is a wee bit inflated. It kind of amazes me what people will pay for certain properties. I am not willing overspend. I am not willing to stretch my budget. I am not willing to get in over my head on a house, no matter what the comps say. I know what things are worth to me and while I do understand the market and I can be reasonable, I am also going to stick to my guns. So... I guess I'm being picky. I don't expect a "perfect" house (I don't have the budget for a "dream home"), but I won't settle either.

So, that left me waiting for something new to come online. After the experiences I've had so far, I was worried that when something did become available that fit my criteria, that was priced right, and that was good enough that I wanted it, that 10 other people would want it too and we'd lose out like we did the last two times. (I know, I'm so optimistic. Haha).

My realtor knew I was feeling frustrated so he called and gave me a pep talk, which is so unlike him and his personality (I hired the guy for his brains, not his warm fuzzies) that it actually did make me feel better. He said: "I've been through this before with other clients. They say that they're never going to find a house and those are the famous last words because then they do." I said: "Alright, then I'll say them: 'We're never going to find a house!' Now, I expect the universe to prove me wrong."

The next day a new short sale came on the market. It's on a street that I know I like. It's a great size for us. It's got some nice upgrades. It's nice enough that I can move in and feel good, yet it's also got some "projects" to keep us busy. It's in my budget. It even has double ovens and seeing as how the only thing I do in my kitchen is bake desserts, I think I could love that. :) I knew I liked it before I even toured it. After I toured it, I told my realtor: "I want this house." Like, I reeeeeeeally want it.

So, we made an offer immediately (as in we just drove two streets over to my sister-in-law's house and borrowed her computer so I could sign the paperwork right away because my realtor's office is across town and I wasn't taking any chances). I told my realtor to fight hard for this one and I trust him to represent me in the best way possible. So, now we pray and wait to hear back. I'm sure there will be lots of competition on this one too. I am worried about it. It may not work out and I understand that. So, I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

But, just maybe, the third time IS the charm...

Just Some Thoughts...

Today was a good day. This whole week I’ve felt good, actually. But today I really stopped and thought about it. I was driving home and I thought: Today I felt happy. I was patient and I enjoyed my kids. I felt competent and confident. I could think and speak clearly. I got things accomplished, but I also worked at my own pace and made time for exercise, quiet time, and lots of kissing and tickling of babies. I ate pretty well, I smiled, I felt like I could handle whatever I needed to handle. I spent time with a friend, I responded to texts, I had enough energy to function the way I wanted, and while nothing amazing happened, it was just a good day. I felt like Holly. I felt “normal.”

And then I thought: Why can’t I just feel like this all the time? I could be so much more effective in my life, I could be so much more successful and pleasant if I could just be “me” all the time. Instead, I tend to feel good for a week or so, and then I dip down a little. And then maybe it comes back. And then I really go down the rabbit hole and I’m just not me and no matter how hard I struggle or try to ignore it or try to act a certain way, I’m just not really where I want to be. And it frustrates me and I feel guilty because I’m not “good enough” and I feel like I waste days of my life. But then eventually, the tide turns again and I get back to where I am right now. The good place. :)

I know “ups and downs” are normal in life, but I hate that I feel like I regularly have to battle with myself just to be myself. I just want to be me all the time. The good Holly. The real Holly. If that were my baseline, and I could work on improving from there, I think I could live such a better life. But it’s hard to maintain that status quo. I don’t think I’m alone in this and I don’t really know what the answer is. I just know that it’s a reality I am dealing with right now. I try to be gentle with myself when I'm not feeling "normal" because berating myself does not help. And I try to really enjoy the times when I do feel "whole" because they are a blessing. So, I'm grateful today was a good day.

A Day in This Life.

My friend occasionally writes these “a day in my life” posts on her blog where she outlines what a typical day looks like for her. She’s a stay-at-home mom like me, so I always find it super fascinating to read them and get a glimpse into someone else’s routine. I wrote a similar post a while back (Stetson was still a newborn!) and I decided to do it again today. (Sonnet doesn’t have school on Mondays, so I had both kids home today, which is the way I prefer it, actually. Our routine is obviously a bit different on school days).  

This morning I woke up at 5:30am when I heard Stetson crying. He sleeps pretty well, but most nights he still wakes up once. Usually, I take him a drink, rub his little head, cover him back up, and he goes back to sleep for another couple hours. But he’s been kind of sick over the last week (some coughing, some fever… I’m not really sure what’s up with him, actually), so this little bit of soothing didn’t work like it usually does. He started coughing a lot and since both of my children have insane gag reflexes, I think he gagged himself on his flem and he barfed all over his pillow. Then he really started crying because it got on his beloved stuffed Elmo AND it was on his hands (and this kid is as freaky as I am about dirty hands). Poor guy.

I got him out of bed, wiped him down, changed his clothes, and set him in the rocking chair. I took the sheets out of his crib, his blankets, his Elmo, and his dirty clothes and threw them in the washer. He walked in just in time to see Elmo start spinning around in the suds and that did not go over well. He unleashed another round of hysterics, so I found Backup Elmo (we have three little stuffed ones just in case) and took him into my room. Nate was up and about to leave for work, so he kissed us, closed the door, and then I turned all the lights off and snuggled Stetson in my bed. He really wanted to get up and play, but it was still dark and he kept yawning… and (thankfully!) eventually he went back to sleep.

Next thing I knew, it was 8am (no school means no alarm! yay!) and the dog was growling at the garbage truck outside and Sonnet was sticking her head into my room wondering where everyone was. We got up and made breakfast (cereal and bananas for the kids; hard-boiled eggs and green tea for me). I cleaned up the kitchen, moved the stuff from the washer to the dryer (and started the next of a million loads of laundry), then we sat on the couch with blankets and read some books.

Finally at 10am I figured I should get up, so I turned on a 30 minute show for the kids and I did some yoga and some weight lifting. I decided I was too lazy to do aerobics and even too lazy to shower, so I washed my face, brushed my teeth, put on some clothes and makeup, tied a scarf in my hair and called it good. I got the kids dressed and then we took the dog for a long walk. We got home and I sat in the sun on the driveway while the kids chased balls and butterflies up and down our street.

We went inside and I helped Sonnet finish up her homework packet to turn in at school the next day. Stetson tried to “help” (which means he kept climbing on the table, tried to draw on her papers, repeated every spelling word in his adorable little voice) and then finally gave up and ended up playing with his cars on the floor next to us.

We had some lunch (chicken nuggets, applesauce, and cheese for the kids; turkey sandwich, snap peas, and crystal light for me) and then Sonnet’s friend came over to play. The girls went in Sonnet’s room and happily entertained themselves with dress-up and dolls and stuffed animals and art projects while Stetson and I played in the front room with blocks and puzzles. Then he helped me with some laundry. (He looooves to pull things out of the dryer, move stuff from the washer to the dryer, push the start buttons, and push the baskets of clean clothes to the rooms they belong in). Together we put his sheets back on his bed and got all the clean clothes put away.

Finally, he got sleepy, so I rocked him and put him down for a nap. I got on the computer and read some emails, checked Facebook, paid some bills, and booked a hotel room in St. George for the Parade of Homes next month (we have a tradition of going every year just for fun and I am quite looking forward to it.)

I checked on the girls and got them a snack (rice krispie treats and chocolate milk). I cleaned out the fridge, freezer, and pantry and made a list of stuff I needed to pick up at the grocery store. Then we made chocolate chip cookies! We ate, I cleaned up my mess, the girls played in the play kitchen, and then Sonnet’s friend’s mom came to pick her up. We chatted for a bit, they left, Stetson got up, I gave him a little snack (goldfish and juice (he didn’t want a cookie, silly boy)), and then we hopped in the car.

We went to the gas station and then ran my car through the carwash. (There are few things I love more than a clean, tanked-up car).

We hit the grocery store and Stetson threw stuff in the cart for me and Sonnet begged to buy a balloon (she wants one every time we go) and the whole trip was relatively painless.

We came home, unloaded the groceries, and the kids played hide and seek while I put the food away, washed the produce, and made dinner (fruit salad, yogurt, and warm French bread with butter for the kids; leftover chicken noodle soup and French bread for me).

I reviewed all of Sonnet’s spelling words and phonograms with her and we practiced the poem she was to memorize for recitation this week. Then the kids got in the shower and everyone got their jammies on. We read books together and then we Face-timed Dad at work. The kids had a dish of ice cream while I put the clean dishes away, put the dirty ones in the dishwasher, and closed down the kitchen.

We took the dog out for a (very) quick stroll. We read a bible story, sang songs, had a prayer, brushed teeth, and then Sonnet got tucked in. Stetson said he wasn’t sleepy (he’ll be honest if you ask him… and if he says he’s not sleepy, there’s no point in putting him to bed) so he sat on the chair in my room and played a bowling game on my phone while I put clean sheets on my bed and washed my face and brushed my teeth. (The kid is obsessed with bowling!) Finally he said he wanted his “blanky and a night night” so I rocked him and put him to bed.

Alone at last! I got in my bed with my computer and wrote this post. I answered some emails. I decided I needed a scoop of ice cream. I checked on the kids, read a chapter of my book, said my prayers, and hit the hay.

Most of my days look like this. The chores and errands and times may differ, but I’m always just spending time with my kids, keeping my house in order, and trying to keep myself from going batty. Being a stay-at-home mom can be hard because most of what we do feels like minutia. No one really sees it, no one checks your work, no one hands you a paycheck or a promotion… you do the same small things over and over and over and over…

But I've always felt that there is something noble about it.

When I look back over my day, I’m glad that I was the one here doing those things and taking care of my kids. I’m glad I have kids. I’m thankful I get to raise them and hold them and teach them and play with them. I’m thankful that I have food to feed them and beds to tuck them into. I’m thankful that I get to wash their little hands and hear them laugh. I was busy all day, and I’ll do the same things again tomorrow, but it is good to know that if Stetson isn't feeling so hot, I can be there for him. With my help, Sonnet is ready for her school week, we have clean sheets on our beds, Nate has clean uniforms in the closet, we have fresh food in the fridge, and we had a fun, safe, “normal” day… together.

The day started with barf, but it ended with me kissing my Sonnet’s cute little face as she went to bed with all 800 of her stuffed animals and me holding 30 pounds of a warm, sleeping Stetson (and his Elmo) in my arms in a dark, quiet room and me saying a prayer of gratitude that this life is my life... because even though I have my bad days, most days are just like this... and they'll add up to a good, good life.

New Year Thoughts.

Well, it’s 2014.

A couple weeks ago, I asked Nate what his goals are for the New Year. He named a few good things and we had a nice little discussion. Then he asked me what my goals are. I had no answers.

Really, the last half of 2013 kind of stunk for me. Nothing bad happened. And I know I should be grateful for the lack of bad, but instead, I get frustrated by the fact that things haven’t been working out the way I expected. I’m just not optimistic by nature and I can admit that I have very poor coping skills.

For a few months, I have just really been in a funk. A grouchy, sad, tired, angry, directionless funk. Yes, some (ok, a lot) of it probably has to do with all the housing-related changes we’ve made and the uncertainty and feelings of being unsettled that go along with that. I am very impacted by my surroundings and that’s just a fact about me.  But it’s not an excuse.  I’ve just been off.

I’ve felt lonely for the first time in like, ever. I get easily overwhelmed by two kids talking to me, asking me questions, requiring my attention, and pulling me in two different directions all day long. (I know, two kids is nothing to most people, but I’m not joking when I say that I do not multi-task. My brain just fractures and I feel like I only do everything half as well as I want and then I don’t even remember it afterwards. I get over-stimulated easier than a newborn baby). I feel like I go, go, go all the time, but I never actually accomplish anything. I don’t sleep well. I haven’t made time for the things I do enjoy doing like reading, yoga, writing, and decorating. Nate and I hardly ever spend time alone together because he’s been super busy, we’re weird about leaving our kids with sitters, and by the time they go to bed, we just want to do the same. Also, I haven’t been a very patient mother lately. I feel more like a referee than anything. I’m trying hard, but I’m not even maintaining status quo.

So, I feel like there are about a million things I should be doing that I’m not doing, and the things I am doing I could probably be doing better. This means that I could probably come up with a million goals for the New Year because I have a lot of room for improvement. But I can’t start the New Year focused on the negativity. And I can’t make up a laundry list of specific goals and expect myself to be successful at all of them. I need to be realistic and figure out what the main focus of my energies should be.

I read this article about why it’s better to focus on the “process” or system you use to get to a goal, rather than the specific goal itself. I’ve always believed that to be true… if you want to make real changes, you have to change your lifestyle and work on adopting new behaviors that will last... and then chances are you will naturally achieve your intended outcome.

Also, I read this quote from Dieter F. Uchtdorf: “Another thing we need to remember when it comes to setting goals is this: We almost certainly will fail—at least in the short term. But rather than be discouraged, we can be empowered because this understanding removes the pressure of being perfect right now. It acknowledges from the beginning that at one time or another, we may fall short. Knowing this up front takes away much of the surprise and discouragement of failure. When we approach our goals this way, failure doesn’t have to limit us. Remember, even if we fail to reach our ultimate, desired destination right away, we will have made progress along the road that will lead to it. And that matters—it means a lot. Even though we might fall short of our finish line, just continuing the journey will make us greater than we were before.”

I like the part about focusing on the journey rather than the finish line.

So, I've decided not to set official “goals” but to focus more on the type of person I want to be and the type of life I want to have and then just try to act in accordance with that. Every year for the past few years, I’ve chosen “One Little Word” to be my theme for the year. I tried to do that this year, but too many words kept coming to mind and I couldn’t narrow it down.

The things that came to mind are the same things that seem to come to mind every New Year when I go through this self-evaluation. I started to wonder why that is…. do I keep coming back to the same themes because I keep failing to achieve them? But as I look back, I don’t think that’s the case.  I have been making progress. I just think that those things don’t come as naturally to me as other things do, but they are important to me, so I have to continually work at them.

I don’t have to remind myself to have higher standards, to be more direct, more serious, more conscientious, more of a planner, more organized, more of a listener, more of a reader and thinker, more educated, more opinionated, more self-assured, more logical, more responsible, more self-contained, more honest (have you read this blog?), or a more involved parent.

I do have to remember to calm down, slow down, breathe deep, focus on the present, enjoy the moment, express my thoughts out loud, smile, be affectionate, be sympathetic, laugh, be spontaneous, serve others, be tolerant, be patient, be flexible, and to have hope.

So, that’s what I’m going for in 2014… a softer, sweeter, warmer, lighter, more patient, loving, calm, hopeful, friendly Holly. Do I think I will suddenly transform from Dagny Taggart into Pollyanna? No. But I can try. I can keep all of that as my focus for the year. Every time I feel myself slipping into my turtle shell, I can try to let the light in a little, to peak my head out more often and engage the world around me. I can try to roll with the punches a little more and not lose it when my world isn't just the way I want it. I can stop and look around more often and be grateful for the good things. I can breathe deep and soak up the happy little moments that come along more than I think they do. I can look for the positive. And somewhere along the journey, I might just leave this funk behind and become a better person. All those good things might start to come more naturally to me and I might grow, mature, adapt, and improve. And that’s what it’s all about, right?