2 Weeks.

I can't figure out where the last two weeks have gone. I'm so depressed that my baby is already 2 weeks old! Whaaaaa! :) He's so cute and so sweet. I'm so exhausted and my husband is probably sick of hearing me whine about being tired and I totally feel like Sonnet is getting neglected and I feel guilty about that and I wonder how I'm ever going to survive going out in public by myself with two kids and I'm annoyed that the world didn't stop just because I had a baby...but...I love my kiddies and I'm so thankful they're mine and I'm trying really hard to not freak out and just enjoy the good moments... I know, such is the life of a mother.


My little guy has been eating like a champ. He weighs 7 pounds now and he's almost 21 inches. He still sleeps all day long and likes to play at night. Today he got circumcised and we finally heard him cry. It's so sad I could die. We had his pictures taken yesterday and I can't wait to see how they turned out. He makes crazy faces when he stretches and it is my favorite!!! I swear I could just kiss that little bald head for hours. :)

Brothers and Sisters.

My brother Hayden and his wife came to visit this weekend and meet Stetson. I love and adore my brother so much and I'm glad they made the trip. Hayden and I are five years apart, just like Sonnet and Stetson. Hayden got to hold Stetson and Sonnet got to play with Hayden and I got to kiss Hayden's handsome face... and my mom cooked us lots of good food. :) It was a good weekend. :)


Sonnet is adjusting well to having Stetson around. Obviously, it's wonderful that she is so old and independent. She can do so many things for herself and she doesn't need me looking after her every second, so it gives me more time to devote to Stetson. (Yes, I planned this. I don't know how you other people do it.) She gets a little annoyed when Nate is holding the baby because she is a total Daddy's girl, but she's been really good at sharing the attention so far. :) She tries to be so helpful... she wants to hold him, she wants to burp him, she wants to shake the bottle, she wants to change his diaper. Really, it's annoying, but it's so darn cute too. She's such a good big sister.

Today, I set Stetson in his swing in the family room (which is big for me because I literally never set my babies down- haha) while Nate and I were in the kitchen making breakfast. Stetson started to fuss a little (ok, the kid really doesn't know how to fuss... he was just sort of grunting) and Sonnet went and sat in front of him and said "It's ok, Brother" and started singing primary songs to him. He especially seemed to like her version of "Popcorn Popping." I swear, my heart melted. And then there's this...

I know Sonnet and Stetson are going to love each other and be as close as Hayden and I are. I'm so thankful they have each other.

Feed the Birds.

Sonnet loves to go to the lake to feed the ducks... and seagulls... and fish. She has a ball throwing popcorn to all the critters and getting them to follow her. This time she even had the birds eating out of her hand. :)

One Week.

Stetson is one week old today. One whole week! And he is an angel.

He sleeps and sleeps, wakes up, grunts a little, eats like he's starved, poops, stares at me, and then goes back to sleep.

Like most babies, he's got his days and nights mixed up and he's much more alert at night than he is in the day, but he's so dang cute, I don't really care. OK, I care because I'm exhausted (exhausted!), but really, being up with him alone in the dark of the night, just snuggling together, totally makes me fall in love with him even more. It's good bonding time.

He's got such a calm personality. He squawks a lot when you change his diaper, but other than that he doesn't make a peep.

I get the sense from him that he is very much like his dad... easy-going and positive, just happy to be alive... and maybe a little bit funny.

He's got the cutest, wrinkly little body! He looks like a turtle without a shell. I could just kiss those hands and feet and cheeks all day long. Oh wait, that's exactly what I do.

Sonnet calls him "Brother." We call him "Baby Blue" in honor of Sonnet wanting us to name him Sunny Blue. And so far, he's got blue eyes, but I'm not counting on those staying. (Sonnet had blue eyes until she was 3 and now they are most definitely green).

It has been a good week. We are so in love.

Roses.

Nate bought me roses for Valentine's. I told him when we got married that I want flowers on Valentine's Day. I don't care if it's predictable. I don't care if they cost twice as much on February 14th as they do on every other day of the year. I love flowers and I love Valentine's Day and as long as he just brings me a bouquet of something-- and hugs and kisses me-- then his job is done. (But because he is extra smart, he usually throws in chocolate too.)

This year, he bought me red roses. I love them. I love having fresh flowers in my house. I love the way they smell. Every time I walk by them, I have to stop and give them a little sniff.

When I had Sonnet, my mom told me to just enjoy every minute with my baby and not worry about anything else. Babies change and grow so fast and nothing else matters as much as them. It was the best advice I've ever got because my Sonnet did grow up so fast and I am happy that I did my best to be present for all of it. In a way, my mom telling me that was like giving me "permission" to ignore the laundry and the dishes and the phone and just spend all my time holding and kissing my baby, which is exactly what I did. And now, I look back on the first few months of Sonnet's life and I don't think about how dirty the house probably was. I think about how much I snuggled with her and that makes me happy. I don't feel like I missed anything.

So, when my friends had babies, I gave them the same advice. Don't worry about anything else... don't worry about anything anyone else has to say... just spend all the time you can with your baby and enjoy every second because it goes so fast.

I've given some thought to that statement over the last few days and I realize that what I'm trying to say is not necessarily "enjoy every minute." Because let's be honest, motherhood is hard and only a masochist would enjoy every single minute of it. I mean, I hate changing diapers. I hate it. I hate getting woken up in the middle of the night. I hate it. I hate doing piles of laundry and cleaning the house just to have the clothes and house get all dirty again the next day. Those moments I do not enjoy.

What I'm really trying to say is "stop and smell the roses." It's so easy to get caught up in the diapers and the dishes and the sleep-deprivation that the good stuff can go unappreciated. But there are so many good moments that come throughout the day. I try really hard to be present for those... to take a step back and just savor the special times... suck every ounce of love and gratitude and happiness out of them before I go back to the bustle of life. Those are the moments that make it all worthwhile.

Like when Stetson giggles in his sleep. I love that! Or how he reaches up with his arms and touches my neck when I'm burping him. I love that! Or the way he throws his head back and his face gets all wrinkly when he stretches. I love that! Or the way he gets mad when he gets the hiccups. I love that too. Or when Sonnet walks up to him and says "Hi Brother" like it's the most natural thing in the world. I love that! Or when she volunteers to get a diaper or asks to hold the baby. I love it all.

Even though my gorgeous red Valentine's roses will die, my kids will still be around to beautify my life. They'll keep me on my toes and not every moment will be bliss, but I will try to remember to let the other stuff go and to spend as much time loving them as possible. I'll try to be patient. I'll try to be present. I'll try to be grateful. I will recognize and enjoy all the good moments that come my way. Even through the stink of the dirty diapers, I will still stop and give my roses a sniff every chance I get.


It's the little things.

Lovefest 2012.

Happy Valentine's Day! I am definitely feeling the love around here.

I've got this perfect little bundle of sweetness to hold and kiss all day long. Seriously, he is an angel.



I've got this spunky green-eyed girl skipping around the house, making us all laugh and totally loving her role as big sister. Seriously, she makes me melt.



I've got this husband who takes care of all of us and makes us feel loved every day. He's handsome and funny and kind and he's changed waaaay more diapers than me so far. Plus, he bought me flowers. Seriously, he puts all other husbands to shame.

I love my three Valentine's and I am so grateful they are mine!

The Birth Story.

(For those of you into the nitty gritty details, read on...)

So, technically I wasn't due with Stetson until February 14th. But we all know I was hoping he would come a bit early. Around 38 weeks, I could tell that the baby had really dropped and that something was going on "down below,' but I tried not to get my hopes up.

Well, we know that didn't go well. I went to the doctor that week and she told me I was dilated to a 5, so I started thinking that it was just a matter of time before the baby made his debut. Silly me. Of course, that led to me going stir crazy waiting for something to happen.

At 39 weeks, I went to the doctor and was prepared to beg her to at least strip my membranes to hopefully get things rolling along. She had told me before that she didn't want to induce me until my actual due date, but I figured a little nudge in the right direction wouldn't hurt anything.

I'd been having contractions here and there, but they were very low and mostly in my back. They didn't hurt all that much and they weren't regular. When I had Sonnet, I dilated to a 4 on my own and then my water broke at 38.5 weeks, but I never had a contraction until they put me on Pitocin at the hospital. Of course, Pitocin contractions are crazy strong and fast and they are all I've ever experienced, so I kept waiting for the contractions I was having at home to build up into something like that.

When I went to my doctor's appointment at 39 weeks, all the nurses were joking with me... "What are you gonna be dilated to today? 7? 8?" Haha. :)

The doctor came in to check me and sure enough, I was dilated to 7, almost 8 cm and almost completely effaced. She's like, "The baby's head is right here under my fingers... he's so low, I don't know how he's not falling out." She told me I needed to go to the hospital. I told her I wasn't having regular contractions and I really didn't want to get sent home. She said that obviously something was going on to make me dilate and that they weren't going to send me home when they realized I had progressed so far. She told me to go to the hospital and that she would call and tell them she was sending me over.

Yay!

That was Wednesday afternoon about 4:00. I called Nate and told him that he needed to leave work and come home. He was so excited! I called my mama to come pick up Sonnet and then we went home to pack our bags. While we were waiting for everyone to show up, Sonnet and I packed our overnight bags and I cleaned the kitchen and ate a little snack. It was pretty surreal knowing that I was about to have a baby, but at that moment, everything felt so normal. :)

Nate and I got to the hospital at 6:30pm. They gave us a room and started my IV. They asked me if I planned to have an epidural and I said yes. They said that my doctor had told them to break my water, but they didn't want to do that until I had an epidural because they expected the baby to come really quickly after my water broke.

First they had to take a bunch of blood from me and wait for the results because they couldn't find my lab records in my chart. So we waited around in the room for like an hour...

Then they had to give me a a bunch of IV fluids before I could have the epidural so we waited another hour or so... (I swear, the IV may have been the worst part of the whole experience. Ouch.)

Then the anesthesiologist came in and gave me the epidural. I was really nervous about it, and it hurt a lot, but it wasn't as horrible as I expected. For me, it's worth the 10 minutes of pain to not have to experience the hours of pain later. It took about an hour of adjusting the medication for it to really kick in, so again, we waited around...

Finally, I was sufficiently numb, but the nurse said she couldn't break my water yet because someone else had just started to deliver and they were short-staffed and they didn't want us both in delivery at the same time. So, again we waited...

About 11pm, the nurse broke my water. She said it was bulging and it probably would have broken on it's own pretty soon. Before that, I had been having contractions, but they weren't much. I was dilated to an 8. The nurse told me that now my contractions should start coming harder and faster and that I should dilate to a 10 in no time. She told me to call her when the pressure got really hard and constant or when I felt like pushing. So, we waited...

Having all this down time was kind of strange, but it was nice too. I felt like I had time to really absorb what was going on and to stay in control. When I had Sonnet it was just a 12-hour blur of pain and I never really felt like I knew what was going on. This experience was much different.

Nate fell asleep for about an hour and I just rested. I could feel when I was having a contraction because my skin would get really tight, but they weren't really hurting. I finished the book I was reading and then I had some quiet time to myself to just pray and think. I had a good feeling, knowing that my baby was about to come.

I've said before that I felt my grandpa close to me at the beginning of my pregnancy. He was really special to me and he loved babies... I just felt like he was aware of me and that he was taking care of my baby for me until he came. Then, a couple months ago, my grandma died and I kind of felt the presence withdraw... like he was busy with her for a while. And then over the last few weeks, I've felt both of them near me. When I was in the hospital room, laying in bed, listening to the baby's heartbeat, waiting for something to happen, I felt both of them standing there and I knew they would be with me through the whole process.

About 12:15am, I started to feel a lot of pain and pressure with each contraction. I woke Nate up and he came to hold my hand and help me. I was crying a bit and each wave really hurt, but at least there was a little break in between and I could breathe through them. There was just sooooo much pressure in my lower abdomen, I felt like it was going to explode. I could tell exactly where the baby's head was and feel it moving into the birth canal. The nurse was there coaching me through it and once the pressure became constant, she called my doctor.

The doctor got there about 1:00am. I had a few more bad contractions and then the pain stopped. They put my legs up and told me to push. I told them I couldn't feel anything, I didn't think I was ready to push. She said, "Well, I'm looking at the baby's head right now, you can probably just laugh and he'll come out."

So, I laughed. And then I started pushing. I had this tight little circle around me of my doctor, my nurse, the two baby nurses, and Nate all cheering me on. I was just listening to them tell me what to do... "Push! Breathe! Keep going! He's almost out!" I pushed about 8 times and Stetson was out! I had my eyes closed while I pushed and finally the doctor said, "Open your eyes, your baby is right in front of you!" Haha.

I opened my eyes and I was shocked for a minute... like oh my gosh, he's really here! My first thought was, "He's so small! He doesn't look real." My second thought was, "He's so perfect!" And then I just started crying. Oh my gosh, those few minutes after a baby comes into the world are just magic, are they not?!

Stetson arrived at 1:13am on Thursday February 9th.

They took him to the warming table and cleaned him up. He weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces and was 19 inches long. He cried a little and got 9's on his APGAR. They let me hold him, but he couldn't keep his temperature up, so they kept taking him back to the warmer.

They wouldn't let me go to a recovery room until I could control my legs, which took me quite a while. It was funny how floppy they were. So, I waited for feeling and Stetson waited to get warm and then they moved us over to another room. They gave me another bag of fluid and told me after I peed they could take my IV out. Stetson and Nate fell asleep for a couple hours. I could feel my bladder filling up, but I couldn't pee. They came in and gave me another catheter to empty my bladder. That was not enjoyable. Almost an entire gallon of fluid later, and they finally left me alone. Haha.

I feel a lot better this time around. With my first delivery, I was torn up, I had 30 stitches, I blew out my urethral muscle, and I had problems with a cyst on my tailbone. I couldn't walk or sit without pain for weeks. This time, I only had a couple stitches and other than some cramping, I feel about as good as possible. I'm seriously amazed. I still think it's crazy what a woman's body has to go through to get a baby here, and I won't be volunteering for it again anytime soon, BUT, my experience this time was actually quite pleasant.

And of course, the end result is what matters. My baby boy is finally here and he is perfect. I survived and now we get to go about the business of falling in love with each other. And I am so grateful.

Coming Home...

They finally let us out of the hospital Friday night, exactly 48 hours after we got there. It is quite amazing what just 2 days can bring. I mean, seriously, look at this little piece of perfection:


Stetson passed all his little tests at the hospital with flying colors. He can hear great, he's eating great, and he does not have jaundice. Yay!

Nate started going a little stir crazy being cooped up in the hospital for so long... and it does get really old having nurses bang in and out of your room all day and night... But I am grateful for modern medicine and thankful that the baby and I are both doing great. Plus, Stetson just slept every single second we were there (now that we're home it's a different story, of course), so it was kind of peaceful to do nothing but feed, change, and snuggle with him.

To leave the hospital, we put Stetson in a little firefighter outfit and this cute blue knit hat that Uncle Hayden brought back from Peru. He looked SO cute I could hardly stand it.

This is my doctor. Miracle worker, I tell you. I can actually walk this time. :)

Stetson has started holding his hands next to his face when he sleeps. LOVE.


He didn't make a peep in the car...


Nate's parents came to visit when we got home. Stetson is grandchild #30 for them!


The Spears Boys.

Sonnet has been awesome so far. She helped Nate change a diaper last night and they all got sprayed with pee pee. She thought that was hilarious. She loves to hold Stetson, but the novelty wears off after about 5 minutes. She "checks" on the baby a lot and always wants to know what he's doing, but for the most part, her little life is going on as usual. There's just more love flowing around here...

Last night, all four of us were sitting on my bed. Stetson was sleeping and Sonnet was talking (as usual) and Nate and I just looked at each other and said, "Hi." Like, here we are, just where we wanted to be. Life is good.

Family of Four!

Sonnet stayed with my parents while we were at the hospital having Stetson. Of course, she was super excited to have a sleepover (for TWO nights!) and she didn't even miss us. It was comforting to me to not have to worry about her and to just focus on the delivery and taking care of Stetson while we were at the hospital. The afternoon after we had the baby, my mama brought Sonnet to the hospital to visit us...

Sonnet made Stetson a poster. We're not really sure what she drew... she said it was some kind of treasure map... but she worked really hard on it and she was so excited to show it to us! I loved having it in our hospital room as decoration... everyone who came in commented on it... and it was a cute reminder of the baby I have at home! Plus, I'm sure Stetson totally appreciated the gesture. :)

Sonnet was very excited about the prospect of getting a brother and very curious about the whole experience. I never really explained how the baby was going to get out, so she just assumed that my belly was going to get so big it would eventually explode or something, like a balloon. The first thing she asked me when she came to visit was if she could see where my belly "popped." She couldn't figure out why there was no mark where it had opened up. I guess that's one instance where a C-section would have come in handy. :)

Apart from asking a million questions, she was quite mesmerized by the baby. She just kept staring at him and touching him and saying, "He's such a cute little guy!" She held him on her lap and it was so special to snuggle with her and him at the same time.

She said, "He likes me!" Haha. :) She still refuses to call him anything but Sunny Blue. But she told Nate and me we can call him Stetson if we really want. :)


Then, after about 30 minutes of loving on the baby, Sonnet was ready to go to the park. Haha. Gotta love the attention span of a 5 year old! :)

We gave Sonnet a little present from Stetson... her own boy baby doll (with bottles and diapers, etc.) that she can take care of. I know she's going to be such a good little helper to me (sometimes I worry she'll want to love the baby a little too much). But I think Stetson is one lucky boy to have Sonnet for a big sister!

Our first time together as a family of four!

The Granny!

I LOVE these boys! If Stetson is half the husband and dad Nate is, he'll be awesome. I'm so thankful I have Nate with me as my partner. I've only changed 1 diaper so far and last night I slept way more than he did. I swear, it just makes me melt to watch him do his "Daddy Duties." He is so helpful and so kind and I know Stetson is going to adore him as much as Sonnet does.

We're so happy this sweet little guy joined our family!!! It's good to be FOUR. :)