A Do-Over

I friend wrote a post recently that hit something in me. Would you do it again? Her answer was yes more or less. It would be nice to know the consequences of my choices back then, but like she said, there would have been different problems and different consequences with other choices.
I think we all have our own path, we make the choices we do for whatever reason and have to live with them, but given another chance I don't know how much I'd change.

I'd rather have Middle Sis still with us, but her death changed us all so much I don't know that we'd be the same people if she'd lived. I became a much better person after that loss, but I hate it took that to do it. I don't think Babysis and I would be as close, and as much as Mom says it tore us all apart, in the end it actually brought us closer together.

In hindsight, I'd love to change a lot of things, but that would lead me down a different path and who knows what lions and tigers and bears are waiting down that one? Kinda puts my recent pity party in a new perspective. I think I'll be ok now.
Thanks YM.

Wasted Days and such

I went to work yesterday, and long story short, spent 4 hours breaking something I'll have to go try to fix tomorrow because I just couldn't face it today.
I've also apparently broken my stomach because it is supremely unhappy with me at the moment. I had some fruit for lunch Thursday and pretty much no food since until this morning. Hit Mickey D's and ate a few bites of that and went back to bed. My sleep schedule is fucked too, so apparently I'm on a roll with breaking things lately. It's past my bedtime judging by the last couple of days so I should probably have another beer and put my ass in bed. Night kids.

Well, that was a waste of my Day

Nevermind, BLogger didn't think it mattered.

Today was Suck wrapped in Suck

Did get to work early, and it was good since I was busy. All day, and I'm in trouble with the bosses because of something I should have done that hasn't gotten done because I'm busy and OH SHIT. Head Boss' computer crashes.
He sent me off to get it fixed, places were done, closed, sorry. I get back to work with that bad news (he needed it back to go home tomorrow, wasn't gonna happen anyway, but I was happy to run away for an hour) and have an e-mail.

I know I said I don't have any friends, but he was one. I do realize he was also 90 and still golfed until about a year ago, but still. Dammit. It broke my heart to hear he was gone.
In his 60's, when I met him, he'd tell us stories about his life and we'd make jokes about him riding a running board with his gat when he was in Jersey dating the Mafia Boss' daughter. He cussed like a sailor on a regular basis, and cut a dashing figure for a short man. Always had a hug, a shoulder, or a fuck you if you needed it. Dammit.

I Don't Have Any Friends, I Just Know A Lot of People

And every fucking one of 'em wants to show up when I'm trying to read. Mr. and Mrs. Asshole were at The Dive when I got there, I said Hi and went to a table. Here they come. Then My Brother (who really isn't)showed up and got in a discussion about religion with Mr. Asshole so I was all done with that pretty quickly. Mrs. Asshole backed out of that conversation to entertain me so I still couldn't read and yeah, whatever.
She left her husband with me too long again, I told her, last time she left him there I sent him home drunk. She'll learn.
I'm unreasonably sober and it's pissing me off, I need to sleep since the kitchen guy will be here early in the morning and I at least need to be showered and dressed, if not gone, by 7 a.m. Hopefully Annie picked out some new cabinets while she was out tonight.
I want to Wii, but my back is still not right, and hell, the kitchen that isn't in the front yard is in here so....
I think I'll have another beer and some sleep. Night kids.

It is what it is

I'm wasting time being upset over shit I can't change, and it's changed the way I act. Not good. I cleaned up, quit drinking so much, got my shit together........and it blew up in my face.
I can't change someone else, lightbulb finally went off.
I'm back to drinking too much and not liking me so we need to fix that.
It helps that drinking is not liking me so much right now. I may actually throw up for the first time since 1987. Dammit.

It doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon

Got a text today, a bartender I used to know was found dead. He was 35. WTF? Apparent natural causes, but still, WTF?
I've had entirely too much of this lately. Cousin who just lost her brother is not doing well, old co-worker is about to check out. Really? It's no wonder I'm crazy lately. I've been in funeral homes more the last couple of months than I've been in years. Add to that my life just really sucks right now and I'm almost done.
My kitchen is in the front yard, I mean Annie's kitchen since it's HER house these days and she's too stupid to realize what she's throwing away, and I should shut up, but DAMMIT.

I guess I'll call Mom so I can get some more "It's just hormones, honey" talk from her. Call for some support and get shit on. Yeah. I love being me.
Night kids.

I got distracted by my breakdown....

I've had an on-going war with the kids next door about their soccer balls in the yard. It calmed down for a bit because Annie told them not to fuck with me, it's back to full force. I've thrown back 5 or 6 over the last couple of days. They were all deposited the same day. I mowed tonight and found a couple in the farthest reaches of the yard. I threw those back on the tip of my knife. Fuckers.

Rock and a Hard Place

I called Mom tonight because she'd apparently been trying to get in touch with me, and I had a meltdown.
Her answer to me telling her I thought I was having a nervous breakdown? "You're probably just going through the change."
She's probably right, but still........really?

We talked a lot more, came up with a plan, and we'll see if I carry it through. I should because I'm really getting concerned about my sanity at this point. I feel broken, as much as I've been through, I've never felt that before. It's not good.

Going to take care of some other stuff and put my ass in bed where I belong. Night kids.

Fish Fry and stuff

We did that at Ms. Fan's house. Dad showed up which surprised me, but he also did most of the cooking so it's a good thing.
We had a good time. I'll have pictures later, he pulled his camera out of his pocket to get Lucy and her burger, it was a monster. She doesn't eat fish for some reason, so I grilled her a burger or 7.
Ms. Fan wanted to watch a movie 2012, OMG WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
Lucy banged her foot after we came in from smoking and Ms. Sweet and Ms. Fan had to get pictures of me holding a bottle of ice on her toe. It was just funny they both ran for cameras as soon as i did that.
Lucy and I are now sitting outside at home and I found out she hadn't named her hoo-hoo. I was asking what she called her since she was hanging out the boxers, and she didn't have a name. It made me sad. I christened her Esther. So I'll throw some beer on her now and she'll be ok. And now These Boots Are Mde For Walkin just came on. I think Lucy may make use of them. Later kids.

Happy Medium

I can't seem to find one. I've been miserable, I got really tired of that. I said what I said, and I'm refraining from kicking in a door to say some more because I've also had more to drink tonight than I've had in quite awhile. I know, that never leads to anything good. I'm one extreme or the other, I shut down, or spew. Tonight I spewed weeks worth of frustration, and all I get is "I'm sorry" and it wasn't something she meant, just something she was taught to say when drunken idiots rant at you.
I give up.
I've tried really hard, but I just can't anymore.

Well that didn't go well

Work was giving me panic attacks today because I had shitloads to do, my team and all ya know. I also had real work to do and I'm not sure if I was a zombie since I didn't sleep well and all they heard was "BRAIIINNNSSSS" or if I was just looking for someone that had one. It was a struggle. I had this discussion more than once, "No, I tried, can't do that. The software I have is too old to support that, sorry." I get, "But, can't you.......(whateverbullshitcomestomind)?" No. N-O. END OF STORY. It will still be the same thing tomorrow trust me. I'm looking for drugs.
I needed to stay late because another thing needed to be done, but after hyperventilating at 10 am and almost leaving because of the bullshit, I hid in my corner as much as possible and ran out the door to have a beer as soon as the opportunity arose.

I can breathe now. I hit The Dive for some reading and was heading out when My Brother (who really isn't) showed up. Threw some darts with him and a couple of other people and he paid my tab before he left. He's a nice guy when he's not busy being an asshole so that was cool. Home and sitting outside smoking and thinking I need ice or heat one on my back, haven't decided which yet. It's much better, just uncomfortable instead of actively painful.

I think I'll wrap this up and read a bit before talking to Lucy because I do need to sleep tonight. Night kids.

Not A Team Player

And.........I'm on a Team. WTF? I'm sorry our Customer Service sucks, but what does that have to do with me? I'm IT.
I was in meetings most of the day. I hate meetings. I learned to play nice because Dammit I have to, but really?
It was productive sounding, but that's about it. I'm stomping my feet and declaring "I don't wanna." I did get a check mark on my sheet tho, so NANY, NANY BOO BOO.

Ok, on to more mature subjects. Yeah, the only one I have I can't talk about so DAMMIT.

I think I'll put my ass in bed so I can pretend to be an adult tomorrow.

It's been Years...

I went to the Laundromat this afternoon. Yeah, that lack of a kitchen I'm having? It affects the laundry room too, so no washer. It wasn't horrible. Of course I made sure to do it right after work so nobody was there. $2 to wash a load? Highway robbery, but ok. I needed clothes. I was down to the ass-eaters and granny panties in the underwear department.
Came home, sat outside and read for awhile. Mom calls way late for Mom. Right after I'd gotten all comfy with the ice pack too dammit. Her calling meant I had to go back outside to smoke. Not a bad conversation, but.......now I need to go smoke again and try ice again. I apparently hurt my back Saturday when I yanked the cooler up out of the Mule instead of letting the tailgate down like a sane woman. I woke up yesterday going "Holy Shit, this isn't bed back." Not fun, but not unbearable, ice is good.
I was on the couch with ice yesterday when Ms. Asshole called me to come over, she apparently didn't have sufficient company. Thought about it, finally said fuck it and went, it was cool. She's different. I never expected us to be friends, but she's a good one. Her husband is still an asshole, but I can tolerate him these days.
Ms. Fan wants a fish fry Saturday, I need to e-mail Dad since he's invited to eat the fish he caught with a bunch of women, with even more women. I'm sure he'll be thrilled.
Ok, need to finish this book, or at least get close after smoking and icing and put my ass in bed. Night kids.

Water Woes

I think I told you about the puddle in the kitchen that turned into a river and a tornado right? Well, it's still in litigation with the insurance agent.
Before we left today there was a puddle in the backyard courtesy of the faucet, well, the pipe to the faucet. Annie turned off the water to the house and we went fishing. Sometimes she's a smart woman. Only sometimes.
Lucy and I came home and she's dug a hole, plugged up the pipe that was leaking and went to bed. I went out to smoke and saw a bubbling crude, texas tea......ok, Alabama water.
Dammit. I turned off the water again so I can't shit tonight without going out to turn the water on before flushing. Dammit.

Excellent Day

Got my ass up early, headed to Dad's. Annie and Ms. Fan drove separately which was a good thing. Out on the water, I caught the first fish, Lucy caught the only catfish, other than that neither of us gave a shit. We were out, and having a good time. Dad did too so it was cool. Think we had about 60 bream, the one cat, and Annie caught a bass that was too small, but we had hours of fun.
Dad had to take a pee break, we pulled up and he went off into the woods. I hear somebody from across the way say "Damn, you got a big one buddy" told the girls I hoped he wasn't talking to Dad.
Lucy drowned Smokey Worminson, Stevie Wormder, and Dion and the Belworms today. She did apologize to each one before she threw them in the water. She caught a total of 2 but who's counting?
The girls left since Ms. Fan had something going on and Lucy and I hung out with Dad while he cleaned our fish. It's the first time we've been since Stepmom died, Lucy would go to the house and hang out with her while Dad and I cleaned fish. I missed her a lot today. Lucy did too, she had to see fish guts.
I'm a bit crispy, but not too much the worse for wear, it's good to get out with Dad. He's always fun. Looks like there's a fish fry at Ms. Fan's house next week. WoO HOO!

Lost Post

I wrote this a few weeks ago and forgot about it, but it's the most truth I've ever written. I guess I was drunk that night, I don't remember. It was early in the month and a lot of shit was going on so who knows.

Don't Know When

Somewhere along the line things changed. Some for the better, some not, but changed it did. I can live with some, but others I keep questioning, and not finding any answers. Some days I don't think about it, others, it drives me crazy. Today is a crazy day, I want to know why, but it eludes me. Tomorrow will be different, and the day after that too, but I'll come back here again and it bothers me. I just want to be normal, whatever that is. Maybe tomorrow.

Gone Fishing

Or going anyway. At this point I don't care if there's a tornado tomorrow, I'm going to Dad's and hanging out just because it's good for me. I invited Ms. Fan because she loves to fish and she had plans this weekend that got fucked so she's excited. She actually showed up at The Dive tonight to check about times and such. I don't see her much anymore so that was good. If tomorrow sucks, it's all my fault because really? Dad's house? Nothing sucks there.
I'm still on Mom's NO-Shit list, I don't know how to act. I've never been the good kid. It just makes me giddy. I think I'll read for a bit and wait for the kids to get home. Lucy went to see Chicago (the band) with a friend and Annie is wherever the hell Annie is that she couldn't feed the dogs so.......nevermind.
I'm having a few issues with her. I think quicklime might solve all my problems there, but I digress.
Yep, I need a day.

I Live With an Idiot

We may have covered this in previous posts, but sometimes the depth and breadth of her stupidity amazes even me. She left The Dive, I hung around for a bit so she could get home and I wouldn't have to see her. She calls when I'm on my way home. Someone rear-ended her at the light and she's ranting, they looked, she cussed him out, they went on. Barely scrubbed her bumper, I just looked. Thankfully she got another call when I got home and she was about to re-tell the story. I'm hiding outside because really? I'm tired of her ass.
I don't think there will be any boxing tonight since I'm sore from last night, but hey, at least it's a workout.
I should sleep, I say I'm gonna then stay up until 1 and it's catching up with me. I'm too old for this shit.

Clutch Your Pearls Now

I talked on the phone to BOTH parents before 8 pm. Dad was leaving dinner with Skank, so I let him go fairly quickly, and Mom was so discombobulated she almost hung up on me.
Heh, it was worth it.
I rarely call Dad period, so it threw him off. Mom usually calls me so she was really thrown off.
I'm going to Wii box for a bit since Wii is the only exercise I get these days. Maybe Annie and her new eye won't think I want to kill her. Well, maybe I do, but that's beside the point, new eye won't matter if I decide to.

This is me after giving both parents a heart attack. That was the best laugh I've had in months. Just hope they end up in the same hospital.

Not The Usual Tuesday

Gnome2 beat my ass at darts, she got a double bull to win. On a Tuesday, she never comes out on Tuesday dammit.
I wanted a picture of the ass sweat on my barstool that wasn't mine, but I just couldn't. Needless to say, I stood up while I was there.
I came home, grilled some ribs and asparagus, did baked potato and corn for Annie and it was good. Going to Wii ski since that seems to be giving me an ass and put it in bed. Night kids.

It's Monday Night at The Wolf House

Yeah, nothing special. I dug around my old tapes and pulled out this movie since there was nothing else on anyway. I mistakenly thought Lena Horne was in it, Leslie Caron, still worth a watch. Of course I can watch Judi Dench anytime so it didn't hurt me any while I was ironing.
I'm going to have to go shake my cane since the neighbors are having a fiesta on a school night and the kids are still out there playing soccer and pissing me off. They should have been in bed long ago. I probably should have too, but I'm old enough to drink so I can stay up as long as I want dammit.
I marked the calendar today, Mom called me pissed off at everyone EXCEPT me. I put that on the calendar too. Annie's Mom will love that if she sees it tomorrow since she will be here to take Annie to cataract surgery. I ain't even laughing since I need to get my eyes checked, that may be why I suddenly went blind. We'll find out.
Gonna put my ass in bed since there's nothing else to do around here. Night kids.

Happy Mother's Day

I called mine, that's about it. It was a long week and I've been soooo tired. Annie was gone to her 'rents and Lucy went home early today, so I just chilled out for as long as possible. When Annie did get home she took off to see a friend so I piled up at The Dive to read and that turned into a few hours. It was good.
I need to iron, but I have something to wear tomorrow so fuck that. Sweet Home Alabama, cute movie. Gonna finish that and put my ass in bed. Night kids.

So a Possum walked into a bar

Ok, he was toted into the bar, in a pouch, I'm not kidding, bellied up to the bar and ordered a shot of Possum Milk straight up. Sitting next to the owner he looked him in the eye and said, "Take me home, ain't I cute?" "My name is Roadkill Stu What's yours?" Steve politely got up and hid in the Men's room. The rest of us seesawed between OMG there's a possum in the bar and OMG He's so cute. You can guess which side of the fence Lucy was on. I'm shaking my head and drinking a beer because I was scairt it's going home with me. Stu and the dogs wouldn't get along.
I accused The Princess and Lucy of spawning while I wasn't looking because he did look a bit like them, that would explain her attachment.

I think I need to find a better bar, or not. That's pretty cool.

Betty White For President

I haven't watched SNL in years. I watched tonight because she was there. Not bad. Jay-Z as a musical guest? Not so much.
Lucy and I are hanging out, I may tell you about our earlier conversations at a later time. It looks like I'm about to be busy, I see boobage over here. Night kids.

So Back To Normal, or something like that

I'm sitting outside. It was 88 today, gonna be 70 tomorrow. I guess that's where the breeze is coming from. I'm gonna freeze my ass off. Nevermind, I don't have one anymore.
Dad is fighting with the Skank on Myspace. I want to tell him to upgrade his g/f and his life and at least hit facebook, but I'm staying out of it. Lucy and Annie were both ready to jump in there and say shit to stir her up but I stopped them. Illiterate people are crazier than most, I know this. Her spelling is like a refrigerator magnet set used by a 2 yr old. It's pretty ugly.
I guess the neighbor's cats aren't fixed since there's a godawful wailing coming from next door and the dogs just ran out en masse to check it out. Dammit.
Lucy just informed me she forgot her meds. Damn, it's definitely a day.
I think I'll give up and put my ass in bed, and hope nobody is pregnant or dead in the morning.
Night kids.

Deleted Post

Yeah, I did. Wasn't the first time and probably won't be the last but it pissed me off this morning so there. I only reference it since Grannie asked, and she's one of the people I respect enough to explain myself to.
I was going to tell you about The Assholes trip to Atlanta that got cut short because their house was broken into, and the hooker/crack-ho in the bathroom at The Dive (Not the first time she's been there) and I had flowery words for all of it when it was in my head. Then I got home.
I have my moments, but on a daily basis, I'm not drinking nearly as much as I used to. That has led to some startling revelations in my life that I pretty much put out there for public consumption last night, and it wasn't the best idea I ever had. So I took the post down. It was good, and Lucy told me it was ok to put out, but in the light of day, not so much. I gave up too much of me in it. We'll now go back to our regularly scheduled bullshit. Thanks for your time.

I Refuse

Ok, things have been way stupid around here for way too long. I'm working on cutting out some of the stupid, but what I can't, I refuse to own, buy or let it live in my house. Annie will be moving tomorrow.
I'm tired of being tired and tired of being all the bad things I've been lately because Dammit, I'm Cute, And Smart, and Goshdarnit, People Like Me....

Yeah, I know. I'm not really that optimistic, but it sounded good didn't it? Got a Golden Retriever breathing all over me since he got his ears doctored and he thinks I'll save him. Will I? Maybe later, right now it's what he needs.

I'm working on my needs, hopefully everyone else will back off for a minute and let me look. Yeah, nothing pressing, other than being tired. I think I'll fix that and smoke with The Handsome Devil and take my ass to bed. I'll worry about the rest tomorrow since Tomorrow Is Another Day. Gotta love a woman named Scarlett.

I'm turning my phone off

Today is Annie's birthday. So far it's sucked as much as mine if not more. Water leak yesterday, plumber will be back tomorrow, thinks it's in the wall. Mom called earlier to tell me someone from mine and Annie's past died last night. Annie called his sister, who asked about Stepbrother, we all knew each other back in the day, geeeze. I guess I need to make sure I take a BP pill in the morning so I'm not the trifecta. It's looking like another long week.
On a happier note......yeah, I think I'll have another beer, call Lucy and put my ass in the bed since work will probably be a bitch tomorrow too. Night kids.

The Great Potato Famine of 2010

Last week I made fried potatoes for breakfast for Lucy for the first time (they weren't all that since she wouldn't let me add jalapenos, but they were ok) got the phone call about Stepbro. I made potatoes again this morning and told her, if something happened she was never getting them again. Breakfast (brunch actually) over, she left, I'd started dishwasher and suddenly there was a puddle in the floor. I ignored it as long as possible because I'm in denial and all. Finally had to confront it and Annie and I tore up the linoleum in the kitchen to find out water has been draining under there for a bit. We went to The Dive for a drink after all that. Conversation ensued. I blame everything on the taters. They're banned from breakfast.

Totally Inappropriate

I'm too tired to deal with all the other now. Funeral songs became a topic today. I told Lucy I wanted a theme.
1. I kissed a girl (Katy Perry)
2. Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover (Sophie B. Hawkins)
3. She Fucking Hates Me (Puddle of Mudd)
4. I Touch Myself (Divinyls)

Off to finish watching McClintock! and take my sorry ass to bed.
Night kids.